#youdontknowme
I wish you'd know what goes on in my mind.
I wish you'd know that I'm not happy.
I wish you'd know that I live in the dark.
I wish you'd know that I wear a mask.
I wish you'd know that I cut myself.
I wish you'd know that I want to **** myself.
I wish you'd know that I hate myself.
I wish you'd know that I'm ****** at myself.
I wish you'd know that I was abused.
I wish you'd know that I'm not afraid to die.
I wish you'd know that I'm afraid to talk.
I wish you'd know that my life depends on pride and strength.
I wish you'd know that I will prove you wrong.
I wish you'd know that I wish I were dead.
I wish you'd know that I feel so worthless and useless.
I wish you'd know that I'm struggling.
I wish you'd know that I'm going mentally insane.
I wish you'd know that I'm dying.
I wish you'd know that I'm torturing myself.
I wish you'd know that I have anxiety and depression.
I wish you'd know that my silence is not isolation.
I wish you'd know that I'm broken and bound.
I wish you'd know that I just want you to listen.
I wish you'd know that I'm not good/okay/fine.
I wish you'd know that I just want a friend who'll be there.
May 13, 2018
May 13, 2018 at 6:41 PM UTC
Who am I?
I am love
but I am not love.
I wear love’s coat,
like a blanket
and hold its
sweet, sweet smell
a perfume too expensive to touch.
Those who dare,
always pay the price.
You see
I am not as kind as love.
I do not care.
I do not embrace with loving arms.
The heart rules the mind.
I make
your body the master of your heart.
Your soul is tossed aside.
It is no worth to me.
I am a coward.
I flee at the sight
of pain
and do not help.
It is not my job,
after all.
My job is to leave you enshrouded
intrigued torn upon captivated enthralled clouded
in the mystery that you thought
was love.
I am not love.
never will be
never have.
I am the jealous best friend.
The one always trying to steal the limelight.
Who sometimes comes before love.
Steals love.
With grimy hands,
Covered in jeweled gloves.
I do not feel with the heart,
I feel with the body.
Sensual. Aroused. Intimate. And stimulated.
Who am I?
I am lust.
Jan 14, 2017
Jan 14, 2017 at 1:35 PM UTC
When I was 5
My biggest fear was fire
And my biggest worry was if I had to go inside too early
The outside was an endless ground for games of all sorts
From war to hide and seek
We would play until the sun set
And the streetlights shined bright
My friends lived within seconds
We'd knock on one another's door multiple times
Until we could all come out and play
When I was 10
My biggest fear was a person
Tormenting me, screaming
and striking me until I'd break
I still feared fire but not because of dying
Simply because i knew it might not **** me
My biggest worry was having to wake up
Having to live another day in that house
Such a beautiful outside
The perfect hand-crafted family home
But that shell only hid horrific events within the fractured walls
I had no friends to save my sanity
Rotting from the inside out
A loving, child's heart demented and torn
Tattered and choked until every ounce of trust and happiness leaked out
I tried to go outside again but nature could only help me for so long
Before I returned to the nightmare that was my reality
When I was 15
I feared being alone
My hell had no ending
And my biggest worry was someone noticing the scars
traced along my body
It wouldn't matter if I cut too deep
If blood poured out and pooled beneath me
Both pain and death would solve the problem accordingly
I stayed inside
What was left of my imagination focused on either dying
Or on running far far away
My brain drowned in empty hopelessness
I gave up on the world and lost faith in everything
My savior appeared but not even she could **** the demons plaguing my mind
At 18 I left home
My biggest fear was returning again
My biggest worry was not ever being ok
Because I may had left the origin of evil
But it did not change what was in my head
The demons followed me everywhere
Stalking and striking at any hour
Draining me of hope and energy
Then I met my first love
A beautiful girl with gorgeous sapphire eyes
But she hid a dark soul beneath the beauty and I soon learned the dangers of loving your demons
At first she understood me,
Helped me through my addiction to the knife
But as quickly as she came, she changed into someone I feared
Because I knew I could never leave her
She possessed my heart so tightly within her poisonous grasp
Ripping it clear out of my chest
I feared I would ruin something again and end up alone
And one day she decided that I was no longer enough
That my entire being could not suffice to satisfy her sadistic needs
She drowned my heart for 6 months,
Shattering it completely 2 times
Before deciding to leave
But that love was built on *** and deceit
And though she claimed to love me
The searing pain coursing through my entire body
Was finally enough for me to see that
she did not know how to love
Now that I'm almost 20
My biggest fear is hurting my friends and family
Because I still never know when I could snap
My biggest worries are not making enough
Money for my life
Time for my friends
And love for my family
The universe has sent me a precious gift
Someone who knows love enough to share it with me
And though I'm still broken
Her beautiful heart helps mend my broken soul
With love and understanding
We have conquered over 7 months together
But I know she could still leave
This time the twisted beginning began from me
I broke her heart before I knew she gave it to me
And I know deep down she still resents me
But I deserve it
And she's worth it
Most days I know not who I am
Society labels me a 'girl'
But inside I know that's not me
I'm nothing,
A gender less, label less freak
And **** it hurts so bad
When they misgender me
Though I'm still too afraid to correct them
It's as though they twist a knife through my organs
Whenever they say 'she'
Who knew three letters
Could bring so much pain to me
Though I put the blade away, I turned to flames
Burning the nicotine into my lungs
Still begging not to wake up
Still thinking of death every day
Sometimes locking it out
And others inviting it in willingly
I guess Adulthood really hasn't changed a thing
I work until I can't stand it
But still cannot sleep
The depression burns more intense some days
But unlike everyone else in my life
It never truly leaves
Mar 14, 2016
Mar 14, 2016 at 6:52 AM UTC
Do you really know me?
Can you really say that?
Do you really know me
For who I really am?
I've heard things you've said about me
That are not really true
So why should you think that I'm that person
When I really wasn't
You say I love my sleep
Getting an early night
You say I love spending
On anything I see
You say I love drawing
Drawing all day long
You say I love staying at home
Just resting my feet
You say I'm girly
I love doing my nails
You say I love my make up
Having my hair down
You say I love cleaning
Tidying up the house
You say I love doing the housework
Like a proper housewife
You say I love going to the gym
Burning my muscles
You say I love champagne
Drinking wine all night long
You say I'm always happy
Because I smile
You say I look fine
Nothing wrong with me
You say I love cooking
Because I made homemade food
You say I prefer to watch TV
Rather than play in the garden
You say a lot of things
That I never said I love doing
You say things that are not true
So why did you say that?
Please don't think what I'm like
Don't think of the things you think I love doing
Don't think or guess because it's not fair
If everyone else gets the wrong idea too
If I tell you what I really am
You'll be surprised
I am not who you thought I am
Apparently
If only you'd listen to the words I say
And ask me nicely if that's what I love doing
Just don't jump into conclusion
And assume that's who I am
Jun 29, 2015
Jun 29, 2015 at 8:27 PM UTC