#suicidethoughts
My little sister called me tonight.
Her voice cracked before she even said hello.
She saw the heart I typed,
and thought I was saying goodbye.
She shouldn’t have to live like this—
bracing herself
every time I answer too slowly,
learning to read my silences
like warning signs.
She’s just a kid.
My baby.
The one I used to tuck in
and promise monsters weren’t real.
But now I am the monster.
Not to her.
Never to her.
But to myself.
I am the nightmare she can’t wake up from.
The danger she can’t punch away.
The reason she checks her phone
like it’s a lifeline
and a bomb
at the same time.
And I hate it.
I hate that she’s learning
to live on edge
because of me.
Because I might break
and take her with me.
So maybe—
maybe the kindest thing I could do
is just end it.
Once.
Not again and again
in panicked calls and whispered fears
and “I love you”s that sound too final.
Not in sirens or hospital beds
or birthdays where I couldn’t come.
Just once.
One clean tear through the timeline.
One scream.
One silence.
And then nothing.
She’d cry,
yes.
But she’d stop being afraid.
She wouldn’t have to wonder anymore.
Wouldn’t have to scan my messages
for signs of collapse.
Wouldn’t have to carry
this slow, rotting dread
that her sister might be dying
in a place she can’t reach.
Maybe grief
would be easier than fear.
Maybe heartbreak
would feel like freedom
after years of holding her breath.
I think about that a lot.
How maybe
the kindest thing I could ever do for her
is disappear.
May 31, 2025
May 31, 2025 at 4:32 PM UTC
Anorexia
She's the most cowardly death
There can be.
So much effort
Many lies
And also a lot of courage
Just to be consumed
And see you die
More and more
Everyday.
But never
I felt more cowardly than now.
Never.
Anorexia
Like self-harm
Are the scariest monsters
I could meet
Because even when
I think I'm out of it
I know it's not like that
And I suffer
And I try to do everything possible
For not to swallow anything
But it's late now
I just have to stay
Waiting for that flow of acidic liquid
Get out of my mouth
And free me
Free me
From that feeling of disgust that I feel
Throwing down a single bite.
So
I would like
To take me to cuts
Cut that crap of fat
Everywhere
And be light
And free.
Oct 9, 2018
Oct 9, 2018 at 9:53 AM UTC
She draws
Breath
In
As she knows
To do
When the panics
Rise
And suddenly
In the edge
Between inhale
And ex
She wills
The knot
Of muscle
Beneath *******
And bone
To rest
And slow
Band
By
Band
Until
It is still
So she can be
For she is very tired.
Sep 15, 2018
Sep 15, 2018 at 9:00 AM UTC