#feelings
keep your eyes closed love.
e t
m i
o m
s e
s all you have to
l to is what the sound
i n
s e
t
v
a e
of the w s
tells you
to do.
Aug 12, 2018
Aug 12, 2018 at 2:42 PM UTC
Break my bones;
cut my throat.
Pull me open,
learn the ropes.
Breath me in;
taste the fear.
Shank my skin;
stand and cheer.
Kick my head;
let me bleed.
Unbolt my veins;
enjoy the read.
Gouge my eyes;
punch my face.
Wrap me up
in your embrace.
Nov 13, 2018
Nov 13, 2018 at 8:58 AM UTC
*parang pag mamahal ko sayo
walang "end point"
hindi ko alam kung bakit pero kailangan **** gumawa ng kababalaghan para magkaroon ng end point
ang bilog kong pagmamahal sayo
bakit? hindi pa ba sapat sayo ang tapat at buo kong pagmamahal?
hindi pa ba sapat ang walang end point kong pagmamahal para sayo kaya mo nagawang mag sinungaling sakin?
katulad mo,
pagod na din ako
pagod na akong umintindi
kahit gusto kong pilitin, ayoko na sayangin oras ko
dahil binigyan kita ng second chance pero hindi mo pinahalagahan
oo, life is full of second chances pero hindi ako yung tipong tao na sobrang bait na mas pipiliin bigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon ang ibang tao para lang mapasaya sila sa punto na alam naman niya na hindi siya masaya sa magiging desisyon niya
simula palang ng relasyon natin,
ikaw inuna ko lagi isipin bago sarili ko
kahit may mga oras na gusto ko bumitaw,
inisip ko muna mararamdaman mo
kahit nahihirapan na ako intindihin ka
pero may faith at tiwala ako sayo na magbabago ka,
na magiging tapat ka sakin,
na ang ibibigay mo lamang sakin ay wala kundi ang katotohanan
pero nagkamali ako
nagkamali ako na pinagkatiwalaan kita
nagkamali ako na nagkaroon pa ako ng faith sayo
lagi ko tinatanong sa sarili ko nun
"dapat pa ba kitang pagkatiwalaan?"
sagot ko laging oo,
dahil ang pagmamahal ko sayo ay lamang sa mga pagkakamali mo pero pinatunayan mo na mali ang sagot ko
kahit alam ko pagkatao mo, binigay ko sayo buo kong tiwala
pero sinira mo
wasak na wasak sa landas na hindi na kita kayang balikan dahil ayoko pumasok sa isang relasyon kung wala akong tiwala sa isang tao
pagod ka na? mas pagod ako
nasaktan ka? mas nasaktan ako
binigay ko sayo buong puso ko pero binalik mo ng durog
salamat
salamat sa pag pasok sa buhay ko at nag silbi kang isang aral sakin
salamat sa masasayang araw natin
na parang kaya ko pa bilangin sa aking mga daliri.*
Feb 29, 2016
Feb 29, 2016 at 7:25 AM UTC
Tanghali na at nais ko sana magsulat,
Ibuhos ang lahat ng aking gustong ipagtapat,
Ngunit wala, walang lumabas ni isang letra o salita,
Nahihirapan na kahit hindi halata.
Isang lapis at papel ang aking hawak,
Ang daming bumubulabog sa aking utak,
Nais ko sanang iparating sayo,
Binighani mo ang puso ko.
Kaso ang hirap, ang hirap hirap isulat ng aking nadarama,
Na parang magiging katawatawa o masyadong madrama,
Hindi ko alam kung paano pero ito ang naisip ko,
Naisip kong paraan para masabi sayo.
Ang pagsulat. Dahil ito ang aking bibig,
Ito ang tanging paraan para mailabas ko ang aking hinanakit o pag-ibig,
Nakakatawa man o ang "corny" pakinggan,
Pero kahit ganoon pa man, ipagpapatuloy ko sa paraan na makakagaan.
Makakagaan sa akin at sa mga taong makakabasa,
Na hindi ito sinulat ng basta basta,
Isang blankong papel at isang ordinaryong katulad ko,
Isinusulat ang lahat ng mensahe sa paraan na alam ko.
Gagabihin nanaman kaka-isip,
At bibisita nanaman ang mga talang gabi gabing sumisilip,
Nakakatuwa dahil sila ang laging kausap,
Habang natutulog ang mga ulap.
Isang blankong papel ang aking hawak,
Walang kawala sa magulo kong utak
Aug 9, 2016
Aug 9, 2016 at 9:44 AM UTC
Dear Sam,
I love you,
But I really hate you sometimes.
I've been cycling through emotions lately
Because our breakup led to me completely shutting down
I felt nothing
Until I felt sadness
And then I felt anger
Now it's all mixing together
In an overwhelming mess
Especially with your recent breakups
With your other partners
The one who I mourned our relationship over
Who you suddenly realized you weren't into
And the one I'm best friends with
Who you told that you were never poly
Because **** me right?
Because if you were never poly
Then you never really loved me
Then again,
Have you ever really loved anyone?
I try to correct the realization
Of you not loving me
With the fact that I love myself
It's probably a lie, but
Fake it til you make it
Right?
It's hard to accept that
Someone I loved more than anyone
Could give zero ***** about me
It hurts
That I was this disposable to you
And I did nothing but love you
And respect you
And hear you
And care for you with every ounce of my existence
And you just left
Remember when you promised that
We could get through anything?
And had me promise you the same?
Whenever we were unsteady
You would ask me that
The same thing you asked your last partner
Right before they left you
"Babe, we can get through anything, right?"
And it sounded so sweet and so
******* real
But you were just scared
You were only ever sweet
When you thought we were leaving you
And ******* it
I wish I had left you
I wish I would've told you all of the things
That led to MY decision to leave
Because when we talked
We agreed it was mutual
And I never told you my story
You never asked
All you asked was what I would tell people
Which to some might sound like you cared
But all you cared about
Was other people's opinions of you
Not me
Not my opinion
Because I was no longer of use to you
And during that break up
You did ask me why I was crying
Though looking back now
You probably just wanted to hear me say
"I love you"
One last time
Because why else would I be crying?
I don't know if I ever told you
But when you got your third partner
I wished I could stop loving you
Ironically, I pretty much did
In an illusory sort of way since
All my emotions shut down from the pain
And if I were religious I would've prayed for it
Begged for salvation
For freedom from
The shackles laced around my limbs
From loving someone who doesn't care
Who didn't respect me enough
To really remind me that I mattered
In the throes of a new relationship
But none of it helped
Because I still loved you
I still do
What's more than you leaving
Is the amount of damage you did first
Convincing me how radical and inclusive you are
When you shame anyone else
For the things that make them happy
Oh, and what about transparency
And how you avoid passivity in conflict?
Where did that person go?
You started being passive-aggressive
Or even silent sometimes
You'd exit the conversation
In the middle of an argument
And yell at me if I tried to do the same
I should've known things weren't ok
When I started to thank you
For not getting mad and yelling at me
Which only made you mad
Because I was demonizing you
Actually,
I was just afraid of you
I was never enough for you
You'd spend a lot of your time
Complaining about your other partners
And, as obvious as it is now,
I didn't know you were doing the same about me
Because when we were together
I thought we were good
I respected your boundaries
Even when they conflicted with my needs
You didn't like physical contact
Something I needed in order to feel safe
And the few times you did let me hold your hand
You complained about it to your other partner
As though I were a burden
But I am NOT
A burden
I am NOT
Disposable
And I may not be perfect
But I sure as hell matter
I deserve love
I deserve openness and honesty
And trust
Not like that one time
You "forgot" you made a promise to me
Then broke it in secrecy
And got mad at me later
When I was upset with you
Because you knew I had trust issues
You knew it would upset me
But you didn't care
Because you "don't need permission"
To do anything
Which is true
Except, when you truly respect someone
You keep your word
Or you don't get upset about it
When they feel pained by your betrayal
You said you didn't want to feel
Like you owed me something
And it's not that you owed me anything
But you sure didn't deserve my trust after that
And that made you angry
Though not angry like those few times
You called me yelling about
How I ****** up
Because 1)
I was hurt that you didn't want to see me
Even though we had plans to spend the weekend together
And 2)
Because I wasn't being a good partner
Aka I wasn't submitting to you
And following everything you wanted me to
You claimed I was hurting you
But when I called you out
For your blatant hypocrisy
You got even more mad
I was crying at work that day
I was crouched in the ally
Listening to you scream at me
Balling my eyes out in pain
Trying to maintain my ability to breathe
I didn't think to just hang up
Because I knew it was disrespectful
And I didn't want you to leave me
Later you told me that
You like when I cry when we fight
Because it proves to you that
I actually care
That is not ok
I can show you that I care
Without being in so much pain that
Tears stain my face and
I struggle to catch a breath
When we met
You taught me about autonomy
And that saved my life when it came to my depression
But then you used it against me
To avoid doing anything that didn't benefit you
As I bent over backwards to please you
And of course I didn't think it was an issue
When you would change your mind at the last minute
The plans I had looked forward to all day
Quickly fell apart
Autonomy freed me from my demons' grasp
So how could it not make sense?
You had the autonomy to choose what you wanted to do
But you were just being selfish
And didn't care about me
Or my feelings
And as soon as I stopped
Being the only one putting in any effort
You left me
You used to say that
Our love was stronger than anything
But that is an abusive tactic
Because if we were struggling, then
It must be my fault for not trying enough
For not loving you enough
And when I tried to put up boundaries
(Because sometimes I needed space too
Especially when you hurt me so deeply)
You decided to threaten that
Doing so would make you want to leave me
You often held me on that way
Threats
Manipulation
Fear
The way we chose to love polyamorously
Was pretty unhealthy
We didn't set boundaries
Until we did something that hurt us
And then we knew we needed to
But even then we really didn't
Because you didn't respect the ones I set
You told me that
I couldn't have any more partners
You didn't even want me to pursue
The new interest I had at the time
Thankfully, I didn't submit to you then
Because within a few days we broke up
And even though I was sad about it
I immediately felt relief
And regardless of all of this negativity
I truly hope you get help
And can find happiness in your life
And can stop hurting others
Just because you're in pain
You matter
So do I
But your opinion of me doesn't
Because I will love myself
Exactly for who I am
And no longer shame myself
For the things you didn't like
Because I am more
Than what you think of me
I am more
Than how you treated me
And even though I love you
I love myself more
And respect myself enough to let it go
And to let myself be happy
Without you in my life
Aug 3, 2018
Aug 3, 2018 at 4:16 PM UTC
most people see me as
a happy person because
i laugh easily,
i smile a lot,
i joke a lot.
but deep down
in my heart,
i am fragile,
i can get hurt easily,
but i choose to not
show it to the world.
instead of being sad,
i choose to laugh to cover it.
maybe you can call me
"the queen of the mask"
by this,
you can tell
that most of the time
when I'm laughing,
I'm not really laughing,
i was trying so hard to hide
my sadness.
Jul 22, 2018
Jul 22, 2018 at 6:07 AM UTC
Let it be grey.
It has never rained like this before,
I like it this way.
I don't care if it is night or day.
For all the times I have felt sore,
Let it be grey.
They will not come today.
No one will knock on the door,
I like it this way.
There is nothing for me to say.
I want to listen to the clouds roar,
Let it be grey.
The wind whistles my stress away.
And I have nothing to cry for,
I like it this way.
My mind wanders away.
My eyes marvel at the downpour,
Let it be grey.
I like it this way.
May 31, 2018
May 31, 2018 at 4:04 PM UTC
there are some feelings that no matter what you say no one can feel them but you..
May 25, 2014
May 25, 2014 at 11:13 AM UTC
Pagmulat palang ng iyong mga mata,
Pangalan niya agad ang iyong nakikita,
May mensahe sayo'y nagpapakilig,
Napapangiti na parang iyo na ang buong daigdig,
Ngunit alam kong napawi ang iyong mga ngiti,
Nawala ang kilig na kanina lang abot hanggang langit,
*Dahil naalala **** hindi pwede, bawal, at delikado,
Kahit sinasabi ng puso mo siya'y mahal mo at ito'y sigurado.*
Natatakot kang masaktan, umiyak, at higit sa lahat maging masaya,
Bakit mas nakakatakot ang huli? Dahil pag nawala siya hindi mo alam kung iyo pang makakakaya.
Alam mo sa sarili mo na siya ang iyong mahal,
Kaso natatakot ka lang ulit sumugal.
*Pero ipinapangako ko sa buong mundo at sayo,
Gagawin ko ang lahat mawala lang ang takot mo,*
**Handa akong sumugal sa pag-ibig para iyong malaman,
Na ang pag-ibig kong ito ay pang matagalan.**
Aug 30, 2016
Aug 30, 2016 at 6:45 AM UTC
some nights you will feel
like there are a thousand galaxies
exploding in every inch of you
and you are burning too bright
to ever be looked at directly,
and some nights you will feel
impossibly small, like your
whole body could slip through
the spaced between atoms and
never reappear in this world again,
and some nights you will feel
like a paper doll, carefully crafted
and easily blown away, fragile,
too delicate to ever be touched,
and some nights you will feel
like each cell in your body is
made of the strength that holds
the whole planet together,
and that is okay because you are
made of stardust and miniscule
atoms and breakable bones
and the building blocks of
everything in the universe,
and you are too alive to never
feel anything more than human
Jul 10, 2014
Jul 10, 2014 at 11:27 AM UTC
Dear Bri,
My therapist asked me if
I thought I should
Write you a letter for closure
I was confused and said no
I was done with us
Over it
That was a few months ago
I can see now
What she might have seen then
I am carrying a lot of anger
A lot of pain and resentment
Because of the way you treated me
And how victimized you painted yourself
As you shamed me publicly
All over social media
For "cheating" on you when
We definitely have different understandings
Of what constitutes cheating
And then you took it a step further
To spread your delusions about me
When we could've had a conversation
You shamed me so hard at the end
Because "you didn't even know me anymore"
When you clearly didn't know me at all
I told you when we first met
I do not want kids and
I never want to get married
And you were surprised
After year and a half
When you bring it up
And I tell you again
I do not want that life
You cried and said we would be nothing then
So I bought you a ring
I figured, whatever
If we were going to be forever
I might as will compromise
Something you didn't understand much at all
Especially when it came to ***
After we broke up
You wrote me a letter
In it you attacked me for
Never having *** when you wanted
Since you'd have it with me
When you didn't want to
(Something I was very unaware of
And extremely not ok with)
Apparently I should've done the same
But I didn't want *** if you didn't
I could've ******* myself if that were the case
I didn't ask you to do that for me
I wish you didn't
Because love isn't about *** frequency
It's more about communication
And honesty
And I'm not perfect at that
But I tried
When I sent you an article
About why I avoid ***
Due to a ****** assault
You got mad at me
"What am I supposed to do,
Just wait until you're ready?"
Yes.
If you respected me
Then you would
And when I talked to you about
My interest in polyamory
You didn't give me a chance
To even discuss it more
You immediately said no
And that was that
You said you wouldn't change your mind
Which I should have known since
When I became friends with
A member of the church do you dragged me to
(Even though I'm an atheist)
You were mad because they were poly
And you didn't want me "getting any ideas"
And when that approach didn't work
You claimed that my being friends with them
Conflicted with your friendship with another member
Because they were connected negatively through an ex
Because we can't have our own friends?
But that's exactly what I needed
Because you shamed me so hard
For the things I care about most
That I lost myself in us
I no longer existed
Because I was "too radical"
So you didn't really love me
Because you didn't know me
You loved who you made me
Or whoever you saw in your mind
And somehow you were surprised
When I decided to leave
Because of course you did nothing wrong
But I was suffocating
So I left to explore myself
And my potential polyamorous identity
But then you were willing to try it
You didn't want to lose me
So you said you'd try an open relationship
But
Only under strict guidelines
And if I didn't agree to them
You wouldn't try
You called it "compromise"
But there's a huge difference
Between boundaries
And rules
That's not how polyamory thrives
So I left.
And a few months later
We talked about it again
You gave me more rules
"No other romantic partners "
Which would've required me
To leave who I was presently seeing
Just to have *** with randoms
And commit emotionally
Only to you
But I also had to agree
To eventually move up north with you
Regardless of my own life aspirations
Because I never really mattered to you
Only the fake picture you had of me
And all of those rules
Occurred while you simultaneously
Shamed polyamory
And me for wanting it
Because "I just didn't want to commit"
It is "an abomination"
"Disgusting"
Just because you didn't understand it
Because you were afraid of it
You didn't understand me
But you "loved" me
And you were the victim
Right?
I'm not saying I'm not at fault
But you are too
Aug 3, 2018
Aug 3, 2018 at 4:12 PM UTC
Hope surges upward from your core and to the heart. It warms your blood as your heart crushes into itself twice every second and unbelievably, your mind starts to think of a million and one possibilities. Your hand tingles and finally, after what seemed like eons, you think you are feeling hope again. You start suppressing it out of reflex- an unconscious, uncontrollable action. You push it down, right back to the void it came from but its too late and your lips are curving upwards into a gentle smile. You anticipate euphoria -almost can feel it at the top of your fingertips and you finally let yourself believe and hope.
It comes crashing down without warning. For a second, you still smile because your mind could not process the disappointment yet. Then - hurt, sadness, shock - flits through your mind. You still hold on to your hope like a child who refuses to let go of candy. Your smile wavers. But just like grabbing onto handfuls of sand, hope will fall out through your tightly clasped fingers. You realised that your hold on hope is no longer and instead, it is replaced by cold, unforgiving reality.
Like an icy slap to your face, like an unexpected kick to the stomach, like a bite from a dog you have always love- that is how disappointment feels like.
Aug 22, 2014
Aug 22, 2014 at 10:53 AM UTC
load your bullets
in the firing chamber
and they'll fly
from your lips,
ricochet and lodge
past the scarce armor
of my ribcage
into this glass heart of mine
*let my insecurities bleed out
don't staunch the flow*
pierce my skin
with the shards of my heart
end my misery,
squeeze the trigger
with practiced ease
*breathe in,
breathe out
breathe in,
breathe out*
*(you'll find another victim
downrange of you)*
Feb 18, 2015
Feb 18, 2015 at 11:24 AM UTC
I could never tell you what was on my mind
So I wrote every thing down on paper
Each passing day with you only made things worse
Because all the things I was too shy to say
Became too lengthy to write in one sitting
So I typed them instead
Then one day you kissed me
And all the things I tried so hard to hide
Spilled from my mouth
And I dare say
Into your heart
May 13, 2014
May 13, 2014 at 12:00 PM UTC
Blue can be happy,
Like blue party balloons
Blue can be sad,
Like a tear down your cheek
Blue can be angry,
Like a stormy dark ocean
Blue can be frightening,
Like your piercing bright eyes
Blue can be hopeful,
Like a new day's blue sky
Blue can be timid,
Like baby blue walls
Blue can be mysterious,
Like the ocean's far depths
Blue is a bipolar color.
May 20, 2015
May 20, 2015 at 9:19 AM UTC
When I was five,
my mother told me I was loved.
Years later, she asked me to leave because
I was the reminder of the gruesome past that haunted her.
When I was ten,
my father told me he believed in me.
Years later, he refused to accompany me because
I was an embarrassment to him in front of the society.
When I was fifteen,
my friends told me I was funny.
Years later, they all laughed at me because
I was the gullible teenager who fell for their flawless façade.
When I was twenty,
this guy said I was beautiful.
Years later, he trashed me, tormented me because
I was ignorant enough to overlook my inevitable flaws.
So, sorry for not believing in you,
for questioning your intentions, inclusively, in-depth
when you told me you loved me because
I didn’t want to wind up years later,
learning it the hard way that people often don’t mean what they say.
Mar 3, 2018
Mar 3, 2018 at 2:00 AM UTC
The emptiness in my eyes,
The truth behind my lies,
The fall before my rise,
And the goodbyes;
It scares me.
The dark beneath my skin,
The light within my sins,
The voice that loudly sings,
And my broken wings;
It scares me.
The wounds I can't heal,
The pain I can't feel,
The loss I can't deal,
And when I am real;
It scares me.
The silence in my little talks,
The stillness in my moonlit walks,
The thought of separate ways,
And my numbered days;
It scares me.
The demons under my bed,
The words spinning in my head,
The blood in my sweat,
And my cold breath;
It scares me.
-Paras Bajaj #PoetrybyParas
Instagram : @mr.parasbajaj
Jan 19, 2019
Jan 19, 2019 at 12:45 AM UTC
My skin is frying, I can't stop crying, I feel like I'm dying.
Your touch soothes my fever, your arms hold me together, your bed is my grave.
...
This flame of desire inside me burning so bright,
only you can save me on this night.
...
Here I lay dripping with desire,
for your arrival to calm my fire.
Fill me, tempt me, push me to the limit,
with your burning, chilling touch of Frostbite,
Please save me this night!
...
Call me your "Good Girl", pet me, Play,
withdraw your heat and watch me sway,
Please Sir, don't take this blissful feeling away.
...
I wait on my knees by your side,
Not because I am expected to,
but because it is where I feel safest.
...
**** me roughly, love me tenderly
Strip me bare till there's nothing left, build me up and tear me apart
In your calloused hands, I place my tender heart.
...
Nov 15, 2015
Nov 15, 2015 at 1:13 PM UTC
I trust that you feel it in this moment
But I don't trust you'll always feel that way
That's how I was hurt before
Counting on every word he'd say
Jul 13, 2014
Jul 13, 2014 at 10:10 AM UTC
Nakapag sulat na ako ng maraming tula,
Tulang para sa iba ngunit para sakanya’y wala,
Ang taong ini-alay ang buhay para lang sakin,
Na minsa’y dinadaanan ko lang na parang hangin.
Nakakalimutan na siya ang dahilan kaya ako’y buhay,
Buong buhay niya ang kanyang ibinigay,
Mga panahong ako’y nagpapakasaya,
Habang siya’y nasa bahay nag-aalala.
Ang oras at panahon ay napupunta sa iba,
Ngunit sakanya ang mga ito ay para lang sa mga anak niya,
Hindi mapakali dahil iniisip ang susunod na alis,
Hindi ko namamalayan na sa aking pag-alis may isang taong nangungulila sakin ng labis.
Inaantay ang aking pag balik mula sa eskwela,
Ngunit sa aking pag dating hindi ko manlang siya makamusta,
May mga oras na hindi nagkakaintindihan,
Subalit sa huli ikaw ay kanyang pinapatahan.
Mahal kong ina gusto ko iyong madama,
Ang tulang ito ang magsisilbing paalala,
Madami mang problema at tampuhan,
Sa huli ikaw parin ang mahal kong ilaw ng tahanan
May 14, 2017
May 14, 2017 at 12:31 AM UTC
I can scream, i can yell.
But it won't stop the voices in my head.
I can cry and be called weak,
But I'm the strongest person i know considering what I've been through.
I am strong and i need to believe that.
You are strong also, just believe.
Don't worry about whats already happened, focus on whats happening now.
Love is the strongest feeling as people say,
but I say happiness finds you more then love could ever find you.
Be happy and stay strong!!!
Sep 16, 2014
Sep 16, 2014 at 4:14 AM UTC
I feel blank
I feel useless
I feel the goosebumps on my skin
I feel hatred
I feel love
I feel the problems I am in
I feel lost
I feel found
I feel like a sin
Oct 29, 2014
Oct 29, 2014 at 11:07 AM UTC