#ihatemyself
the cool air brushes your shoulder,
leaving a shiver down your spine.
the thin clouds dance in the stars.
the cold wet grass beneath your feet,
and the mud in between your toes.
it’s odd time,
a feeling of being watched and discomfort ,
but something in it is soo
calm.
like nothing in the world can touch you
where ,
the air numbs your pain,
the clouds and stars a dream,
the wet grass grounding,
and the mud a connection to everything, that ever was and ever will be.
when the world becomes thorns tearing at my throat,
i come here,
because twilight is the unsettling comfort,
and twilight hides all.
Mar 1
Mar 1, 2026 at 9:08 AM UTC
when your head screams endless words of terror and judgement
when all the noise stirs a fog settling behind your eyes
you push it to the back
try to hide it
as the fog takes over
it keeps forming
until all that is left is a weightless lifting you over the edge of your sanity
Feb 23
Feb 23, 2026 at 6:22 PM UTC
Isolating myself.
doing whatever it takes to keep that distant feeling from sinking farther into my stomach
the moss yields under my step
(i fall deeper)
the wind whispers in my ears
(my vision blurs)
my knees hit the leafy ground
the thorns claw at my chest
(they wrap my rib cage)
The tree roots strangle my throat
and then its calm
i am once again running through the woods
Feb 23
Feb 23, 2026 at 6:12 PM UTC
do you want us to paint pain with sugar and spices ,
light the candle , pass the flame , no matter if it burns ,
because you ' d rather ignore the lyrics ,
and now the candle ' s burn ' t down ,
and we ' ve been paint ' d with gold ,
rich with the suffering of millions and the silenced screams ,
because you refuse to confront the mirr ' r
that faces the wall ,
in the corner of your blindfolded room .
aren ' t
you
proud ?
seraph ?
Jan 14
Jan 14, 2026 at 10:47 PM UTC
i ' ve become something animal ,
inhuman ,
climbing waves of disgust ,
painting myself in mud .
a desperate attempt to become undesirable again .
nocturnal and alone .
you ' re gripping , groping , crawling , stroking , clawing , writhing ,
the maggots are
playing
their game
again .
larvae laughing up my thighs ,
creep over me ,
as i attempt to squeeze to ash
any form of desire
i ' ve left in my broken body
Jan 14
Jan 14, 2026 at 10:37 PM UTC
you wake up
it feels weird, as if the life is sloughing off of you in pools of broken skin
and white waiting rooms
the catheter in your arm hurts
(you think)
(actually, you're not quite sure)
(nothing feels anymore)
there are bandages on your arms
and needles in your shoulder
(who took me here)
(i didn't want to be)
(anything)
(anymore)
they ask you why you did this
they ask you if you were trying to **** yourself
(as if they couldn't tell)
you get the same depression screener again.
you've gotten it hundreds of times already
you sleep
you wake up
watch tv
eat a crumb or two of the stale breakfast cereal they had before.
get your meds
(they don't really work anymore)
"wake up"
you didn't want to
Dec 12, 2025
Dec 12, 2025 at 12:10 PM UTC
i wish i wasn't so ******* jealous
you deserve better than me
why the **** am i having a breakdown
because you hung out with someone else
it's so ******* selfish
and i know you're my friend,
and that you claim that nothing in the world
could change that,
but something could.
you're just saying that to make me feel better
i know what it is
you pity me, don't you?
you think i don't see it,
how you're constantly too nice
but you've never actually liked me
you're just nice because you think
i'll have no one else without you
i don't need you.
i can handle everything on my own
i don't need anyone
wait
come back
i didn't really mean that
Oct 28, 2025
Oct 28, 2025 at 12:14 PM UTC
[ i miss us ]
[ the playground we went to
near your house, when it got
dark out ]
[ messing around at lunch ]
[ the smell of your house ]
[ sitting on the storage container
in the field ]
[ imagining what life would be like
if (when) we finally got away ]
[ i don't like this new space ]
[ but i guess it was meant to be ]
Oct 22, 2025
Oct 22, 2025 at 9:50 AM UTC
to younger me
i wish i could tell you it gets better
i wish i could tell you that we come out of our shell
that we start being a good person
that the numbness goes away
but we get friends
but we're more lost than ever
maybe someday in twenty years
we'll feel okay
maybe someday in twenty years
we won't be at all
to older me
are we still there?
do we feel better yet?
has it finally stopped?
do we get meds?
do we get to transition?
(god i want estrogen)
are we alone yet?
i hope not.
do we hurt more?
do we hurt others?
do we still have a good fashion sense?
or do you think of me as cringey and weird?
are we okay yet?
do we deserve to be?
Sep 26, 2025
Sep 26, 2025 at 9:44 AM UTC
#1 get out of bed
#2 get dressed
#3 practice smiling in the mirror
#4 cut
#5 count your steps on the carpet
curtain's almost up
#6 hide the dark circles
#7 pretend everything's okay
#8 cover the tear tracks
#9 shove down the sadness
#10 silence the screams
time's up
curtains open
camera rolling
Aug 29, 2025
Aug 29, 2025 at 12:10 PM UTC
there was a boy with scars once
he had anger
years of red hot gum stuck in his furnace of teeth
the mirror of his mouth protecting his soul
like thread knotted
twisting
twisting
s n a p .
he punched the mirror
and the glass fangs swallowed his heart
there was a child made of flowers once
the fangs are still embedded in their ribcage,
but now flowers grow from their scars,
sedum and chrysanthemums
sprouting for all to see
but every morning,
the flowers are carefully glued on,
so the scars underneath don't exist
once, there was a girl made of thorns
she glides on the wind,
the forest echoing her name
(because there was always someone calling)
she comes and goes,
a child of the road
never a home, always a house
once upon a time, the girl made of thorns and the child made of flowers were one,
and the thorns taught the flowers to take pride in their scars,
as the flowers taught the thorns to push back the glass monsters,
(but leave the fangs so you never forget)
Jul 31, 2025
Jul 31, 2025 at 7:59 AM UTC
my mouth burns
since i was young i was taught to please,
taught to hold the flames in my gums
and let them burn my flesh
for the sake of others
the words i have eaten rise like flames in my throat,
scorching every bite i take
like it was my fault
the charred teeth make it hard to eat
so i stopped
(it did wonders for my figure)
(at least, that's what they said)
the root of my teeth turns green with rot,
until it's indistinguishable from the bile in the sink
their opinions served to me on a silver platter,
red and pulsing organs matching the scarlet scars
on my wrist and in my mouth
this life was given to me,
this heirloom passed down,
so everyone gets to feel the weight
of wanting to be needed
and needing to be wanted
when the opinions go uneaten
(i'm full on my own)
the heart goes unbeaten
(why should i help you)
the response unsweetened
(you're not helping)
and the meat reacts
(violently)
so the scars are ignored,
the burning mouth and charred teeth unnoticed.
their rotting flesh is painted red
Jul 18, 2025
Jul 18, 2025 at 8:32 PM UTC
why did you leave
why is it always me
why am i the sick one
why are you always perfect
why should i have known
why didn't you tell me before
i didn't understand
i didn't know what i was doing wrong
and now it's going to happen all over again
why did you leave me
and why didn't i deserve to be okay?
Jul 13, 2025
Jul 13, 2025 at 8:59 PM UTC
i've always wondered what it would feel like to stitch my skin open
to have control over myself
finally
to reshape my body
by cutting away at parts
and stitching in others
will the silk thread
and red-hot needle
bear the weight of my troubles
or will it snap
and my stitches come undone
Jul 13, 2025
Jul 13, 2025 at 8:46 PM UTC
don't touch me
i'm scared of what will happen
if i forget to not feel
and if you get too close
and you pull away
i'm scared that i'll finally break
Jul 8, 2025
Jul 8, 2025 at 11:16 AM UTC
i tried so hard
please forgive me mom
im sorry
im
so
so
sorry
Jul 4, 2025
Jul 4, 2025 at 6:14 PM UTC
it happened again
the bathroom floor is covered in blood
mom help
i'm stuck in my nightmare
how do i get out?
Jul 4, 2025
Jul 4, 2025 at 4:53 PM UTC
what an ugly person.
they look so stupid.
it makes me angry.
i want to **** them.
why do they still live?
they don't deserve to.
i punch them,
and the mirror shatters,
the shards lined with blood.
Jun 12, 2025
Jun 12, 2025 at 8:52 AM UTC
my greatest fear
is that i will forever be the friend
left behind,
the one uninvited
with friends, but always alone
i'm scared to let people in
not because of the damage you'll do,
but the damage you'll find
what happens if i never become
someone's "someone?"
will i just be no one?
i'm scared that you will see past my lying smile,
and realize that the little girl
waltzing on broken glass
is all i will ever be
my greatest fear is that
you see me the way i
see myself
Jun 3, 2025
Jun 3, 2025 at 9:52 PM UTC
i pull the silver brush
against the pale peach
the red drips
through the canvas
Jun 3, 2025
Jun 3, 2025 at 9:48 PM UTC
maybe if i get bad enough
you'll see why i hurt
maybe you'll notice the bruises
maybe you'll notice the scars
if i destroy my life enough
will you finally understand
i
need
help
May 29, 2025
May 29, 2025 at 2:35 PM UTC
will you help me when i'm more scar than skin
or will you leave like the others
disgusted by me
May 20, 2025
May 20, 2025 at 8:38 AM UTC
echoes of forgiveness screech through the wood with bark knotted flesh and leaves constructed of artificial veins as the ashes of what we were burn down but the forest is still alive the woods are alive why are they still alive why do they get to live when you did this but now the blood is drying and the woods are gone and everything is gone and i'm gone but you're still there because you're perfect and can do no wrong and i'm the ****** up one why why why why why do you get to stay when i leave why do you get to continue and turn the page while lightning strikes the tree i tied myself to but oh no no i don't die no but the lightning strikes again and again and again and again until i wish i was dead again and i wish you were dead again and everything's gone why would you do this how could you do this but now its gone and we're gone and the world has fallen off its axis but at least the woods are dead and the blood is dried and the flesh is petrified and it can't hurt if i can't feel it or see it or touch it or taste it or smell it anymore
right?
but i cried a river for you then you held me underwater drowned me in my own suffering 'til i couldn't breathe but my lungs are getting stronger and the light is getting brighter and the voices are getting louder why are they still so loud how are they getting louder i tried to forget i tried to leave it behind but it followed me to the ends of the earth and i'm looking over the edge into the abyss considering jumping because your voice won't leave and her voice won't leave and i see her everywhere but she's gone into the woods but now we're the ones lost but what happened to "we" because now it's just you you you you standing on her grave proclaiming your hatred for the world but then the dirt falls open and the old you is gone where did you go you were fun and nice and worth it but now you're lost and i made it out why did it take me?
why me?
because once it's locked in the jar lit with our ashes and buried in the dead woods who will remember us who will remember us in 100 years why would anyone remember us when there is no "us" anymore right? right?! because that's what you said but now you're gone and i'm bleeding from the hole you left in my chest when you walked over me on your way out you didn't care you didn't care at all but now i'm bleeding out on a bathroom floor sobbing daily with scarred wrists because of you and we and us and me and the Everything that feels so big it could crush us but there is no "us" anymore now it's just me with the weight of the globe you broke on my shoulder and i know its not your fault but it certainly feels that way and now i'm the bad guy because you tied me to the tree and it lit up in flames so now i'm burning and my ashes will be blown away until we are forgotten too because who are we without others who are we if no one remembers us who will care but you when i'm gone?
oh right
you don't
sorry
i forgot
May 10, 2025
May 10, 2025 at 10:05 PM UTC
skin stretched over bone
nearly translucent
almost disappearing
fainting
dizzy
falling
falling
falling
falling
Apr 1, 2025
Apr 1, 2025 at 1:14 PM UTC
wandering through the woods
the darkness all-consuming
holding the shards of a life lived
and dreams exhausted
the voices whisper
NO STOP PIECE ME BACK
PLEASE PLEASE
PLEASE
but the glass cuts
so it's dropped
falling
Apr 1, 2025
Apr 1, 2025 at 2:27 PM UTC