#triggers
I like to hide sticky notes around the house that remind me
Sometimes the notes sing to me in a melody that I can't ignore
And the notes of perfume that cling to my nose are daunting
My eyes glued to any glimpse of the notes that I find
The taste of them give off a bitter note that I love and hate
But the only note I can't seem to find
is the one I can hold in my hands
Must've lost it somewhere..
Apr 1
Apr 1, 2026 at 11:17 PM UTC
I stand in the shower
Head filled
Loud and pounding
Only one sound
Of the past
Of the misery
In my life
I imagine a book
I could write
Of all your lies
Top selling
As I lay down
And die
Let me shorten it
In a few simple lines
I was a fool
Yet also
A mastermind
I was a schemer
A true believer
I was a mad woman
At only 14
I was hell in heels
I was a devil
Turning the wheels
I was a liar
And an accuser
I was too sensitive
Yet the abuser
I was lazy
And shallow
Too giving
Never hallow
I was a taker
But gave too much
I was a manupulater
Life ruiner
And ****
I was evil
Filled with ****
I was an attention *****
Simply too bored
I was all these things
And you were a king
I was wicked
And to blame
For even mentioning
Your precious name
In my youth i became
All these things
I was named
An evil little thing
Never human
Never a child
Never feeling
Only wild
I was to blame
So you all could maintain
Your inner truth
Your secret lies
Your insecurities
And why you cry
I was a *****
A ****
A liar
A woman of false accusations
So you could live your lives
With no shame
No regrets
So you could lie
And forget
So you could accuse
And abuse
So you could do
All the things
You said i did
To you
So you could be clean
And perfect
Your life
In no regrets
I am a thing
Never a child
I am a *****
Never abandoned
I am a twisted manipulative *****
Never a victim
I am a daughter
Never wanted
Only used
I am an alien
Laying in the deep sea
Of abuse
I'm supposed to forget
And move on
I have let go
Of the things
He had done
But I'll tell you
What's really still
Wrong
Are all these things
I became
All these things
I took the blame
For
I was stupid
A fool
I was disgusting
A tool
I was lonely
And cold
I was needy
And easy to fold
I was a child
With nowhere to go
I kept running
Clinging to hope
I was manipulated
And burning
In my throat
I clung to the first person
Who wrote.
They lied
And twisted my words
They were a *****
In every meaning of the word
They used my body
My mind
My hope
Until i was nothing
Laying there in water
Letting go
I was named
All these things
And i was a fool
Because i believed
But now i see
I was hurting
And begging for love
I was a child
With no wisdom from above
I was alone
In all this pain
And the reason
It still remains
You.
All of you
And the stains you made
To my name
I was your
Sister
Daughter
Friend
I was a child
But you all still pretend
I was the person
With evil intent
So now I'm an alien
Who looks back
Yearning for truth
For you all to see
I am bleeding
Needlessly
I know
And i see
You'll never believe
In UFOs
You'll never believe
So I should just let go
But i believe
And i see
I was just a girl
Who needed loved
Just a girl
Who needed a hug
I am me
Sometimes still a fool
But I am me
And I'll never again be a tool
I am human
Not an alien
I name me
I am a woman
I am grown
Still you all
Should have known
I will let go
But never forget
You named me
Imperfect
When I never
Deserved
It
Jan 28
Jan 28, 2026 at 2:36 AM UTC
I wake to the unfamiliar familiar:
The sound of snowfall
Books by Thoreau
Snapshots of a roiling sea
The stained-glass daybreak
The dizzy framework of her warm body
There are patterns in repeat:
A kiss
A reminisce
A fleur-de-lis
They
Find me
Bind me
Intertwine with me
I am winter, she whispered, I am spring
In medias res, you shall fall for me all over again
Jan 9
Jan 9, 2026 at 4:08 AM UTC
It's the unbridled excitement
Joy washing over a little mind, a tiny soul
Fast heart, catching words, losing breath
It's the enthusiasm of listening
Attention held for the sake of being enraptured
Wide eyes, fidgeting hands, innocent eyes
It's the space to try and fail and learning to try again
Steadfast calm; room for mistakes into lessons
Furrowed brow, gentle touch, try again
It's the unregulated volume, big laughs and frivolity
Comfort, ease, natural to take up space together
Clenched stomachs, teary eyes, Relaxed
It was "sit down, be quiet, not right now"
Dismissal of a moment but shattering worth and desire
Tight throat, quivering lip, silent steps
It was "no back talk, always sarcastic, never disrespect"
Enraged pores incite fear into obedience
Neutral stare, shutting down, have no thoughts
It was constant fear, coded footsteps and hypervigilance
Always listening in an attempt to be prepared
Tense muscles, quick movements, don't make a sound
Aug 20, 2025
Aug 20, 2025 at 9:46 AM UTC
I pull a face when I see it
pop up on my screen
Another innocent "How are you?"
I leave it unread
Deleted
Of course, he has no idea
that I never wish
to see nor
hear from him again,
lest I begin to tremble
again
Aug 7, 2025
Aug 7, 2025 at 4:04 PM UTC
Hello,
My name is Steph
And I am a domestic violence survivor.
I remember telling a Social Worker
That I was just collecting evidence
For my own ****** trial.
There were too many days
Where I truly expected
To die.
Once upon a time,
Common things like white trucks
And orange safety gear
And every single noise
Sent a shiver of panic
Down my spine.
Now I think about it less,
More like when a student
Tells me about her situation
And that she feels trapped,
Just like I did.
I guess this is what we call
Healing.
Jun 18, 2025
Jun 18, 2025 at 11:40 PM UTC
One simple thought
Igniting a wildfire
One match that turns
A whole world upside down
We can pretend that it's not there
It will burn deeper
Cause it doesn't care
A domino effect
That's hard to stop
It's a blind spot
No way to grasp it,
Change it,
Make it disappear...
The more we fight,
The stronger it'll persevere,
The more alive it is,
Contagious pain
And identification
Will keep on breaking trust
And sending us
Into a black hole
Of intoxication.
Jan 29, 2025
Jan 29, 2025 at 7:37 PM UTC
Your words bounce around my skull in the silence of night.
Headphones, music, full volume just to try to drown them out.
Even when it's so loud that my brain pulses to the rhythm of the bass, your words linger; plague.
Platitudes and half excuses for the things you didn't do.
Always trying to shift the blame that you placed on you.
I have no need to place blame, I forgave your failings, like any who loves another would do.
I listened to the words that poured from your mouth, as you spewed hatred for the love of my life.
For years I spoke kindly and made allowances for trauma that triggered my own, yet you could never see that I was right there; standing in your corner.
Years and still you haven't learned; Self-blame can't be shifted and doesn't go away...
Until you figure out why you hate yourself and see that loving is the better way.
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 12:11 PM UTC
No need for shallow chest breath
I am safe
I can breathe through my belly
Deep, becoming regular
Soothing, smoothing, slowing
No need for organised thought
I am shielded
I can relax into this place
Calm, becoming gentle
Softening, swaying, sliding
No need for clock watching
Dali time only
I can exist, chrono-sheltered
Now, becoming ageless
Melting, muting, morphing
Here…
A door with round window
Mellowing to Renoir-lens
Glossy, smudgy, charm
Hobbit-style architecture
Familiar, shire-y, amiable
Lit warm and soft
A brown carpet bag
Caressing the rich pile
Sturdy, salvaged, true
Tardis-like inner structure
Dependable holder, infinite
For weights and woe
Smooth, even, stone stairs
Descending in timeworn strength
Secure, bendless, cool
Delivering, guiding journey-way
To ease and mend
I tender-lift my bag
Zip open for a prize
On every step
Each stair a healing game
The bag a hungry friend
To hold my heavy goods
And bare them strong for me
As I descend
Step one is for fear
Two for screaming
Three for ache
with blurred-out meaning
Four for panic
Five dark-dread
that slither-twists through sleep in bed
If guilt is six
Then shame is seven
long blame-soaked school without a lesson
Eight for pleading
Nine for weeping
Ten for wounds, and burns, and bleeding
The bag now zipped, trapped weights and woe,
is set down gently, as I go
All grateful heart, and kindess-eyed
Door opens as
I walk outside
Oct 13, 2024
Oct 13, 2024 at 1:28 AM UTC
it strikes several time a day
—the dread—
carves me out like a soft squash
my torso becomes a vast painful cavity
the will to live stares morosely down,
frayed wires of puppet strings snap about my head
the soul holds me paralyzed over the void
lest I throw myself in
it is not my time
I don’t remember how the episode passes
I just know that it does
and I am free to move again
mechanical and numb through the day
at least, for a few more hours
Jan 30, 2023
Jan 30, 2023 at 5:13 AM UTC
~_I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in._
—Portia Nelson, "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"
My own four experiences with holes
written October 5th, 2021
1.
I walk down a road
I fall into a hole
This happens a few times
I stop walking down roads.
2.
I get tired of being stuck in one place
I decide to try again.
I walk down a road
A different road than before
I know holes can happen
I keep my eyes on my feet
Just in case.
3.
I walk down roads
I carefully keep a list
of roads with holes
It is always in my mind
Is this a safe road?
Will it be safe today?
4.
I walk down a road with a friend
I forget to check if it's a safe road
We are talking and laughing
Then I realize
This is that very first road
the one with that big hole.
Did we not notice and walk around it?
Did we float over it?
Is the hole gone?
Will it come back?
So many questions.
All I really know is
I am grateful for
the moments of not worrying about holes
while laughing with a friend.
Oct 6, 2021
Oct 6, 2021 at 12:05 PM UTC
Why do you haunt me ghost
Lingering, lurking, and watching your host
Around every joyful corner you linger
From every happy window you watch
And from ever peripheral shadow you lurk
You do not own me
Yet you dangle a key
As if to show my captivity
In chains I am bound
As memories fly around
Nightmare is a better name
For this haunting game
Day lit terrors before my eyes
Sunny momentarily, til you cover the skies
A dark lit confusion
Met with desperation
All the unspoken screams
Still rattle in my head
Fear fills what were once dreams
Panic now owns my bed
A bed I wish to share
With kindness and love
But you lay there and stare
Apr 4, 2021
Apr 4, 2021 at 9:42 PM UTC
All my desires
they saturate me like
a towel wrung out too many times
drowning in unknown "solutions"
my heart twisted limp to the point where
the water just flows over me
It tells me that
what’s left to do is the ***** work
the clean up
the kind that might even leave
an even bigger mess
unless
there is hope that
with a shrug and a smug grin
and a passionate rage
someone is brave enough to tear
this place of pain down
burn through the house of empty dreams
and lofty, stubborn hopes
Oct 26, 2020
Oct 26, 2020 at 12:48 AM UTC
the scent of eucalyptus
smells like trauma
and rooms with purple walls
are challenging to breathe in
and occasionally, I meet
someone whose voice
flies straight through
my ears and rushes
to my memories.
I can't hear them.
I can only hear my past.
I know that
to anyone who
doesn't know me,
I am confusing.
you can tie me up
and **** me hard.
I like the pain.
but touch my feet,
and I will attack you.
and I won't warn you.
I won't tell you that once,
an ex broke nine of my toes
so I couldn't run away.
you'll never know.
you can smoke
standing next to me.
it wont bother me.
I smoke too.
but move your hand
a little too fast
while you're holding
a lit cigarette or joint,
and I will attack you.
and I won't warn you.
I won't show you
the cigarette burn scars
that he left on my skin.
you'll never know.
you can take me to a
concert where the bass
shakes the floor.
I'd love that.
the noise doesn't
bother me at all.
but there are some tunes
that practicing musicians
sometimes play on the drums.
play those, and
I will attack you.
and I won't warn you.
I won't tell you that
my ****** was in a band.
he was their drummer;
maybe he still is.
you'll never know.
I panicked once
in my sleep, and the man
who I fell in love with
tried to comfort me.
I didn't recognize him.
by the time I did,
he had blood on his shirt
dripping from his nose.
I had blood on my knuckles.
I didn't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt
anyone who I love.
I don't want to attack you, or
have to warn you that I might.'
I'm not violent, I swear.
that isn't me.
I would never hurt you.
but for a moment,
when I hear or taste or
smell or see something
that triggers me,
that isn't me.
it's my body, yes,
but it's not me inside.
I have retreated deep
inside of myself,
and all that's left
is a hollow shell
made of my skin.
for a moment, I become
a person trying to survive a
threat that is no longer there.
for a moment, I won't know
that it's you. I won't see you or
feel you or hear you talking to me.
because for a moment,
you smell like trauma.
for a moment, you make it
challenging to breathe.
for a moment,
my brain won't register
that you are you.
all you are to me
in those moments
is another danger.
I don't want to hurt you.
it's the opposite.
I want to escape so that
you can't hurt me.
Oct 24, 2020
Oct 24, 2020 at 6:30 AM UTC
Finally relaxing
on my high-rise roof
I notice you across the street on
your balcony seemingly aloof
listening to vintage Carly Simon,
“That’s the Way I’ve Always Heard it Should Be”
You stare my way and energetically waive
I hesitate, smile and then return the gesture
As if on cue you stand and press against the railing
Still smiling as my heart beats faster
"What's your name?" you playfully cry out
"Who wants to know?" is my surprising reply
~Who really am I?
Sudden flashbacks hijack my thinking
~Song lyrics dredging up buried memories…
Why is this happening? Why am I sinking?
~Triggered
I hear your beseeching, unintelligible shouts as I retreat
Painful memories open like an oubliette under my feet—
p
l
u
n
g
i
n
g
Lost and languishing in isolation's labyrinth
© 2020 by Mark Toney. All rights reserved.
#
Aug 8, 2020
Aug 8, 2020 at 12:53 AM UTC
Where are the source of your thoughts
Contesting emotional triggers
Consider those eyelids to flicker
Additional context adds stress
As different paths stretch us apart
Sleep deep within these sheets
Another drill to overcome
The next hurdle and then some
Distracted by less with
small progressive steps
A learning tool for all
Dig away at the molehills
Digress with flexed biceps
Reminded to incorporate rest
Jul 30, 2020
Jul 30, 2020 at 1:23 PM UTC
Confrontations of candor
Bittersweet release
Relentless ghosts whisper
“The devil is in the details”
Chemical haze; colored sands of stark contrast
I can’t seem to sift through
Tight grips
White knuckled grasping
It runs through my fingertips regardless
A heart stitched together with scar tissue
Thick, white lines etched carefully on thighs
If my heart grows
Will I find stretch marks there, too?
Silky smooth tracing
With bony fingertips
The birth of fresh skin cells
Each year more and more
Skin dissolves into dust from before
It runs through my fingertips regardless
The girl with the protruding rib cage
With fire just behind
Blue-green, ever-shifting eyes
She branded passion into her arms
With a lit cigarette
Eyes that only saw black or white
Torment suffered red
Pain inflicted blue
Fused into monochrome shades of slate
Digging up her grave
Clawing at the dirt and sand
Until blood runs down soft hands
Struggling to separate the two
Dry, dry sand
It slips through my fingertips regardless
Jun 30, 2020
Jun 30, 2020 at 12:14 PM UTC
Those
who hurt you most
be muses to the soul
pressing buttons
you be wearing
telling
of an un-declaring
Jun 15, 2020
Jun 15, 2020 at 11:57 AM UTC
I'm okay
Really I am
I'm over it
I can talk about it without shedding a tear
I can move on without fear
Have I forgiven him?
We laugh and talk most times than not
The scars lay dormant
Then a whisper
The scars are scratched
Wounds reopened
I relive the nightmare
Then comes the shadow
Of pain and uncertainty
Conflicting emotions
Thirst for peace and vengeance
It seems my demons follow me
And no matter how much I try
I can't escape them
For the triggers are my shadow
And they're never far behind.
Apr 24, 2020
Apr 24, 2020 at 5:46 AM UTC
Absence is a strange occurrence,
a shapeshifter manifesting
in the most trivial things.
A presence where there is none.
Something never entirely gone.
Nov 20, 2019
Nov 20, 2019 at 10:21 AM UTC
Fears created by years and years of trauma and abuse and manipulation. Triggered by the smallest thing.
I’m sorry.
Sep 7, 2019
Sep 7, 2019 at 2:44 AM UTC