#ramblings
Half a year has passed
Love has been recalled
and lives have been lost
Hearts have been split in halves
Lessons learned, wages earned
More questions left unanswered
Am I getting older
or just getting used to it?
Am I growing wiser
or just getting my old self back?
But all the love I think I gave to people,
out to the bigger world,
I need a little bit of that back for myself.
Even just for a little while.
I need some kind of balance
or even an illusion thereof.
Am I becoming stronger
or getting more careless?
Am I getting smarter
or just getting sheer luck?
Yet all the lessons I thought I learned
from all the people I gave my love to,
I think I didn't really need them.
All I needed was to do it myself.
Like I always do.
Is the earth getting warmer
or is my skin growing thicker?
Are my dreams becoming closer
or I just couldn't care less any longer?
More questions will be asked
and will be left unanswered.
Jul 4, 2023
Jul 4, 2023 at 5:03 AM UTC
pain fills me up
from my stomach to my skull
souffrance come une smoke
thick and bleak and black
or like food, not nutritious
yet quite poison-like
une illusion, ou pas?
pain fills me up
untill i choke and burst
throat shut, eyes burning
something that's not welcome
tu es disparu mais pas de moi
en restant comme une partie d'âme
unable to chase, unwilling to leave
pain fills me up
ressemblant à le lierre
ou le squelette de moi-même
this time solid and trapping
a cage borne into my flesh
neither locks nor keys
maybe a welcome addiction
love, now c'est une illusion
une image que j'ai fait de toi
maybe just out of nostalgia
you had all the time to come
i had all the time to heal
yet the pain fills me up
from the cracks you left
Jul 9, 2022
Jul 9, 2022 at 7:20 PM UTC
Poetry is love
Its words carry my feelings
Across time
Across minds
Shared with others
Interpreted by the heart
In any way it wants
Poetry is my love to you
To take how you will
To give however you want
So take me across time
across minds
across hearts
and I will love you
Till the end of time
Nov 9, 2021
Nov 9, 2021 at 9:04 PM UTC
It's funny how desires work. A thought pops up in our mind, and it snowballs to the point that if we don't do it, we fear we may explode in that very moment.
The lustful heart. How dangerous it is for both parties. Secret touches, forbidden words whispered in passing breaths. We all want love. Even for just one second. We crave the sweetness of being adored, even if the aftertaste burns our lips... and hearts. We fall for the wrong people, for the right reasons; most of the time. We fall in love with how a person laughs, or talks, or the way their eyes crinkle ever so slightly when they smile. We notice the tiniest things about them and grow fascinated by them. Curiosity about the scar on their hand or why they don't know how to react when you say sweet words to them. You watch everything they do and store it in your mind. A memory to re-watch on the days you miss them. But we can also get addicted to the way they make us feel. How the world doesn't seem so vast anymore or how your heart slows as they hold you. You memorise how their hands feel in yours and you make blueprints of their lips in your mind. You get addicted to the electric shock down your body as their undivided attention is on you. Do you really love them or do you just love not being alone? Both, perhaps.
Oh, how curious the human heart is. Capable of feeling so profoundly and deeply but capable of killing it the very next second. How quickly our feelings change. They cannot be trusted. Promise me you won't fall for the trap of love again. I ask you, no, I beg you, please don't do it. I am only nineteen years old, but I have felt the greatest of heartbreaks. Love, in this world, will destroy you. Maybe, I have only ever known the wrong types of love. The love of an abusive dad, of cheating and abusive boyfriends, the love of someone who is truly not meant for me. I have been heart broken and I have broken hearts; I wish for neither any more.
Being heart broken makes you feel like you will surely die the very next moment. No air enters your lungs, lips and mind frozen in time as you feel every piece of your shattered heart fall. Every moment death does not take you, you taunt the devil so that he may come quicker.
However, in some ways, being the heart breaker can feel even darker. You meet the side of yourself you thought would remain in hell. So cruel and inhuman. To see someone crawling on their knees begging for the scrapes of your love, but the best that you can afford to give them is time, and when you get bored, you cannot even afford that anymore. You turn and laugh as they scramble to pick up the pieces of their heart before the wind blows them away.
No, I do not wish for either. But if I were forced to choose one, I'd choose to have my heart broken. A painful reminder that life is real. How dull our lives would be with no heart break.
Jul 3, 2021
Jul 3, 2021 at 7:49 AM UTC
the wind was a ruffle in the curtains
and the day went by, unseized
the world was a ricochet in a chamber
and the gunshot bedroom leapt out, inept
the women weep out neglected, knowing
*** is of no value in our promiscuous world
a cigarette is like a god in the skies
the expectation is lofty and leaves us sad
the earth turns me dizzy
my arches have fallen
and the trojan horses have all fled off, torn
each child is abandoned in time and they all
**** their parents with resent, cuckkoos are poets
when they push all the little birdies out the nest
each poet is a cuckoo liar, inflating any kind of truth they've found
in the dotting of their stinking socks.
a beard is a false billboard
a wife is a lie that germinates s l o w a dog is a god if you look with sad eyes
there’s shakespeare in everything
and its all undeserving
there’s drama behind every curtain
and all the best legs
creep around like common juniper
into the fiendish, lonely night
people make soup
and they shoot themselves with shotguns
it doesn’t all make sense.
don't make sense.
make oatmeal
Jun 18, 2021
Jun 18, 2021 at 1:22 AM UTC
You tread a fine line
Afraid to look down.
Instead, pretend to be fine.
Avoid the doubts and fears.
No matter the cost,
The floods of tears.
They come biting back.
The insecurity,
A welcoming snack.
Latched on for dear life.
You find solace
At the edge of a knife.
Comforted and bewildered.
Malignant, yet benign.
You are bruised and blistered.
Here is where growth lies.
Oct 19, 2020
Oct 19, 2020 at 5:08 AM UTC
Blank pages,
Doubtful thoughts,
Lonely nights,
Painful sighs...
Bound in my silence,
Starved for touch,
Gasping for warmth,
Trapped behind a screen.
The walls
Will soon
Claim
My soul.
Aug 29, 2020
Aug 29, 2020 at 7:29 PM UTC
This is a nice walk.
Good job I've gone
Out and about
I ate way too much today
I need to burn that off
Christ, my belly looks huge!
OK, breathe in, breathe in
I wonder what I'll have
For tea tonight
It'd better be something light
I had a bar of chocolate last night
I wonder how many calories
I've left for the day
What do My Fitness Pal say?
600. That's okay
BUT
It would be better
To have less
I'm at a party this weekend
So I'll probably eat and drink
More than I should
I could just skip tea altogether?
Wow, my thighs really rub together
That's disgusting
Yeah, I probably should
(I definitely shouldn't wear shorts)
I wonder what I'll do tonight
Maybe go for a run?
I'm tired from last night's, but
I'll be happier once it's done
I look disgusting
In everything right now
Maybe it'll help me be
A little trimmer for that party?
Oh God, that person's looking at me
I bet they're judging
My double chin
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO BREATHE IN.
For God's sake
Why can't I just be thin?
There are too many people about
I should have waited
'til it was dark
My flab is less stark
Less to remark on
If people can't see properly
It's OK, nearly home now
...That was a nice walk.
Jul 29, 2020
Jul 29, 2020 at 2:07 PM UTC
something isn't nothing
I don't like it when people consider the minute nothing
I don't like it at all
something is wrong with that belief
to consider the small unimportant
the microscopic non-existent
meaningless
purposeless...
a figment of pure imagination
a non sequitur of time
as if size itself is the only factor of what is...
dismissing reality is a fatal flaw
for when that insignificant nothing
infects you
replaces your meaningless parts with rot
turns your own body against you
discards the fabric of your meaningless existence thread by thread into the null--
when your state triggers the process of decay
slowly killing you--
while the residual effects trigger the mechanisms of the minds of those around you to start discarding your future--
while every memory becomes thinner
when you start fading
walking your own path to becoming emptiness
to become the thing you dismiss
to become dismissed
from reality
from life
but slowly enough
to realize you want to live
to have that thing you didn't believe...
existed--
you will beg for something
and receive true nothing
Jul 4, 2020
Jul 4, 2020 at 7:37 AM UTC
Oh, how forgiven are we in death,
A price to pay, in the loss of life.
Oh, how unloved when we reside
Yet remembered so little, as we die
Living on in memories, of a few
That had, in life.. subtly touched us
And then cease to be, immaterial
Like many a soul has, before us.
Tragedy is when.. misunderstood,
And never were they, ever heard.
Tragic lives, and disavowed care,
And never was a beautiful word,
Catered to them, in their winter fair.
Do them a favour, and heed 'em well
As they .. in flesh, still breathe in air.
Do not, please cry out in penitence,
And don their graves in flowers, rare.
Jun 17, 2020
Jun 17, 2020 at 2:19 PM UTC
My soul burns through these eyes
while I seek you out
through this blizzard
of life.
The rain of my soul,
wets my face,
as you dried it
with your winds of light.
I am oblivious
to your presence,
yet you're there.
Amongst the shadows
of my mind,
and blood in my veins.
Made to enliven me,
like an elixir.
Jun 7, 2020
Jun 7, 2020 at 4:47 PM UTC
I smile foolishly
There is everything wrong
Going on, in my life now
Yet, I laugh like an idiot
**** care, about it all
I have lived all too carefully
Picking pebbles on the way
I have sinned not too much
Pious is the delirious clay
What else can I say, I do not
Try to defend all that I have
Lived; and I smile coyly
What has anyone begotten
By not living it in other way?
Find yourself, live to seek
Seek and pursue, until clear
It becomes. Until you find out
All that there is to find out !
Or you die trying, with the
Knowledge, of not have gone
Down, without even a stare.
May 28, 2020
May 28, 2020 at 6:21 AM UTC
Life is a mystery
Solved by living through each day
Picking and choosing each little thing you do
To hopefully come out the way you dream
Even though oftentimes reality is ugly
So unfair and we yearn for things to stay
Remain and not bid us adieu
Things heat up, water to steam
In the night, people scream
Some with delight, others of fright
Some real, some making a foolish deal
Up is right and down is left
South is east and north is west
Stalking about like a major theft
Doing it's very, very best
Throwing a stone in the lake
But it comes back and in its wake
Rush toward the shore twenty more
None hear the cries of the unsure
But discover the corpses of their mistakes
Pondering what could have happened
When there were witnesses a plenty
All spewing acidic lies to disfigure
The twisted thing they could never cure
Life gives and takes
As an ocean pushes and pulls
Metal above a candle blackened
Polished to be shiny, like new
A mother lulls her child
Tells it to calm, no more to be wild
Look to the sky, as it changes hue
Does that not calm a restless soul?
Rolling clouds, endless expanse that is the sky
Some beg and plea and ask it why
But the answer they seek is not in the great vastness overhead
Or in the miles of earth and life underfoot
It's within oneself, and in those you meet
Find it, and embrace it
Don't stop searching
Especially if you're uncertain what you're searching for.
- Jay M
April 17th, 2020
Apr 17, 2020
Apr 17, 2020 at 10:59 PM UTC
It's in these moments of calm that I feel the most panic
These moments when the TV is on
telling me a detailed story of someone else's life,
these moments when I am the most distracted,
that I am also the most aware of what's happening inside my body
Inside my head
It's in these moments of calm that I am the most afraid.
Apr 6, 2020
Apr 6, 2020 at 12:56 AM UTC
Tonight I ponder purpose,
a reason for existance,
the force to my resistance,
and food for my superstitions.
What am I, a producer or consumer?
who am I, the savior or the ender?
I live to wonder why and how to compromise these feelings
deep inside this organic device.
Icll pay the price to my destiny lender
while waiting still for my untimely surrender but first a question to the future:
where is your expectation
under examination?
I need some inclination,
a simple indication,
perspiration of inspiration.
The sun could shine through
yet my space is always shaded.
I'll try to block my eyes
to the half that's always jaded;
make tribulations no longer be berated.
Someone give me the weight
I've waited to feel for so long
because my body aches
for a chance to grow strong.
Dec 7, 2019
Dec 7, 2019 at 11:36 PM UTC
I make no more assertions the world,
as a whole, will ever adequately define its morality.
People fluctuate in their ideal
too much.
We often try to make them concrete
from a spectrum of principles.
We may even reach an agreement;
a certain stalemate to an issue.
Though I know there will always be
opposition, it is an unavoidable constant.
And so, in the end, every debate is
nothing more than a lasso to a cyclone.
Dec 4, 2019
Dec 4, 2019 at 2:10 PM UTC
being with you
is akin to lurking in the shadows
desperate to breathe
when all you choose to
offer is smoke and dust
parading around as clean,
crisp air.
it's craving sunlight,
the warmth of its rays,
when all i can have
is obscured by thick, tinted glass
-- only you know
i exist behind it.
it's wanting to wade in a cool
refreshing pond,
but all i can feel is grime
& a cold, mucky
liquid sloshing around
-- drowning me
i honestly can't find better words
to describe how it is
to be around you--
it's akin to trying to breathe
with you holding a bag around
my head, whispering sweet nothings
as i gasp.
you know i would take in your
smoke and dust.
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 5:23 PM UTC
This is all me in my head-
the shaking hands and the
emptiness that I feel
but is it just that I don't feel enough
or so much
that I'm shutting down-
sleeping away my days
going into nights where I stare up
at the sky and wonder why
my life is the way that it is.
I can't tell why I'm crying- because
I feel nothing
empty
hollow
empty
nothing
complete loss of anything-
but I know that things will not alway be this way because
I remember times when I did feel-
so hard
so fast
so intense
that this all must just be my body
trying to react to something
that it does not know what it is reacting to
What is going on
why am I so numb?
This is all in my head-
this is on me-
it will be okay-
the feeling will come back-
but for now I'll sit.
Sep 22, 2019
Sep 22, 2019 at 12:21 AM UTC
Who gave permission to paint the inside of my eye lids,
closing them was the only door I had to escape each day.
I’ve knocked down monuments and blew up all the power grids,
and yet there’s sounds, thoughts and memories I can’t keep at bay.
Someone needs to cover their tracks,
I’d rather gut wrenching honesty than sugar coated lies.
I’m not obliviously naive I drown myself in facts,
connecting invisible dots and stretching coincidences and ties.
I saw a rainbow, though it’s hard to distinguish if it was just in my mind,
and I tell you her beauty can even turn the heads of those who are blind.
The game of chess I left years before;
the pawn on it’s side that I placed the blame.
The knight, king and queen are strewn on the floor,
did I happen to mention that I lost the game?
Losing my path that I’ve been following,
though indecisive I’ve always been one to lead,
and with these objections I’ve been swallowing
it’s a wonder my throat hasn’t begun to bleed.
Someone needs to cover the cracks,
‘cause the water’s rushing in as time goes by.
All I feel is cold shoulders and turned backs,
not sky or ocean but veins to match each eye.
I’ve got a million confessions on my tongue, but the words I just can’t find,
and I tell you her beauty can even turn the heads of those who are blind.
I swore I opened the thirteenth door
but I found myself upon floor,
and dragged myself until I was tattooed with rug burn.
Experiencing an implosion from my core,
flame’s extinguished but I feed the fire more,
I’ve always played with matches, I guess I’ll never learn.
I lay watching the clouds
change shape into my distractions,
all hitting my brain so loud
I wish to turn it down by fractions.
Feeling isolated within crowds,
and feeling excluded from my own factions,
I hide my heart but it’s well endowed,
and it’s all yours despite my words and actions.
Aug 8, 2019
Aug 8, 2019 at 7:34 PM UTC
****
I'm sick
And you're with her
And I'm with me
He moved
Or maybe I did
I'm not quite sure
What Spanish has to do with this
Lost in thoughts
Half dream
Half reality
Doing my best
Not to obsess or
Fall apart
In my tiny corner
Wiping my nose
Roaming the halls
In my mind
Desperate for anything
But especially you
It's truly a bit
Ridiculous
That I still miss him
So long gone
Might as well be dead
In a hospital bed
But I hope to God
In whom I have no faith
That he'll call me someday
And everything
Will be okay
I hate you when you're laughing
Because you're not laughing
With me
That isn't fair
Life isn't fair
That's why you're
Over there and
Not looking at me
Jealousy
Is disgusting
And I'm full of it
I guess it's best
That I stink alone
And forget about the good times
Picking out music
Awkward compliments
Smiling through
A water glass
Nothing lasts
I'm hyper-dramatic
Jul 8, 2019
Jul 8, 2019 at 2:57 PM UTC
I don't forget that I love you
when we disagree.
My dear, I have learned humility
through my shortcomings.
Sometimes I sympathize with Pluto;
once a planet, taken seriously,
orbiting mysteriously
at the edge of what is known.
Now, demoted to little more
than a frozen rock
somewhere out there beyond care,
only locatable
by its relation to Neptune.
My love, I am estranged by you,
though I dare not speak it directly
for fear that I might
plant a seed of fault in you -
a **** that is hard to uproot,
I know.
So, you can go on being Neptune -
I'll stay at your limits
and hope you'll turn to me and smile.
Jun 21, 2019
Jun 21, 2019 at 6:03 AM UTC
As the rolling hills pas by
I wonder where they go
where they come from
and how something so beautiful and rural
could be created with a single thought
Such power and freedom
I cannot comprehend
But oh, to be able to mold your
passions
Create your dreams
And control all that is around you
What I would give to have
that power
But then I come to the realization
that I do
Everything I need is within my grasp
All I need is to open my
mind
to what I already posses.
-Esther L. Krenzin -
-Roguesong-
Jul 31, 2018
Jul 31, 2018 at 3:25 PM UTC