#idontevenknow
My eye is twitching always
It didn't before
I wonder if something changed
Nov 9, 2024
Nov 9, 2024 at 8:56 PM UTC
I can't write in the silence.
I write best, when there is music playing through my headphones.
When, part of my brain is preoccupied singing along to whatever is on the radio-
and to some that may seem counterproductive.
It's like suddenly, my inhibitions and fears of saying the wrong thing disappear and I can write freely.
Like being drunk, without the consequences.
I wish I was in the point in my life, I could simply say the words I need to say, instead of typing them.
Jun 3, 2018
Jun 3, 2018 at 8:04 PM UTC
The light sang in her ears
Sprightly, musical white light.
The salt made her feet tingle
Steaming, soothing salt.
Glass drenched everything
Twisting, summery glass.
Soundful silence
Rueful bliss
Placid insanity
Jun 24, 2017
Jun 24, 2017 at 4:34 AM UTC
If you've ever woken up in the dead of night
Feeling like you had to scream and howl
And you frantically start to gasp and write
Knowing you need to get everything out
Only to try and show it to the world the next day
And run when someone looks near you
Well, then you know just how my day
Looks if seen from my view
If you've ever written lyrics for all
To see, posting work anonymously
Feeling like you could swim over falls
And live your life courageously
And then you awake in the late evening
Because it's either the world's end or a branch on a pane
I don't have to explain exactly what I'm meaning
Because you and I feel the same
If you've ever known you're going mad
Even though you try to deny it
And then you wonder if it's actually bad
Later, you actually know it
But you don't dare to say anything
Because it will destroy your path and dreams
Then, I think you'll understand
Just what the hell I mean
Jun 12, 2017
Jun 12, 2017 at 9:41 AM UTC
i think i kinda like you
just a little too much.
i'm not gonna tell you about this
little infatuation
but i feel warm when
you smile because of me,
and my cheeks ache with grinning
when you laugh at something i do.
i told myself i never would,
know all the reasons why i
never should fall for you;
we're just not made like that.
this is... don't read into it
preferably? don't read it at all
this is something i've
considered for a long while
i'll laugh it off, call you my-
well, that'd be obvious
ruining us is the last thing
on my mind; but you
are the first thing on my mind
most days
god, i hate this. i'm so sorry.
i didn't mean to
i didn't mean to get confused about us
i didn't mean to wonder
mostly, i don't know how i feel
maybe i'm confusing friendship with romance
but i do know this:
your lips are ones i'd like to kiss
May 8, 2017
May 8, 2017 at 8:48 PM UTC
So, I guess I'll start by saying that I have not done much to accomplish my goal of staying awake. I mean, usually I can just will power my way through it. But that doesn't always work. And I don't expect it to.
Second thing, I have no idea how to combat my sleep patterns. I mean it's sort of unpredictable and inconsistent. So maybe I will sleep just because. Not because I want to, but because I can.
And my current situation is sort of battling that decision of "sleep of no sleep".
Anyways...
It's a process that I'd rather not go through at the moment. So the sleep aside, I think that excitement of getting to Paris is nothing short of overwhelming.
but the curiosity of what it's going to be like is a weird thrill. Wondering what it'll be like to live there for a week. I'm still sort of nervous about it all and I'm still getting used to the though of it all.
So I guess I won't have much more to say until we actually get there. And I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to get there.
Apr 21, 2017
Apr 21, 2017 at 2:19 AM UTC
There's a guy I know who once used an entire 2nd period class to draw out his entire family line on the white board.
He explains in great detail the divorces, the half siblings, the brothers he truly cares for. And you forget that somewhere in this family tree, he exists.
And he talks....and talks....
It gets to a point where you forget he's monologing.
He stops talking about and slowly begins talking about his view on love and relationships. I forget that he comes from a somewhat messed up family.
I mean, I'm still optimistic about love. So much so that I forget that people don't see the world the way I do.
And he is... not as optimistic about love.
Or rather, he just doesn't see love as an opportunity worth chasing. He explains it as, "I can develop feelings for someone, but I don't act on them because I don't see the point."
Or something like that...
And well, I can't think like that.
So I'll leave this mindset here. I guess it's something worth talking about. I guess...
Apr 20, 2017
Apr 20, 2017 at 7:34 AM UTC
Alright, alright...
Let's me be honest when I call myself out for being a narcissist.
Because I am a narcissist when it comes to things like music, or poetry, or worldview.
In short, I'm pretty terrible.
But in my narcissism, there is a bit of a God complex.
Feeling like I am invincible and unshakable. Like no one is above me and like nobody can possibly be in my way.
Like I am in control of everything.
Like God.
But definitely not like God.
I try to pull myself away from that kind of thinking because it dehumanizes me. It makes me something I don't want people to see.
It doesn't matter if I enjoy the insanity while it overtakes my body because eventually I will come to realize that this is not the life I want.
That I am better than this.
I mean...
Am I not better?
I don't know.
God?
Can you tell me?
Apr 20, 2017
Apr 20, 2017 at 5:30 AM UTC
Throughout our lives we develop our personality and our complicated states of mind.
And yet we still end up believing in our personal causes like it's world law. And sure, that may the most narcissistic thing I can think of right now, but it's my life is it not?
And yes, a lot of what I just said doesn't make complete sense.
So...
Just bare with me.
I just went through hell.
And it takes the bravest and best of us to come back from that.
You may not know what happened to me, so I'll pick apart my psyche so that maybe I can understand what happened to me.
So here we go.
Stick around if you want the details.
Apr 19, 2017
Apr 19, 2017 at 10:54 PM UTC
and they told me to breath
and they said it'd be fine
each day gets better
darkness passes with time
but life is a circle
and it still comes around
so here i am waiting
and i finally found
this ******** they spew
about love and the truth
my head cant wrap around
the ignorance ive found
so i gather my thoughts
and i tie them with string
and i hide them inside
till the day when i say
the darkness did win
Dec 15, 2016
Dec 15, 2016 at 9:26 PM UTC
So a guy asked me out the other day, but I was so scared he'd be too much like you that I said "no," and I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult anymore.
May 30, 2015
May 30, 2015 at 2:46 AM UTC
Am I the only one
to see the darkness in your eyes,
to feel the hatred in disguise,
to hear the noise inside your head
that punctures walls and words unsaid,
to linger more each passing day,
and pick up thorns you throw away,
to bridge the gap, to fill the void,
to build the walls that were destroyed,
to find the sun within your night
and bathe you with this unseen light,
to crush your dreams and break your heart
and keep the pieces of your world
torn apart
And so I ask, am I the one
or am I just another
work undone?
Apr 3, 2015
Apr 3, 2015 at 12:48 PM UTC
let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.
well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.
kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a piece of **** then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.
so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..
side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.
Feb 17, 2015
Feb 17, 2015 at 12:40 AM UTC
How much can you love someone?
why cant I just leave and be done?
why do I have so many questions..
not a doctor but I think I have depression.
Im stuck, inlove and in pain.
I once took a blade to my vain.
I wanted it to stop.
I just felt sad enough to drop.
I was blinded by a boy.
who acted like I was nothing but a whorish toy.
I still loved him, it could have just been the fact that he was my first.
I hated myself I hated him but he was the answer to my thirst.
How do you get ride of your thoughts.
the one that for the longest of time you fought.
it is shameful I know this but it is also a lesson.
even if its all done you can feel the lingering essen.
Jan 8, 2015
Jan 8, 2015 at 9:37 PM UTC
it's not right.
for you or for me.
but regardless,
here we are.
and there we go.
it's not right.
but it's right here.
so here we are.
and we'll never go back.
Oct 14, 2014
Oct 14, 2014 at 10:26 PM UTC
You made me
something..
Taught me what it truly
meant to be
blissfully and actually,
acutely,
happy.
Things changed.
Sometimes...
not so perfectly..
always aware of me.
It was falling apart ever so slightly
But you made me
happy.
You made me
unhappy.
Both working
in harmony.
Things change.
Today I think you’re happy.
And today there’s me,
surviving miserably,
uncontently,
but voluntarily,
To the whisper “not meant to be”
You've found someone new and shiny,
Better than me-
convincingly.
I miss what we used to be.
I wish we could be.
I hope you’re happy.
I will be.
eventually.
Oct 10, 2014
Oct 10, 2014 at 2:09 AM UTC
i can give you
everything
that you want
except
my heart.
May 12, 2014
May 12, 2014 at 3:47 AM UTC
Since then, I've been better.
Looking back now
I realize just how sad I made myself.
I should have been letting them in
I should have been trying to be happy.
But I realize now that I wanted to feel sad.
Feeling sad, it was my poor excuse at a now.
I wanted to be something, so I became a monster.
Only it was too late that I realized I always have been.
Now that I'm letting them in,
I feel happy.
I feel slightly less lonely.
Slightly
There are still those days,
when too many things are running through my head.
All I can think is, "get your razor."
And I'll wait, until it's dark in my room,
until the sun has gone down.
It doesn't happen as much anymore.
They help......my friends.
Friends that I was keeping at a distance before,
Afraid that they'd leave as soon as I let them in.
But they're still here, they're still the same.
Only now there's less hurt.
Before it was hurt, witty words and playful fists.
Empty threats and I hate you's.
Now we have more hugs,
because I finally hugged back.
And she was so surprised.
Now he smiles at me, and I feel butterflies.
But I also feel shame.
Because he used to belong to her.
Even before he did.
They were best friends for years, she'd loved him....
Does she Love him still?
Do I?
Because naturally, as soon as one problem is resolved,
Another must come.
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 9:07 PM UTC
Oh universe
I love you so much
and that's why I just don't understand
why everything I touch
just seems to die
but if I could reach you
yeh if I could reach up high
I'll tell you all, I'll reach the stars
I'll reach past the sky.
And now
there's only so much minutes left in the day
and if I could reach out
I'd let my time slip away
just to be with you
oh just to be with you...
I'll tell you, that's what I'll do.
But if I could reach the stars
I'll tell you, I'd just keep going
and we'd find out where we are
because there's a simple comfort in knowing
and the stars
yeh those little lights still glowing
We've reached the end
and now we're falling apart
can't pull ourselves together
because we don't know where to start
and now we're drifting away
from each other
no signs, no way
to find one another
if we go
our seperate ways
I'll still try to find you though
and where are you
I still don't know
but inside both our hearts are dying
so...
if I reach out
will you reach for my hand
if I reach for yours
and...
you slip away
so...
we're still drifting
further and further away
oh universe...
Apr 8, 2014
Apr 8, 2014 at 11:21 PM UTC