#transitioning
You look at me again with those dreadful eyes
Scanning me over with an anger I didn't know you had
Like I'm something to be fixed
And I get it
My bones are wrong
And crooked
And jutting out in all the wrong ways
I know I'm sick
I know I'm ugly and gross
And that all the butterflies are rotting inside me as my flesh wilts away
You don't even need to say it
Your eyes have already become mirrors to the worst parts of myself
But for once
For once I can feel the sun wrap her arms around me
Taste the way her kisses linger on my tongue
All honeying and merciful
But yeah, sure, tell me again about how you're scared
Tell me again
I know I'm not the boy you think I am
I know it hurts to see me writhing
Cocooning myself
Changing
But I promise you this:
When you see me again
I’ll be beautiful
Apr 9
Apr 9, 2026 at 2:47 PM UTC
if
there was
only a way
I could explain
to you
if
there was
only a way
to tell you.
She.
Is.
Gone.
You are all monsters.
Feb 4, 2025
Feb 4, 2025 at 10:33 AM UTC
my skin is howling
my tears descend
the pain is somehow still caged
my throat swells
my jaw tightens
the hurt must stay within
its more painful than anything I’ve ever felt
like a pack of wolves tearing my heart out
the pain is eating me
eating more than I ate for the years my dysphoria got me to starve myself
i can’t hide anymore
tear me open if you must
but tear me open in the right places
Nov 16, 2020
Nov 16, 2020 at 7:50 PM UTC
I know that you love me,
the way you love a lost part of yourself.
Sometimes, I wonder
if you see
the being I am becoming
It’s hard to get good sleep
I know that’s why you pray
I don’t believe in God
but,
who am I to say?
Oct 19, 2020
Oct 19, 2020 at 2:23 AM UTC
never thought you'd be mine
here i am pulling on your strings
playing your melodies
while the texture plays me a memory
a lost boy running for his life
in the forest overrun
clones of himself can't escape
for he is his own greatest enemy
a boy with no features
no features of a boy
or what society deems
a boy with hairless skin
and effeminate lips
a boy with no regard to how high
the decibels of his voice was
a boy who ran on his feet while withering his chest
a boy who couldn't always take in deep breaths
a boy who chose how big or how small he wanted to show the world his ***** was
a boy who didn't exactly fit the narrative
a boy nonetheless
but is it now that i am a man?
is it now that when i touch the hair on my face, it makes me he?
is it the voice i desperately tried to craft? or is it my piece of clothing that binds the skin, and bone of my body?
is it my shoes and how they're bigger and longer? maybe it's my laugh and smile that gives it away.
maybe it's nothing at all.
and i'm deemed a man for a selfish binary who doesn't care about my traumatic experiences being hunted by my own mind.
she is blind to her crashing disaster.
she'll grant me with an immunity called privilege.
immunity from being recognized as a woman, and being treated as such by code.
but at least my ****** hair is tangible.
Jul 13, 2020
Jul 13, 2020 at 2:30 AM UTC
A floral mat
Separates me from
The tile floor
I feel anxious despite the peace
The instructor speaks
My heart stops
Because I know
The chest binder can’t hold
Through another downward-facing dog
Apr 15, 2019
Apr 15, 2019 at 7:12 PM UTC
Heaviness
The weight on my chest
Excessive flesh
A distinctive sign
Separating me
From the other men in the room
Apr 15, 2019
Apr 15, 2019 at 7:05 PM UTC
This is a suicide note
From the person you thought I was.
From the girl, from the woman, and
From the person who used bathrooms without a ******
“If you are reading this
Then I am dead.
It was inevitable.
I would have died either way.
The only variable was
Whether or not
He died too.”
Oct 22, 2018
Oct 22, 2018 at 12:26 PM UTC
Pregnant clouds wait in pain to give birth to rain.
The sun leaves to its abode, and one wonders where exactly does it go.
Left us here with weather that used to be fair but all I see is gray skies.
It could change the mood of anyone but still I keep my head up high.
Here it comes, thunder rolls and lightning dances above our heads.
I'll just wait till this storm is over because there's no way I could get to bed.
Instead I sit here at this window thinking of summer and all that has happened up till now.
I'm still practicing at mastering the art of detachment, and I'm making progress somehow.
But this rain can bring alot to mind, it brings what I try to hide out
and so I sit with it, reminiscing I see your face appear in the clouds.
Just my imagination playing games with me.
Got me going through scenarios in my head, thinking bout how it'd be if you never left,
but I won't dwell on it for too long cuz it'll just leave me stressed.
The second I shake the feeling your face turns back into a cloud.
Oh, the things that happen when I reminisce too long and find myself thinking out loud.
I'm alone but not lonely, still in love with you only.
Letting it go but doing it slowly because I've been missing you...
Aug 21, 2018
Aug 21, 2018 at 5:34 PM UTC
I wake up in the bath
after a day on the wine.
Fat ******* arrives
at mine around nine.
Friday night and it's too much,
the temptation.
******* powder with dehydration.
Back into town,
bouncing around like a clown.
Absorbing attention,
I'm the star of the show.
I'm cloaking my secret,
the one they can't know.
I'm out of my mind
and I've no Idea where.
I cannot go back,
'cause she lives in there.
I've been running for years,
purge after purge.
Yet I know come tomorrow,
I'll again have the urge.
Because I need her
and I love her.
I am her!
Poetry by Kaydee.
Jun 29, 2018
Jun 29, 2018 at 3:58 PM UTC
I'm uncomfortable
I'm uncomfortable in this feminine peice of **** others call a body
I look in the mirror and all I see is deadname
My body isn't me
My body is deadname
I figured this out yesterday
So I finalized my decision to get top surgery
Only to find out that my insurance matches my peice of **** body
Top surgery isn't covered
Apparently it's cosmetic
**** you
You don't have to live in a body that's wrong
It's not my fault I was put in a body with ***** and curves and bumps in all the wrong places
I don't have 5000 dollars because I already had to pay for intensive outpatient therapy that insurance wouldn't cover
What's the point of having insurance if it only costs and doesn't pay
Aug 22, 2017
Aug 22, 2017 at 3:15 PM UTC
being proud to be black is more important than
slavery
money
insurance
whiteness
caution tape around a social construction zone
that is also an advertisement
also is a warning
advertisement
whiteness
warning
blackness
advertisement
warning
in another language
pay attention to this
if you do not then this will happen
whiteness or else!
Liberty
constitution
justice
whiteness or else!
screaming it
acting like its this pretty evolved thing to be
technologically advanced
to the ultimate in dissociative technology
Organic Intelligence knows within power struggle of language
advertisements and warnings are the same
Jul 29, 2016
Jul 29, 2016 at 2:31 AM UTC
Two burns, left wrist
Two more burns, left hand
Two fading slits, left ankle
Easier to deal with, to understand
These six scars...
They are the only ones that I have
Well, the only ones in your eyes
The only ones that were deliberate
Deliberate necessities
There is one on the right side
Of my nose too
But it was accidental
Nothing more than a childish
Slip of the foot
"Sorry, it was just a slip of the tongue"
I need you
I need more
Two more, in precision
(a double incision)
One on the right
And one on the left
"No cesarean for me, thanks"
No life coming out of this body
No matter how beautiful
I could have made you
I would have kept you safe
I promise
I won't let them hurt you
They'll understand
**They have to
They have to
They have to**
But that's what I thought before
And yet they still don't
Not today, not quite yet
But they have to
And I've been thinking
And drinking
And smoking
And toking
And I do not know
How far I will go
So cut me open
Take what I don't want
Because I do not want this
Remove my heart
You may as well
While you're in there
It's been aching so badly lately
And this is all that I want right now
They will let me do it
**They have to
They have to
They have to**
They will...
Won't they?
You can not see teardrops
Amongst raindrops
Can not distinguish between
The peaceful and the pained
And I fall, I fall hard
I crash and you feel me, you do
But rain is a friend
Rain is something that I can trust
Something that I can relate to, rely on
*Too quiet to be seen as thunder
Too dull to be seen as lightning
Too transparent to be seen at all
From a distance...*
You get used to rain after a while
We are known for our weather
(Rain rain go away)
Let the sun shine
So that I can become a rainbow
Cut me open and pull out my heart
Offer it to that planet's glorious rays
Look up at me
Not down on me
And tell me that I am beautiful
Tell me that I mean something
To you
That I mean anything
Because I am not mean
I mean
**I love you
I love you
I love you**
I try far too hard
You think that I don't try at all
But it's ******* hard
It's SO ******* hard
And I am trying my best
And I am transgender
I am the she / he / whatever
The it
I do not deserve you
But do I really deserve this?
I know that these are not raindrops
I can taste the salt, slowly rolling
And rolling down
And down my face
My tear-stained face
Please tell me that I am worthy
Please let me do this
Please, please, let me do this...
You have to
YOU HAVE TO
*I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not okay*
Save me
Fish me out of the ditch
Ditch me halfway through
My transition
LET ME TRANSITION
**You have to
You have to
You have to**
It hurts
It hurts so bad, oh God
And I'm not getting anything in return
So let me pain myself
Until I can breathe again
With a smile on my face
A smile that will not run in the rain
I am running through the rain
Running away from myself
I am falling, as rain falls on me
And I am crying
*I'm not alright
I'm not okay*
So let me do this
You have to.. You have.. You..
You will...
Won't you..?
Because I'm not alright
And I'm not okay
I am transparent, I am transitioning
I am transgender
Whether you like it
Or not.
May 11, 2015
May 11, 2015 at 6:52 PM UTC
Becoming myself
Rising from the ashes of a girl
Into the fires of womanhood
I am between
Slowly, gradually
I am finding things about myself
that I never knew
Was it that I never asked?
Or is it newly hatched?
That I'll never know
But surely I am becoming me
Flaming feathers of confidence rising every month or so
As I molt my childhood fears
My body shifts to accommodate for life ahead
And make me beautiful
Victory comes closer
As required schooling gets closer to ending and college creeps in
Drama is soon to taint my crimson
Pressure increases
But I will continue to transform
Despite all this
And become the brightest phoenix I can be
May 24, 2014
May 24, 2014 at 4:30 PM UTC