#notfair
18
What a strange age
Expected to grow up
Expected to change
But there is a problem
With what they request,
I’m not quite done growing
And I’m still quite a mess
They tell me I’m ready
That I have to move on
Won’t somebody tell me
Where my childhood’s gone?
What are these taxes?
Why must I move out?
If I haven’t the money,
Shall I sleep on the ground?
Nobody told me
How to accept
The loss of my childhood
As a normal event
It may not have been nice
And it may not have been good
And I might have been through stuff
That no child should
But I am not ready
To give it all up
To trade for my hours,
Everyday at a job
I don’t know how to fight it
I’m not sure I can
But at least I am finding
The person I am
At 18 I’m growing
And I’ll keep in my hand
That of another me,
The one of my Past
Nov 11, 2020
Nov 11, 2020 at 5:29 PM UTC
I didn't know what you'd say.
I didn't know what you'd do.
That day l asked
"Will you let me love you?"
With tears falling from your eyes
I wish I could say I was surprised
When you replied
"No"
Even though I already knew,
I had to ask why.
"Why?
Because I refuse to listen to your heart
Break as you watch me die."
My heart's already been broken.
It breaks every time
I walk out that door.
Please, you don't have to suffer alone
Anymore."
You say "it's not fair to you"
As you let your face hide
Behind a curtain of your Auburn hair.
"You're right. It's not fair to me.
Not fair to you. But that's another thing we could share. I love you."
"I love you too."
4 little words made my heart whole.
4 little words, and now she's forever a part of my mind, body, and soul.
Dec 8, 2019
Dec 8, 2019 at 8:42 PM UTC
You were tiny, when we brought you home.
Just a ball of fluff that we claimed as our own.
You were full of life and happiness
You were no stranger to making a mess!!!
Oh boy we're you naughty, always in trouble!
But that didn't matter, you were part of our bubble.
We watched you grow bigger every day,
Never any doubt, that you were here to stay.
8 years later, it's not really that long!?
It's like you've always been here,
Like the familliar tune of a favourite song.
Two weeks go by, you are not yourself.
Something is wrong, we are trying to help!
It could be this, it could be that, we will figure it out, we will get you back!
You're not eating, you wont get up,
that's not normal, wheres our big pup?
Have a scan, find the problem
Whatever it is we'll find a solution.
One phone call later, from the vet.
Changes everything, we've lost the bet.
It all happened so quickly
This wasn't the plan!!!
Your the ronster monster
Our mundy man.
No "happy bark" greetings as we walk through the door, no tripping over you, as you sleep soundly on the floor.
Feeding time is easier now, almost stress free!
But I'd give up that in a millisecond to have you back here with me!!!!!
I guess it's just down to time now, to make this easier on our hearts.
I just wish we had you here for longer, or could go back to the start!
One thing for sure, you will never be forgotten, we won't let your memory fade away, our naughty ronnii rotten!!!!!
RIP Ronnii, Safeharbour Patrick Swayze. 16/01/2011 to 16/10/2019.
Be safe at rainbow Bridge, until we meet again my giant furry slobber friend.
F. U. Cancer!!!!!!!!
Nov 10, 2019
Nov 10, 2019 at 10:21 PM UTC
They said
Don’t wear leggings
Or a shirt that shows your cleavage
Because you need to be covered up
You’re a distraction
They said
Don’t use your period as an excuse
For male teachers to let you go to the bathroom
Because you’re not fooling anybody
They said
Don’t shave your head
Boys can
You can’t and don’t
And won’t because we’ll suspend you
They said
Watch the length of your skirt
The color of your hair
The shoes and makeup
The piercings
And they call that fair
They said
Come to us if something is wrong
if you’re feeling bullied
if you feel unsafe
I guess they don’t remember asking my friend and I
if we heard of anyone in our year with suicidal tendencies
They asked us because
We were the sensible ones
The bright ones
We couldn't have been depressed.
I guess they didn’t see my panic
and my hand squeezing my wrist.
Because school
Is not a place
Where you can express who you are
School is not the place where you feel safe
It's a battleground on the outside of your comfort zone.
School isn’t about education
Its a challenge, competition
Its a measurement of your capabilities
But what if you don't excel?
You’re called out for not being good enough
You're humiliated. Mocked.
You get looked down on
Judged
Embarrassed
And you don’t get your
Degree
As if a degree explains who you are
What you’ve been through
How much you’re worth
As if a degree
Measures the capacity
Of your heart
And your knowledge
And a teacher can share your grade
Make a joke and smirk
Cause they think you’re not worth it
And they can laugh and yell and call your parents
Who don’t think you’re any better.
Because year after year they’ve been led to believe
that you’re easily distracted
that you don’t do what you’re told
that you’re rebellious
Because even if you showed respect to the hypocrisy
That you can't help but notice,
They still won’t understand that you're just fighting
for what you believe is right, for mutual respect.
Because that’s not what you were thought.
You were thought to raise your hand when you want to speak.
And even if you made a valid point
You would still get lectured on putting your hand up when you want to speak.
Discipline put first.
**And that is my definition of school
Jan 29, 2019
Jan 29, 2019 at 10:41 PM UTC
Journal Entry #10
I had the worst overwhelming stressed out day at work.
I felt like crying.
I felt out of my element.
I had no strength to go on.
And it was in that moment..
That I thought of you.
I wanted nothing more than to come home,
Bury my face in your warm embrace and cry.
All I needed was your strong arms wrapped around me tight and I'd know that everything would be alright.
It was only when I walked through the door of my empty lonely apartment that I realized.
"Oh.... that's right I'm not married."
Apr 7, 2018
Apr 7, 2018 at 10:30 PM UTC
My mind is in an abyss of oblivion
From not believing what I see
A poet believes
That a word is worth thousand pictures
But some pictures
They are worth thousand nightmares
While I am awake and gasping for words to breathe
I can't imagine how I should feel
When seeing all the things I see
I can't realize what to think
Caught by a tornado of dispair
As helpness as one can be
To survive, one must have a heart of steel
To admit that the pictures are real
But all I manage to say is
It is not fair....
Jul 28, 2017
Jul 28, 2017 at 6:23 AM UTC
I am knees deep in a quick sand
designed for people like me
by a system that thrives
on a climate of fear
Obtaining knowledge while selling my soul
Profit driven suits,
splurging words about our rights
and our duties
Camouflaging their own self-interest
Playing monopoly on knowledge
Convincing us,
that chasing that silly piece of paper
is the only option
Concealing the true cost that
comes with knowledge
One most of us will never be able to afford
An ocean of debt,
one I will surely pay until I'm dead
Behold the loophole though,
silver spooned fed mouths
need not sink nor swim
That hollowed shaped silver
holding them high above ground
While the rest of us sink
limb by limb
into a quicksand that was designed for people like us
May 29, 2016
May 29, 2016 at 1:42 PM UTC
They said
Don’t wear leggings
Or a shirt that shows your cleavage
Because you need to be covered up
You’re a distraction
They said
Don’t use your period as an excuse
For male teachers to let you go to the bathroom
Because you’re not fooling anybody
They said
Don’t shave your head
Boys can
You can’t and don’t
And won’t because we’ll suspend you
They said
Watch the length of your skirt
The colour of your hair
The shoes and makeup
The piercings
And they call that fair
They said
Come to us if something is wrong
if you’re feeling bullied
if you feel unsafe
I guess they don’t remember asking my friend and I
if we heard of anyone in our year with suicidal tendencies
They asked us because
We were the sensible ones
The bright ones
We couldn't have been depressed.
I guess they didn’t see my panic
and my hand squeezing my wrist.
Because school
Is not a place
Where you can express who you are
School is not the place where you feel safe
It's a battle ground on the outside of your comfort zone.
School isn’t about education
Its a challenge, competition
Its a measurement of your capabilities
But what if you don't excel?
You’re called out for not being good enough
You're humiliated. Mocked.
You get looked down on
Judged
Embarrassed
And you don’t get your
Degree
As if a degree explains who you are
What you’ve been through
How much you’re worth
As if a degree
Measures the capacity
Of your heart
And your knowledge
And a teacher can share your grade
Make a joke and smirk
Cause they think you’re not worth it
And they can laugh and yell and call your parents
Who don’t think you’re any better.
Because year after year they’ve been led to believe
that you’re easily distracted
that you don’t do what you’re told
that you’re rebellious
Because even if you showed respect to the hypocrisy
That you can't help but notice,
They still won’t understand that you're just fighting
for what you believe is right, for mutual respect.
Because that’s not what you were thought.
You were thought to raise your hand when you want to speak.
And even if you made a valid point
You would still get lectured on putting your hand up when you want to speak.
Discipline put first.
And that is my definition of school
May 16, 2016
May 16, 2016 at 4:45 PM UTC
I reach out my hand and grasp at the air.
My eyes well with tears, how can this be fair?
Surrounded by these people, but cursed to feel alone.
Forced to wander my mind, without a place to call home.
The tears, now a steady stream down my cheeks.
I hide my face and I begin to silently weep.
The people who care asking if I am okay.
Then they assume that I am, they resume with their day.
When I try and I try, never leaving them alone.
All I hear when I need help, is the blank dial tone.
I drop to my knees, finally giving up all thought.
I decide this is where I should be, left to rot.
I wish I could show myself, they really want to help.
But i can't seem to let them, I force myself into hell.
I lie here alone, alone with just my mind.
I wait to be consumed by it, it's just a matter of time.
I close my eyes, hearing the pleas of those I let down.
And I lie in my coffin, as I'm lowered six feet into the ground.
Oct 25, 2015
Oct 25, 2015 at 11:32 PM UTC
And just like a mason jar
Or a broken car
You threw aside my heart
Like some messed up art
And just like the ocean
Or a dead man's house
My heart is now empty
All the people poured out
You took all my love
And you threw it away
And all I can think is
I wish you had stayed
It's not much your fault
What happened to me.
You're just a child
My heart is the sea.
And I suppose after all
My foster child
You just did as you were told
You just moved on
Jun 16, 2015
Jun 16, 2015 at 10:04 PM UTC
It's not fair that I still want you. It's not fair that you invade my dreams. It's not fair that I crave your kisses. It's not fair that your touch still awakens me. It's not fair that I dream of being in your arms, only to wake in disappointment. It's not fair that I still like you.
Dec 2, 2014
Dec 2, 2014 at 4:29 PM UTC
These days, I feel like time is moving too fast for me. Too dang fast.
Everybody comes and goes out of my life, Always.
without the blink of an eye. You included
Break those promises wont you? You said you'd never do that. Look at what's happened now
Maybe I should stop caring. Just let it all fade away. It'll be Peaceful maybe
I did try didn't I? I kept trying. I still am trying. It's really hard.
If this doesn't work, what will? I want you to stay but I'll have to let you go
Will you ever realize how much you're hurting me? As long as you're happy I guess.
You don't even know any of this. And I wont tell you either.
I wish I was strong enough to throw a fit and scream and yell I wanna let go.
but no sounds come out of my mouth when I try. Why is this happening?
So instead of going through all that trouble, "It'll get better."
I just put up a smile on my face, try to make it seem genuine, "It'll be okay."
and walk around with that fake smile. You lie.
Jun 15, 2014
Jun 15, 2014 at 10:32 PM UTC