#dysthymia
The hollow and empty
"I love you's"
are poison,
are killing me
slowly.
Burning my empathy
and hope
to the ground
behind my eyes
without a sound
just ashes and ice
in my soul.
Feb 21, 2022
Feb 21, 2022 at 6:14 PM UTC
I have come to find
when I deviate
from my muse of melancholy
I revile my work
more and more.
Perhaps because, inside,
the darkness and emptiness
is a part of every part of me.
And pretending,
is not in my nature.
Nov 19, 2020
Nov 19, 2020 at 7:06 PM UTC
Depression
hit like a train.
a jolt.
derailed.
blackness.
No Survivors
Jan 8, 2019
Jan 8, 2019 at 12:35 PM UTC
Always listen to your body,
But don’t always trust the mind.
your flesh and bones want happiness,
Your brain won’t be so kind.
Nov 12, 2018
Nov 12, 2018 at 12:57 PM UTC
I decided to hold on
For one more day.
But even still, weeks later,
My thoughts won’t go away.
Oct 30, 2018
Oct 30, 2018 at 11:29 AM UTC
I’ve been depressed all week
But she‘s been too.
She shares her coping methods
And she’s praised and supported.
I share mine and I get a single
“Nice.”
I’m the one willing to take bullets
For those who can’t take five minutes
To make sure I haven’t drowned
While lifting others so they can breathe.
At this point it’s not even them.
I’m force-feeding words into their mouths
As I watch them go about their lives.
I know that
They’re busy.
They’re tired.
They’re taking a personal day.
They’re working on themselves.
And I understand that.
But whenever
I’m busy,
I’m tired,
I’m taking a personal day,
Or I’m working on myself,
I’m there at the drop of a hat.
I’m the one taking bullets
For those that can’t take five minutes
To realize that maybe, just maybe
I need help too.
Irrelevant.
The delayed introduction after the
“How have you beens?”
“Fine and yous?”
“I’ve been great, I have this story...”
Minutes pass before I’m even thought of,
And by then I’ve excused myself.
I’m the one that’s taking bullets
For those that can’t take five minutes.
I’m taking you out and bringing you in
But I can only take so much.
I’m so desperate to be important to someone
That I don’t know how to be important to myself.
Even the saying of “one is sliver and one is gold”
Is unintentionally excluding.
I’m surrounded friends and their golds
But there are so many golds there’s not room for bronze.
I’m the one taking bullets
For those that can’t take five minutes
To realize that I give more than I take
And that I’ve given away my soul.
A sick feeling in my stomach,
But if I bring it up,
I know you’ll have it worse.
So I swallow my bile
And stretch out a smile.
I’m the one taking bullets
For those who can’t take five minutes
To see that I’ve made it out
Of the burning building too.
I’ve laid myself out as a doormat.
So why do I complain when people wipe their feet?
I’m the one taking bullets
For those who can’t take five minutes
To see that I am
Broken.
Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 1:15 AM UTC
I just want to stop
Being sad.
I’m the happiest I’ve been for years
But it still is not happiness.
“Happy” is not
The right word
Because I’m only ever sad,
And not.
So when I say
“I just want to stop,”
I really mean
I want to
Start
Being happy.
Sep 13, 2018
Sep 13, 2018 at 9:01 PM UTC
A girl is standing on a ledge.
A stale breath of air on the back of her neck
Urges her to step forward.
She turns, but no one is there
But the sky.
A girl is sitting in the bathroom,
All but ripping and shredding her flesh to bits.
A chuckle from the drain
As water and red gurgles,
Gurgles away.
A girl is laying in bed,
The creaks and moaning whines from the house
Echo loudly in her ears.
“What would happen,” it asks, “if you broke through the glass
And leapt out the window?”
A girl is followed,
Footsteps in time with her own,
Chased and haunted by every feeling, sound, and thought.
It seems the spirits have her too,
Because she still continues to smile.
Jul 9, 2018
Jul 9, 2018 at 1:07 AM UTC
I remember long ago I used to thirst for life;
Never did I worry about ticking time or strife.
Now I see before me, sweet life I used to devour.
I take a reluctant sip but now all I taste is sour.
Jul 8, 2018
Jul 8, 2018 at 10:51 AM UTC
A bridge broken from one side to another.
A telephone wire cut.
Something's wrong inside my head.
The thing is, I don't know just what.
Chirping alarms
Whirring fans
Smoky smells
Red. Blinking. Lights.
A robot whose been programmed wrong,
An exposed sparking wire.
The buttons don't click all the way.
Hazardous, watch for fire.
Danger
Danger
Danger
Do not approach
This automatic switch is supposed to make me excited
This one makes a genuine smile.
Nobody notices, though, that I'm on manual control
And have been for a while.
Overheating
Overworking
Overdoing
Over
Electricity and buttons and wires
Do not mix well with water, I think.
But because I'm in desperate need of repair
I'm in constant thirst for a drink.
"Should have bought that extended warranty."
"Did you turn it off and on again?"
No.
No. Because it's broken.
Hard drive shorting
Lights are blinking
And I'm thinking
My last thoughts exporting
Crackling
Clicking
Clattering
Clanking
Clunking
The only thing that works well anymore
Is the part that goes through the motions.
Perseverance is my constant notion
As I burn myself out on the shore.
It's hot to the touch.
Back off.
Soon, it might Explode
Jul 5, 2018
Jul 5, 2018 at 9:14 PM UTC
Don’t be afraid to take a big step, you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps. David Lloyd George
Chasm
The definition of chasm can come in two forms
1. A deep fissure in the earth, rock, or another surface.
2. A profound difference between people, viewpoints, feelings, etc.
Taking a big step is needed to cross both.
To get over both
and fetch for sanity.
To reach for the furthest branch
To take the leap
To jump and release.
Plummet towards the earth.
Lose all sense of reality
Master containing hope.
Just don’t let go of that rope.
Dangling from the tree of life
Channeling the strength to fight
No other human in sight.
Hindered by the gift of design.
Hindered by the thought of this lie.
Desperate to forge tonight
Hold my body up to the light.
This law we cant defy.
Is this all we’re willing to try?
Jan 25, 2018
Jan 25, 2018 at 7:41 AM UTC
In front of a silky white chair,
An aura of complete despair,
We try to contrast and compare,
This monochromatic nightmare.
I stand before this noose I dare,
To loop my neck and mark a tear,
On my skin that is not so fair,
A bright red strip exposed and bare.
I try to jump without a care,
The chair and rope comes in a pair,
Yet I loosened it with a swear,
I need to live... a life unfair.
Oct 25, 2017
Oct 25, 2017 at 10:30 PM UTC
A long day of forced, faked smiles
But you can't see behind a computer screen...
Just my bitter words.
Words I've now said
Which could lay us to rest
Because I can't say I'm feeling insecure,
Just in a bad place.
Breaking down on either end.
Distance holding us back from those three words
Which I've never said to anyone but you.
Now what do I regret?
Why does this always get the better of me?
Tear me down till I lose everything I've ever held close
Because "you're a worthless failure" haunts me,
Tortures me till I stop in my tracks...
Numb... because I can't say I'm really not okay!
Mar 9, 2017
Mar 9, 2017 at 8:43 PM UTC
I never lost my virginity
At the age of 19
To a boy who promised
That it will not hurt
I never bled
I never bit my lips
I never cried
I never slept with a writer,
Musician, chemist,
An engineer or even a *********
I never tried a pregnancy test kit
I am not scared
Of those two red lines
I never loved my best friend
Or those strangers
Who painfully ripped my body
I love those stains
Of a long forgotten past
Embedded on crumpled sheets
I was never molested
When I was 5 or so
It was just a game
I never cursed that night
I never hated my brother
I want men to crave for me
I never wanted their affection
I don’t want to ******* **** them
On streets in the middle of the night
With cat calls
I am not depressed
I love my scars
I never took ******
Just to sleep at night
Or wept in the middle of nowhere
I am a strong woman
I am not damaged
I ******* hate this life
It’s too beautiful for someone like me
This is not a poem
Of a broken girl
I am okay.
I wanna live.
I am not a liar.
A happy girl
Wrote this
Waiting for her prince charming
To free this damsel in distress
From the tower of anguish
And to live happily ever after
Sep 8, 2015
Sep 8, 2015 at 3:29 AM UTC
hold up a mirror,
say what you said
cracks, in the furor,
when there was three
of you and one of me,
you came at me from
all sides and not one
of them was "on my" side,
world is wide
ocean is deep,
you have too much pride
you are a known creep,
you are all over the details
sink to a new low,
say hello to the great whales,
as they are sounding to
be louder than you
oh let me sink into that
deep blue, I will play
chess all the way to the
bottom, and when I land
it will be lunar, see,
it will be telling, sea,
because the bottom of
the ocean, the sea, the gulf, the lake, the puddle,
already know, my weakness, my muddle,
they are looking for yours,
I warned them you were here,
"Code Name Dysthymia, dear."
May 6, 2015
May 6, 2015 at 10:31 PM UTC
the suns rays stray
bent in an array
no diffusing the display
few shy away from ultraviolet play
skin tones grow red,
hair lighter on the head,
start and finish colours bled,
the corpse moves again instead
The distance from point to point,
the distance from oil to anoint
the distance from toking that first joint,
end result was to be broken legs, if the male parent I did disappoint,
Think can become will, with stones of little steps,
A person of another country, is it possible to annex,
Dreamer, truth, no track record of success, the convex
Reflection of the sun, disperses all light
Leaves the fool in the dark
Pound sand,
tasting salty tears
no anger here, for tonight the son ... has faded
Mar 14, 2015
Mar 14, 2015 at 10:59 PM UTC
two eyes,
blank stare,
glazed glasses,
be aware,
of numbness,
of nothing...
must be ice,
no, too nice,
trace a finger, cold can burn,
as much as fire, so can desire,
if ...
can one see beyond,
beyond the flesh,
find inspired fuel,
or a be the fool,
stand before the muse
transparent, transported,
just by moving frosbit lips,
against the willing warmth,
of acceptance,
yet where be the muse,
yet let there be amuse-
ment,
because this ice is seriously,
frozen to this heart.
No light moments,
may laughter, shatter
the cast cold and surely,
refusing to be released,
it is not the fingers that
need to write but the
block that is the
frozen heart,
move
closer
please.
Feb 7, 2015
Feb 7, 2015 at 11:57 PM UTC
Its usually happens during the day,
I will catch myself laughing,
radiating genuine joy instead of the usual fraudulent happiness.
I'll feel the relief wash over me like a wave,
carrying away every dark thought i've ever had.
Leaving me feeling weightless and euphoric.
And in that brief moment
I can finally see the rays on sunlight
shining through the murkey waters of my mind.
I will be overwhelmed at the concept
to have finally made it.
To finally see the significant beauty of life
through untainted eyes.
Yet at 2am,
when the worlds asleep and i'm all alone.
The only company being
my bedroom walls.
The air will begin to thicken in my lungs,
and I will forget how to breathe.
The silence will scream at me as the empty
walls start to close in.
I will feel the numbness sink in,
and it will consume me,
as I let the tears fall begin to fall.
I will cry for myself,
and i'll cry for everyone I love.
I will cry for the ones who betrayed me,
and for all the people I have betrayed.
I will cry because there is nothing
I can do to stop the feeling of nothingness
and imense sadness hit me
in these early hours.
Tearing away my sanity with it's
claw like nails.
And only in the early hours
will I curse myself for being so niave,
foolish to think I could ever
escape my mind.
To think that I was ever ok.
Sep 28, 2014
Sep 28, 2014 at 1:46 PM UTC
Grayness swells and burns as ice
Coldness fills hollow creeks
My mindless ghost of a shell
But drifts ever so quietly
Ghostly shells as mine
Follow the current
Follow the breeze
Too weak to fight
To swim upstream
Now I am told the sun returns
But will it return without help?
Without artificial dawn?
Will this dusk be everlasting?
Never reaching devil's hour
And never returning to shiny morning
My ghost ever mourning
A loss of some unfamiliar friend
Sick for a home that has never existed
I forever dwell on my oscillating waking
Jun 2, 2014
Jun 2, 2014 at 5:44 PM UTC