#fixation
This poem casts a line from insomnia to morning
On the wind of a prayer that whatever bites, holds on.
See I have counted eleven score and ten,
with rainbow like curves of my neck -
contemptuous beasts leaping in formation
each bleating out a preach of vague platitudes;
A narrative for the night sky.
My hands clamour at keys for escape
until I tumble headfirst into a web so vast
it has ensnared the whole world wide -
millennials are living in-ter-net over in-the-world;
a new ultraviolence against humanity.
I beat my words into the screen until it breaks;
shattering scarlet emoticons like confetti
pouring over language as if it were a compliment.
My mind massages shapeless polypous thoughts
like tight constricted muscles aching for release.
3am casts these philosophies into horses,
whipping them into shape and speed
before the eyes of this statuesque ******
This anxious wakefulness begs my manic self to dance;
suggestively ********* tickets to ride like cleavage.
Sleep is fast becoming a neglected former engagement;
as my mind trips over fallen heroes
wades through my favourite mistakes
in a wonderland unfolding faster than I can fall
while the world beyond my window remains dark.
Apr 6, 2014
Apr 6, 2014 at 10:52 PM UTC
i’ll fixate on you
til my time is due
the waves we swam
and all we’ve been through
is never enough
to unwrite our glue
seasons may shift but I stay the same
through autumn's loss
and winter’s claim
spring may call
and summer too
Yet nothing can pull me
away
from
you.
Mar 8, 2025
Mar 8, 2025 at 12:21 AM UTC
They should really invent a place where I belong.
Not one with entirely sunshine and rainbows,
God knows I've prayed too little for that,
But one where
I fit.
I don't stand out,
But I'm still my own person
And not that me that I've shown others,
Deceived them for far too long.
My fixation with belonging
It's like a need
That will never once be met.
And I'm left starved and ravenous
For just an ounce of it
And its empty calories
Oct 11, 2024
Oct 11, 2024 at 9:58 PM UTC
I want to stop hearing from you
And take a long break, but
I see your name in number plates,
Signs on streets and mine in the blame.
When will I stop fixating on all of this pain?
Dec 26, 2023
Dec 26, 2023 at 10:47 AM UTC
I tricked a god.
now Cronus can't escape.
Sealing a god in an hourglass,
I locked time away.
To stave off my lover's date with fate.
Where she will perish, becoming lost to me.
Locked behind heaven's gate.
Cronus promises to **** me-
when i set him free.
Only with his freedom will the world reanimate.
Containing a god with dark magic;
I made a costly mistake.
Trapping him forced the world to become frozen in place.
-But I could spend forever learning
every little feature of her face.
How her frail figure fought for every breath.
The chemo for the cancer ate her weight.
Shedding the hair from her head.
I'll remain here by her side,
until I devise an alternative to what Cronus said.
stretching her final seconds into the infinite,
as she lays here in this hospital bed.
... ♾️ ...
How can i exist in a museum with one exhibit?
I tried forcing time to rewind.
I meant to spite the concept of mortality.
Instead I've been trapped here for eons,
With,her still somehow lost to me...
...I am tempted to set cronus free.
... ♾️ ...
It's been chess with two moves:
You either speak or don't speak.
I can't find another way.
I've become worn out and jaded.
Cellmates with Cronus so long,
In this temporal prison I involuntarily created.
"It's wrong to steal time.
As karma,you've had no one to spend it with.
You tricked a god, but I'll still grant you your wish.
Undo your dark magic, a swift death I promise you,
Once your soul is released from the world,
I'll cure her cancer, like i believe you intended to."
And as Cronus spoke.. i knew what i would do.
Telling him,
"I refuse to let time pass.
I refuse to release you from the hourglass.
I refuse to let her be lost to me."
I pull her in close as i grin,
Cronus accepting defeat.
"I'd rather remain here...
In a staring contest with eternity. "
-
Apr 16, 2023
Apr 16, 2023 at 1:35 AM UTC
The entrepreneurs of the Casinos sits in luxuries
reeking in the readies
be it not for them to judge
if the mugs want to gamble who are we to talk
The talentless Wasters join inadequate and retards
hiding in rampages
be it not for them to judge
the proclivities of moronism are attestations to status
The innocent sits in truth amid thieves and mudslingers
conscience untroubled
be it not for who to judge
virtue is its own reward and vengeance is of the Almighty
The fools will sizzle and cavort in foolish this and that
legacies of mindlessness
be it not for them to judge
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish for blinds sees not
Wisdom cannot be imparted
be it not for me to judge
The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions.
Oct 11, 2021
Oct 11, 2021 at 6:51 PM UTC
"SHE LOOKS INTO MY HEART."
I said to her, I
told her that
she resembles
the moon in the
midnight when
she's at her
brightest state.
She looks into
my heart when
she fixate.(s) She
resembled the
sun too and moon
were her
siblings. Because
they
glamorously shines
together.
#C9_fm
Apr 20, 2021
Apr 20, 2021 at 10:49 AM UTC
Are we perfect because there's no forever,
We can't learn to hate ourselves together.
Inside and outside show the same,
Love lust, quick release, just a game.
There is nothing there that we could cover,
No feelings that we smothered.
If it's not love then it can't hurt,
Climbing into bed without a word.
Slowing down would mean boredom,
So we're left with no time to find the problem.
The role of both a lover and friend,
A candle wick rope lit at either end.
Now, alone with time to dwell,
The idea doesn't sit quite so well.
A memory can't help the mending.
Short and sweet always has an ending.
Are you just my fixation?
A figment of some sweet imagination?
If I picked your life apart
To see what I could have known from the start,
Would I find myself happy
In the face of a reality?
Or sad? As, broken at the seams,
I see the remnants of my tentative dream.
Mar 6, 2019
Mar 6, 2019 at 5:58 AM UTC
In my memories you were so pretty the first day we met. I immediately noticed your smile as you were in awe of my team performing. I noticed your eyes as you kept your gaze trained to me.
What was it about me that kept you fixated?
I know my long hair made me look like a dork, but it wasn't too different.
So what drew you towards me?
If I ever go back and ask you, would you even remember?
Dec 19, 2018
Dec 19, 2018 at 11:05 AM UTC
Here is a response I must give but cannot give to whom must receive it.
You feed the need.
A yawning dark and deep emptiness that lies within.
devouring everything it touches
dragging to its depths
an eternity of punishing hunger, wild and intense
gnawing away at the fabric of my mind, an emptiness that desires you
your presence,your warmth, your smell, your very soul.
to placate, to fill
I crave for you.
a yearning so maddening, it is frightening
But even as you fill, you increase the emptiness. crazed and rabid, I desire you still.
an ache as tangible as it is visceral
as painful as it sooths
as though I am caught in a fevered dream
tell me my perception from your reality
you feed the need, even as you cause the hunger still.
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 5:09 PM UTC
She prefers coffee than tea
romance over action
the window seat whenever she travels
ballads than punk rock
a hopeless romantic
for cliche scenes
roses and daisies are
the favourite among all
she loves all that
yet she'll love you more
than a character in the book she reads
she'll do whatever it is to make you happy
regardless the good days or the bads
you can always count on her to be there
she makes you dizzy
she makes you think
she makes you go crazy
but you go crazier if you don't get to see her
even for a day
because you love her
you have fallen for her
the way she talks
the way she smiles
laugh
rambles on about current dramas
and gets excited everytime
her favourite artists comes out with a new single
you love her quirks
her silliness
how good of a heart she possesses
and how far she would go for the people she loves
she sees the good in people
even when they have done her wrong
she forgives because she believes in change
but she breaks
she doesn't realize that she's just human
that she has feelings
that she can't fix everybody and everything
because that is life
people step on you and make use of your goodness
so you protect her
with all you got
even if it hurts her
you protect her heart
because you love her
because it's your responsibility
to keep her happy
and protect her from the bad
J.G.S
Apr 8, 2018
Apr 8, 2018 at 9:39 AM UTC
I do not know why I love the needle
The pain as it enters my skin
I long for the sight of blood bursting into the syringe
Far more than the dangerous drugs contained within
Apr 6, 2018
Apr 6, 2018 at 9:11 PM UTC
I love the needle
They call it a "fixation"
I call it friendship
Apr 3, 2018
Apr 3, 2018 at 1:51 AM UTC
Sipping on OJ after *** after ******* on a cigarette
Night outside grows frozen as Autumn slips into Winter
She the Fire sleeps deeply, deep inside of me
She's determined to hang moss bangs over Her face
Block Her view from death's stony stare
She's determined to sleep forever
What if I cut, what if I dig the skin to wake Her?
What if I starve the stomach?
Heave the breast toward the hand upon the chest with razor?
We all need Fire in the coldest days
Don't tell me I'm in control
As you speak them, I speak too
We all say
We all say
Don't tell me I'm in control
We all break
We all break
We've all broken ourselves
She's determined to sleep forever
I'll
wake
Her
Nov 22, 2017
Nov 22, 2017 at 11:09 PM UTC
I'm sorry that I look away every time I catch your glance
But I got hurt so badly the last time I took a chance
I know it sounds cliche but I can't fall into your trance
I can't allow myself to be anything more than an acquaintance
But you're so beautiful
So beautiful
And if I wasn't so ****** I probably could love you
If you wanted me to
You're so beautiful
And love at first sight might not be love at all
I know you have my number, but you probably won't call
The anticipation's enough to make my flesh crawl
I've never felt so tiny, no I've never felt so small
But you're so beautiful
So beautiful
And if you weren't across the room I could probably love you
If you wanted me to
Because you're so beautiful
And I love you
Yes I love you
Your eyes are kind and large
I have to fight the urge
To walk over
I won't walk over
-E (c) 2017
Mar 18, 2017
Mar 18, 2017 at 3:39 AM UTC
do you think you'll ever lay her to rest?
allow her to sleep?
she's stayed awake for months on end
and every time she tried to close her eyes
you shook her awake
again
telling just one more tale
one more tall story
one more lie
that we must all
simply listen to
listen to this little ditty
i'm sure you'll recall it
once i'm done
do you remember the time we...?
no.. not really..
without sleep
all she sees are hallucinations
disjointed recollections
of the tissue paper life
that blows..
in the breeze
did you know
sleep deprivation
is a form of torture?
and you have kept her up
long enough
and she's tired of being worn
like an overcoat
as your splendid outer garment
in all it's melancholy finery
passersby remark
on how well you wear her
and you have the audacity to say
'Oh this old thing'
she's wearing thin and eventually
she'll disappear
altogether
she's becoming threadbare in places
and no matter how tightly
you wrap yourself up in her
she won't keep you warm
but that's only because
you don't want her to get warm
or let her go to sleep
you just won't let her rest in peace
will you
Jul 15, 2016
Jul 15, 2016 at 2:51 AM UTC
I saw your neck line.
I felt a wind
Being blown to my chest,
We were in a crowd when
Suddenly,
We were the only ones there;
The earth stood still
and for a moment I thought
I could hear my own breath.
Mar 31, 2016
Mar 31, 2016 at 2:07 AM UTC
She veils her face
In sinister shades
Powdered porcelain
Eyes of jade
Raven hair
My focus ensnared
Jet black obsidian heart
My lips does she part
Vicious and vile
With a serpentine smile
Cunning and cruel
C'est la vie, a bid adieu
Dec 25, 2015
Dec 25, 2015 at 7:16 PM UTC
I’m meeting a new mystery
And it’s introducing itself with rage
Who’s to say what’s limited to me?
Why can’t I collect?
Why am I forced to shed skin I barely wore?
I want to wear you until you fall off
Through four seasons of the year
I want to feel you feed me your troubles
I want to fix you
And then
I want to feel you leave me once we’re done
I want to hear all your goodbye’s at once
Oct 5, 2015
Oct 5, 2015 at 2:51 PM UTC
One day we were counting
the ghosts of our mistakes
and you randomly brought up,
"Ernest Hemingway saved his manuscripts
by throwing them out the upstairs window
while his studio was burning."
I compared you to Hemingway
that a man can love words
more than an actual person,
more than his own life at stake.
To which I responded,
as I hope it marred your mind,
“I liked the idea of loving you.
I wanted some sort of filler
to compensate for the feelings I got.”
Your fixation was intensely unnerving,
like you were unwrapping every vein that rippled in my body.
I carried on, watching the embers of fault lick you profusely.
“For some reason, I use people until there’s nothing left to use.
Romantically, I used you to cover what I wanted-
Cast you in daydreams where it is like this right now,
in a coffee shop underneath the streetlights.
“It was all the idea of it.
As much as I wanted to make up our relationship,
I couldn’t imagine what it was like to really be with you.
To be close to you, your hand in mine,
to watch your favorite movies under a warm blanket, to jump
in the car with you to chase a sunset.
To have you text me at two in the morning
and tell me I’m beautiful.”
You began to protest,
but I wouldn’t listen.
There is something satisfying
in expressing true happiness
rather than dwelling on it in your mind.
I knew you weren’t giving me that.
“So I don’t think I was ever in love with you.
Just the thought of you.”
Sep 28, 2015
Sep 28, 2015 at 12:35 AM UTC
I bought a piece of damaged art. Art so complex and abstract, with dark colours and rough textures, broken faces and trapped doors. What in past may have been innocent, has now become jaded, corrupted by ideas and devoured by hungry rage. The tunnel of fate has flushed this paintings’ nature, seduced the purity of its essence. A master piece has been morphed. The price has gone up. The wall space needed for this work of art would be massive, secure, and bullet proof. The nails will dig deep, this piece will sooner or later feel heavy.
But the pride of showing off this commitment is precious. It’s tempting and full of promise. A piece so desirable and unique, others wonder how it was hung so high. Like a crystal brick in the wall, so rare and contagious, persuasive and mysterious. Perhaps I fell in love with this foggy picture, I adjusted the lens of my perception - clarity now being a boring adventure.
So what stops me from taking this heavy, disturbing painting down? Do I fear the ladder, panic I will drop this estranged beauty on the ground? Maybe I enjoy viewing it from such a distance, I neglect what it really would look like up close. I detach myself from its reality, only to live on in our own anxious dream. For what exists in this fantasy, is not eternally destructive, it’s illusory and… incredible.
I know the day will come. The day my walls wear thin. The nails will get rusty and break, the painting will slip and surrender, and I will catch it… only to realize how much smaller and light it really is. How beautifully innocent it has come to be. Colours will be vivid, broken faces turning into blameless smiles, and trapped doors now unlocked. With its temper diminished and bliss established, it will look vulnerable and foolish, not suitable for my passion craving mind. And I will take this small, uninteresting painting, and throw it away.
And look for a new damaged one to hang on my wall.
And look for a new person to fix.
Aug 6, 2015
Aug 6, 2015 at 10:57 AM UTC