In the moments between the moments I owe to other people,
I have found a home in the chaos of my own thoughts;
Within the folds and electrical pulses;
Within the blood and the bone.
Jan 30, 2015
Jan 30, 2015 at 10:00 PM UTC
I had believed in nothing but sin.
I had believed in nothing.
I had believed.
And in this belief I held that my day would come.
That within these thousands of lives between my birth and death,
I would find a one not soaked in my own blood.
And like a zealot I prayed so hungrily for peace.
For just a moment to myself; whole and holy.
So I find that I am not my enemy.
It is the loneliness. It is the darkness. It is the devilish deceit in eyes that once looked so pure.
It is the mouth with razor words; the heart of stone; the one who threw me to the ground when I begged and pleaded for love.
There is no love in the heart of a devil.
And so I found it in something old and used.
That I had kept hidden for far too long,
Until its dull crystals begged for sunlight.
Like the sun itself it shone, illuminating all the colors I'd never before seen.
And perhaps my wounds did heal,
Or at least begin to mend.
I never should have asked for love,
When my heart wasn't ready to receive.
Jan 24, 2015
Jan 24, 2015 at 6:43 PM UTC
I'm packing my bags and moving back home
Never having told you
That maybe I cared more than I let on.
I'm back to my old game.
Crawling into bed with new friends
Who ask me why I leave so early in the morning.
I don't know if I can live this life
Without a drink in my hand.
Two weeks dry, two weeks too long.
I can barely keep hold my head up
And my clothes are hanging off my frame
And I have a new friend who wants me to share
The drudges of my world.
And all I want is to tell you I'm sorry I never told you
Because I knew that despite everything,
You could never feel the same.
Aug 25, 2014
Aug 25, 2014 at 4:46 PM UTC
Months away from such joy
In hopes of finding something better
And in the end,
Addiction is just a love story
Between you and your oppressor
And now believing I can never be free
As willpower isn't enough,
Throwing in the towel
And rolling with the tide,
Is my best chance at freedom.
Jul 24, 2014
Jul 24, 2014 at 11:41 AM UTC
In the presence of bulwarks,
I present myself with love
In the hopes that one will soften,
Perhaps you,
And maybe together we can build a home.
But the tempting, silky, soft, malleable nature of love
Is too intoxicating to leave alone.
So instead of caressing me with your lips,
You sink your teeth in.
It was almost all that I wanted,
And I'll take almost.
Jun 8, 2014
Jun 8, 2014 at 6:09 PM UTC
There isn't a word for this slimy cold;
Weighted and dense.
******* heat.
Like smoking a menthol,
Chilling lungs as they're caked in black soot.
Heavy.
He asked me why I kept *******
(the soot).
He asked me why I kept working myself to death.
He asked me why I wouldn't use my words,
Only my body to shut his mouth.
And how could I tell him,
There isn't anything to say.
My words have been replaced with soot.
My voicebox is just an ashtray.
It's killed everything.
It's eaten everything.
The monster is back.
And more insidious than ever.
A chill goes down my spine as wind dances
Into the space between my ears and into my hollow chest,
Filling in the clean spaces between the ashen viscera.
I'm afraid I'm dead.
I'm so cold and hollow.
My eyes scream 'vacancy'
Because I can't contort my mouth
Into anything intelligible
Nor force audible syllables through my throat.
I'm sorry.
May 27, 2014
May 27, 2014 at 9:05 PM UTC
O, God please let me create something
Anything.
I'm bogged down with numbers and chemicals.
I'm coated in formulas and structures.
Dissections.
I've become a pro at tearing things apart.
O please O please let me create something beautiful.
Or ugly.
Let me create something new.
Let me contribute.
Or else, how can I leave my mark?
May 23, 2014
May 23, 2014 at 12:22 AM UTC
"Love me baby, love me."
Oh that's it!
A little to the right.
Oh you've got it!
God **** I wish you didn't put the chocolate so ******* high.
Sometimes a girl needs her sweets, you know?
Never mind my expanding waistline.
I have no one to impress, right baby?
Wow I'm so glad I have someone as big and strong as you to reach these things off the high shelves.
Now finish up so I can put some clothes on. I've got errands to run.
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 3:33 AM UTC
With days of solitude I score my skin,
Each tiny mark like a record of my days.
Condemned to an eternity in solitary confinement,
I tug on the clamp on my brain
Hoping not to wreck the soft, grey tissue.
Here in my cell I am barred from green grass and flowers;
Baby bunnies and cooing birds.
What a happy accident to have landed *** first
After hauling my *** out of a long sleep
And praying for an *** that may fill my jeans
Or carry me the **** out of here in hooves of bronze.
Where we're going, there isn't any ******* gold.
20 years and 9 days and teeny little etches for each.
I slap a watch on my wrist and I've got a more grown-up form of torment.
Oh that
TICK
Oh that
TOCK
Oh how it--
TICK
Oh how it--
TOCKs
To me when nothing else will.
There are 5 simple steps to repairing a humanoid vessel:
1) score it
2) don't wreck the soft tissues
3) get the right ***
4) accept the bronze
5) accept that ticks and tocks mean you'll be running on a full 3 hours if you're lucky
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 3:26 AM UTC
I didn't want to talk about forever.
Though forever only spans one life,
I hope to have more than just this one.
I kicked the tobacco, the fried foods,
The binging on anything.
And I don't taste like bitter liquor anymore.
My hair is brushed,
Teeth whitened,
Tongue pink,
Skin clear.
So boring.
I'm so dull.
If you could promise me another life,
You'd never see me again.
My fear of being alone
Is what keeps me coming back for
more.
Again.
And again.
May 5, 2014
May 5, 2014 at 6:34 PM UTC