#whatnow
I remember feeling deep sadness.
One that clings to every limb, holding you down while you fight, fighting for one more chance, it was everything and nothing all at once, color didn’t exist, choirs didn’t sing, children didn’t laugh, it was everything and nothing all at once, dictators grabbed their power, an honest man told a lie, I tried to stop it but it was never the right time
I remember I was in my bed.
My phone was the window, the lights stayed off, there was no reason to live a life I couldn’t control, it was everything and nothing all at once, youth looked desperate, a disease without the cure, I asked a simple question “what am I supposed to be fighting for?”
It was everything and nothing
all
at
once
Jan 20, 2025
Jan 20, 2025 at 7:44 PM UTC
Can I be vulnerable now?
Can I be scared now?
Can I exhale now?
Can I cry now?
Can I sleep now?
Can I just stop being strong now?
Oct 29, 2020
Oct 29, 2020 at 2:17 PM UTC
So here I sit,
The near dead of night,
The cicadas calling to each other softly,
A muffled car softly buzzing past, the fence holding back the sound,
Off the rumbling engine and tyres on the ground.
It feels like a storm is stirring,
60 Days no rain, but a drizzle that hit today,
The wind slowly sweeps it's fine fingers across the dreary leaves,
Caressing them in a dehydrated slumber, willing them to keep living just one more day.
So I sit here, listening to all the sounds but avoiding the thoughts in my head.
I don't really know where I find myself today.
In-between a restless sleep and a tiresome day dream.
My head still swarms with thoughts of yesterdays past, and tomorrows new beginnings.
It's a feeling of stalemate, between two champion chess players.
Both feeling the frustration that neither will win.
But for me, I just wait, my head slightly sore with not knowing what to do, what new challenge will next come through the door?
What even do I think, feel or show?
That's the problem, I don't know.
My heart is broken from a relationship breakdown,
Disappointed that he was not the man I thought he was.
Yet an old love stays by my side who I have longed for, for so long.
How can one be happy yet not? It's a feeling I have struggled with for so long.
I feel so alone in my words. No-one can possibly understand how it is that I am feeling, So I speak to no-one of the thoughts in my head.
Instead, I just smile and say that I'm doing just fine for a while.
These thoughts, feelings, things I'm dealing with are mine, and I just need time.
I wish there was someone I could talk to,
And I do indeed miss you.
But you lied, the fire in my heart died, you aren't the man I thought you where.
It's sad to say, for the dishonesty you have to pay and to this day, I will never trust you again.
So this leaves me feeling blue, disheartened but not defeated.
When there's so much to talk about where does a person start without the tears tricking down their face,
All I want to do is cry, but that wont help, not right now, not in this place.
The rain hasn't come yet, and the storm is still brewing.
So instead I stay sitting, typing this poem, listening to the cicadas call to their mate, finding a partner to carry on with their fate.
Feb 22, 2020
Feb 22, 2020 at 7:23 AM UTC
Do I dive to the ocean floor
or seek the edge of the world?
And will this heart of gold
sink or float?
I tell myself
with my blood as my ink,
I have my soul to keep;
now I’m at the tip of the quill
but the slate’s wiped clean.
When there’s nothing left
but the other side,
is there nothing else to do
but go there?
Jan 8, 2020
Jan 8, 2020 at 1:10 AM UTC
8:58 pm
As I look up to the sky
In this endless void of something
I find nothing
And as the wind rages on
I see the clouds moving to reveal stars
I fee everything being pushed by this force
Even my love for you
I see it now
There’s always gonna be something than nothing
And when you feel it
It just keeps on coming
Like stars
Oh the stars
Mar 23, 2019
Mar 23, 2019 at 12:09 AM UTC
How am I?
I went from alright
to bad
I went from bad
to worse
See the sad thing of it all
I'm unsure if right now
Is going from worse to good
Or Going from worse to worst
It's unclear to me how things can get worse
It's unclear if it'll ever become better again
Shouldn't have dragged you
Into the mess that's my life
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 2:56 AM UTC
So there's this guy
I find peace in his vibes
I find true love for him even through my disguise
My several failed attempts to hid my love for him
Show me just how much I truly love him
He makes me feel like the sky's the limit
when I get down and limit myself to my surroundings
He has taken over my mind
24/7 my Thoughts and dreams are now filled with my 75 and 8
If only he could see my thought
If only he could read my mind
My 75 and 8 why are you so blind
We say were just "bestfriends"
He is my bestfriend
Maybe one day we can be more than "bestfriends"
but I do not know my fate
so I'll just sit and wait on my blind 75 and 8
Nov 26, 2017
Nov 26, 2017 at 12:16 AM UTC
Letting go is another thing in life that just doesn't sit well with me.
But I get it.
And so I must swallow whatever pride I have left.
Only because people have been sent after me.
I didn't ever think I'd see the day when my once close friends decided to bash my reputation. And to be completely fair, not everybody came after me.
But the ones who did, really wanted me to have it.
But despite what I've done. I can find some relief in knowing that some of those people still think I'm decent.
And thank God I haven't done anything to some people. I try to be kind, and that gets me a decent reputation. But only one mistake can drive it right back into the ground.
After all of this. I just want an iced capp to numb the pain and to keep me awake.
And sure, this isn't ideal.
At all.
But it's my life.
Or at least...
It is now.
May 3, 2017
May 3, 2017 at 7:56 PM UTC
Wake up late
Miss part of school
Come home
Mom’s out of town
Dad’s on a run
Four younger siblings
To take care of
One needs a ride home
Running around at track
One is in a weird mood
Strange emotions
Of a fifth grader
One keeps asking
Where is dad
I told you little man
He just went on a run
The littlest
Complaining about
Having to get off the x-box
After playing for almost
Two hours
The new kitten
Running around the house
Constantly being watched
By the kids
And here I am
Wondering
What will tomorrow bring?
May 6, 2016
May 6, 2016 at 7:37 PM UTC
When you pack and unpack
And move into your dorm
What will you do
With the memories I tucked into your hand
With the hand I gave you to trust
With the smile that you always summon from me
With the words I made sure you heard
With the heart I've given you
Will you bring them with you
Or leave them for your brothers to pick through
Aug 28, 2015
Aug 28, 2015 at 10:03 PM UTC
Have you seen it?
Seems like I've misplaced my mind.
I had it for a while...
Now it seems like I'm flying blind.
Can't piece out my thoughts,
a cacophony of riled up birds.
An **** of broken lines...
Overlapping and blurring into incomprehensible words.
Wandered in almost every direction,
but seem stumped at every end.
My mind is rapidly turning,
more foe and less a friend.
Confused is what it is at best.
Derailed far from its once reliable track.
Need to quickly regain my centre,
need desperately to get it all back.
Conjured this up...
With much difficulty.
Strenuous exercise...
For what once flowed freely.
Could it be...
That I have too frequently misused.
The welcome I've received,
that I have carelessly abused.
Ugh... Makes no sense...
Never have for a while.
Conflicting thoughts and words.
Crash into each other into a pile.
Need a reboot,
a reset and a restart.
Need to find my muse,
that stems from the heart.
Curse the mundane!
These excruciating hours of the day.
Begging for the nights,
to take me and my mind away.
Nov 10, 2014
Nov 10, 2014 at 11:40 PM UTC