#substanceabuse
I bought my peace in silver flakes,
from shadow hands in quiet breaks.
They said it shimmered, said it flew —
but gravity still pulled me through.
I lined the stars on bathroom tile,
called it freedom for a while.
It sparkled like a borrowed sky —
but burned like comets passing by.
I chased the night, I chased the glow,
until the stars fell down below.
And when the morning asked for me —
I left in dreams I’d paid to see.
Jul 12, 2025
Jul 12, 2025 at 5:50 AM UTC
When you’ve done enough
The sorrow will fade in the lack of clear thoughts and the beats of a broken heart will eventually stop
Apr 29, 2025
Apr 29, 2025 at 6:17 PM UTC
I sat across from a lady today.
She looked tired—
not sleepy tired, but tired.
Tired of life,
tired of chasing a drug
that just ends up ******* you over in the end.
Tired of the chase,
waking up every morning
just to figure out how to get the next fix.
She smiled and laughed,
but you could hear the pain when she talked.
***** drugged, sold her body—
all the things she endured
just because she needed a fix.
Today, she said she wanted out of the lifestyle.
She talked about her previous clean time.
She wants inpatient,
but everyone is telling her it’s a waste.
My heart hurts
because I fear she may believe them.
I reminded her she was beautiful,
that she still had so much life left to live.
She sat quietly,
counting change out of her purse.
When asked what she needed,
she shrugged and said,
“I need my next fix.”
Feb 28, 2025
Feb 28, 2025 at 5:20 PM UTC
end of eyes
and of a dusk drawl
civil twilight for hair
sodium rain
when a day is done
no music
for the destroyer in vein
you're so alive
but you teach me
how to mourn your passing
over and over
one ambulance
at a time
Sep 10, 2024
Sep 10, 2024 at 12:42 AM UTC
I don’t know why I ever started,
Maybe I was just trying to fill the empty void I felt inside.
Chasing the rush of happiness,
The sheer euphoria I craved.
The bad memories diminishing like a million shooting stars in the night sky,
Every thin white line making me forget the cold, hard truth.
I am an addict,
The person I swore to myself that I would never be.
I don’t know how to stop,
But the saddest part is I don’t want to.
Jan 28, 2022
Jan 28, 2022 at 3:56 PM UTC
From the beginning:
It’s a new year and I quit my job
**** it, I’ll never be good at serving
Directionless in 2013
January.
It’s unusually warm.
Your presence in the room is a rock in my shoe
You’re so cool
And I’m a mess.
Remember, you called me Heather in bed?
And I made you go home?
Well.
I forget.
Now we’re crossing the street
For your birthday, it’s your birthday,
Makers Mark, count ‘em, 2 ounces at a time.
Stacked up like unread texts and why don’t you like me’s
I don’t remember
But I’m probably crying
Flash in to outside
God it’s like 60
Deciding to go with you
Asking you to kiss me
(I had a long term boyfriend in my 20s
And his mother would buy me toilet paper for Christmas
The gift of hindsight is kind of like that:
Practical and helpful and a ****** of a gift)
Today is 9 years to the day
My parents know and they’re on their way
The nurse thinks I might be paralyzed
11 broken bones and two black eyes
This is the end of the beginning
Which is the easy part
I’ve never been able to write it all down
Spin it into art
Be warned, I can’t guarantee poetry
From a patched-but-still-leaking heart.
Jan 8, 2022
Jan 8, 2022 at 9:21 AM UTC
Asphyxiated
High on sleeping pills,
A human form lies in bed,
Who knows what grief snatched
the bag of life from him,
Now he sleeps like a body
conquered by death,
I knew him once, he was a jolly creature,
the life of party, the dream of every girl,
drank wine like Romeo kissing Juliet,
danced a happy dance which his moving-shaking
limbs professed the inner detention,
But one day, he vanished, making parties lifeless,
girls restless, and Wine heartbroken,
He was amid us but so far,
I wonder about my inaction,
why I never invited him in
when he daily came asking for his room key.
Feb 6, 2021
Feb 6, 2021 at 6:33 PM UTC
You fought like a madman,
For that last coke crumb
You scraped and scraped.
And, yes, desired the warmth
Spreading through your veins
Ah, your favorite longtime love.
You popped pills, did crank,
And drank and drank, and drank
But you washed it all down
With our tears.
Jun 2, 2015
Jun 2, 2015 at 3:04 AM UTC
My life was perfect from the very start
So perfect—life imitating art
Breezed through college effortlessly
Dream job gift-wrapped just for me
Perfect add-on to my fairy tale life
Matrimony with the perfect wife
Children followed, our perfect family
None of this would have longevity
(Chorus)
Pleading with you to forgive me
But there’s no forgiveness for the perfect
A less than perfect man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect
On my knees begging for mercy
But there is no mercy for the perfect
They say a righteous man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect
Success was nearly at my finger tips
Just couldn’t stop my lying lips
Sought better living through chemistry
Rushed headlong into calamity
Took the deep dive into ***** & pills
Steeped in debauchery to get more thrills
Disregarded all the blessings in my life
Pushed away my kids and wife
(Chorus)
Pleading with you to forgive me
But there’s no forgiveness for the perfect
A less than perfect man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect
On my knees begging for mercy
But there is no mercy for the perfect
They say a righteous man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect
I could promise you, my dear, I’d change
For you my life I’d rearrange
But I won’t waste your precious time,
Your life no longer will I begrime—
I’ll stop asking for forgiveness
For there’s no forgiveness for the perfect
I’ll just live my life the way I choose
And hope that it is worth it
I’ll stop begging you for mercy
For there is no mercy for the perfect
I’ll just live my life, await my fate
There’s no forgiveness for the perfect
Kiss the children every night for me...
No forgiveness for the perfect
© 2020 Mark Toney. All rights reserved.
May 20, 2020
May 20, 2020 at 1:08 AM UTC
“My love, you are fragile,”
I chant, rocking back and forth
On my bed, knees to my chest.
Your soul had been broken,
But don’t walk over the shards
With your bare feet.
Keep your head high, my dear,
Take it day by day, then eventually
Week by week.
You are not a wasted soul,
And don’t you ever dare claim to be weak.
Remember your roots,
Because in unforgiving mud
Do lotus roots bury deep,
Yet the flowers muster the strength
And unbelievable courage
To reach fearlessly at sunlight,
Emerge from the surface,
Just to finally
Breathe.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:33 PM UTC
All these beautiful trips,
With a suitcase filled with my sanity
On a trailer running on actual reality,
Sometimes I just wish
The people I care for from this world
Could maybe come and keep me company.
It gets lonely sometimes, but this trailer
Only has a single seat for the driver
Who is indeed, me.
People now worry,
But I can only take my foot off
The gas when I reach a place with no misery
In this very dimension we currently live in.
But how much longer will the drive
Take for my joy to no longer come to me naturally?
For now, it’s an endless trip,
Where pit stops are needed,
And sometimes they last a whole week.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:32 PM UTC
Why is it that I only feel alive,
When there is no longer a sense of time.
I guess it makes sense,
The time on your life stops when
Your heart gives out, right?
I’m very much alive, physically at least,
But sometimes I want to feel it more,
So on nights like these,
Shrooms and a glass of sangria
Is all I really need.
I don’t need help,
This is how my spirit and inner peace
Violently, yet so gracefully, intertwine.
I won’t respond to you,
As in this moment, in this world, I am no longer alive,
But trust when I say that
Several dimensions away,
I’m doing just fine.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:31 PM UTC
Oh my bittersweet Blue Dream,
How I longed for you all my life.
You opened my eyes and showed me
Just how the ocean lovingly held the sky.
Closed lids, my soul feels alive,
It’s true that you can only dream
When your spirit finds peace,
With you, there’s no need for such thing as time.
Running through this field of you,
Dilated pupils, a broadened field of view,
I’m no longer blinded,
As I stare deeper into your green eyes,
Your embrace brings me closer
To the joy that was once so hard to find.
You’re deep in my lungs,
You’re my blessing, my sweet bliss,
In my bloodstream is where I call you mine.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:29 PM UTC
I waltzed on the dance floor with Ellie,
Hands around her waist,
Her face buried in my neck.
She smelt of sweet honey,
Soft to the taste,
But such a warm and beautiful wreck.
Our love was something else,
We were the delicate fragrant roses
That grew from concrete.
When I taste her under my tongue,
The room turns quiet,
Colours brighten,
And there’s finally some peace.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:28 PM UTC
Darling, it’s about time you come home,
I told myself.
Facing the ceiling with warm hands crossed
At my stomach, my eyes glued on the wall,
Mesmerised by the shifting mandalas,
Bright colours and overwhelming joy.
The weight of ten lifetimes rose from my lifeless body
And waltzed away into the cool air.
I convinced myself that it was just for fun,
But really it replaced the warmth that has been
Stripped away from my being,
If anything, this is my healing.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:27 PM UTC
She let the tiny pieces of paper under her tongue
Bring her closer to a temporary euphoria,
But reality hits when the ego rises from the ashes
And her sweet trip is over.
Apr 1, 2020
Apr 1, 2020 at 6:21 PM UTC
I used to love the feeling it gave me
I would be up, dancing all night
And everything would be blurry
With black curtains draped over my sight
And I would laugh endlessly
Tripping over my own two feet
Admitting my love for others mindlessly
Going to sit, but missing my seat
And when I’d fall on the cold floor
With a hard thud, a scratch on my back
I’d get up to pour me more
Until my conscious would fade and the world turned black
I can’t forget the drunk flirtation
Or the way my heart beat out of my chest
Always giving into the temptation
But now I know what’s best
Because I see him
And his heart is cold
And his eyes are dim
His soul is sold
To the fuzzy feeling
He is not himself
And he needs to start healing
He will never find his own self
His words are loud and sour
His eyes are coal and soot
Because the alcohol gives him power
To stomp with his foot
And curse me all night long
Until I run away
Because I know he is too strong
And his mind is full of gray
So now I turn my back on the bottle
Out of fear that I will end up like that too
That I may now longer walk, only tottle
I want to be like me, never like you
Because to me the bottle is harmless
But to you it is your will to live
And you have turned charmless
With nothing to give
Nov 17, 2019
Nov 17, 2019 at 6:58 PM UTC
one with the rust,
trickling into the soils--
one more sip i just
gotta watch the smoke coil...
Sep 18, 2019
Sep 18, 2019 at 10:31 PM UTC
My calendar is empty, June to December,
Ingesting synthetic Alzheimer's, ‘til I can't remember,
All the days in my life, all the days in the year,
Rejecting all the advice, that I can't even hear,
I can cater to longing, I can cater to needs,
But not to my future, and not to my dreams,
I pick the poison I deserve, to get the push and the shove,
That I need to run away, from all the things that I'm sick of.
I am made of oil, my worlds made of water,
In can never connect, but as I grow hotter,
My body and mind, they bend with straits,
The currents of life, they crush me like weights,
I bubble, blend and break, I float and I sink,
I can't stop drifting apart, so all I do is drink,
Bits of me are scattered, all around me, it seems,
But I couldn't hope to get them back, I can't see through the seams,
Of the novice sewing job I've made of my connections,
The knots of my relationships sick up in every direction,
But all I do is float here, and watch them unravel,
My thoughts suddenly idle, like feet kicking gravel,
I can kick scream and cry, about my inaction,
But I can't bring myself to fight, I'm lost in abstraction,
Of the things in mind, conjured from quiet,
But I can't stomach it all on this ***** only diet,
All I hear is the fan in my window, and the fountain outside,
I feel the heat on my skin, and the wound in my pride,
The wind whistles in the treetops and the frog croaks persist,
But it doesn't matter now, nothing outside this room exists.
I can chase it with comfort, I can chase it with love,
But that won't let the hope in, the light from above,
Lost among my stupor and the hypnotic vapors,
All these things I can't help, tears seeping into paper.
All these things i've forgotten, all the times that are gone,
All the things I've put forward, all the things I've withdrawn,
I can cater to longing, to all the little things,
The words slide from my thoughts, water off a wing,
I'm dying, dissolving, rotting away,
It's dictating all my movements, I don't got any say,
This dysmetamorphosisis is unraveling me,
Every step is stagnant, I just couldn't foresee,
My tongue feels thick and my words won't stop slurring,
Everything is vivid but my vision is blurring,
My mind lags behind and my body moves slow,
I feel free at last, but deep down I know,
I'm killing myself, slowing as possible,
Nursing on poison, So I'm not responsible,
I can't think anymore, the words just won't come,
I scream and I cry, but my mind is still numb,
I can feel everything slipping, just what I needed,
What I crave to numb the wounds I've left untreated,
I can't muster the words, or the strength or the will,
To do what it takes, to finally distill,
My wants from my needs, my comforts from addictions,
To break out the haze, to break out of my fiction,
But for now, I am safe, swaddled in the embrace,
Of the things that will **** me, what I dare not erase,
I'm already here, why leave so soon,
It's alright, I can stop, I'm immune.
May 23, 2019
May 23, 2019 at 10:08 PM UTC
Finally got the money, took me all morning, I only have a few choices
Diving into the smell of death and the maggots, the sun isn’t hot enough while I’m sweating through my black tee
Middle of the night my stomach begging me, I go out to see how much shining weight it’s gonna take to carry me; Waiting at the yard my bones telling me to scream
Five am rolls around so I am deciding wether I live or die, fingers fly across the screen, anticipation causing the weak stomach. The text popping up, be ready, now to wait the three hour eternity, insides mutilating me. ‘Bing’ “I’ll be out in three.” Sandpaper skin, you better not ******* touch me
In the evening you’ll find me pleading with strangers, just give me what I need. Can’t you see I’m sitting here dieing, all they have to do is have a little sympathy
Soft caress of my purple brush, just another touch up. All you hear is the loud click of my heels, bass humming through my body. I’m over being fake and phony, just give me the money you now owe me. Packing up, so ready to leave, I can feel the hunger getting to me; I’m going 80 ready to pick up these five g’s knowing it will cure me
The pain is so bad I need this gun with me; my plan c just incase I decide to free myself of there monsters inside of me. Fever in my veins, ice in my brain, terrified to go back to where we came. Why can’t I leave this place; emotions gripping me, please let this substance ease my brain, only caring about this one simple thing. I can hear them all screaming my name as I no longer feel anything, all I can remember is the flash and the bang
May 5, 2019
May 5, 2019 at 9:51 PM UTC