#familylife
The ticking of the clock slows down
as I feel you next to me.
Your hand slips in mine, and for just a moment
I am lost
in a childhood that could have been
if you had been someone else,
maybe if I had been, too.
But we weren't, so I faced a childhood
with you as my crush,
the cousin I adored,
and my abuser,
all in one.
I would have walked over hot coals for you.
I did walk through fire.
Little match strikes at first
as it started with warmth
and love
and your hand.
But I'm still confused because
that was not love.
It was the warmth of your hand
doing things no hand should do to a child
but because you said you loved me
I believed everything you did was
Out of love
and I trusted you.
So the match strikes became
a blaze of wood in the fireplace.
You kept me warm,
using your own body to provide heat
but why did you need to
be inside of me to do it?
I'm still confused.
You didn't need that.
You wanted it.
The years pass by and
the truth gets blurred,
but the blaze became an inferno
threatening to burn me alive.
I finally saw you as you truly were...
Cruel
Sadistic
but if you had said
I love you
one more time, I would have
believed it was my fault, not yours.
Wait, still confused.
I did believe it was my fault, not yours,
that if I hadn't let you touch me...
Wait, let you??
Did I actually have a choice?
If I had said no, would you have stopped?
At any point, would you have stopped?
Because I did say no.
I whispered it.
I cried it.
I begged it.
You know I did.
But nothing changed
except my delusions had
to keep getting bigger
to make myself believe
that you loved me.
I don't believe that anymore.
I've seen the scars and recognized the truth
I was a tool for you,
no more,
no less,
to allow you to dominate someone
without fear of repercussions.
When in doubt
pick someone who loves you.
Pick someone who would do anything you asked.
Pick someone who believes
everything is her fault.
even the death of her own innocence...
but you killed that girl!
And I pray she haunts you for the rest of your life
like you haunt me.
Maybe then the next time
I feel your hand slip in mine
I can squeeze real hard -
a love squeeze from me to you -
and break every bone in your hand
so the ticking of the clock can resume
its normal pace
and the world can turn on.
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 4:32 AM UTC
Every Thursday
the phone rings
six thirty. A plastered smile.
We lock eyes through a shattered screen,
but in that 'fatherly' gaze
lacks the affection I crave.
Jokes are made, tosses
directed at my mother again
comments. Insults
simply labelled as banter
yet you don't notice the smile
wavering.
Do you?
Thirty minutes.
The call ends.
Glass splinters fade to black.
Relief flooding the room, though
faint remains of your voice
echo in every picture frame
as the tears well once again.
Feb 28
Feb 28, 2026 at 2:04 PM UTC
As kids we were close,
Pushing each other on a swing during humid afternoons,
Scrapping over the biggest piece of cake,
Singing and strumming old rock songs on a video game,
Cheesing in the odd school picture together,
Hiding the family dog upstairs, cartoon shows on the tv,
Volume at its highest, all to drown the rows vibrating the walls
From downstairs,
It seemed back then we had each others back,
Sobbed for the same reasons at night,
Nervously bit at the skin around our nails over unknown noises,
Shook a knee with every thought of fleeing our hometown,
Yet now we don’t even know each other,
The distance runs thicker than blood,
He said she said infiltrating a possible recovery of a bond,
I often wonder how it can be, two people from
One home, both living on different planets,
Almost generations away from beliefs we once shared,
Pinching at each others emotions from another continent.
I found a journal from when I was my angsty teen self,
Words of fury coated most pages,
Some rhymes of regret,
Plenty of mischievous essays,
Page 94 had no explanation, just a date, some doodling
And one sentence,
“You were the first one to break my heart.”
As kids we were close,
But what do kids know.
Apr 10, 2021
Apr 10, 2021 at 9:36 AM UTC
I see you in the drunken man on the bus, singing hits
from the 60s,
I hear you when a man near your age belittles me, over a
job he knows nothing about,
I feel you when that initial rejection from someone hits, craving
validation you failed to gift me,
craving to be enough,
I smell you as friends open bottles of cheap ale, a scent
embedded into my bloodstream,
I miss you when I see a father and his child playfully race in the
park over the road,
I'm always wanting what I don't have.
Apr 10, 2021
Apr 10, 2021 at 9:26 AM UTC
Before getting up I look
how you are still asleep and almost
not breathing, gently
I touch you, enfold you
in my hands and then
I take you with me
we wake the children
have breakfast, kiss, and wave
watch them all the way
With a friend I weigh
our lives with everyone
taste what is sweet and sour
between the words we always
have to tell each other more
than a week
the children are growing
it all passes
while it stays with us
May 26, 2019
May 26, 2019 at 3:36 AM UTC
Mental health issues
Is not something to joke about
You have friends for a second
Then they leave you
Your case manager is ****
He doesn't listen
The only person who listens is your gp
Your family doesn't support you
They just say **** IT UP
Hospital is no place to go
All I want to do is end this fight
The fight that has been going on for so long
I'm just done fighting
More scars on my body
And I don't care
Take No Doz to not fall asleep
To prevent from any nightmares to occur
Just to fight another day
A lighter looks like the perfect way to hurt yourself
But that sensation doesn't last for too long
All that's left is cutting
You see the blood drip down
But that's not enough
You think that if you cut deeper
That it will end everything
But that's not the case
Nothing helps anymore
Life just isn't for me anymore
May 14, 2019
May 14, 2019 at 2:05 AM UTC
Daddy held me in his arms
Once, when I was five;
He wasn't one to embrace,
To clap and say well-done.
To hear him speak two words
Was volumes from someone
Who tsked and rolled,
But never scolded
His daughters and his sons.
In his hold, so foreign,
He made his assumption,
That I was content to be held,
Though squirming for the ground.
For me it wasn't soothing,
He never was inviting,
His demeanor so discomforting,
He never did it again;
Not that I could tell;
And yet the security
Never diminished
From arms that once held me.
Jan 13, 2017
Jan 13, 2017 at 10:33 AM UTC
Wake up late
Miss part of school
Come home
Mom’s out of town
Dad’s on a run
Four younger siblings
To take care of
One needs a ride home
Running around at track
One is in a weird mood
Strange emotions
Of a fifth grader
One keeps asking
Where is dad
I told you little man
He just went on a run
The littlest
Complaining about
Having to get off the x-box
After playing for almost
Two hours
The new kitten
Running around the house
Constantly being watched
By the kids
And here I am
Wondering
What will tomorrow bring?
May 6, 2016
May 6, 2016 at 7:37 PM UTC