#firstdraft
Heard this one line
"People who understand the world better are not accepted by it"
I called ********
But with each mistake and harsh lesson,
I'm pushed more
More sharks circle,
Hoping to draw blood
But when they do,
There are only shallow marks
Because I saw it coming
When the sharks were still smiling
And offering me their kindness
I saw where it was going
And they didn't circle me because they chose me
I chose them
I saw the pitying, welcoming smiles and chose them
I chose them to stab me again
So I can learn
And prove it right
That this is the world
That it hurts
But I don't care
I'd rather be alone than lonely with people who wouldn't hesitate to throw me off.
Who would do that **** for free
I can't tell what I'm doing wrong
Is it that I'm being myself?
And unapologetic about it?
Is it because I laugh and jump into reckless **** because life is so short and fragile
Or maybe because in a world full of fakes who cover their flaws,
I swim in a pool of my blood around sharks, daring them to take a bite
Maybe it's because I set boundaries when something isn't right
Maybe it's because I give people feedback, and apparently, they don't like that
Maybe it's because I stay true to myself and refuse to fit in
To become as shallow as they are
Maybe it's cause I speak my mind and act how I want
Maybe it's because they hate that I'm brave
Brave enough and stubborn enough to refuse to give up on ME
Sigh...
I'm back to it again.
Because they may be the sharks that bite me to shreds
And I'd still understand that maybe they were hungry
They went days without food, their stomachs aching and begging to be filled
They'd hurt me
And my first thought is whether they're ok
If they want to talk but don't feel safe doing it
That they only know to release it through raised voices and piercing betrayal
That I wasn't there for them
Or maybe they didn't feel safe with me
Comfortable enough to tell me
To say something!
Or maybe they were comfortable.
In just hurting me
And I can't be mad
Because at least in some way,
I helped release that stress
That by being there for you to shout at and stab,
You feel better
And I'd rather that happen than you stay silent and shut yourself off
And it's ok if you're all happy with hurting me
For stabbing me over and over again
Because I can take it
I knew you'd do it
I know there's a reason
And I know that I'll move on
I'm trying to keep being the nice person
A penance for what I've done
For all the people I hurt
For all the people whom I've lost
Because they would prefer I do that
I'd rather suffer from kindness than hurt remorselessly
And that has been seared into every atom of my being
Apr 9
Apr 9, 2026 at 7:52 PM UTC
poetry & spontaneity,
are one in the same,
each piece its own,
spinning wheels on different days,
reminiscent of springtime rain.
Apr 25, 2025
Apr 25, 2025 at 10:30 AM UTC
Every time I look into the mirror, I see a different me
Each time I reach into the closet
Am I a he or she?
As I open the door, I melt into the floor
I can't stand this anticipation..
I don't feel like dancing but I'll make you look a fool
I'm not into guessing but you look so cruel
Show me your perception and I'll show you my intention
Don't be second guessing because
I know what you think
I don't try to be incomprehensive
But my love,
you seem so demented
Will you let me untie your seams?
Through my closed eyes I am just a fly
In a fishbowl, escaping into the night
The traveling world circles through crystal clean lies
The end is filled with detrimental violence.
Not one soul speaks a word in the end.
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 11, 2020 at 7:08 PM UTC
The devil is a boy
pretending to be a man,
who makes you feel
like you deserved
the unwanted advances.
And convinces you
that black and blue bruises
is the art upon your skin,
which he embellished on your thighs,
because you looked so
******* ****
he couldn’t resist.
And now you
force a laugh and lie
and pretend
that each time
you see his face
you don’t cower away
in fear.
Silently wishing,
always praying
to the God that you don’t believe
loves you anymore.
Praying that this boy,
pretending to be a man
would burn in his flames.
But devils never die.
Even if I did that night.
Nov 23, 2018
Nov 23, 2018 at 4:06 PM UTC
it's unfair.
the control you have
over my heart
body
mind
you make my heart
skip
a beat
then two
just by the thought of you
Nov 16, 2018
Nov 16, 2018 at 3:19 PM UTC
There is a threshold at the heart of a peach--
between the wooden pit and the golden flesh of fruit.
There lie a few red, raw strands that are, impossibly, both.
The Pit [Endocarp]: Birth/Death.
The most treelike part.
Bark balled into a fist.
Inside hides the genetic beginning and future of all peach trees.
The Fruit [Mesocarp]: Maturation.
The delicious and beguiling, round flesh that attracts those who will scatter the seed. It tastes of sweet summer months.
Grown to be devoured,
the fruit is an ephemeral sacrifice ensuring the seed will find soil
take root
and make more of its kind.
I feel as if I'm at the red, rimmed divide between the two.
There is still so much bark from my parent trees at my core, yet I'm starting to soften into my own shape.
I know there will be a feast or a fall in these coming years and both mean a survival (of sorts).
Sep 14, 2017
Sep 14, 2017 at 12:29 AM UTC
I used to think that
what I saw when I looked into your eyes,
was the galaxy.
They were vast and dark and seemingly endless,
but they are not a home for me.
What I have learned is that
I was not seeing the sun and moon and stars,
I was seeing the boundaries that contained them,
and seeing limits and edges,
hard and abrupt.
I was not seeing expansion.
I was not seeing love.
Perhaps I was discovering what it means
to see the world through someone else's eyes.
And in someone else's eyes.
But in yours, I thought I saw constellations when
in fact I saw only recollections
They say when you see a star you're seeing the light from something that died thousands of years ago.
Perhaps it is the same for old lovers.
Maybe it was the same for you and me.
I vow I will never see the stars again in the eyes of a partnet,
but instead see things in which the life is still intact and in which I am not clinging on to something forever retracting.
I will see flowers,
trees,
weeds even,
life that may flourish and wither,
but at least I can nourish them back.
We as humans have yet to scrape the edge of the universe,
and that used to scare me.
I used to find comfort in knowing I was a part of yours,
Comfort came to me knowing I was safe in the world you built for me,
but I take it back.
The next person whose eyes I fall in love with might hold stars
they might sparkle and expand,
but they will not be my universe
when there is one inside me I have yet to dive into
when there is so much more for me to see myself
without your limits or your help
Jun 5, 2016
Jun 5, 2016 at 6:41 PM UTC
I want to thank you for
never, never giving up on me since
we first met some three years ago.
Your love is as strong as the winds
beating against the coastal homes and
my love for you is never-ending, just
as the waves continue to crash.
The support beams of our home are
nourished with love and able to bend with
the storms that arise because we have
accepted and enlightened the flaws of
our lives; of each other.
For as long as there will be stars to gaze upon
each night, my love and soul are attached to you.
Where the blank spaces are in my life -
you have brightened them with the most
otherworldly light and I see no other way.
I will always come back to you,
my heart will always call you home.
-s.r.pikulinski
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 1:26 PM UTC