#disassociate
fighting the disassociation
hands reaching out in fog
to grab something real
head empty, force thought
to forefront, can't stop the
feeling that I'm nobody at
all
May 18
May 18, 2026 at 8:22 PM UTC
i already miss flying
high above myself,
unaware of every ****
i should be giving.
i plant flowers in my
wounds instead,
fully aware—I feel them
grow from me
& bloom.
painful, beautiful.
and so powerful.
I used to find power in
deflecting
neglecting
rejecting &
subjecting myself.
healing is hurting.
healing is hurting.
hurt people hurt people.
but healed people heal people.
and maybe sometimes they’re the same person.
May 7, 2021
May 7, 2021 at 2:38 PM UTC
i do not think
i am in my body
no, i know
for a fact i am not
i have been away
far off in some
other space
some other place
there's roses on the floor
but they are all withered
and the red that
once looked like blood
has turned to
a dull sun
the glow from this
distance is not
beautiful
it is sickening
maybe i went too far
outer space took me away
up up up
higher and higher
on the moon
all alone here
you're talking to me
but i don't know who
it is you speak to
anymore
because i am no longer
on the earth
i have not had my feet
planted firmly on
the ground in a long time
the sky races by
and the weeks
go so fast now
i am living months and months
in the past
stuck, or maybe just gone
its too odd
to explain to you
so i will simply say
i am away
Dec 10, 2020
Dec 10, 2020 at 8:20 PM UTC
what id give to sell my soul
to feel hollow
i want to achieve artificial existence
deepening desires
to feel nothing
opulent and distant
Sep 26, 2020
Sep 26, 2020 at 9:34 AM UTC
I disassociate to my "friends" lives scrolling by,
I don't need any spliff or fungus to reach
Peak apathetic non self congruence.
Watching years pass by in seconds
Is all the psychedelic room temperature
Mental priming for my primate mental
That I could ever hope for
Before being snapped back out
By the cubed carrot reward of
Internet interaction
Which keeps me salivating and searching
For ways to increase the amount of time
I don't have to associate with that guy inhabiting my body
For a while I can see my problems as goners
Being slowly erased from my mind like a magnet over a hard drive
Until a kindly panic attack reminds my of
My lack of lack of control
And the selfless self centered guilt keeps me
Wishing I were working instead of living
Who could be so audacious
As to propose a life out side
Nov 3, 2019
Nov 3, 2019 at 3:27 PM UTC
Eyes open
Phones broken
Alarms on
Cars warm
Show up
Clock in
Do my work
Get paid
Clock out
Drive home
Feel drained
Close my eyes
Can't express
How I feel
Do I feel?
Sigh
Breathe in
Breathe out
Sleep
Apr 1, 2019
Apr 1, 2019 at 1:25 AM UTC
breathe. in. out.
what do you see?
computer-ruler-pen-calculator. sticky note. sticky note.
desk.
bag. chair.
what else do you see?
person-person--person---person----person.
who?
i don't know.
where are you?
does it matter?
who are you?
i forgot.
what are you?
disassociating.
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 2:44 PM UTC
disassociating ********
consciousness, far from here
lost amongst the clouds in the sky
as I come down, they follow me
fog lays softly upon the ground I walk on
Apr 24, 2018
Apr 24, 2018 at 12:17 AM UTC
Today my world opened up on all ends and all the different dimensions fell in on themselves.
Today I discovered what it means to be space, to exist in the realm of reality beyond my past and present.
I followed the imprint of echoes and got lost as the sirens swallowed me whole.
Today, I was a monster, peeking through holes left by stars into the realities I wish would disappear.
Today, I trickled into the atmosphere, wasted on broken glass and the blood from my throat.
Today my mask fell off and I was forced to see.
All the atoms split so far from each other I could hear the silence between reality and God.
Tomorrow I'll try to be better.
Feb 16, 2018
Feb 16, 2018 at 6:09 AM UTC
Losing grip of reality, I don’t know what’s next to me, losing touch with the world
The one I’m in that slowly flaked till fall, and I was the one who thought not of at all, but a string around the pieces,
I’ll say we tried but didn’t push, when we did we didn’t force it, when we did we fell nauseous, when we did we heard noises
Same drowned down sound of made up people around.. at least they’re not me.. said she
At least my self would never say, what she wanted to say, she wanted to burn
Darling wanted to wait her turn.. but turns donnot exist when all you need is a match and a box lies in your top drawer, your pocket, you’re a liar
When you say you wait for that heat
But let the water darling drowns in stays cool and cold getting colder around her
At least.
Nov 22, 2017
Nov 22, 2017 at 10:31 PM UTC
Knuckles white,
Bared teeth that clack together with every barked out, growled out insult.
Black eyes that show nothing but cold ferocity,
And your tears reflected in the churning, opaque surface.
Red lips, curled over teeth that are too light,
And a tongue that's too sharp.
The silver tongued flattery is gone, any sense of mercy or humanity within her words is gone.
She's throwing insults,
And they're pointed but not full of curse words.
Things like,
"Your useless daddy issues and ability to use people to give you a sense of self worth makes you even more pathetic than I previously had thought,"
Or
"How emotionally unstable and black heart'd do you have to be to lie through your teeth and attempt at wounding people worlds smarter than you are, you sick freak?"
Something else about crying wolf and worthless worms.
She analyzes people to dehumanize them.
You're sickened by her words and ability to be so cruel,
And the hot rage boiling inside her makes you feel queasy,
So you slam the door and lock it,
Locking her away.
She wasn't talking about you,
But she is you,
And that scares you more
Than you're sickened by the people she was talking about.
Nov 15, 2016
Nov 15, 2016 at 4:42 PM UTC
Saying goodbye to Holly
the best neighbor two kids trying
to move up in the world could have.
goodbye to four years
in the same house I spent
so much time in as a kid,
learning what life is
and what mistakes are.
goodbye to a neighborhood
I watched turn fear into love,
even though I still had
to lock my doors at night.
goodbye to the apartment
I came home to after
a full day of classes,
a long shift at the bar,
a session in the painting studio.
goodbye to a house
that belonged in it's place
since it was built over a century ago.
goodbye to a home
the home that comforted me
as I faced the toughest part of growing up
the home that nearly drove us apart
but in reality it had kept us together.
Aug 4, 2016
Aug 4, 2016 at 8:45 AM UTC
With hands around my neck
I smiled as he pulled up my dress
year after year
the taste of fear
became a flavor of pain I knew best
Laid me down
turned me around
held my breath as he left whispers down my back
but I'd already drifted away
behind closed eyes
my mind kept trying
to disassociate
Snapped back to reality with a slap on the ***
I giggled as he
did these things
because something about it filled in the cracks
The lace he'd given me
hid a stretch of scars
distracted from my arms
and I knew he'd say
"You look good in black"
wearing lingerie
that he could unsnap
just like he asked
May 18, 2016
May 18, 2016 at 2:55 PM UTC
*Bitter taste in my mouth
A metallic tangy taste
He shoved in his engorged enlarged shaft
as far as it'd go
He ***** & stole away my innocents
offering wine
I find this sacrilegious
more I guess like blasphemy
after all he is a Deacon
Preaching lies
more to me then our whole congregation
Sinners have to pay to get into heaven
Guess mines is my virginity
Age 10 going on 11
I'm now like *** the sacrificial wine***
I've been past round
Who'd want to go to heaven anyways
If this is the price to pay*
All I can remember is; Us surviving victim, get sour grapes
***I'm floating out of myself
as I think of them***
*I can see all that's happening
until I crash into myself
Back to my torturous reality
I wait until he pulls out
just enough to bite down hard
with all my strength........*
*Sour grapes like sour hearts,
but
So unlike sour hearts...
You can still make wine outta
Sour grapes*
Blood doesn't taste so sweet!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present
All right reserved
Dec 7, 2015
Dec 7, 2015 at 8:30 AM UTC