#self-loathing
At your place
You suspend my coat and my ethics
By then i'm entering my stealth
Working on selflessness
Because you may hound
Because you may roam
You may find these unskippable moods all alone
You may find that i'm not a bird lifting trees and stones
Jan 4, 2017
Jan 4, 2017 at 7:50 PM UTC
It's cold tonight,
And I should be too.
It's cold tonight,
And ***** this and ***** you.
It's cold tonight,
And why should I care?
It's cold tonight
And I'm shivering
And I'm shaking
And I just can't breathe god **** it.
It's cold tonight
And I just want to be alone and freeze,
Because the only person I want to be warm around
Is four hundred god **** miles away.
And when your words distance themselves
From your heart
It hurts to not be reassured
When all you wanna hear is that they'll stay,
That it's gonna be a-o-fuckin'-kay.
But you don't even know.
It's cold tonight,
And so am I.
It's cold tonight,
And cut me open,
I won't bleed, I swear,
I'll shatter.
It's cold tonight,
And I'm angry for no reason,
Throwing a god **** tantrum,
Because my heart hurts and
You're distant.
And I know I'm immature
I know I have no reason to be upset,
But I am and I can't pinpoint why and
**** it.
Whatever,
Forget it.
I can't even make sense
To myself.
It's cold tonight,
And so am I.
Nov 2, 2016
Nov 2, 2016 at 9:29 PM UTC
Can't say I'm not disappointed, in how we got off track
I'm not double jointed, bending my fingers back
The needles and the pills, are our choice of escape
getting our joy and fill, creating pans to scrape
No not us, forever young never to succumb
institutional logic, remaining dumb, and numb
Just because they said it, doesn't mean that we heard
all the uttered warnings, and the damage now incurred
This is your brain on drugs, we've all been told before
dismissive with our shrugs, not taking less, but more
Oct 13, 2016
Oct 13, 2016 at 9:54 AM UTC
All whispers, light and evil,
Derogatory, slaying the soul.
This is daylight -
This is night, the stars join in,
badgering the shying moon;
I wish I was the burning Sun
crying my bleach over fields and trees.
I can't surrender just yet -
But my weakness bleeds
through gulping swallows and choked up laughs
falling on petals, sliding away with the breeze.
I have no light or tunnel to spot it through;
And wouldn't know how to anyway.
Oct 10, 2016
Oct 10, 2016 at 6:07 PM UTC
Silly boy, you weren't ready for this.
You hadn't studied for it.
Love is joy, you never felt it like that.
Now it's your weapon.
How is this for you?
Does it help?
Will this pain bring you to work harder?
ть в порядке?
Angels watch your misguided adventure.
They're laughing at you.
God whispers into your ear.
Or is he the devil?
People avoid your crooked walk.
Loved ones, already cursed with your touch.
She got away, and is still cursed.
You divide .
How long will the wind guide you.
Devoid of free will.
**** them all.
Curse them with your touch.
Forever within your heart.
Poison your mind with doubt.
Silly boy, you gave up choice already.
Now you're on a road to ******
Angels lower their heads in disappointment.
Devils look away.
Just another obsession.
I'm about to turn to dust.
Jun 21, 2016
Jun 21, 2016 at 3:13 AM UTC
I see you hurting and I want to help but I can't because I'm a piece of ****
I love you so I should be able to do something, anything, but I can't.
You say it's because I'm so far away, but I know that it's because I'm a piece of ****
Exhausted, you went to bed. I stared at the screen where you were
Where you were is still beautiful, more beautiful than anything I ever see for real.
Eventually I start googling myself, checking every name I've ever lied. I mean lived.
There's nothing there, not on google or bing or duckduckgo.
I'm not even enough of anything to anyone anywhere to be on duckduckgo?
How ******* pathetic is that?
I should be helping you but all I ever do is make you more stressed, more anxious, more upset.
You say I don't, that I give you strength, that I'm important to you.
But I know. I'm a piece of ****
Maybe you'd be happier without me. Maybe you'd be better off.
You tell me I'm being silly when I say **** like that.
Maybe you're just being kind.
What do I give you, what do I do for you?
I write you a love letter every night for you to read every morning.
I tell you I love you a hundred times a day.
I tell you you're beautiful every time I see you because every time I see you, you are beautiful.
I don't understand why you don't believe me.
Except that I'm nothing. So maybe I'll end it all and set you free. Crushed painkillers and good scotch.
Maybe some tranquilizers so my mind can be tranquil for once.
But I can't even do that, the nothing that I am; I don't have the courage or cowardice or whatever it takes to end myself.
Because what if I'm wrong? What if there is something that you see that I can't?
Besides, I can't leave you. I love you. I'm sorry.
I crawl into bed and feel the tears soak into my pillow.
I try to come up with a way to explain everything wrong with me so that you'll realize why I have to go.
I imagine your answers, I imagine your face as we talk.
I just want to stop hurting, to stop missing you when I have no right to miss you so much.
You're so beautiful. How can you not know?
Now, I'm thinking about kissing you.
And tomorrow doesn't seem so bad.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe I'll see in me what you tell me is there.
And maybe you'll let yourself be beautiful to me.
And we'll have a chance.
Maybe.
May 20, 2016
May 20, 2016 at 1:55 AM UTC
Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain
I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle
I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy
Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today
Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed
For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain
May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 at 3:36 AM UTC
One love,
Two hearts,
This much I thought was true.
Three words,
Four affairs,
Five lies- the most hurtful being,
"I love you."
Apr 23, 2016
Apr 23, 2016 at 6:19 PM UTC
1.
assert yourself as someone strong, someone capable
make it seem like nothing hurts you
it doesn't matter if you slip up sometimes - you're only human
but it has to be rare.
if you feel like crying, convert it to anger
let the rage overwhelm you to the point where you're blind with it
let it become so overpowering that it blinds everybody else too
the blind won't see your sadness; the blind will
avert their eyes
in fear
2.
you don't feel things like other people do
your emotions are never strong, unless you're feeling angry
or depressed
but you keep those quiet, only ever spoken softly
to close friends,
these secrets hidden like taboos.
you don't care, you don't love
don't let them convince you otherwise
show them how much apathy you have inside you by letting go of hate and love altogether-
when they cut you open, let them find nothing but bland organs;
your only colour is red because you do bleed
you're still only human
but you don't bleed your soul like ink onto journal pages
that would mean you feel something - and you don't
3.
never smile in photos, never smile in your selfies
let them see you're "fine" even if your eyes are shaded with Midnight's charcoal pencils
and lined red with Two AM's pencil crayons;
the coffee in your hand isn't a sign of exhaustion - you're just bitter
no milk, no sugar
this helps you succeed with steps 1 and 2 as well
you're strong enough to stomach the caustic nature of black coffee,
you can't feel it burn your throat on the way down
and you don't flinch nor grimace when it lingers on your tongue.
you've already bitten back enough of the harsh thoughts that try to slip out like saliva,
impossible to miss, impossible to avoid;
your tongue is numb to the taste of salts and sours,
of words so violent
they land blows significant enough to sign death sentences
4.
let them know that you
are a bomb
ticking, teetering, trembling with the temptation to trigger terror
your hands stay curled into fists that you'll rarely throw, always ready
always willing to go
no one will ever say another bad thing about you, and if they do
it won't be to your face
no one you know is brave enough to look Death straight in the eye and taunt him
by now your defenses are so thick and sturdy that they'll call them bomb shells
covering what's burning away inside you, unforgiving, toxic
but it's your cool, collected carvings of ****** expressions
that'll leave them with the most shell-shock.
and they'll never find out that the only trigger in you
is a self-destruct button
because you've always hurt yourself more than you've ever hurt others.
you keep it that way, and they'll never know how much
you
actually
do
care.
Apr 13, 2016
Apr 13, 2016 at 7:34 PM UTC
i write about you
but you do not exist
or maybe you do;
maybe you do and i'm just talking to myself
maybe you're just another part of me that i hate so much
i have to talk to you,
i have to
punish you
because i know i shouldn't like the way it feels-
and i don't; but i keep coming back for more anyway
i amend: i know i shouldn't be addicted to this hatred
you tear me open and pull at my frayed edges
so that i split apart and lose my functionality - and i let you
then i let you thread me back together once more
you build my body with thicker wool each time, hoping that
one day
i'll be warmer, and harder to unravel
and you sew my edges with fragile promises of a better future
as breakable as the metal pin that bends between your crafty fingers
the materials started off so colourful at first, like rainbows
maybe that's why i'm so queer
though over time you started toning down my personality.
as my depression embroidered me, my sexuality dulled
purple and black and white and grey
you manipulate my patterns.
some nights i sleep through, others i don't sleep at all
and some nights my strings are stretched so taut across the nightmares
that one small pull will undo me
i am ripped apart then made into patchwork;
there are white seams over my arms
you call me a work in progress, damaged goods
to be fixed, to be mended:
you can't afford replacements
that doesn't stop you from looking
wishing you could upgrade me into something more,
something better
and every time i fall apart again
i'm left itching with apologies
but never to you; i never say sorry for hurting you
my only regrets are to those who become collateral damage.
i do not apologise to you
because you are me, and i am you
you are a part of me
and i hate you as much as i hate myself.
Apr 12, 2016
Apr 12, 2016 at 3:39 PM UTC
Black
The light at the end of the tunnel.
The pursuit of sweet nothingness.
Is the oblivion that I reach toward a cure for my disease,
Or the start of something worse?
Black
So misunderstood it greets me as a friend.
We two are the same and for once I belong.
But is this a false sense of comfort,
to lure me into its grasp?
Black
Always taunting and just out of reach.
Is it brave to become black,
Or braver to ignore its pleas?
Tired of fighting its temptation,
My soul seeks out its embrace.
Black
Apr 7, 2016
Apr 7, 2016 at 12:08 PM UTC
You should have only had one chance
And you failed You got another
One other chance to be a better brother
He tries to look up to You
Says he loves You with those eyes
Too bad You're too **** busy looking at Your girls thighs
Begs for You to listen
They call tell You to come over
Can't! You're too busy ******* Your lover
Respect Your elders You never listen
Since after You *** You're too busy pissin'
No one thought You were enough!
You had to go and get busy working
Yet Your ignorance is clouded by the darkness that is lurking
Gotta run to this place and You gotta run to that
You say, "Nope sorry, see you later, can't chat!"
You are a ******* fool
You are a liar, a thief
You are watching him fail and You don't care!
No one needs You, no one wants You
No one cares about You for who You are
No one wants You for who You are
Because the world doesn't want You
The world would be better off without You
I hope You die because then I wouldn't be able to hate You so much.
Feb 22, 2016
Feb 22, 2016 at 11:44 PM UTC
I'm a summer day
Sweltering on the edge of May
Oh, I wish I didn't throw my fists
In spite
Of all your songs
They flow so effortlessly through
Something like a laundromat at midnight
Have you ever heard a humdrum sound so
Pure?
Like the waves or the wind or the trees
I've never heard you sing so true
And you've never even heard me sing a tune
Jan 25, 2016
Jan 25, 2016 at 12:42 AM UTC
I'm 60 lb. overweight making me a fat *****
I'm ugly as hell
I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer
I **** at pretty much everything
So alone
So weak
So cowardice
I can't stand to God anymore because I can't stand what I've done
I have no business being happy or seeing any light in anything
Jan 3, 2016
Jan 3, 2016 at 8:19 PM UTC
Guns or knives; barrel or edge,
Choose which way to end
In times of war where conflict stands
The tongue is the hammer to–
Feelings, propellant to bullet words
The eyes are hands that throw–
Tears, daggers to the heart that's stone
As the cloud of smoke fades with the wind
And crimson river streets are all but dried and stains
Remember destruction is brought upon
By thine own hands
Jan 1, 2016
Jan 1, 2016 at 4:36 PM UTC
There’s this girl on first shift and she’s ******* magic and won’t be mine because I’m trouble and I break **** and she’s fragile and lovely.
She tells me she’s unstable and damaged and I could cry every night if I wasn’t so convinced I can get over this.
I half *** so much but I obey my emotions.
When she gave me her number I sang, “what if?”
When she asked if I was in an open relationship I thought, “I wish.”
When I was single, she came over and I whispered, “I just want this.”
However, I try to play it cool and send love subtly, but I’m a ******* and a *** and a loser and I can’t drown my sorrows in anything so they keep me up at night.
She came into my life like a hurricane and I was swept off my feet, but I made the conscious decision to be loving to her. I cut a hole out exactly her size and she kissed me on the lips and said no.
She got diagnosed with cancer again and decided to quit fighting and I want to kiss every inch of her and make her feel like she was always deserving of the best love someone could give.
I want to kiss every part of her skin and make her better again because she is the light of any room she’s in.
I want to kiss her, but I’m ***** from throwing myself in the gutter,
from trying to **** strangers,
from singing sad songs,
from losing more sleep every night,
from hurting people I love
and
hurting myself to hurt them more.
There’s this girl on first shift and she’s absolute magic and I loved her too soon.
She’s fading from the inside, out,
while I rot from the outside, in.
Dec 3, 2015
Dec 3, 2015 at 11:48 AM UTC
I write sad songs
About missing your hands in mine
And your breath on my neck
But I've never known it
I've known no one at all
And everyday I'm a butterfly
Busting from a cocoon
And by dawn those wings
They've fallen from me
And I'm no one at all
I sat in my room alone
Longing, fawning
Over superheroes and singer-songwriter types
Cause I love what I hate the most
The little parts of me and what I'll never be
I wrote a letter to a friend, to a lover, to a foe
Licked the seal, kissed its flap,
And sent it on its way
One returned, hollowed through,
And there's two out there I'll never be
Nov 30, 2015
Nov 30, 2015 at 11:15 PM UTC