#dyinginside
im dying
you can't see it because its on the inside
but i am dying
Jan 4, 2021
Jan 4, 2021 at 10:50 AM UTC
I have so much to do
yet so little time
not a penny to spend
but there's so much I need to buy
not a dollar in my pocket
and my gas light's on
I need more money
but I work, a minimum wage job
I'm behind in my online class
and can't seem to get it done
I told my mom I've submitted more assignments
when I've only half-completed some
I just failed government
a course I'm required to pass
I might not get to graduate
when all I want to do, is leave high school in the past
I just want to be happy
but lately, even breathing is hard
I need a drink and joint
and I'm still too young for the bar
the stress is like cancer
slowly taking my life away
these days, I don't even sleep
because the anxiety keeps me awake
Dec 20, 2019
Dec 20, 2019 at 6:57 PM UTC
My heart is beating
My heart is pleading
To be saved
It's going bad
It's going mad
It needs help now
Before it stops making a sound
It's yelling and yelling
It's swelling and swelling
But when it screams,
No one ever hears
They are just standing there
They just stare
It's breaking and breaking
Everything's shaking
I feel a sharp pain
Something that feels like a chain
Suffocating me
It rips through my soul
It's making holes
Then it gets to my heart
And tears it apart
Then it crumbles
And tumbles
Down a dark hole
I lose myself
And I am forced to live in the shadow
Of someone else.
Nov 5, 2019
Nov 5, 2019 at 5:18 PM UTC
I'm falling
Slowly
Falling
Into a deep black space
Nothing there
No one cares
That i'm
Falling
Dying
Inside
I smile
It pains me
I can't speak
I can't
It hurts
So silent's
My last resort.
Jan 15, 2019
Jan 15, 2019 at 8:33 AM UTC
I went out today because I carry a cross,
I went out yesterday because I wanted to,
Each and every day, I come to think of you
Can you at least come to think of me too?
This is a distorted poem,
Nothing like the usual,
but worth reading like the pain worth feeling,
Endure so much, that's what makes us.
Nov 20, 2018
Nov 20, 2018 at 9:21 PM UTC
I'm disappointed I'm not rich.
I'm disappointed I don't come from a wealthy family.
I'm disappointed I'm not white and beautiful.
I'm disappointed I have depression.
I'm disappointed in everyone I fell in love with.
I'm disappointed I didn't get into the school I had been working my whole life for.
I'm disappointed with all the failures I've had I'm my life because they are practically my life.
I'm disappointed I had to be strong and disappointed.
And I'm just so sick of being disappointed that I'm sad.
Mar 31, 2016
Mar 31, 2016 at 10:04 PM UTC
My emotions dry and crumble as leaves do.
The smell of pumpkin and cardamom
Reminds me of the day I cut myself
Deeper than I ever had before.
Sep 12, 2015
Sep 12, 2015 at 11:19 PM UTC
I've built a "wall" around myself,
A wall built up out ice,
Around my heart,
And it is the only thing that keeps me going.
If not for this "wall" then I'd be gone.
This "wall" is the smile on my face,
It is the voice of laughter you hear everyday,
But this "wall" can't hold out much longer.
It is slowly melting,
Breaking down,
My last hope of refuge in this world is gone.
Mar 7, 2015
Mar 7, 2015 at 5:21 PM UTC
She told me to write
So I did.
But now I'm left in a pile of poems and prose
That no one will ever get to read.
Feeling more emotions than I have in years
Too afraid to let them see that side of me.
My lies are bigger than I am now
So I walk in their shells
Attempting to pretend that I know what I'm doing.
She told me to write
Because what I make is beautiful
That the way my words twist and contrast
Make her interested.
That my raw emotion speaks to her
But she only saw my most prized pieces
Would my average work disappoint?
She told me to write
To let others see how I feel
Express myself in a way
That maybe they can comprehend
And attempt to understand.
But how can they possibly understand
When I'm too afraid to show them
What I actually feel like.
She told me to write
To work towards being okay
To continue putting one foot in front of the other
Because it was the only thing keeping me alive.
So I tried.
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 11:04 PM UTC
I don't want to cry tonight
I don't want to hate myself tonight
I don't want to hurt tonight
I don't want to die inside tonight
Depression
Self hate
Paranoia
Dying inside
The tears won't fall
The hate won't stop
The fear won't fade
The feeling won't leave
Tomorrow is the day I don't want to spend choking back a sob
Tomorrow is the day I don't want to spend judging myself
Tomorrow is the day I don't want to spend fearing the others
Tomorrow is the day I don't want to spend dead
Tomorrow is when I spend the day with friends
Tomorrow is when I spend the day with family
Tomorrow is when I spend the day one year older
Tomorrow is my birthday
I don't want to silently cry while my friends are asleep
I don't want to grab the razor and drag it across my skin while my family is asleep
I don't want to fear a new day while the world is asleep
I don't want to die while the night is new
Please for tomorrow stop the tears
Please for tomorrow stop the judging
Please for tomorrow stop the fear
Please don't let me die tomorrow
I'll be thirteen tomorrow
I'll be thirteen on July 25th
I'll be thirteen at 3:30PM
I'll be fine tomorrow,
Right?
Jul 25, 2014
Jul 25, 2014 at 1:51 AM UTC
When my heart beats black inside my chest, and the days I have are filled with death, and the girls I know won't walk with me, then I have my choice in misery. All the birds have died, and the plains are dry, the skyscrapers aren't lit up at night, and the city's sound sounds like nothing, then I have my choice in suffering. People talk a lot, but they hardly speak, all their voices creak in the summer streets, everybody walks but they're not moving, I try to only observe but then I start screaming.
I ******* hate the way that you look at me, your skin's so ******* clean that it feels ***** your eyes move around but you're not seeing, the way I hurt each day but you say nothing. If I tried to leave you might be happy, so I sit and be and go out at night and cheat. I would break your heart, but it hardly beats. You're my walking dead, my darling zombie.
Each day is second rate, I bore so easily. It's like the day we met ended your pleasantry. I startle all the time, you seem so unaware. I chose you number one, you chose to not even care.
I caressed you once, and undressed you thrice, you abandoned me in the middle of the night. All the time I halved, you had your own account, of every thing we did, it wasn't the right amount. Now I hardly care about the drugs you're on. I'm quoting blasphemy out of every psalm. Even the words I write don't tell half of the truth, about the way I felt chasing after you.
Apr 26, 2014
Apr 26, 2014 at 5:41 AM UTC
What the hell am I supposed to do?
With you used to be easy,
Meant for two.
Now it gets harder,
As the days drift by
We used to be so close together,
Why did you say goodbye?
She paints a pretty picture
But no one's there to see
She paints her tears on paper
And then she looks at me
I can't help her pain
I don't even try.
I just sit here crying,
As she dies inside.
I'm singing, "Oh, oh, oh"
I can feel her pain
To sacred to even stay
I tried to warn them all
But no one listened to me
They all ignored
While I had the key.
She paints a pretty picture
But no one's there to see
She paints her tears on paper
And then she looks at me
I can't help her pain
I don't even try.
I just sit here crying,
As she dies inside.
I'm singing, "Oh, oh, oh"
I can feel her pa-ain-ain
To scared to even stay
Too sacred to-
Save her life
Stop her tears,
They fell like waterfalls
That no one can hear.
Until they stopped-
She painted a pretty picture
But no one was there to see
She painted her tears on paper
And then she looked at me
I couldn't help her pain
I didn't even try.
I just sit here crying,
While she has gone to die.
Now that she is gone,
I hear her in the wind.
Endless cries of laughter,
Endless days of summer
Endless...days of...
Nothing to live for
Nothing to gain.
Now that she has gone away.
Nothing stays the same.
I paint a pretty picture.
No one's there to see,
I paint my grief on paper,
She cries down to me,
Tells me "Stop!"
As the paper turns red.
I see a figure
All dressed in white,
I see a figure,
Dancing through the night.
They paint a picture
of her and me
They turn around
And it's her I see and she's forgiven me.
Clouds of white
Blue skies below
I am with her.
Forever home.
Apr 8, 2014
Apr 8, 2014 at 8:48 PM UTC