#selfloving
I tried to heal more consciously this time.
With the well-intentioned thoughts
Of healing myself,
I distracted myself from myself.
This time,
I wanted to feel all my feelings;
I wanted to show up fully.
It wasn’t that I was ignoring the bad stuff;
I dove into it, willingly,
With the intention of
Being all there.
I wanted to be there for myself, but
I ended up cluttering myself with
Everything I wasn’t letting go.
I was letting myself be
In the suffering
With so much intention for
Self-compassion this time,
With so much “loving” focus on
The loss I felt.
I held on to every painful expression.
I held on to so much sadness,
A lot of anger—
Much more than I had planned for, but
Somehow, still
Everything I had planned for.
Things couldn’t flow through me;
They got trapped in me.
I dwelled on grieving with love;
I dwelled in grief.
I relinquished my playfulness.
Exercise was too burdensome, a task.
I felt awkward with friends.
I felt smothered by everything.
My energy was already devoted:
Not enough for what I wanted, for
What I used to love;
No energy to be at peace inside.
Life had to reset.
It feels that way right now.
All of a sudden I know what hope really is.
It’s like this: I remember.
I remembered that I needed to
Finish a chapter
To be free to enjoy the next.
I remembered what it felt like to
Play.
I remembered that I need to get
So weak,
So desperate for a better way,
To surrender and ask for help.
Help comes in like a generous wave,
Altering our sight, so
We suddenly see with clarity
What we’ve been needing all along.
Sometimes we need a wave,
So big, so unmistakably for us,
So that it can’t be ignored.
We need to ask for help:
Seeking new ways;
Whispering a prayer;
Walking with a friend;
We do what we can.
Answers will always be
What we’re given.
I finally asked.
I finally heard an answer.
It was too big to describe in words,
Too all-encompassing to
Condense into a single action.
I think I know why my head has felt
So caged,
My body so tired,
My system so numb from the shocks.
I wanted to be so open to this pain, but
I closed my heart off.
The things I was unintentionally blocking
Were trying to get in.
I was so
Busy,
Busy,
Busy holding on to
Every
Single
Sliver of suffering.
No wonder I couldn’t hear the answer:
Open.
Open.
Open.
. . .
Tell me:
Aug 3, 2020
Aug 3, 2020 at 5:10 PM UTC
I want to free my
Mind
From caring about the outside
So much.
I want to break it from it's
Cage.
Maybe then I'll find my way out of
The storm
I've been in for more than a decade now. Maybe I'll find
The eye
Of the storm, I'll float towards the sun where
I'll bask
In the sunlight, and I'll be
Renewed
into a self-loving
Gem.
Mar 29, 2018
Mar 29, 2018 at 6:14 AM UTC
with the right touch of shyness
and kindness
that rushes through my brain
as well as your brain
we found each other
nothing seems to be impossible
every night
before i go to sleep
i ask myself
why the hesitation
what paused me to be loved?
that kind of synchronicity
if it exists
between two hearts
why "what-ifs" and tons of question marks?
if there's anything left
it's an uncanny complicity
of ecstasy
in my bloodstream
cause i have two palpitating hearts
cause i took yours in me.
Nov 6, 2014
Nov 6, 2014 at 3:07 PM UTC
you are of broken pieces,
scattered all over.
you are of cuts and scars,
blood stained-blade is your friend.
you are of a mess,
hair all over your face, makeup ruined.
you are of darkness,
wishing to be one with the moon and stars.
you are of silence,
like a doll, oh so mute.
you are of strength,
holding yours tears in so others don't worry.
you are of loneliness,
confining all your deepest darkest secret within.
but you are you,
the guy or guy who held on,
despite all the harm you inflict yourself,
you're still here.
*and you should love yourself,
you are perfect just the way you are.*
May 13, 2014
May 13, 2014 at 6:58 AM UTC