#internalized
I learned God’s name
before I learned my own
I ask forgiveness for love
that has never harmed anyone
Sometimes I wonder
if Jesus would recognize the fear
we built in His name
If He would sit beside me quietly
while I learn to breathe without shame
Some days I wonder
if God is real at all
or just a voice we invented
to make us keep going
but its making me want
to stop If God is love
then maybe one day
I won’t have to choose
between heaven and myself
Jan 22
Jan 22, 2026 at 12:39 PM UTC
My dear friend.
I have learned much from you,
Mostly, I have learned to be free.
I remember the shame of my queerness,
I had excepted it- not embraced it.
*** warped my brain at a young age,
I blocked it out.
You were out experiencing,
You found joy in forbidden kisses, just like I once did.
For a time I lived vicariously,
Tonight I changed.
Met with an older man, pleasured him, and left,
This time was different.
I felt that freedom that I had never felt,
The freedom I saw in you.
Now I sit, writing,
My heart smiles because I understand I’m home.
I’m home in my skin,
I’m home in my queerness.
Finally.
Thank you good friend,
Goodnight.
Nov 16, 2025
Nov 16, 2025 at 11:50 PM UTC
It waits until I’m almost steady.
Not at rock bottom ~
that’s too predictable.
It prefers the moment I reach for light
with both hands.
That’s when it speaks.
“Cute,”
it coos,
“You really thought clarity made you real.”
It doesn’t shout.
It purrs,
low and syrupy,
like a lullaby laced with glass.
It knows every version of me;
the ones I buried to be digestible.
It built this mind like a haunted house
and hands me the key every time I dare to leave.
“You always did mistake coherence for truth,”
it says,
dragging its nails along the walls of my thoughts.
“So good at talking. So bad at existing.”
I flinch.
It recites memories I forgot to be ashamed of.
Plays tapes I didn’t know I recorded.
Slows down the faces, the pauses,
the ones who humored me and didn’t mean it.
“Look at them smile. Look at you, lapping it up.”
It paces.
It prowls.
It pulls up a chair when I sit with someone and dare to feel seen.
Leans in and whispers,
“They’re just being kind. You’re not that hard to pity.”
It keeps me tense.
It’s not a villain.
It’s a roommate.
It knows my schedule, my preferences, my tells.
It trims my self-trust like dead ends from hair.
Efficient.
Unemotional.
Necessary.
And when I resist ~
when I say No, I felt that, I meant that,
it doesn’t argue.
It just tilts its head and says,
“You really do crave applause for surviving, don’t you?”
Then it goes quiet,
knowing I’ll crawl back
the second I start to question
what’s mine
and what’s performance.
Because between the two of us,
only one of us ever sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.
Jul 31, 2025
Jul 31, 2025 at 11:47 AM UTC
it's raining today.
i can't see it, though the raindrops creep in under my skin,
water flooding me from inside,
where was i going with this except that the drops
are asking questions about things i was so sure of, until now.
what am i to you.
what am i to me,
isn't rain supposed to cleanse ? i'm still so *****
Mar 1, 2021
Mar 1, 2021 at 4:22 AM UTC
tell me, in a gunfight, what is the probability of two bullets being fired at once? (2/6, i know, i calculated)
because i still capitalize the g in God, and i still pray every night for...
the chance that i'll stop loving you (the chance that one day you'll turn around and see me there, waiting for you)
and, in a gunfight, what is the probability of two bullets colliding (i already know- i just wanted to hear your voice)
my knees are sore, and this carpet is itchy but i still have 6 Hail Marys left and i still miss you more than anything
275,000,000- that's how many stars die in a day / that's also how many stars are born in a day isn't that cool? i looked it up just for you
i'm finished all my prayers, my knees are still sore, i climb into bed, my heart still aches, i turn off the lights.
n.o
Aug 3, 2019
Aug 3, 2019 at 4:28 PM UTC
if i tried to predict the future
if i gazed into a crystal ball
i would see nothing but my sutures
and hear not a hopeful call
my shipwrecked bones will shatter
my heart will fragment and fall
but through the former and the latter
i'll make sure nobody knows it all
Sep 18, 2015
Sep 18, 2015 at 4:47 PM UTC