#self-doubt
Every day I wake up
And I'm disgusted with myself
But never with you you you
I was never the best
At running
Or jumping
Or finishing work
Unlike you you you
And everyday i hope and dream
But i know
I could never be you
Never be you
Never be you you you
Never be you
Never be you
And maybe one day ill wake up and
I'll be better than myself
Better than her
Better than him
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
I'll be better than you you you
Could i be you
Could i be you
Could i be you you you
And maybe one day
I'll wake up
And know
Exactly why
You love me
But maybe
Only you could do that
Could i ever be you
Ever be you
Ever be you
Ever be you you you
No
Never be you
Never be you
I could never be you you you
Never be you
Apr 6, 2017
Apr 6, 2017 at 9:50 PM UTC
Feeling unhappy;
that I'm not good enough
Unconvinced and in despair,
Disbelief in my own
act and decisions
I am doing the best I could
to meet the expectations;
thus I am frustrated
Why am I putting
a lot of pressure on myself
just to seek attention?
I am trying hard
until gratified
Why am I still unfulfilled?
In fact, I am scared
I fear that I may fail
and may not reach satisfaction
It feeds my self-doubt
perhaps I am good-for-nothing
Feb 22, 2017
Feb 22, 2017 at 12:10 PM UTC
nothing
I'm not
Special
I'm
A loser
Not
Number one
I believe that I'm
An insecure girl
Not
The one of the best and brightest of my kind
I am
Dumb and ugly
No, I can't be
The child my parents hope, wish, and want
Because I'm
Not good enough
Never am I
Special
(Now please read bottom to top)
Nov 21, 2016
Nov 21, 2016 at 1:37 AM UTC
To be quite honest this
Concept is strange to
Me I'm just
Myself but
To others my
Mind is abnormal
I ponder things other
Couldn't care less about
I understand concepts most
People ignore
And yet
I feel stupid quite often
Much of my mind is unexplored
I daren't venture into the
Cavernous chambers of
Scorn I have for myself and
Those who aren't intelligent because
Who am I to think myself
Superior to anyone?
Sep 27, 2016
Sep 27, 2016 at 10:15 PM UTC
The Doubts,
The constant,
Sporadic,
Persistant,
Doubts.
Riding on a ferris wheel,
Going up and down,
Riding through the wave,
Then all alone in my cave.
Going up and down.
The doubts
Come and go,
Set me free,
Then prison me in bitter sprees.
Oh, leave me be.
There is no room for doubt,
That is the key.
Aug 22, 2016
Aug 22, 2016 at 11:02 AM UTC
And he told me, "You, my dear, are not a collection of people's memories. You don't need to house and protect everyone; you don't need to display and be proud for what they've done; you don't need to preserve them when all they do is walk over you. There will be moments that you have to guard them, but there will be much more of you having to watch out for your own self. You live for yourself and have confidence in it. You may be broken at times, but it's the fragments which make you much more intricately detailed. You have the potential to be the main attraction. All you have to do is to let it show. Remember, you are not a museum, but a masterpiece of art."
May 12, 2016
May 12, 2016 at 11:01 AM UTC
What I wouldn't give to hide
and break the glass covering my mind
release the tension as it builds up
relieve the steam
let loose the dreams
smell the new horizon spanning my fate
look across my mind's ocean
and forget all of the commotion
caused by my own brain’s turmoil
fixed in the work of turning the soil
the labor, the toil, spanning generations.
Discovering new fields and meadows of the mind
would help, not hinder
a cerebrum such as mine
expanding further past the shore
deeper into the metaphorical earth of conscience
but instead I await a rescue
for, what simply more could I do?
the lines of capable and not so are thicker than before
and I'm on the side of failure
my continuance is dependent upon my hindered success
my mind and my clothes and my body's a mess
I want the shake and break the glass encasing my brain
crack the display case
do more than what is required
but how can I do more when I can't do less?
How can I derail this train of thought that I will never be the best
and I might not even be good.
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 2:05 PM UTC
I wonder if you've noticed,
I'm becoming less appealing,
Our conversations are getting very...
Very, boring...
And I wonder if you've noticed,
That I'm becoming less appealing.
You can tell me,
I didn't meant to approach you,
It was a decision made in a split second,
And it seems like my heart's voice was louder than my brain's then:
I'm being honest,
My chest was about to explode,
My heart was a ticking time bomb
And I could only disarm it by giving it a voice,
Converting its electric impulses into sound waves.
But now,
It's been a while since then,
And,
We're drifting apart...
I haven't told you that I nicknamed you zebra because of that cute black and white shirt you had on...
Because,
I'm scared that would just trigger the slow end of our...
Our?!
I mean,
It will make our friendship awkward.
I told my friends I don't like you,
But apparently you like me -
But, I just have a question,
After getting to know me -
Ummm... Have I lost my charms,
Or are you still googly-eyed over the stupid fifteen year old boy that nearly tripped over his own words as he uttered, "You're very pretty"?
Mar 13, 2016
Mar 13, 2016 at 2:40 PM UTC
I've been where you are
In the darkness
Filled with night lights
Sweet liquors and scents
That dull the ache
Distracting you from your heart:
The heart that you hate
For loving someone far from reach.
I've felt the agonies
Of misunderstandings
When my words could not be heard,
And my soul remained unseen
Because I was drowning
In my own lies and stories:
Falling from my own heights,
A million miles above the crowds.
I've walked this path
That you're dragging yourself on.
I've held the hand
Of self-betrayal in a dark room
And wondered if I'd make it:
Til morning... til the light came.
I've been the one screaming,
Everyone thinking I'm laughing;
I've been the broken one.
Mar 10, 2016
Mar 10, 2016 at 8:40 AM UTC
if I could be any one of your body parts I’d
be your fingertips.
when you break my gaze on screen, I yearn for it like
a lost child.
keep pushing others out of the way at aquariums so I can
touch the stingrays
and nudge my calves with your nose when you
want to be brushed
I promise to always remember where your car is parked,
if you let me keep that photo of you as a young pilot
in my pocket
in public spaces, we fill the
air between us with supernovas.
you are Sirius
you are the lobster
you are the look across the room at a party;
feel my phantom hands on your shoulders
I’ll crawl into the nape of your neck and make a home
plaster myself across your skin so you can find me
in the grooves of your hands
I’ll sew my words into your sheets so you will never be without them
promise me you’ll comb out your tangled hair if it gets too much
and wait for me by the Whitney
as I walk 341 miles for you.
Mar 8, 2016
Mar 8, 2016 at 11:43 PM UTC
I.
you never saw me in winter:
shearling fur and kettlebell boots
my outer crust cracking from one step outdoors.
I wear socks to bed
and smoke Belmonts to cover
my breath with toxins
instead of you.
II.
I never wear pants when I’m with you
mostly because I’m hoping to re-enact me walking
over the Millennium Bridge
in May.
if the wind pushed any further
up my skirts, it would force my lungs right out my throat.
my hotel room called for us
but you were on a plane to Norway
and I was in my head.
III.
the last time we had ***
you told me you’d finish me off first next time
but I’m always like your backup song for karaoke,
in case someone takes your first choice.
you never:
acknowledged that my rice was shaped like a heart
and yours like a star at dinner,
ask me what my tattoos mean,
but always ask me if I’m pregnant.
you’re a roll of film that needs be developed but
I keep smearing the edges with my fingers
and scanning the red light over myself.
Nov 23, 2015
Nov 23, 2015 at 4:43 PM UTC
I’ve always been intimidated
By the man in the mirror
With his cocky face and his self-assured grin
I’ve always been imitated
By the man in the mirror
With his worried sigh and his eyes full of doubt
Oct 6, 2015
Oct 6, 2015 at 3:21 PM UTC
Desire its either material or affection
its something we crave that will turn into an addiction
it gives a kind of feeling that couldn't be explain
afraid to tell and show how much you'll give for it to obtain
its something that can captures other's attention
but you'll never expect them to accept such kind of situation
you'll keep it hidden from other's observation
addiction is such a harsh word to describe someone's fixation
an obsession over something firm and stable
something that will make us feel enable
addiction is just a simple kind of obsession
of someone's or your own fixation
it's just a normal feeling of someone's want living in today's civilization
were everyone is driven by their own hidden addictions
Aug 16, 2015
Aug 16, 2015 at 2:59 PM UTC
You are a galaxy.
From the way gravity pulls your lips
back into a smile when you laugh
to your stellar remnants of Vegas.
I thought it would take parsecs
for two distant galaxies to even come
into visual morphology with one another
but we collided into an elliptical love
that is practically observable
throughout the universe.
And as we fall farther into space,
we grow closer together because galaxies
are gravitationally bound to one another.
© Matthew Harlovic
May 17, 2015
May 17, 2015 at 8:23 PM UTC
1) I am afraid of silent waiting rooms because I’ve never learned how to be alone with myself.
2) I am afraid of not being good enough because I’ve been told that these days, good isn’t enough.
3) I am afraid of still being on the first question while the rest of the class turns their exams in.
4) I am afraid of walking to the bus station too slowly, and having to desperately sprint at the end to catch up.
5) I am afraid of indecision. The only thing worse than making a wrong decision is being the coward who didn’t make one at all.
6) I am afraid of being lazy, so lazy that my suicide will be a pack a day and an unbuckled seatbelt.
7) I am afraid of how fast you are going, and
8) I am afraid of you leaving me behind.
9) I am afraid of being weak – of taking twice as long to wait for the elevator instead of just taking the stairs.
10) I am afraid of failure; more importantly, I am afraid of those unbearable seconds of silence that come afterward.
11) I am afraid of believing wholly and completely in eternal sunshine because I won't have an umbrella when I need one and
12) I am afraid of asking to borrow your extra umbrella.
13) I am afraid of good-old-fashion bad luck because can it make the rest of my fear arbitrary anxiety.
14) I am afraid of saying, “I miss you, I love you, please stay longer this time…”
15) I am afraid of naivety because nothing is ever said without a reason.
16) I am afraid of overestimating myself because someone once told me you see yourself as ten times more beautiful than you actually are.
17) I am afraid of giving my love to those who do not deserve it because they will not give theirs back to me.
18) I am afraid of wasting my time, because I do not have time to waste.
19) I am afraid of limiting myself. God knows there is always more I could be doing. Should be doing.
20) I am afraid of being honest. Honest like children. Honest like poetry.
May 7, 2015
May 7, 2015 at 1:40 AM UTC
Always this, but never that.
Comparisons made at.
It'll never overlap,
An eternal void, infinite gap.
Whatever gold I have,
Falls short of what I want.
Am I ungrateful or what?
I just want this to shut.
An innocent question, I have
I wonder if a time has passed,
If in your mind you had,
An idea of me that dashed.
I guess I'll never stop,
Having your thoughts inside.
To empty faith, I'll hop,
Lose myself, lose my guide.
Apr 26, 2015
Apr 26, 2015 at 11:34 AM UTC
Few possess the quiet faith to see past today’s tangled mess.
Most of us, victims of self-doubt, will accept what we call our fate.
Some though, know we must strive to silence the voice that says “You cannot.”.
Apr 24, 2015
Apr 24, 2015 at 1:51 PM UTC
Disfigurement
to a one time pretty boy
is like
finding out that I'm positive all over again
a tower of rubble
to the chest
another death sentence rolled out
just in time for the new year
a new contagion of scar tissue
and self-doubt
self-loathing and your disgust
turning me away in the rain
and if it hadn't been you
it will eventually be a whole line of others
whom no longer wish to sample
this drama queen's merchandise
of defilement
and raw pain
Apr 10, 2015
Apr 10, 2015 at 8:15 AM UTC
Live on.. live long..
against all the conspiracies.
Drive far, dive deep..
escaping all that you hold dear.
Running away from your perpetual fears,
hiding from the gaze of your judgmental peers,
restoring safety by going through anonymity's cloud
into the darkness, the scream chills aloud.
Mirror's eyes behold my shape,
it reflects feelings of other's hate.
Unable to find a place to escape,
doors locked all around but the cemetery gate.
I can feel myself being incomplete,
being nothing but a piece of meat.
Acknowledging the potential in me,
My only wish is for it to break free.
But stuck in my own darkness
I lie crying behind that heavy door
between the cowardly sheep and the lion's roar.
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 3:35 AM UTC
Most days self-doubt laps at my ankles
in pools that I hardly feel, with ripple effects
so small I don't even sift the footprints
in the sand. Other times it comes in waves,
striking me behind the knees. I wobble,
skim the water's surface with a grasping hand
that's never held on to anything except for broken
secrets, but I don't fall. The salt stings my eyes
but instead of closing them I resolutely
gaze at the sunset in the hopes that I could find
some written metaphor in the pink and orange clouds
about something like "starting over" or
"self-forgiveness". And then there are rare days
when there's an eclipse and I can't blind myself
with sunbeams or use an ultraviolet floodlight in my brain
to scare off all the lurking thoughts I can't pin-point
but know are there... that's when the self-doubt
comes in tsunami waves, and I don't fall but
sink like a wayward torpedo, farther than
any reaching hand could pull me
to shore, to normal rock bottom,
and I realize, as the oxygen slowly leaves my lungs,
as my vision darkens into obscurity,
that I've visited this abyss before.
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 3:12 PM UTC
I need something to hate myself for
But the truth is
I already have so much that I hate
About myself and what I've done
It's so easy
To make mistakes in this world
And after every mistake and lie
I feel myself begin to crack
Because
Of everything I hate
I will punish my mistakes with hate
For myself and only me
No one deserves the hate I have
For myself
Jan 1, 2015
Jan 1, 2015 at 12:32 PM UTC
self-doubt is a killer
or maybe i’m the one who’s suicidal.
Sep 22, 2014
Sep 22, 2014 at 9:12 PM UTC