#selfblame
Before everything
i. I never knew four letters could melt
menthol candy-like, hydrochloric acid on my tongue
and keep burning it in different degrees
I had to swallow back.
ii. That there would come a time
I'd have to baptize the pain in my chest like seasons
robbing me lungfuls
on January, September and December nights.
iii. That my blood was really ink I needed to stop using
before my skin turned paper-like.
iv. That my heart had an epicenter pumping a magnitude of earthquakes
that made me tremble helplessly in its intensity;
and that they were man-made calamities
followed by harsh, heavy, whipping tsunamis
to flood my grave of bleeding, jagged fault lines.
v. That aftereffects lasted longer than treatment itself,
and that I didn't need any professional diagnosis to know
I was terminal
from the same drug that made butterfly-strokes in my veins,
whose arms withheld the only elixir to this malady.
vi. I named my sickness, my pain, my agony like orphaned children, after you--
a rare disease
the doctors didn't even know about yet.
vii. I did and I doubted
but a part of me beat signals
that echoed off the cave walls of my skull
that I knew.
viii. Before everything,
I have been warned
but I chose to listen to the soothing, wrong, hopeful voices
"He means no harm,".
ix. You began spreading like an epidemic-- a tumor to a colony of cells all over me-- until I became you;
a reflection of familiar suffering and mortality, slowly withering away.
In the end, I didn't even have you to blame
for letting me overdose from intakes
of my own **** bitter medicine and unforgivable mistakes.
x. I guess, this was how you wanted the price to be paid.
Feb 18, 2017
Feb 18, 2017 at 6:24 AM UTC
You've hurt me so
Yet i love you still
Though the times continue
My memory turned bias
Waves of shock
As my heart had shattered
Piece by piece
Still lingers in my chest
As the whispers of the future you told
Seeps through the cracks of my mind
Corroding it with false hope and self blame
Tell me I can piece back my faults
With bandages of regret
So you may help me
To sew together my poor destroyed heart
Once again...
Oct 20, 2015
Oct 20, 2015 at 5:19 PM UTC
What have I done?
It's just my emotions,
Don't take it personally.
What have I done?
I've just been a sad girl lately,
Things have been hard.
What have I done?
I thought I was handling things well.
Turns out,
I haven't.
Everything was just hidden below the surface.
What have I done?
I crumbled,
You blamed yourself.
What have I done?
I guess,
I'm a loaded gun.
l.v.s
May 29, 2016
May 29, 2016 at 5:04 AM UTC
Im scared of
Losing someone
Yet
Im the cause
why I
Lost them
I did that
Jan 10, 2021
Jan 10, 2021 at 9:17 PM UTC
Your words bounce around my skull in the silence of night.
Headphones, music, full volume just to try to drown them out.
Even when it's so loud that my brain pulses to the rhythm of the bass, your words linger; plague.
Platitudes and half excuses for the things you didn't do.
Always trying to shift the blame that you placed on you.
I have no need to place blame, I forgave your failings, like any who loves another would do.
I listened to the words that poured from your mouth, as you spewed hatred for the love of my life.
For years I spoke kindly and made allowances for trauma that triggered my own, yet you could never see that I was right there; standing in your corner.
Years and still you haven't learned; Self-blame can't be shifted and doesn't go away...
Until you figure out why you hate yourself and see that loving is the better way.
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 12:11 PM UTC
and when we are alone with our thoughts
we are nothing more than our mistakes
Sep 19, 2018
Sep 19, 2018 at 9:29 AM UTC
My mind is empty ,my heart is void
I feel like i am becoming paranoid
because all my life seems to be destroyed
I cant find a way nor any reason to stay
I cant help but lose myself in decay
because living life itself seems to be a play
All my desires have burnt in ash and flame
and i have no one but myself to blame
because i've lost everything i used to have and claim
Im living with a curse they call despair
And the pain is enough for me to rip and tear
because every passing day its getting hard to bear
I realize now that I had been drowning
as everything blurs in my surrounding
I think i'd been screaming I think i'd been shouting
I live my final days being trapped inside a cage
with the anger still inside and a heart full of rage
and i still am burning with the fire of hate
________ Tsuki no ume~
Dec 19, 2025
Dec 19, 2025 at 1:40 PM UTC
Whips of wind
lashed 'cross my face
As i puffed heater haze.
I coulnd't help but
gaze
through the gnarled limbs
at the green that cows
graze.
pondering
our bitter, yet sweeter
days.
The mighty, whistling wind
huffs away the sin. Wisps away
all trace.
"Remember those times"
the drugged air sung to me.
"When un-honeyed honesty between you and your Queen was no crime?"
It's more than true that i do!
I miss my boo, and the way she clung to me..
As i hummed her a sweet, unique melody.
Even so, it was i who unstuck the glue between us,
unscrewed the bolts of our coffin.
It was me who dug up our scrawny skeletons for brawny hellathens to see.
and.. i'll be the bearer of blame for Mary Jane Pain being her name.
Maybe i'm the reason why in the change of season you began wheezin' and coughin' often.
Mary Jane..
maybe im the reason why you you ceased to exist on our plane.
Lord knows i'm sorry.
I can't properly explain the reasons for my treason.
Just know, to survive the seasons,
i had to weaken your defense..
Grow lemons from your leaves.
Mary jane..
your roses may be dead, but they give me life. Your thorns
sharp and round like horns,
make me bleed.
But proud i am, to embrace the loud scorn in their wake.
Nov 22, 2025
Nov 22, 2025 at 1:30 AM UTC