#triggering
wanting others to put more deep thought into things
calling out those who don't even look at these words
finding few things written about taking one's time
wondering if writing a slur will raise some brows
Apr 29
Apr 29, 2026 at 8:28 PM UTC
Child: hey ma my freinds said they asked about the honey
Mum: Are you drunk?
Child: no
Child: is not alchool its hinoney ma hon
“Misscall from Mum”
Mum: R U @ stacy’s house?
“Misscall from Mum”
Child: Im at a beach a lake or iidkthe car
Mum: Answer your phone!
Mum: who is with you?
Child: can you come pick em uip
Child: me up
Child: i wan go hoke now
Mum: Yes baby just answer your phone we can figure out where you are
“Child could not be reached”
“Child could not be reached”
“Child could not be reached”
Oct 30, 2020
Oct 30, 2020 at 8:53 AM UTC
My lover has a scar
Just above her hipbone;
It's not a small ****
a forgotten accident.
They're words -
Straight lines she etched
Deliberately,
Slowly,
Painfully.
I trace my fingers softly,
Not to wake my love,
But I can't soften their bite.
Words of cruel warning,
An order, imperative.
Commanding, even faded,
Echo a silent scream.
They mock me, mock us,
For they still have a hold:
She is only half mine.
They hurt me, cold,
Like unblinking eyes,
Knowing that she stares back
Every day.
I barely brush them,
Intruders on soft skin,
Indelible scripture
Of darkness within.
And they keep whispering:
don't eat.
Sep 30, 2020
Sep 30, 2020 at 11:43 AM UTC
Words never said
Only written down
Never seen by anyone
Never noticed
The smile on my face
It's only fake
My happy attitude only comes from force
Leave it to me
To see a tool
A box cutter
And only think about stealing the blade
Not for cutting a box though
Written words
Words unspoken
Silence is the loudest scream
Tell that to everyone else
Written words
Not on paper but skin
Written words
Not with ink but blood
Scars forming
Never to go away again
Sep 6, 2020
Sep 6, 2020 at 7:02 PM UTC
My palms are cold and ******
Your name stains my tongue
I prefer sleeping with my eyes open
Bloodshot eyes and boiling skin
I can’t believe they let you out
Randy, Was it worth the laugh
Does my blood still stain your hands
Do you close your eyes and remember me
I want you to feel the pain you drove into my veins
The smile you craved into my brain stains my teeth
My smile likes yours I no longer know myself
My childhood smells of tears and blood
But all you cared about was a rub and some ***
Using a woman as your toys, you see them as objects
You see me as an object no longer will I be yours
Randy, was it worth the laugh you had that night
Before the cops came and shocked your night
Shocked your life and made your night a living hell.
My brain still screams in agony at the sight of your name.
Sep 6, 2020
Sep 6, 2020 at 3:00 PM UTC
in the darkest of my nights,
in the worst of my days,
the only thing that i could control
were the calories i ate
and the numers on the scale
Aug 16, 2020
Aug 16, 2020 at 6:13 PM UTC
i'm stuck in this bomb of a body;
heels pressed into the knowledge
that things will always go wrong.
finger cocked on the hair-trigger that is my mind;
whether the blast will go inwards or out no one knows.
either way, the result will hurt everyone close
to this disaster that is me and myself;
the only thing i can be trusted to do
is sabotage my health -
i fail on purpose at everything else,
Jul 12, 2020
Jul 12, 2020 at 4:05 AM UTC
i feel like someone
is trying to pry open my ribcage
with a crowbar
like the doors to a closed bar
ready and wanting to drink in the rage
sitting in my heart
the only question is:
will they reach it before I die
and anger flows out of my body
on the wings of relief?
Jul 11, 2020
Jul 11, 2020 at 11:57 PM UTC
So you accidentally cheated,
***** a young girl to death,
Preying on other's wives
Stole your employer's cash
Committed several atrocities,
You were all smiles till you got caught,
Someone got to your head,
It's witchcraft
So you play the victim
The demons were at play
Beg for forgiveness
While you blame it on the devil.
Jul 8, 2020
Jul 8, 2020 at 4:04 PM UTC
Residential Treatment
it isn't what I thought it'd be
I don't know what I had in mind
Perhaps a place to heal,
a place to unwind
But we delve into my conciousness
Past the men who toyed with me
and past the things you'd done to me,
further till my blood ran cold
two figures
a child
a man
my hand in his
as they walk down the corridor
masked by darkness
I dared to cast a glance at him
My eyes returned to the hardwood floor
He opens the door
A dark room, I'm filled with dread
my stomach drops
And then it stops
We're driving home
back in your memory
In your truck,
the place where you hurt me
Your vile touch
Black eyes of greed
Why do I feel safer,
here in the arms of a predator
than where that man took me?
Jun 14, 2020
Jun 14, 2020 at 8:46 PM UTC
your filthy hands
gripped on my jaw,
your grimy fingers
forcing my mouth open
treated like a dog who won't let go of a shoe
defiled
ruined
dehumanized
Mar 11, 2020
Mar 11, 2020 at 12:53 PM UTC
The bottle has a lot of words
Like a flock of flightless birds.
It tells me not to exceed two
Just like my friends telling me not to exceed heartbreaks from you.
You tell me to take eleven
So that I wont go to heaven.
But I ended up taking thirteen
So that my vision turned green.
I started getting dizzy
And the world was going fizzy.
Which way was up, and which way was down?
My vision started turning brown.
My stomach started to ache
My mind started to break.
The tears kept falling
And i kept bawling.
The ground was so cold as I laid there waiting for oblivion
I felt like I was done.
I couldn't handle the colours no more
so I shut the door.
I laid on my bed looking at the clock
And glanced at the door lock.
I shut my eyes calmly
As my arms rested near me.
The clock struck one
And I was done.
Mar 22, 2019
Mar 22, 2019 at 10:18 PM UTC
I sit on the rooftop
Not two feet away from the edge.
Not two feet away from a release
So sweet
I can taste candy
On my tongue.
From the Siren’s song
Playing in my head
So clearly
That I hum along.
I feel temptation’s kiss
On my lips –
So soft
Softer than any man before.
But even as I look down
At the concrete and grass below
That beckons me closer
Into their warm embrace –
I turn away.
Because the unknown
After that leap
Terrifies me more
Than tomorrow
Or the day after that.
Jan 28, 2019
Jan 28, 2019 at 3:13 PM UTC
i am broken
like a carousel off its axis;
lost,
because I have to figure out how to fix this
shattered mind
with no blueprints for what a stable one looks like;
hopeless,
in a world that shoves happiness and recovery
down my throat anyway;
someone
who lives only for the sake of others
those who mistakenly believe i can be saved;
soulless,
because for all that i feel
none of those emotions touch me
deep enough to pull me out of this void
i'm living in.
i am.
dying
and already dead inside.
Jan 27, 2019
Jan 27, 2019 at 2:36 PM UTC
i woke up sad,
wondering when will i be glad?
i saw a blade,
i cut, hoping scars will fade,
i wish i could be happy,
but i feel so ugly,
having depression is not fine,
people seeing your scars feels like
you've committed a crime,
people asking if im okay,
of course i will smile and say im okay,
people trying to help me,
******* sake, stop pretending, oh gee
i am smoking and cutting,
hoping one day i would be dying,
everytime i close my eyes,
hoping sadness flies,
i feel so alone,
all i do is frown,
everyone left,
save me from my self;
Sep 30, 2018
Sep 30, 2018 at 10:12 AM UTC
Will I find you
in the shadows
looking over me
Will there be you
or it is just the continuation
of recurring hallucination.
It is getting trickier
to place you between
the imaginary and real you
both out to mess around me
your madness is catching me
the shady creature
filling my head space.
Manipulative ways
simply tracking my businesses
connecting into the web
stalking at all time
triggering an all kind
paranoia.
Invading in was easy
but the red light is on
between the scenes
the mask flew away
true colours will come out.
Holes in your plans
aren't as visible to you
the green figures
through the night vision
has come to play too
this exposure to the truth
keeps me sane
you got a new player
in this game.
I am counting the days
waiting for you in the shadows
to watch you
fall into your traps.
Apr 16, 2018
Apr 16, 2018 at 11:58 AM UTC
The knife slid smooth across smoother skin,
A thrilling thing, a winning sting,
Blood bubbling up like syrupy scarlet wine.
Alarm bells felt like fireworks to celebrate the first time,
“That’s dangerous!” the brain screams, eyeing the **** aghast
“It’s exciting.” the body sings, sighing dreamily and relaxing finally,
I’ve found a way out, I think, somewhere between the two.
To bleed is not to die, but certainly it holds the key,
Perhaps someday, some night in the haze of the absence of sleep,
I’ll reach for my razor and cut so deep,
That all there will be left to do is bleed and bleed and bleed
Apr 9, 2018
Apr 9, 2018 at 8:57 PM UTC
today i woke up feeling superly enraged
again, numerous of problems that i have to face
faking smiles, making strong words, so people would trust
today i woke up wishing i wasn't here, in this house
i don't know maybe somewhere else, not with this family
yelled at, cursed upon, always told me i'm lazy as ****
little do they know what i wonder at night
when i'm alone in bed, staring at the ceiling
or even during the day, basically anywhere,
"am i lazy? nah, i get things done, how am i lazy?"
little do they know how thoughts swarm my head
right after what they do and or what they say,
"i need to calm myself, what should i do?"
and then grabbing a laptop or a paper to write
you know, if i was lazy i wouldn't be grabbing anything cause i would just cry or yell at people but then again i'm not as calm as what personality tests describe me: "just like water"
yeah, you mean, "easily wrecked and one touch finishes all"
today i woke up feeling superly energized
energized to work, to do things, positively,
and then it instantly drains me, like sugar rush,
last but not least, energized to **** who? myself
– billiondays
Mar 6, 2018
Mar 6, 2018 at 4:30 AM UTC
They say that suicide survivors are usually relieved when they don't succeed their attempt.
Some are even happy.
I am not one of those survivors.
I don't like having to explain why I have such deep scars on my wrist;
Or apologize when I slur and stumble over my words when I'm sober because all of the pills that I overdosed on effected my brain.
I don't like having to live with the realization that I'm even a failure at killing myself.
I have to live not seeing a future.
When people ask me where I see myself in ten years, I have to lie.
I make up some stupid, cliché response like "married with kids." or "super rich with my **** together."
When really I'm actually thinking to myself, "I don't see myself anywhere in ten years because I plan to be dead before then."
I may of made it 18, and to 21, and to 23 but I will be ****** if I make it 30.
There is no future for me.
Nov 30, 2017
Nov 30, 2017 at 9:56 PM UTC
The numbness of old, once scabbed over scars
The ones where you went too deep,
Should've gotten stitches.
But instead you sent your hopes to the stars
For them alone to keep,
But they don't listen.
Medicine and serotonin
All that seems to matter in the grand scheme
Aggravation and empty promises
Let me not fall back into that bottomless ravine
They say when you wake up with a start
(Like you fell from a cliff and hit the ground,)
They say that's your soul, another part
Of you that died without a sound.
Our love is ravenous and consuming us alive
I hope in the end we make it out side by side
I grind my teeth and bite my tongue
Say not the ways my mind has come undone
For your safety I keep myself around
For our sanity we love each other unbound
Should you choose to turn around
And walk the other way;
My heart will beat its last for you.
First loves never really count-
But the last one, I hope it never fades,
The last one, I hope is you.
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 3:53 PM UTC
Your touch haunts me.
I feel you in the most intimate places.
Possessing my soul.
Not even a priest can save me from you.
Oct 26, 2017
Oct 26, 2017 at 4:53 PM UTC
I tried to make it easy for myself. To give it up. I used to sit around pick at my food, and wonder how many pounds I would need to lose. I had a goal set in my mind. I wasn't ready to stop. It was becoming my time. All the constant compliments on my weight, didn't care if I saw the light of day, as long I was skinny, I was happy. I was pretty.
Now the world's a pretty ****** up place. But when you have BDD you think you're a disgrace. I pushed and pulled and tried to mold my body, into something I wasn't. That's not even the ****** part. I used to take the pills, chug the water. Was ashamed to call myself my parent's daughter. I was praying for something to come. And while it seems real dumb because according to you I'm pretty, I don't see what you see. Me calling myself fat wasn't for attention. It was a call for help. I just wanted to mention that starving yourself won't get the job done, and if you think it will, it'll harm you a ton. So please stay beautiful the way you are. And don't lose that precious beat in your heart. You're the only you there'll ever be. I love you for you. I just don't love me for me.
Sep 10, 2017
Sep 10, 2017 at 12:47 AM UTC