#impulses
And as like the clock, who has little gears coupled to major ones in a specific motion pattern
Being even the minimum action of these the result of a previous triggering movement so intense, violent, precise, exact but at the same time, minimal, tiny, small and insignificant
Resulting in a even bigger one, like an humongous stone going deep dive into the smallest and superficial of all ponds
Everything is connected to the flow of causalities of unknown consequences who will lead to an predictable yet complex outcome
This is massive, unfathomable bigger than us, and we didn't started it, little we know how we can end it
Jul 21, 2022
Jul 21, 2022 at 2:01 PM UTC
I can't remember the last time I've known such anticipation
I had forgotten what innocence looked like
Felt like
Urging the agitated cells in my being to settle
To be patient, to resist the burning ache
The intrusive impulses
To push too fast
To hide my heart behind my body
To self-destruct
Sep 27, 2021
Sep 27, 2021 at 6:50 PM UTC
What Now?
It took me forever to choose
so I succame to impulse
dictated by MY desire
born within limitations
of my perspective
my understanding
my reach
But what choice did I have?
This subject?
That object?
choice seemed tainted
impulse felt natural
a manipulator's playground
hijacked lowjacked
jacked
The Faceless Man whispers,
"Well, you always had the choice."
but Shame speaks in ones own voice
so what now?
Sep 10, 2019
Sep 10, 2019 at 12:42 AM UTC
This morning I woke up without regret
Everything went well
My thoughts didn't cause any turmoil
My soul was at peace
Suddenly, something changed.
I was filled with anxiety
Gut-wrenching thoughts flooded in.
Maybe I should just die
Those words filled my head,
Impulses rushed through my body,
To act upon those nasty feelings
To actually take my own life.
But here I am
Barely breathing
Barely living
On the verge of ending it all.
Jun 11, 2019
Jun 11, 2019 at 11:48 AM UTC
A match, unlit, but potent, awaiting
A spark.
Impulse, unfit, but potent, awaiting
The dark.
Controlled, subdued by intimidation.
Behold! It escapes in conflagration!
Desire, unmet, but potent, and wanting
To play.
The id, unchecked, but potent, and wanting
To prey.
Dead, beaten into its subjugation.
Instead! Unchained, furious damnation!
Defense, untried, but potent, seeking
To win.
Violence, untold, but potent, seeking
To sin.
Enslaved, subject to emasculation.
Saved! Freedom, total depravation!
Dec 12, 2018
Dec 12, 2018 at 9:30 PM UTC
There was a moment, so unexpected,
When I woke, seeking just ordinary,
Resigned to loneliness, unconnected,
Our encounter—felt imaginary.
Seeking isolation, no need for lust,
Appreciation gone, beauty no more,
Passion burned, with eyes I no longer trust,
You—a seduction I’d not known before.
Pulling back from feeling, and nakedness,
All the beauty, futile, unrequited,
Choosing instead dullness, and wretchedness,
Our spark—an extinguished soul ignited.
Recoiling, fear, cursed sexuality,
Libidinous impulses, uncontrolled,
Bare, on altars of sensuality,
You—inviting love I cannot withhold.
Kiss me, hold me, bring my love in deeper,
Forgive me, embrace me, don’t let me be still,
Touch me, and own me, and be my keeper,
Your look—I resisted, but have lost my will.
Dec 11, 2018
Dec 11, 2018 at 9:45 PM UTC
that night, my stomach
cramped up the nerve to ask
if i had gotten the sick out of me,
i tossed my response
in the form of mixed media
liquids, solids,
and amongst other things,
last night's dinner
my impulses don't know
how to punctuate
there are no commas
no full stops
I'm sorry sweetheart
perhaps i should have
warned you before
but understand i don't just
want to dive in with you
i want to drown in
all the warmth
so drown with me
that night, my stomach
cramped up the nerve to ask
if i had gotten the sick out of me,
i tossed my response
in the form of mixed media
liquids, solids,
last night's dinner,
and amongst other things
his name or maybe yours
you see, i remember
all the things gone bad,
conversations him and i
never got to have
but lately i've been keeping
my face towards the sunlight
my entire being is reacting,
making metaphors out of
12 a.m vomiting incidents,
my entire being is reacting
even when my body is still,
i am still trying my very best
to get the sick out of me.
- Crimsyy
a/n: thankyou for reading! for anyone who's wondering, the 12 a.m vomiting incident that inspired this entire poem did actually happen and it was terrible. Hopefully the poem is better (:
Oct 14, 2017
Oct 14, 2017 at 10:06 AM UTC
Early too early
I wanna sleep
But something is burning
Right in the deep
The thoughts, the ideas
Are crossing my mind
How long will they stay
I have to decide
They are impolite
I won't ever miss them
But they'll keep on coming
Again and again
With every visit
They'll put a weird pressure
On me
Like when you're in desert
And have to keep water
Until you see a village
Whith a certain relief
Sometimes I managed
To empty the bottle
Because I was certain
There was a fountain
But when I came closer
The hope broke all over
It was just another mirage
In my brain.
And they keep on visiting me again.
Jan 28, 2017
Jan 28, 2017 at 12:56 PM UTC
Go to sleep, my love.
This ambulance is not for us.
Although, I suppose it could be,
following dark impulses.
Its sirens screaming of hell,
tearing pell-mell in a night
not tinged by blood –
no crime committed for want or violence,
only help arrived too late
to save us. It would go silent then,
as we have been silenced,
locked in a terrible tableau.
You, still, curled around my heart,
me having found for us oblivion.
Oct 8, 2016
Oct 8, 2016 at 7:13 AM UTC
I was driving home late at night
after I crashed on my friend's couch in the middle of a movie
hands less on 10&2 and more on 7&5
mind less on the road and more on my speed
how easy it would be to stop steering, to just
crash into something.
When the light turns green I hallucinate headlights in my rearview,
but when I look back there's nothing but black asphalt following me.
Look, Mom, no hands.
Look, Mom:
No hands.
Mar 12, 2016
Mar 12, 2016 at 8:29 PM UTC
But this is only for tonight
Only this chance
Only here in this moment & only for this space and time
We won't be able to try again
Come morning we'll exit here
and I'll dissappear
We'll have this one memory
this one chance
It's only us
Only here
Only this moment
Only for this space and time
We'll make it last & make it sweet
You'll be satisfied
I'll be content with it all baby
And never again
can we repeat what we do here
So take your time
Enjoy every fiber of us
every touch moan & screams
Love me like you'll never see me again because you won't
Since I'll only do this once
ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT
Dec 24, 2015
Dec 24, 2015 at 12:29 PM UTC
Insert possible Trigger Warning for my fuckity bluntness today
God knows if you've read a lot of my work, you know I am all about the metaphors and symbolism and all of that, right? I twist everything into run on sentences of Wonderland madness and all of that.
Well, today, **** that.
You heard me. **** my words and my poetry, today we are being blunt, as blunt as a person who feels uncomfortable at the mere mention of some words when she's feeling down. But this isn't about me right now. Well it is, but not. Anyway, here we go.
You know what ******* *****
Suicidal thoughts. And thoughts of cutting. And insane impulses. And moving vehicles and how nice it sounds to jump in front of one sometimes, even if its simply because you want to know what it feels like.
I lie a lot, ok? I am probably able to be diagnosed as a pathological liar at this point, if we want to be ******* honest for once, because I am so scared of terrifying people and hurting them and making them feel bad that I keep the truth inside. I tell snippets or water-downed versions, but I literally want to bash my skull in half the time from unwanted impulses or put myself in a straight-jacket for how nice causing myself pain sounds. Its crazy, I know its crazy, but its my head and its me and that's a hard thing to live with when saying 'I'm not like the other girls' stops being a fashion statement and turns into a curse.
Impulses and impulsiveness in general is not ******* cute, ok? I look at a car and I want to run into it. I see any attractive person and I wonder what it would be like to flirt and kiss and see their body naked. I see a train and wonder what it would be like to run away. I finish a book and I want to publish and quit school and be a full time author with half a writing degree. I see a knife and I wonder what it'd be like to stab someone with it. I am not suicidal or nymphomaniac or a murderer, and I don't truly want to do any of these, but the ******* impulses. In that moment its the only thing that sounds like a good idea, and I feel my body pull towards it. Just one step into the street, just a few hours of running away, just a little cut. I all ******* sick and I know it but its my head and though I control them better now I can't stop them.
I can't change people either. And because of my fuckity condition of moods and impulses if I get sad and get a suicidal impulse, it latches on like a ***** And I want it to stop and I want to feel better and I want help, but how do you tell your friends that the one little sentence they said turned you into a death-seeking mess?
I'm broken, and I'm ******* hella crazy, but I still want to be human. I want to be treated like I'm a person and not a ticking time bomb. I hate telling people anything going on in my head because I don't want to be treated like I'm some invalid. I am valid, I am real, and I don't deserve to be treated like a monster when I never do anything, I just have these ******* impulses.
**** **** **** **** impulses.
I hate impulses.
I am fully aware I'd feel empty without my range of emotion, but can the impulses go away, please? I don't want to even contemplate cheating on my boyfriend when its nothing that I want, I don't want to be afraid the impulses might get me to jump off the nearest bridge, and I don't want to cut my wrists.
I am fully aware people can't always get what they want, but why the hell do I have to fight a raging hell-monster that whispers all the things no one should do? Why do I get that special ******* pleasure? If this is some sort of 'gift' to make me stronger, guess what? I. Don't. Want. It.
I just want to be a normal quirky girl who's a little emotional and likes to write stories. Why is that such a hard dream?
And by the way?
I still ******* hate impulses.
Sep 7, 2015
Sep 7, 2015 at 1:51 PM UTC
i failed once again
my impulses take control
i find no reason to fight it
i fell like ive lost it all
the demons
come creeping back in
they help me pick up the razor
and put it against my skin
one little line
soon becomes more
its not long before
the drips hit the floor
im falling down
back into old habits
its a neverending fall
into neverending pits
it's time for me to go now
the gashes need to heal
ive been torn and torn myself up
none of this seems real
Jan 24, 2015
Jan 24, 2015 at 4:07 AM UTC
Freedom,
Like the rain, it washes all away
Past memories, horrors - everything is rinsed away; relief remains.
It feels like sand between your toes,
Leaving you lost in your impulsive throes.
Freedom,
In her dissolving smiles,
Her mischievous flirts,
Her sweet small skirts...
You've missed her for so long...
The touch of her spine,
The caress of her thighs,
The weightless good byes--
*Ah! Freedom, she smells like rain...*
Sep 6, 2014
Sep 6, 2014 at 1:36 AM UTC
It started one night;
We talked into the night,
Till after the midnight,
I saw the Light,
Beyond the darkest night.
Since that faithful night,
Now I want more nights.
It’s almost midnight,
Yet I can’t sleep tight.
Don’t say goodnight,
For it’s a bad night,
Because after that first night
I don’t sleep again at night.
I can’t dream light,
Nor snore right.
Sweet One of the night,
You’re all I need for a good night.
Stay with me for one more night,
Let me give you the best Night of all nights.
I’ve waited, wanted and rehearsed for this night.
Let me take you to the stars of the night,
And beyond the dark lights,
Where you’ve never been before, for after this one night,
You’ll never run away for all nights.
Fairest of the night,
Fear not one more try won’t hurt an ant.
Are you scared Beautiful One of the night?
Its midnight
The best time
To say this rhyme
Desire I only you
Require I just you
Can’t do without you
All me want is you
For me alone its you
Anywhere I’ll go for you
Everywhere I’ll go with you
In me is only you
For I am with you
Now pray this rhyme
For it’s the best time
Cos it’s Midnight
Like that night…
Jan 15, 2014
Jan 15, 2014 at 8:54 AM UTC
Beyond the butterfly feelings
In the whirlwind of our intimacy
A full option sensual desire
Distance distancing distance
All at once till we hit the ******
The zenith of pleasures and feels
Like the breakthrough of Miracles
Sounds of Soughs, ex and in hales
Hot Moments of breathlessness
Scratches of speechlessness
Mouth agape, dead-in-moments
long squeezes, short grips, sweats
Body vibrating, breath whispering
Emotions revealing, turn ons
Passions imploding, hard ons
Intense kinetic motions of kardias
Slippery shining fleshy mammalians
Till the moment of implosion: ******
That sweet ecstasy moment when
all that exists is what you feel
Nov 27, 2012
Nov 27, 2012 at 10:09 AM UTC
I go mad that I might see the world around me anew
Growing up and being taught everything even the things I fear
Yes the things I fear, love and hate… we are all first taught it all
What to fear, what to love, what to hate.. this is my understanding
Of the madness I encounter everyday…
I go mad that the world around me may accept me for a sanity’s insanity
Dressed in naked’s flesh and being glorified as the highest fad in vogue
For even my flesh feels no more shame, as Adam and Eve felt same
Oh! I go mad for the love of Steve rather Eve becoming Adam’s ribs
How beit? “From the beginning it was not so” why make it so now
Will Jonah’s good luck bill save our nation’s repulsive ills and acts?
How long will mercy deter us from the brimstone exodus of the Gomorrah’s?
I go mad for loved ones that show love for the personal preferential from loved ones
How much of this personal preferential love actually makes the world go round
Brothers killing brothers, how cold our love has waxed...
Jan 29, 2014
Jan 29, 2014 at 8:48 AM UTC
No Bargain; No Ills
Her deep dark twin
ain't got a spin if she
doesn't spill, so chill
No Deals; No Seals
I'm not sorry for her
hurt, hate and hostility
I'm not the pain, never was
so don't take it out on me
I'm just not Her Beautiful
In the Wind nor Within
She wouldn't let me be
No Hunt; No Kills
She was hurt long before i came
Now a hard, cold, cynical
woman incapable of expressing
Love is a decision she can change
No Soul; No Love
Her body calls but her heart curses
I was once there; yea I really was
Clouded also in my high end darkness
Even the Deepest Darkest agony
only goes when we let go
"he should let it go"
this is for her not for me
No Wrongs; No Worth
less I take a chill...
and utter my guilt
Yes, i did wrongs
I never meant
but we had an agreement
"let go if we don't flow"
ice don't melt on ice
from our cradle in the
Cream Castle till now
"where's the love we made"?
one rekindled after the hay
No Confidence; No Evidence
As you lay your bed ...
never test your flares and
fears in frightening ferries
No Forgiveness; No Blessedness
I can't forget nor would you
yet let it remind us how wrong we went
so we don't go down that path again
Apr 22, 2014
Apr 22, 2014 at 11:08 AM UTC