#macoeur
You have always been unexpected
Friendship, love the whole lot of it
Leaving you was painful freedom
Still missing you, but I know I can rely on you.
I thought we were on the same page,
I’d have your back always
No matter the passed time.
But I’ve recently learned, so painfully learned- that you don’t have mine.
I used to think you could never surprise me but I never saw this coming
I used to think we’d always respect each other
I guess everything has to change
Things I thought were forever are slipping away
My time is up, my secrets are out
I couldn’t believe they came from your mouth
I thought with everything changing
Our trust would stay the same
I expect the worst from those around me
So the sins against me never surprise me
But with you it was different
I thought you were here to stick
I told you things I’ve never told anyone
You were the closest person to my heart
Loyalty meant so much to you
You know it meant the same to me
I used to think you could never surprise me but I never saw this coming
I used to think we’d always respect each other
But I guess everything has to change
People who I thought were forever are turning away
Safety no more, my secrets are out
I couldn’t believe they came from your mouth
I thought with everything changing
Our trust would stay the same
You’ve outed me to my enemies
In a foolish slip of tongue or with malicious intent,
so unlike you.
Now enemies they circle me and those close to me
Seeking out a weakness which I only let you see.
It was only meant for you and me.
Coming together while I was black and blue
I thought I’d be forever safe with you
I was never once afraid of you
Little did I know you were another wolf dressed in gold,
Summer only as lovers, you’ve brought the winter cold,
You’ve done the only thing that could ever truly **** me.
What have you done to me.
Lucky for you
I take your secrets
Undeservedly
To the grave with me,
Stay away from me
Don’t even lay sunflowers for me.
I wish that I could take it all back
Every secret I shared with you
Every loyalty every memory every vulnerability
Tears running down my cheeks
Sharing breaths under the sheets
Wish I knew in less than a year you couldn’t care
if you betrayed me
if you ruined me
Like only you could hurt me.
You’ve wounded me
You’ve burned me
Beyond repair
Aug 10, 2019
Aug 10, 2019 at 7:35 AM UTC
Shifting landscapes of us
I am yet to get used to.
How many times have I wandered between
The many “what ifs” and “if onlys” and “I wish’s.”
How many times have I actively slapped my very own hand
When it invariably reaches for you.
The reaching is a selfish hungry thing.
I crave you when I am disappearing.
Even though I loathe how I define myself when I’m with you,
She is better than the unknown
That is chasing and gaping at my heels.
And that isn’t love.
Thirsting after comfort and memories
Thirsting after somewhere to belong
Is not love.
It is hard to admit
It is hard to choose to walk away
Every
Hour
We
Are
Apart.
And that craving
Of how you made me feel
The warmth
The connection
The love
A love I have never seen nor tasted before
A love I did not know how to treat
Is always being denied
And cruel suggestions
And those closest to me doubt my choices
Like they would have any part in the consequences of the choice
I would live with everyday.
I don’t even entertain the white day anymore
I used to spend hours building our life
Stacking our goals into the shapes of home
The mansions in my mind
Were never here to stay
Do I seek a grass of an unattainable green?
I lay in the dark, many hours after we ended the call.
I will myself to cry.
The pain boils in my chest and aches in my bones.
But I lay in silence, trapped.
Are we not even worth tears anymore?
Is this when the grieving stops?
I fear seeing you now.
Because I am half bloomed.
The branches we grew on and nurtured
Are drying and snapping away in the breeze
I fear you will not like me
If you see the stranger I am now
Foreign and thorny to the touch.
Will you still think me pretty?
Will you still want to touch me?
No matter how close I get to the edge
To giving in and sprinting back to you
To beg on my knees for your forgiveness
To ask you to help us bring back the love,
No matter what
I can not reconcile and justify
The hatred I held
For who I became when we loved.
Loathesome and breaking
Hair knotted against my scalp
My angles softened and blurred
Till I became more invisible to the world
Than I have ever been.
We stopped the world on its axis
Our minds grew old
Our bodies ceased their progress
And only came alive when we set each other alight.
No,
I can never return to a halting.
Dust is preferable to ice.
Frozen and still
To the death.
I am wind and rain
I must move to live
And life rises in my gusts.
The waves of creation
Roll across new paths
For I am alive again
Wind snapping in the sails
Rising on the seas
I soar to new skies.
The missing comes
The loss never leaves
Maybe I’ll always want you
But you’ll never be good
For me.
May 1, 2019
May 1, 2019 at 11:25 PM UTC
“Will you crush my spirit someday?”
It was almost a joke
When the fear was shared.
Now
Lying in bed
Day shifting to night
Unable to rise
Defeated
The truth
I let you become
The hand
That felled me
Dec 2, 2018
Dec 2, 2018 at 2:17 AM UTC
I try to write about you
Try to sing like I used to
Rattling breath
Wheezing and violent
The defeated silence
I lost my voice
Somewhere along the way
I stopped being everything
You insist you love
But are you just in love
With set paths
Predictable roads
Are you just in love
With not being alone
Deep down I think you suffer like me
There’s voices whispering
Telling you you will never be loved
And this is your last chance too
I tried to sing
I thought pulling out
What my old voice wrote
Would remind me what I sound like
But instead I’m in silent tears
Note after note
Verse after verse
Black and white it’s written
Obvious
I’ll tell you about my last songs
The last true voice I ever had
I sung our fears
I sung my truth
It’s so cliche
To say im broken
But the evidence is too damning
We’ve always been doomed
I sing about a last great defeat
Blades that ran me through
I sung about a soul tearing
A destruction of self
I cannot be in love
My missing pieces have not grown back
Fires ravaged the forest I grew
After evil hands tore them up
Right to the roots
Black black black
Loss loss loss
I guess I never really moved forward
The memories are fleeting
If they ever come up
I have forgotten the details
But the belief
The shattering
The robbing of self
Has come with me all this time
The labels given to me
I wear as a crown
Of metal and debris
Announcing to all
I am
Beautiful
Tragic
Lost
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 5:51 PM UTC
Echoes
Muted and bouncing
Reaching me delayed.
My hands hazy and grey
Colourless.
Lifting my eyes
Opaque clouds above
Mists and shadow below
Still the echoes
Are reaching me.
Try to take a step toward the voices
I fall
The darkness writhing and curling
Around my feet and legs
Bound.
I open my mouth
To scream
The shadows flooding down my throat
Stealing the sound.
The clouds descend
Heavy on my shoulders
All encompassing.
I struggle to my feet.
My muscles and bones screaming
I manage a step
Crumpling to my knees
Exhausted.
The voices take shape
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Talk to me?’
‘Tell me how to help?’
‘I don’t understand ‘
‘Just think happy thoughts’
‘Make changes, take steps’
I open my soundless mouth
Try to bellow the words
Into the heavy cold dark
Try to tell them
Help Me!
I am trapped and can’t find the way out.
Desperate
I reach through the cloud
Arms shaking with effort
I reach toward
The last haven
The last heaven
My heart, ma coeur
My cherished summer
For some light and warmth.
As I reach
Sightless
I feel the threads of shadows
Snake up my arms
Flooding from my mouth
Reaching for him with sharp cold
Clawing fingers
Trying to claim
His golden heart through me.
I withdraw
Eyes wide with fear
Ma coeur is not safe near me.
The voices of others
Who have fallen by my greyed hands
Cut through the shadows
Piercing my bloodless heart.
‘I’m just going to go’
My hearts voice says
‘I’ll leave you to it.’
I empty my lungs
As I try to beg him not to go
With only eerie silence
To reward my efforts
Sobbing voiceless in the quiet
Shadows feathery movements
Drink every tear.
The sun turns away,
I feel the muted heat
Fade.
I commit the last sounds of his laugh to memory
And do the right thing
At last.
I let go.
Cold,
I curl into myself.
The shadows
My only company.
Darkness, be my friend,
I plead
As it claims me once again.
Apr 25, 2018
Apr 25, 2018 at 5:10 AM UTC
I’m still so in love with you.
Oh the hours I’ve spent
Reliving the pictures of us
I held in my mind and in my hands
I’d look so carefully
Study our smiles
Your eyes,
My eyes
Every freckle and lash
Looking for that offending something
That doomed us to fail
At work I’ve been helpless
Gazing out the window
Dreamily
Heart and mind far away
Wandering with you.
‘Oh that’s a girl in love’
The old lady said
As she chuckled and shuffled out the door
My cheeks reddening.
What do I make of it all
I had so much questions and doubt.
Why do I only grow in more love for you
The longer we are apart
Why won’t it fade
Like everything else?
How can I still want you this much
When I know so strongly we are wrong
Why can’t I even use
This violent imagination
To even imagine myself with someone new?
Everyday is worse
Than the one before it
My calling reaching deafening pitch
Ma coeur ma coeur
Come home.
I’m still so in love with you.
I want to throw my arms around you
Bury my face in your neck
Breathe you in
Oh how I crave you
Kiss every inch of you
Tracing the lines of you
Painting you with my fingers
Feel drums deep in your chest,
Under my hands
Your laugh like sun bursting
From behind clouds
And how you’d look at me
Holding my face so gently
Fires in your eyes
Fierce and gentle at the same time
The crooked smile
The nervous hands
Asking, never taking
Oh how I want you.
I live for your words
An addict I’ve become
Counting the minutes between
Each contact. Each word.
I imagine how you’d say them
The shape of your lips
Your summer eyes
Changing and folding
With the seasons of your sentences
If words were water
My darling,
Let it pour.
I’m still so in love with you
The missing is unbearable
Desperate and hollow I’ve become
Your ghost
A spectre to follow your bright futures
I never wanted to be a shadow.
I am becoming yours.
I’m still so in love with you
And for that reason
I can’t have you.
For I left you to force you forward
So how can I justify
Taking you back
Even if it is
Into my begging arms.
Apr 24, 2018
Apr 24, 2018 at 9:08 AM UTC
All things have their time
Flowers bud then bloom
In fragrant bursts of colour and life
Wilting, browning, curling and dying
Just how they should
Trees shake off the frost
Greening up skeletal branches
Till the trunk sways
Under a crown of bushy green
That slowly turn gold orange and brown
And drops
As the world cycles again.
We too, bloomed.
You made me bloom
Then we wilted
I wilted
And we ended.
My most fervent dream for us
Was always that we’d
somehow be evergreen
Despite what nature has taught me.
We lived in summer, and died just before winter.
Except I wonder if we are now
Just dead branches
Wilted petals
Fallen leaves
When since the ending
Greenery has burst from our skin
Better than the unpruned tree
Our love seemed to be.
Maybe we had to let the bad fall away
Maybe what we had was the bad
So that something better could grow
The world keeps moving
Whether I will it to or not
And gold that was not yours
Asked for me.
And I know we had our time
And this is a time for pruning
But how can I accept
Different flowers
When even as he spoke
I wished
For yours.
All things have their time
Sunflowers and deep roots,
Tell me,
Is our time truly over?
Apr 22, 2018
Apr 22, 2018 at 8:26 AM UTC
I dealt death today.
I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.
I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their
Roaring grief.
They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.
And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.
And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.
But I took it with me today.
The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.
I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.
Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it
Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands
I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice
Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.
Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.
I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.
I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided
Apr 11, 2018
Apr 11, 2018 at 6:42 AM UTC
I wander between
Believing you really loved me or not
Whether it was just a name to put to
The intensity
The infatuation
The longing
The home
That we were
Words don’t come easily.
But my heart,
They are the lifeblood of a successful love.
I have to use my imagination too often
And she is a violent thing.
So
Let her in
She who comes after
My madness.
My love.
Tell her everything
Don’t make her guess
Don’t only tell her once
Don’t assume a title
Is enough to know the book.
Share your inner world
Tell her of your sorrows
The strange thoughts
The joy
The pain
All is worthy
All helps her understand
I think that’s what it came down to with us
Too much guessing
I never told you what you needed to hear
I sat in your silences guessing too often
It was hard
For both of us
To speak
You know,
Raising one voice
Encourages the raising of another.
So
Don’t make our same mistake.
Skip the wounding quiet
The voids where there should have been something.
Don’t discount the words
Because they mean nothing to you
Trust me
They will mean everything to her.
They will prevent the withdrawing from each other.
I will do the same.
I am not guiltless.
I am not without sorrow
And regrets.
And now you’re far from me.
It’s foolish, I know,
Speaking to you,
Here.
I try to tell you
All the things
I never could.
Maybe I will forgive us now
For our silence
By breaking it.
Apr 8, 2018
Apr 8, 2018 at 4:03 PM UTC
I think when you leave something
Healthy
There’s none of the poison
A hurtful goodbye has.
You spend less time healing
Because there was less damage
Like leaving a flower unpicked
To cycle how it should.
The bliss fades
The heat disappates
Until you find yourself
No longer living for the warmth
Finding yourself
Your own source of light.
These past weeks
I’ve felt your absence
Hollowly
Achingly.
All my movements
Jagged and uneven
Missing the piece of me that was you
Not knowing how to live without it
How I call for you
How strange it is
The day you wake up
And find yourself breathing
Air that didn’t ask for you
To make it taste so good
I found myself waiting
Those silences that destroyed us
Became so tiresome
And I had no desire
To hold onto them
Even though it meant
Letting go of you.
You’re much better at letting go than I
And your forgetting
Your quiet
Your leaving
Has helped me take my first
Sure steps
Away from us
You’re my golden heart
You will always have that name
My good and faithful coeur
You brought me to life
Wilted and dying
Bearing so many hurts
That should never have belonged to me.
I painted you as the sun
Blooming orange and gold on my night horizons
My ashen skin
Shook off it’s dust
Green and living
I rose because of you.
How we have loved.
I sleep under endless constellations
Surrounded by foreign
But welcoming voices
I am alright
The night sings
I’m reminded of you
And our breath rising
Under the cloak of another sky
But it is good.
We were good.
Your memory building me
Instead of breaking me
It’s all I know how to do.
My coeur,
My heart.
I think I can let you go now.
Apr 8, 2018
Apr 8, 2018 at 2:53 AM UTC
I thought I could stave off the insanity
Because we ended so well
But I drove through a storm
And I became one
I talked to you
Out loud
Pretended you were still sitting beside me
Launched a conversation that I only wanted to have with you.
I told you
Everything.
I wept
Openly
I confessed
I begged
I reminisced
“How ironic,”
I said at one point in the one sided conversation
“That we should work together better than we ever have now it’s over.”
And I smiled bitterly
And sobbed.
I knew what you’d say,
I could almost hear the deep sounds of your voice
Oh how I craved them.
‘Don’t call.’
The still sane part of me whispered.
‘Let him let you go’.
So I told his ghost.
That I missed him.
How hard it was, him being the only one I wanted to talk to about it.
I told him that I knew he was on the road to moving on from me
That he was already well down the path of discovery
And that he’s soon figure out
That he could do so much better
Than me.
That the evidence was
I was no longer a priority, did he notice?
He forgot me, for long stretches.
I am both happy and heart broken about it.
Did he not remember how I feared being forgotten.
I told his ghost it was okay he was already forgetting.
That the part of me that loves him cleanly
Knew this was the right way to go.
I told his ghost the part that loved him selfishly
Was the part hurting the most
How it protested the forgetting
And begged me to call him.
To return to him.
“I’m still so in love with you”
I cried into the night.
Ah and this is where the insanity sets in
The Unmet expectations
The guessing
I love you.
But I can’t keep doing this to you.
I can’t keep calling you back to me.
So watch me go
Feel my rain, my thunder
And then forget as I drift away
Like a passing storm
Apr 2, 2018
Apr 2, 2018 at 11:33 AM UTC
The worst part
Is always the missing
The aching
Oh how I wish you were here
It’s constant and aching
My chest is bruised from the inside out
My joints ache
My fingers pine
My mind replays you
Over and over
Smiling eyes
The sun on your skin
The sound of your heart beating
Your voice lighting up in laughter
The safety of your arms
Holding me in your bed
Sleepy breathing
Kissing my hands
The colour of your hair
Changing with the weather
Your lips on mine
Crooked smile
Our fingers intertwined
Your voice, telling me you loved me
The look in your eyes
How they changed
With the tides of your heart
The trees shadows mottling
Your ascent up the driveway
Chilly spring night
Finding me in the streets
Wrapped up on the couch
I’m encapsulated by you and your blankets
Safe in your arms
The only place I could truly rest
Oh how I love you.
Oh, how I miss you!
How I wish you were here
How I wish you were mine
It’s all I can do
Not to call you
Just to hear your voice
And hold onto you
A little while longer
Apr 2, 2018
Apr 2, 2018 at 4:48 AM UTC
The sea has always been
A haven
For me
Wrapped in the waves
Peaceful in the deep
The weights are lifted
On the rise of
It’s heaving chest
Your absence has done strange things to me
So I returned to the sea
To find some normalcy
The sand celebrated
Rising with each step
Welcoming me home
Like a prodigal son
As I breathed it in
I found a flavour on the wind
That never belonged here
And there you are
Suddenly
My eyes drinking you in like an addict
My hands reach out to meet you
Involuntarily
And the calling calling
Of my heart
On your name
Reaches a deafening pitch
My legs are held up by the sea
I lose my strength to stand
‘Ma Coeur’
Tears from my lips.
Relief.
The salt of the sea
Robbing my tears
From my cheeks.
My heart, ma coeur.
My cells sing and my spirit hums.
We are home.
We are home.
But
Before my fingers touch you
Feel the embers from your skin
They sing through
Cold
And empty
Air
And the haven
Is not a haven at all
For it calls for you
With its voice of roaring waves
And wind
With my voice too.
Ma coeur
Come back
Come back!
What have you done?
What have I done?
What have we done to your heart?
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 3:54 PM UTC
I am still
The world is moving
Leaves growing and falling
Changing
But I am still
I am anchored
Days ago
In your arms.
The city plays its strange song
My heart picking up with every step
Toward you
I’m fine
I say,
Too many times to be believed.
I feel my body give way
To a truth I don’t want to feel
When I catch sight of you
It’s like I’ve been hit by something
And it’s all I can do
Not to crumble
Not to run to you.
You smile and hold me for too short a second
I tell myself I don’t care
Even as I feel my fingers aching for you.
You talk you laugh
The sounds of the city dying in your wake
I am entranced by you
I cannot bear to look at you
And yet I cannot look away
You’re beautiful.
All my favourite things.
We walk and talk
And the knife in my throat
lungs that are bricks
Magnetic bones
Steal my words and actions
And I can see you noticing
So I try to become
An actress
aloof
And certain.
My appetite is gone
All my efforts in my charade
You tell me your truths
Truths I wish we’d heard so long ago
And my heart breaks on each one of them
I force the food down.
I study the smells and the sights
Try to stay in the moment
Try to keep it together
When all I want to do
Is reach across
The chasm I built
And weep in your arms
And tell you I was wrong,
Come home.
“I am fine”
I say as your eyes pick at the cracks.
You lead me through
Mazes of architecture and emotions
I’m hypnotised by you
My love, my heart, ma coeur
My body electrified by your presence
Calling calling calling for you
Aching aching aching for you
We sit the same as we always have
Except
So different.
You’re different, more whole somehow and I am successful,
But broken.
We hide in the echoes of an underpass
Chaos and kaleidoscopes of life around us
Oh but how quiet the world becomes
When you speak
Your voice breaks
And with it my charade
Oh my heart
I’m so in love with you
How could I have done this to us.
Completely given up
I cease to fight
And you’re in my arms
We are where we should be.
Holding you like that
Breathing you in
No questions here
We are one heart, one mind
I wished I could be closer to you
I wished you’d hold me tighter
I wished the evidence
Of the right leaving brought
Wasn’t all around us.
You’re talking and we draw in
I cannot keep it up
Ma coeur I cannot.
Coming home in kissing you
Unnatural before, now we are what were meant to be.
You taste so sweet
And I can’t stop reaching
I hold your face like something fragile
I trace the curves of your lips
I lose myself in your summer
And the calling calling
Celebrates into a contented hum.
We’re by the water,
Your hand in mine.
I’ve never felt so complete.
Your lips trace my jaw and whisper
Our truth to my ears.
You are and always will be Ma coeur.
We laugh we play
It’s our best day.
It’s our best day.
The drive home
Myriad of lights and night shadows
And you warm beside.
Though we drive toward
Our end
I hold you every moment I get
I memorise you.
A desperation sets in
As the parting draws closer
You kiss me sweetly
Lighting a fire in my veins
I fold around you like petals
Oh how I want you.
The stars peek behind patchwork’s of cloud
And we hold and kiss each other
As we watch them lazily stroll the sky
You speak softly to me
We talk about goodbyes
We talk about love
And then
We’re standing the the street
You’re holding me one last time
And I’m screaming inside
The intense grieving trying to break through my lips
Each stray sob
You stroke my hair and hold me close
You kiss the tears from my eyes
You tell me it’s okay
This is alright
We have this night.
Days ago,
I wept as I drove away from you
I refused to look back.
For fear I couldn’t stop myself
Returning to you.
Now
I am still
The world is moving
Leaves growing and falling
Changing
But I am still
I am anchored
Days ago
Still
In your arms.
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 3:50 PM UTC
I loathe the silences.
But
It’s been hours since,
We said goodbye,
And I seem to be stuck,
Hours ago,
In that silence I so loathe.
.....
......
‘Still there?’
You say,
somehow not breaking the spell.
‘I just....’
I start,
The sob stealing my sounds.
Shuddering breath,
‘I’m just not ready to let go, just yet.’
....
....
....
‘Holding on a little longer?’
....
....
‘Just a little while longer.’
...
And I sat
And savoured
That precious last silence
With you.
Mar 15, 2018
Mar 15, 2018 at 6:51 AM UTC
The drive home was a blur of tears and rolling landscape.
You called twice, and both times when your face showed up I couldn’t bear it.
I didn’t want to talk to you.
Didn’t want to hear your voice and relive how it sounded,
when you asked me if I still loved you,
and that despite how I felt
you still loved me.
How your voice broke when you choked on our parting words.
The foolish hope in your voice as you kissed me goodbye on our last day.
I wanted to call the earth to rise up over me.
and pull me under.
Despite our many words,
Our assurances,
I struggled to focus on the road through my sheeting tears,
The words dropping heavily from my lips and falling,
To the pit of my stomach.
‘We are not okay.’
And the lists started writing themselves
In a shudder of memory,
Despite my screaming at them to stop,
They settled in clouds through the air of my car,
Even as I refused them,
My lungs heaving on them,
My heart fluttering.
I pulled over.
I couldn’t see.
I wish I could tell you,
To share with you,
What it took to make me stop.
The tyres slowed to rest
As the sounds erupted from me
I was helpless in the tide.
The thudding of fists on the wheel,
the wracking heaving,
the thin rivers running together into roaring falls.
And
as the storm passed
the thin wail threading through the gathering stillness.
I drifted.
In my dreams he was waiting for me.
I ran to him,
fell into his arms and buried my face into his chest,
my hands like claws gripping him to me.
‘No no no no no no’
I couldn’t stop the words pouring from me, a last desperate refusal,
that I didn’t know the answer.
‘It’s not supposed to go like this, you were meant to stay. You were supposed to be the one! What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t it work?’
I felt myself separating and heard the pieces of me ****** around our feet.
And you just encapsulated me, warm and golden,
you kissed my crumbling hair.
I couldn’t look at your face,
too afraid
I’d see the cracks forming in your skin.
You didn’t say anything,
just talked without words like you always do,
speaking about a sadness,
a love,
an acceptance.
Peace flowed from you and steadied the ground,
my shaking legs,
my shattering body.
I wept and tried to crack as the warmth held me together
and then,
started to dissipate.
Mar 15, 2018
Mar 15, 2018 at 6:15 AM UTC
Wooden and mechanical
I go through the motions
Surrounded by blooded hearts
And the colours of the living
I try to paint myself to match
But
Wooden and mechanical
My voice fails to resonate
With the bonds they share
I see it register on their faces
And feel it in my tinny bones
That I am not one of them
I am not creeping towards death
With each cycle of breath like they
I am only as alive
As my wooden and mechanical motions
Dec 31, 2017
Dec 31, 2017 at 7:25 PM UTC
The cicadas are singing, in a roaring cacophony of voices
Barely muted, by the whirring of the fans, the unwatched movie,
Your breathing slow and sleepy steady
Your heart beat warm by my ear
The air like a blanket surrounding us.
I name the colours of your eyelashes
The golden tones of you
And watch the shapeless dreams wander over your lids.
But that old complaint
Louder with each moment, each day
Demands an audience
And I cannot deny hearing it
Just as I cannot deny
The cacophony of voices,
The cicadas singing.
Dec 31, 2017
Dec 31, 2017 at 7:20 PM UTC
‘You need to learn to fight’ my mother told me on Christmas Eve.
‘It is not good to go placidly in all things. You need to fight back too’.
I held my bruised knuckles and swallowed the sob in my throat.
‘But it hurts more to fight,’ I choked.
‘I will not break my own heart’.
My mother looked at me with an old pain and memory,
‘My darling he will not make you happy if you do not fight’.
Dec 29, 2017
Dec 29, 2017 at 9:12 PM UTC
"Where do I belong?"
I silently ask the stars.
My phone lies dark on the pebbled pavement,
Our routine conversation replaying and
Grating.
I’m too tired to carry the conversation today.
Is this what it will always be like?
"You’re running out of options"
Don’t I know it ma coeur, don’t I know it.
In more ways than one.
Sitting in the driveway of my parents home, listening to the bats and the breeze,
I wonder where I fit.
This is not the first time since being with you I have felt like a puzzle piece with all the wrong edges
And by our love alone we try to make me fit
Despite how awkward I sit in the picture.
It’s moments like these
That happen over and over again
That I have to wonder if what we’re doing is wrong
That our fierce loyalty will be the thing that breaks us
Our unwillingness to let go.
Our fingers bleed and our joints scream
As we cling ever tighter as the tension mounts
Why do you not feel it too?
What is wrong with me? Why can’t the one be you?
I decay when I think of it
And my eyes burn with tears
‘Not ma coeur’ my heart sobs
‘We thought he was here to stay’.
And oh how I love him
Language and words cannot describe.
My desiccated soul finding life in his arms,
Only living because he thought I tasted so alive.
But I love him,
I know that now and I cannot doubt it.
He is my last thought when I sleep, the face of my dreams, the sound to greet me when I wake.
I hear my spirit humming when I’m sleepy breathing by his side,
In strange hours of the morning, the golden shades of him washing over me and smoothing my cares away,
His voice soothes my broken mind and draws me in to stillness,
And the curl of his lips, the lifting of his cheeks, his laugh lifts my sodden feet to flight.
I war, I war
battle worn, I find home and rest in him.
That crescendo of his door, the flood of beckoning golden light,
his silhouette reaching for me, wrapped in deep indigo and evening velvet, to sunless summer.
As i am encompassed about,
He runs his hands over me, like he’s following trails on a map,
He breathes into my hair like he’s smelling the sweetest rose.
He kisses me softly.
I listen to his heart beat, feel the warmth of him against my cheek. He smells like home.
But sometimes he holds me like I’m made of soap and sand,
Like I’ll slip away at any moment.
Sometimes he holds me like he’s too tired to stand, and having me in his arms is too great a chore.
Sometimes he holds me like I’m a stranger made of wood and nails,
rigid and foreign to touch,
Sometimes he holds me like an addict to his bottle,
desperate and unquenchable.
Sometimes he holds me like I am the last story he wants to tell, the only name he wants on his lips, the only future he could ever need.
Ah and those are just some of the times I have to wonder.
Maybe the choice ahead feels so heavy
Because we know where it leads,
Should I choose,
Instead of our love,
To save
Myself.
Dec 29, 2017
Dec 29, 2017 at 9:10 PM UTC
Sometimes I wish you had something to say
Just anything
Anything
Give me nonsense
Give me sorrow
Give me jokes
Give me words that have no meaning
Just give me
Something
We sit in silence
That dreaded and loathsome silence
Even though it was you who called
It’s not the first time I have wondered
Why
You even called at all
If this very act was built for talking
Why you can do nothing
But wait
Lips closed
In silence.
Wait for me to fill the voids you leave
To smooth the lapses in our speech
To hide the weakness together we seem to make
A lack of conversation
A lack of something to say
I was glad you called
I expect the silence but fail to get used to it
Fail not to be wounded by it
All I wanted was to talk to you today
Fall into the arms that hold me safe
Steady
And let all my worries fade away
With every beat of your heart
But that old complaint
The same one that keeps surfacing
Despite the excuses I make
Rise again
"Tell me something good"
I beg,
A desperate plea for help.
As her blackened jaws close around me
Her cold teeth sinking deep
As she tears chunks of me away
And you pause
Deafeningly.
"Give me something, anything"
"Give me something to save me from her!"
My heart cries to you, Ma Coeur for deliverance.
But
All I can hear is her sickening sound
As you scramble
Over the wall rising between us
To say
‘I don’t have anything to say’.
I know it’s unfair
To have laid so much hope upon you
To believe you could save me from this.
My hope has wounded me more than your silence ever did.
And it’s not a problem to you
Your lifeblood doesn’t run with letters
There’s always words with me, in strange shapes sometimes only I want to know and other times
Pouring from me in cascades.
The times I flood and empty
Sustains us
But the creeks are running dry
My veins shrivel up
And I wonder why it never just
Flows
Easy and effortless
Between us
And the saddest fear haunts my mind
That this weakness will break us with time.
This lack of words will eat our love alive
Perhaps sooner if she keeps consuming me
Mouthfuls at a time.
I know it’s
Just who you are.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
But in the pain of my dashed last hopes
I dismiss you,
‘You knew you’d find no comfort here. He can never offer you those words you need. He’s not built like that’
But knowing offers me no respite
From the crushing weight
Of my disappointment descending
With the final close
Of her jaws.
I am alone
I am lost in the darkness
Again
Ma Coeur Ma Coeur
Where are you
Voiceless
I cry for help
Thinly veiled in our strained phone call
And how I wish I knew
how to make you
hear me.
Ma Coeur Ma Coeur
Where are you
"Return to dust"
She commands me
Her voice grating against my senses
Her jaws twisting sickeningly
Distorting and changing me.
I weep and tremble
And call for you
As if by some miracle
You’d suddenly be able to hear me
As if, if you heard me
You’d be able to save me.
My Heart Ma Coeur
Help me.
Reduced to weeping
Knowing you’ll never have
what I need to
Survive her.
But
Heavy and lost
I still call for you
Stupidly
Pathetically
Over and over and over
Even
As my voice cuts off
When she swallows me
Completely.
Dec 29, 2017
Dec 29, 2017 at 8:52 PM UTC
There’s no trace
Of ice or burning
Not a shade of fear or darkness
I am used to shadows
Having lived as one
Under their hands
So I can’t help but to look for them
Wrapped in your arms
Surrounded by summer
I can’t trust the light
For fear
The dark
Will catch me believing
Dec 29, 2017
Dec 29, 2017 at 8:07 PM UTC
I am a woman falling in love
Have you ever seen a broken glass try to move
Rather than reaching somewhere all at once were it whole
It gets there instead
Piece by piece
And I feel my pieces
Collecting in you
Dec 29, 2017
Dec 29, 2017 at 7:36 PM UTC