#sharon
Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***
Sometimes there's a way out.
And a dreamland in the inbetween.
Seeing things you haven't seen.
But there are some boundaries.
There are little worlds behind them.
You can see them but you can't go there yet.
And creatures walking around you ignoring you.
This world is not yet yours.
Midnight at the matrix.
Trying to get ready to relax.
Finishing your last phone call.
You both broke down on the other side of the line.
Both vacuum ****** and you can't get through the end of the bowl.
Cause there's no end at all.
No end in a vacuum bowl.
Still not completely ****** in the same way.
But soon you'll be ****** together in the same old bowl.
One of you just came out of war, the other out of hell.
Not much difference, still a world of a difference.
One is still and the other always ill.
Cause being ****** in a bowl where everything is too much makes you never relax...
Being ****** in a bowl after a war is a calm in the eye of a storm.
An eye of glass....
Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***
Sometimes there's a way out.
Dec 2, 2020
Dec 2, 2020 at 8:26 AM UTC
Take my hand and we’ll jump through the pastel chalk powder.
We can be a different creature.
Both of us can go and feel at home.
Not here.
This can be an ode to my friends and my closest family.
Because you are always so dear and understanding, especially now that we're here.
Finally.
Look now all around, it feels full of options but it still makes you nauseous, yes I know.
Take my hand and let me show you why I have to go through the pastel powder.
Let me be a different creature, I feel sick when I stick around.
Both of us can feel at home now when we jump right through the ground.
A chalk pavement painting.
Let's go right into the pavement painting.
Let me take you.
Pastel, not too bright but soft and light.
Comfortable.
This painting is an ode to my dear friends and closest family.
Because you're always so dear and some things you understand so well.
Come on let me take care of those wounds and soreness with a chalk powder.
A soft chalky powder smell.
And soft colours for strange creatures.
We can be.
A different kind of creature when we go through the chalk powder on the pavement.
Take my hand, we can be, we can be...
Soft.
Comfortable.
Happy.
Smooth.
Peaceful.
Loving.
Nov 6, 2020
Nov 6, 2020 at 12:44 PM UTC
Why am I breathing in your smoke?
Coughing till I choke.
Why am I always hearing you talk?
I live here.
But it’s not living cause there’s no escaping.
Your noise, your voice.
Sometimes I force my cramped up body to crawl.
Only in music I can make this possible. Understand my tears, they are streaming from the top of my head boiling, steaming, streaming.
I wish I could make you feel the hurt in my screaming!
Why am I forced to feel your **** when you smoke?
My body turning ****** till I choke.
Hours of horror.
What day is it?
What day was this sensitive guy going to die?
I read he’ll die this Friday.
Finally all his pain, horror and torture floating away.
I will wave his ship goodbye.
But can I stay behind as my friends are keeping me around the finish line?
It’s over but we’re having another bag of crisps and maybe even another little glass of wine.
Why am I still breathing?
Forcing this body that is never leaving...
Nov 3, 2020
Nov 3, 2020 at 1:50 PM UTC
Death is a strange thing.
But when life is torturing...
Death whispers a soft lullaby.
A sweet and bitter goodbye.
An I’m so sorry to friends and family.
There’s still a place where we can be.
I’ll try to be there.
When you ever feel the horror and the torture that somehow some people must bare.
I know all about the suffocation of life and how it makes your body and mind feel too old.
Your cramping muscles too sore and your inside too cold.
No way to calm it down but I will somehow change it cause I must.
It’s something I do for me and something you have to trust.
Because there’s no other way and it won’t go away.
Even when I dance in a trance.
I need no more torture.
No more torture.
Death is a strange thing.
Death is living.
When life is torturing.
Whisper sweet lullabies as I’m crying, as you’re crying.
Please understand, I’m never leaving because I’m never leaving you forever.
And I care but it’s so dark and merciless here that it gives me a fever.
One I can only escape in a sweet lullaby.
In a sweet bitter goodbye.
Goodbye, goodnight, I love you, feel the sparkle, feel the warm embrace from behind.
I’m never gone you’ll find.
It will be another night for a moth lying on its side with its arms and legs on its side.
Wings covering its tiny body.
Exhausted and weary, feverish and a tickling cough.
Can’t keep eyes open, can never fully drift off.
Nov 1, 2020
Nov 1, 2020 at 10:47 PM UTC
Standing here in that dark room looking away.
I let you take advantage of me.
But now I even feel so much more empty.
It was something I just felt I had to do, a bucket list thing.
Don’t know what I was thinking, just a feeling.
But I learned that there’s a thin line between giving something and giving even more.
It’s confusing, I don’t even know exactly what you took.
I just feel so empty.
So now I’m standing in a dark room in my head looking back.
I thought it should be fine as long as I would keep thrack of what was yours and what was mine.
Now I know that there’s a thin line....
You aimed for the most or you just didn’t aim right.
So it landed somewhere where it hurts.
On me and now I even feel so much more empty.
It was something I just felt I had to do, a bucket list thing.
Don’t know what I was thinking, just a feeling.
It started off right, trusting letting go.
Killing off the gatekeeper.
I should just have let him take a break.
Not take him to the grim reaper.
But now I know that there’s a thin line between giving something and giving even more.
It’s confusing, I don’t even know exactly what you took.
I just feel so empty.
Oct 29, 2020
Oct 29, 2020 at 5:49 AM UTC
Broken, don’t function.
Frozen, eruption.
Stiff before explosion.
Processing in slow motion.
Stiff, waiting, breathing.
Is it living?
Breaking, dying but always finding a new way.
I am dying, I am standing up high, I can’t bend.
I am walking through the dark blue.
All that dark blue shimmering and my face and my eyes.
And my dark hair almost dry now in the wind.
Hearing my footsteps on the pavement and the bass drum in my ear.
Final chapter, making it worth sticking around for.
Final chapter, making it matter.
I can opt out at any time now.
Nothing to lose.
Oct 25, 2020
Oct 25, 2020 at 5:42 PM UTC
I fought a snake last night.
A boy came after me to do the same.
But I told him I already did it.
He seemed to not really believe that I already gone through this fight.
It was over but he made me do it again.
So I threw the boy to the snake and ran.
Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave.
Be free.
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.
I don’t know why this keeps on happening.
It’s like I’m forced to fight every time before being able to let go.
Can’ t just shake it off cause there’s always something, somebody left to fight with or fight for.
And afterwards being afraid of what will be my sentencing.
It’s unacceptable, you did something horrible.
Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave
**** it off and then you can run free!
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.
Life = death &
Death = life.
When you let go you will know.
You will know when you let go.
Oct 23, 2020
Oct 23, 2020 at 8:57 AM UTC
I don’t like the days and I don’t like the nights.
I only like parts.
I want to enter the part where I enter dreamland.
Forever.
Even while awake later.
Just outside flying with the wind.
No distraction.
Being what I want to be.
For once and for all.
I want peace and dreams.
In the dark and sometimes in the light too.
But not too light, I became allergic to light.
Cause this life has left me burning and not able to face the brightness of another difficult day.
And the sounds are so horrific that they take my soul to leave it lost in space.
And my body cannot move.
It’s lying there still.
Oct 23, 2020
Oct 23, 2020 at 8:56 AM UTC
Why would you stay in this comfort when it’s bringing you discomfort?
The tree lets the wind take its leaves.
Oct 23, 2020
Oct 23, 2020 at 8:53 AM UTC
Today is heavy, my soul carrying my body.
Yesterday we were walking chased by a black dog.
Everywhere he followed me and my body.
But when we tried to approach him, he ran as fast as a fox can.
We let him play this game for a while under a bright full moon in the sky.
Walking to the bridge, sitting under trees.
Staring at the sky, seeing the dog come and go.
Until we got fed up and left to let him sort it out.
He never came back anymore.
Today we had a meltdown, too much to carry to carry on.
So we let it flow and accepted that you can’t fully explain this world and people are suffering.
We’ve been lost all throughout this life and only gathered pieces to guide us through a journey that taught us that everything has a story.
And we gathered those with us as well.
So many, still so lost.
But nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
It all just is what it is at that moment or that lifetime.
This soul carrying this body today...
It’s always longing to see and be beyond this one.
Oct 4, 2020
Oct 4, 2020 at 10:21 AM UTC
Restless.
The unknown and the very familiar knocking on your door.
Everyday.
Forcing you to have them make their way through.
You.
Breathing in and out, you try to be one with everything around you.
Wind.
Thinking the rain would be refreshing but today you can’t smell a thing.
Walking.
So restless and no control so having to surrender and give in.
To everything.
To everything, sometimes it gets so old to be dealing with the same things.
And not knowing if they will be what you hoped they would be.
So nice to just be able to be in the moment.
So nice to be able to share it.
So nice to have it all for yourself and not care whoever else is there.
Sing.
Breathing, or just making noises that you’re feeling like making.
Moving.
Not fighting your body in moving and movements in moments.
Cuddling.
Under a sheet and really loving somebody, their body.
Noticing.
And smiling and strechting, take a little breather.
Waking.
You know you’ve been through the night and there’s a new beginning.
Always hard and not very interesting and somebody will be taking your place.
Whether you’re rushing, stressing or forced to be resting.
Always starting over and over but oh, sometimes these moments...
They feel, taste, smell and look just so amazing.
And so you’re jumping and floating into the unknown or the very familiar.
And you’re opening the door.
Oh please, just open up that door.
I’m knocking...
I know you hear me.
Oct 3, 2020
Oct 3, 2020 at 10:55 AM UTC
I have died so many times.
I saw the light, I know it.
But I can't deny the dark.
Dying and darkness is needed to burst and make the light come through.
So I know the dark and I know the light but I haven't died enough times.
Not enough to be free.
Can a person ever know all the light and all the dark and still be white like the light?
In all this darkness I know I learned to love it.
And I think there's nothing wrong with it as long as it is right.
Like a darkness full of stars that means no harm.
Like a peaceful room to rest in and close your eyes.
I have died so many times.
So I know how to die but I don't like to die in the light.
Sep 30, 2020
Sep 30, 2020 at 5:40 AM UTC
Broken soul over and over.
Still expected to be fighting.
No peace at all or sleeping.
It hurts to be a magical demon.
Unable to escape the noises again so a headache and the magic is gone.
Unable to sleep from the discomfort and sounds, bed on its side.
Stuck in pain, stuck in feelings, stuck in thoughts.
Magical magical demon doing the most.
To fight off the ghost.
But nothing matters when everything is wrong so the ghost and ocd can all come triggering me.
Whatever, eat me, break my soul all over again.
Even though I tried to maintain myself in this plan.
Apparently nothing works so let me be a magical demon.
I stare at the moon, standing on a bridge singing.
Somebody tells me not to keep on looking.
Too late, I was already hawling, my eyes were already hurting, head was already burning...
Sometimes when I look back it’s all so magical.
That’s why I’m a magical demon called Syonide because I tried and I tried and I tried.
I just see everything falling and I only hear a young woman screaming.
A young woman who I was never able to save from everything happening.
So it had to be happening cause nothing is fair.
You are such a strong young woman but there’s nothing you and I can do.
Nothing to protect you or me from horror, terror and not being able to live but always be trying, trying, trying, crying, dying but not really, but trying, trying, trusting, caring, breaking, shaking, crying, flickering...
Magical demon taking Syonide.
Trying.
Sep 1, 2020
Sep 1, 2020 at 4:38 AM UTC
I'm in love with a person who has severe social anxiety.
He does not come out of his cave unless he's got something amazing to show me.
And I am always on the run from where I live and all the noises, all the discomfort.
I'm not afraid to die, I hate my life.
I wish to be somebody, somebody that can reach you or just anybody.
But not me or my sister because she's fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if I have to live I need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and just not really worth it anymore.
But what can I do?
What can you do?
How can I love you?
What can I do for you?
What can we do.
How, what but....
Help, I just exploded and so I woke you when you were half asleep.
You said you didn't mind and so now we had another time to find how we relate.
We relate, relate too much.
I wish it was just me dying and miserably lonely.
But the monster had to bite you now too and it even figures that it has some real and pretty very serious kind of catching up to do.
On you, my sister and so now you're fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if you have to live you need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and you wonder if it really is even worth it anymore.
But now what can you do?
What can I even do?
You know I love you.
What can it do for you?
What can we do?
How, what, but...
I love you.
I'm in love but I can never love you like I wish to.
I love you but I can never be there for you.
But, what, how...
I really really really really loooove, love, love, love, will always love, will always be connected to....
Will always be in love and will always really love, love, love, yes I really always looooove you!!!
Aug 15, 2020
Aug 15, 2020 at 12:57 PM UTC
Falling asleep finally.
After 3.
Dreaming about a woman with dark brown wavy hair.
A heavy stare.
And colours of fiery orange, red and yellow.
My name appears in white with a bow and arrow.
My first name and middle and they're a being split and seperated.
Looks like they're written like a word in a dictionary, a new word being created.
Sharon Yvon- Syon.
Does it mean anything, are things coming together again with a name?
With a bow and an arrow in a flame.
Aug 15, 2020
Aug 15, 2020 at 12:54 PM UTC
Last night I went to a closed down circus in the city.
A sad clown came up to me.
He kissed me till I had his red lips.
A kiss from a clown is so bold and bright red.
After that you cannot possibly look sad.
So I will go back another night to see if he would be there again.
In my dream later he tells me that this was something between me and him.
Next time bring your tutu dress and I will wear my best suit.
We'll be dancing all night and I'll promise to make your lips bright red.
As I write it all down after last night I hear the neighbours wake up too.
I paint my eyes like his eyes, at least I try to.
But I can't seem to get it right.
So what will I do about tonight?
I shed a little tear, I feel so helpless.
But then I notice it looks good now and I put on the tutu dress.
I take a bus to the city and stare somewhere.
The sad clown must be already waiting there.
At the empty circus.
To give me a clowny kiss.
Only his.
I call for him as I pass the entrance.
Sad clown, sad clown, I'm here for romance.
And so we dance.
Like it's the last night.
It will be the last night...
Red lips, red stains, red, all red, red red, pain.
Don't leave me bleeding, but he goes running as I am dying.
Aug 13, 2020
Aug 13, 2020 at 4:32 AM UTC
Being forced to ''run away'' because of not having a place to stay almost felt comfortable.
When you can't be comfortable anywhere.
Not with all the many painful things hitting.
Over and over day and night, so many feelings and complicated thinking...
In the end it will all fall into place, I know but it's so hard to function with all these things in the way!
Being forced to run away because of not having a place to stay.
Nothing to lose, all that matters is love and music.
Maybe some day I'll land somewhere and be able to love that.
Love being there, being there with someone and loving with all my being.
But if I can't be living, let me do something that is worth something to the ones I love.
I love how we got through life so far, we have come so far.
I love who you have become, who you've been and just who you are.
But when I look at stupid me, the naive person I had to be I can't help but hate her for all she didn't know.
But I understand why she was like that, I just never knew why it had to be.
Why was my journey so rough?
Why is yours rough too?
Journeys, worries, pain cause it's blurry and you don't know how to get through the smoke.
Am I the devil's toy or joke?
Does the universe hate me?
Can the universe not take me?
Am I feeling to it like I'm feeling right now, how I've been feeling all my life?
The fighting was good and all, very insightfull.
Let me go.
Being forced to run.
Being forced to run away.
Run if you can!
Be happy when you can.
Cause some can't run.
Some are forced to stay.
And what is worse?
Being forced to stay or being forced to run away?
Aug 12, 2020
Aug 12, 2020 at 7:53 AM UTC
?A question mark tattooed on my forehead.
Still so many questions.
Why is it so difficult to live but even so much harder to die???
And you’ll remain a dream to me.
But I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it.?
Aug 12, 2020
Aug 12, 2020 at 7:50 AM UTC
Let's find some meaning.
Exhaustion made me shallow.
All I seek for is some true connection.
Is that what you are?
Or is all you've ever been just another ace.
To keep me fighting.
Another ace in front of my face.
No longer will I cover up this truth reaching for anything.
Let's find some meaning.
I know it was me, I became so tired while feeling like it would never be right.
I gave it all and lost my own true feeling.
Maybe it was all too much to bare so I stopped to care.
And now I only want to care, I want it to matter.
If I have to live and I have to surrender.
Let it at least have meaning.
Not be nothing!
Let's find some meaning.
A deeper connection.
Not some stupid useless other kind of conversation.
Is that what you are?
Is all you've ever been just another ace.
To keep me fighting.
Another ace in front of my face.
No! No longer will I cover up this truth reaching for anything.
Let's find some meaning.
I know it can feel so lonely if you've been fighting a battle no one has seen.
People talking like they have never been at any of all the places you have been.
They may not be your deep connection or your soulmate family.
I only want to care, I want it to matter.
If I have to live and I have to surrender.
Let it at least have meaning.
Not be nothing!
Let's find some meaning.
Let's find some healing.
Let me feel it even though I'm exhausted.
Is that how you are?
I have to be here so let my time not be wasted.
Let's not keep on hiding.
And not be aces in front of each other's faces.
No longer covering up this truth reaching for just anything.
Let's find some meaning.
Aug 2, 2020
Aug 2, 2020 at 3:59 PM UTC
Broken people are better when they're in battle.
Most of the time they can't live outside of it anymore.
They're too broken to be comfortable when there's no battle left to fight outside from their own battle with life.
They used methodes to survive too often to even start to just be able to live.
And even if they could, their bodies are no longer programmed to just be content while not having to prepare for the next hit.
Let broken people battle for what they love instead of what is hitting them too hard.
And let them feel the reason why they survived the battles before
Jul 30, 2020
Jul 30, 2020 at 3:19 PM UTC
Being understanding kind and nice does not always pay.
Telling yourself over and and over: They must be having a hard day.
Life is unkind and people don't mind.
Usually most people really don't mind unless it's about what they can do.
Life is so unkind and people most of the time are too.
And it makes no sense what they say to me about how they care when a duck dies.
But when a young person becomes homeless nobody cries.
Yet they tell me they think every life is so precious but some people are always fighting.
Trying to do the right thing.
But it doesn't pay.
It's just another hard and terrible day.
Where you have no control and love is impossible to find.
Life is unkind and people don't really mind.
When you've seen it you will find and you can feel it when you see it.
When you've known it and how it can hit.
So then maybe you can understand.
But then it kills you when you give someone a hand.
Because you know in the end you'll have to let go.
You can't, you can't save everybody.
Some people are born to always feel lonely.
Being understanding kind and nice does not always pay.
Telling yourself over and and over: They must be having a hard day.
Life is unkind and people don't mind.
Trying to be understanding and kind.
But nobody seems to understand it is what you'll find.
Loving, understanding, caring, always daring to fight so hard.
For the people you care for, don't fall apart and together try some more.
Holy sea of waves that we're running into.
Holy sea, uncontrollable, terribly hard, incredibly magical, fresh, pretty salty and blue!
It doesn't always pay.
But play.
Play in the water, hold each other.
In the water.
Play in the waves...
Jul 4, 2020
Jul 4, 2020 at 4:19 AM UTC
Dear daughter,
Don’t you feel right now how every little thing is just enough or a little too much?
Wishing for something better, wanting something nice...
Melancholic from the past.
You and him on the beach.
It’s in your system.
But now you’re just walking away.
Back to where it all started but you haven’t just started.
You’ve seen and felt it all.
It’s time to finish the circle and be grateful for the past.
And the pain can still be there.
You are ready to face it.
It’s ok.
It’s just sliding off your tired body that feels heavy on your soul.
It’s ok cause you’re going back to where you belong.
Finally you’re ready.
Back where you belong.
It’s ok.
The journey’s over.
Jun 22, 2020
Jun 22, 2020 at 9:57 AM UTC
The differences only hurt when you can’t read me.
So you keep asking me to read you pages...
It takes forever this way.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And it feels like I did read your book somewhere...
But not completely.
I think I missed a lot of details.
Maybe I shall go back and read some more.
Although it gets so hard to focus.
I’m so extremely tired.
I think I see those lines in your eyes and I hear them in your voice.
Hopefully your eyes won’t turn into mine.
Jun 18, 2020
Jun 18, 2020 at 3:46 PM UTC
I can’t live but I have to.
There’s just no other way.
As long as you’re fighting so hard and needing me.
As long as my place to live is open for view.
Although there’s no way that I can live.
It’s cruel but I’m not allowed to say it.
Only to the ones that know and feel it everyday.
Like me cause it’s too much.
Like a slave to life.
Cause whatever I do I’ll end up in hell.
Whatever I try, whatever we try.
It’s a nightmare and even worse.
It’s hell and even worse.
You are the ghost and I’m the zombie.
And our parents are slaves behind the massive broken machines.
Working to keep them running.
Just to stay alive.
Cause there’s just no other way.
As long as you’re fighting so hard and needing me.
As long as our place is open for view.
Although there is no way of living in there.
Jun 15, 2020
Jun 15, 2020 at 12:54 PM UTC
Don't we all have our own little black books in here in which we attempt to write the pain away?
When I saw the new girl sitting in the garden all exhausted with hers in front of her, I ran upstairs.
I have no energy to meet another who writes her pain and plan down in a little black book.
No, I'll leave you alone.
Alone with your black book.
And I'll be in here writing too.
Upstairs or in the basement where I found out where they keep the clean white coats.
Nobody will see the stories.
Nobody can explain the journey.
I just hope you'll get some mercy.
Cause I've never seen any mercy.
Even while dreaming.
But the dreams do keep me going.
I have to still keep going.
Don't we all have to still keep going?
Don't we all need a little black book?
Do you also feel frozen and stuck deep inside your body?
Constantly?
Doesn't it get too heavy?
Like for me every day.
I won't ask you today.
I don't want to know the answer.
I have no breath left to respond.
And maybe you don't either really.
So I run upstairs.
And close the curtains to the garden and lay my head down on the chair.
The chair I wish I had when my bag of helium filled itself with oxygen when I wasn't sitting up straight enough so I didn't die.
And now in here I can't get helium.
And I wasn't approved for euthanasia either.
I lost my place to live because of trying, three times because of the situation.
Homeless.
Can you see what's wrong with this system?
Fighting for euthanasia, having dates planned already.
But the doctor to do the final check did not approve.
The second one didn't either.
But then one did after trying a few more treatments but they thought he was too willing.
Then the next one didn't either and so the case was closed.
The Netherlands, euthanasia, it's not working at all.
May 26, 2020
May 26, 2020 at 3:14 AM UTC