#defensive
Is it as I get older that I become less sure,
more inclined to explore,
looking for words that better call
for open minds and open hands
– letting our stones fall
to give room for embrace.
Is it as I get older that I sadden
at the confidence (arrogance?) of those
who fashion words as weapons
who channel living streams into moats
with no thought to building boats
with all efforts on draw-bridge defenses
less our certainties be conquered
by those with much bigger shields
and sharper swords.
Is it as I get older that my bent prayers
creak louder and are prone to deeper pain
and I better appreciate why Jesus barely contained
his despair at ill-disciplined disciples
and the divergence of their words and actions
because I am Peter and John – I run
with more questions than answers
but with tears at how he manages
to love me after all.
Mar 1, 2025
Mar 1, 2025 at 5:52 AM UTC
It's getting bad again
That feeling
That wanting
That almost need to give up
I don't know
If the glass is half empty
Or half full
I don't even see the cup
Being honest
I've begun to notice
That lately it takes far less
For these thoughts to develop
With 40 years of ammo
They are able to be relentless
And my shoddy defenses
Will not hold up
©2024
Nov 1, 2024
Nov 1, 2024 at 12:15 AM UTC
I had it yelled at me once, "you don't even know what love is!"
At first the accusation put me on the defensive
But the examples to me of laugh, love, live
Has always been top tier corrosive, a wildly destructive narrative
©2024
Jun 21, 2024
Jun 21, 2024 at 10:33 PM UTC
Just like a shirt cannot
hide the hurt
or a headache
beneath a hat
nor a heartache in a suit
or cold feet in a boot
or glove for a trembling hand
neither a thought I think
could be bound
by a headband
You may appear
cool, calm and collected
but make-up and costume
cannot hide the bleeding
of a wound thats infected
Mar 16, 2022
Mar 16, 2022 at 6:11 AM UTC
Careful, love,
that you are not
too well-guarded,
sounding high alerts
until no one
dares approach
your gates.
Mind not to wind
yourself too tight
out of fear
to let loose
some brittle flaw
until you splinter
and shatter.
A closed fist
a lover never made--
Loosen your grip
on your expectations
of the audience,
and simply play
your part.
Come curtain,
we may
surprise
each other.
Apr 7, 2021
Apr 7, 2021 at 3:15 AM UTC
You can build them if you need. But don't scream behind them when another being sends letters through the holes you made to seek what you needed all along.
Dec 25, 2020
Dec 25, 2020 at 8:15 AM UTC
It's been storming for a while
Can't you hear the window panes shaking
Can't you feel the house shivering
From the bitter wet cold...
I think something is leaking
My heart has a crack
Now it's dripping onto the floor
It's been storming for a while in there
I feel the thunder roar
The howling of the wind
I can feel my heart freezing
Then I feel that strike of lightning
One sharp crack
Breaking down the roof of my heart
Pouring rain
Pain...
Maybe that house needed to burn down
In the howling rain
I can build it up again
Better than before
A warm place inside
During any weather
Even the worst storm
Jan 16, 2020
Jan 16, 2020 at 4:13 PM UTC
She dresses in black,
smudging eyeliner on
her soft eyes.
Applying dark shades of lipstick
and leave her black hair to be caressed
by the ice cold wind.
She wears a cold attitude
and turns her kind heart
to stone, all to resonate intimidation
just to avoid being hurt.
Jul 24, 2019
Jul 24, 2019 at 2:06 PM UTC
Eyes ache with loads of uncried tears
As my chest caves with the weight of
A heart that can't live freely
I just want to live
I want to be alive
I want to be free in this life
To have one at all
Because I'm so stuck right now
Trapped behind my own mind
And I'm grateful that it's protected me
But I am safe now
I don't need such high security
I don't need to be on guard with everyone
It's ok to be afraid and to not trust
But it doesn't help if I can't open up
I feel so alone
Yet I maintain that same state
I have people that truly care and love me
But I don't let them see me
My mind doesn't want to be vulnerable
It thinks others will see it as a weakness
And the weakest are the easiest to break
I'm afraid to get hurt again
I can't handle becoming another target
Which is extremely ironic considering
I'm the one the aiming the gun
At the most genuine piece of my soul
May 5, 2019
May 5, 2019 at 1:02 PM UTC
I am the girl who brings the rain
I am the girl of many floods
so be wary
for
I don a cloak of thistles
and thorns when
provoked.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Apr 21, 2019
Apr 21, 2019 at 10:52 AM UTC
Under the sheets of emotional armor,
A shy little girl masquerades as a martyr.
She’s the Queen of Deceit with her lies getting smarter,
While every tale told draws her self even farther
From finding out why she’s emotionally bothered
By all of the men in her life: like her father
Who only was trying the best for his daughter
And striving to be something more than a pauper
But coming up short. Who knows how much harder
He’d try if she wasn’t an argument starter?
The guilt and the shame from the family slaughter
Has made her insane and continues to bar her
From finding out just what the world has to offer.
Luckily she won’t have to be here much longer;
In fairy-tale land, there's nothing can harm her.
She suddenly finds herself all alone
With nobody’s thoughts to address but her own.
This is the time when she’d pick up the phone,
Demanding a savior to hear her bemoan
About all the problems that she’s ever known,
But what she doesn’t know is a friend can’t atone
For the lack of a man with his patience to loan
To a lost little girl whose bad temper is known.
All she needs is a strong one that doesn’t condone
All the treacherous lies and the hatred she’s shown.
It’s hard to deny all the reaping she’s sewn.
She’ll have to tread soft lest her cover is blown
And everyone finds out she still hasn’t grown
Through the hundreds of tempers and tantrums she’s thrown.
Hopefully soon she can bury the bone
And calm herself into a nostalgic zone
Where smiles and candles were filling her home
And love and affection were all that was loaned.
Enlightenment comes when you realize you’re prone
To the wrath of the heartache that comes with the throne.
Oct 11, 2015
Oct 11, 2015 at 8:07 AM UTC
Nothing turns this angel down
Excellence, in the flesh
And if they try, an evening gown
In satin works the best
Is beauty deeper than the skin?
Surely she'll impress
Instead of showing what's within
She forces you to guess
Eyes of gold been tarnished brown
By tears that have been wept
Dark and shining locks abound
Make up for shades not kept
Sin runs red in times of blue
Every angel's seen
Temptation's there to carry you
When you have lost your wings
Consider but the outside shell
For that is most well-known
Appearing to be straight from hell
To garnish feelings shown
How could she be so mean, you ask?
What makes her be so spiteful?
Why can't she see it's not a mask
That makes her feel delightful?
Lies frozen, held through time
In silent desperation
Hiding at the scene of crime
A ****** confrontation
To free the memories from her head
Would unleash such a fear
She'd rather end the night instead
As not to feel him near
Ah, here's the one; the big bad wolf
That's haunted all her dreams
Whom proved too well by wearing wool
All are not as they seem
But I am **** but skin and fur
And showing her my core
And telling her the parts that hurt
While donning nothing more
He's changed her mind, she's cast astray
But I could be the shepherd
To keep the hungry wolves at bay
As countless dogs endeavored
One light can only shine so much
Before the flame has died
To reignite it just a touch
Of love might satisfy
Surely there is nothing worse
Than feeling left to dry
Entrapped within a lover's curse
And never knowing why
Well, in defense of self-defense
I must admit it's snide
To hang a face upon the fence
Until you've picked a side
It's safe, my friend, just be yourself
Strip down to nothing hidden
And let emotion feed your health
By eating the forbidden
A heart must be coaxed from its hide
With tenderness and passion
In order for the passersby
To notice what has happened
From way out here it's hard to tell
But underneath a soul
That liberates a girl of twelve
Longs for a soul to hold
To hold would mean to carry, too
When harsh times rear their heads
To be the one to follow through
When love needs to be fed
But most of all it means to dress
With confidence or loathing
Just make sure you can impress
A saint in Sinner's clothing
Jun 16, 2018
Jun 16, 2018 at 3:16 AM UTC
It's a shame you don't understand
***
How unfortunate that I can't understand
Love.
May 1, 2018
May 1, 2018 at 1:39 PM UTC
I don’t care if you think you can save me
I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me
I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever
I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence
I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am
I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control
I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
Do you understand now that not everything is about you
Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me
Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with
Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
Mar 19, 2018
Mar 19, 2018 at 8:01 PM UTC
There's a fence all around me,
It keeps people away,
It gives me space of my own,
It keeps others at bay,
I constructed it myself,
It's the price I must pay.
It goes up for a mile,
While still touching the ground,
People have searched for a way in,
But one has never been found,
It's an impenetrable barrier,
That no sledge hammer can pound.
Does it make me feel claustrophobic,
Or does it make me feel secure,
Once I knew all the answers,
But now I'm not so sure,
Shall I make a hole in my fence,
Shall I fill it with a door?
Here I am stuck
In a defensive retreat,
I once so craved victories,
But I feared more a defeat,
Should I tunnel under my fence,
Should I dig really deep?
Should I stay here in my cocoon,
Or should I go out and explore,
Should I try again to embrace life,
Even though I failed once before,
Shall I cut an hole in my fence,
Need I bother fill it with a door?
My fence was to keep others out,
But it is both friend and foe,
For it also keeps me in,
When all I want is to go,
Shall I place explosives around it
And wait for it to blow?
All right you win, I'm coming out,
Waving a white flag up high,
I hope I fare better this time,
'Cos I'm reaching for the sky,
I'm taking off my lead boots,
This time ... please help me to fly!
Aug 11, 2017
Aug 11, 2017 at 3:09 PM UTC
Tried telling someone
Those things you keep deep inside?
~
Tried telling someone
You dont belong in this world?
~
Tried telling someone
Being you, isn't a good thing?
~
Tried telling someone
They'll never understand...?
Oct 12, 2016
Oct 12, 2016 at 7:49 AM UTC
I over-react quite a lot
It's one of my biggest flaws
I get angry real easy
This kid has got some claws
I'm over protective
Just a little defensive
Sometimes, quite offensive
But nobody's perfect
I slink in the shadows
Do you know who I am?
I might say I'm okay
But do you really understand?
I have scars on my body
And one pasted on my face
Ever heard of a façade?
This one is black buttons and lace
May 3, 2016
May 3, 2016 at 10:27 PM UTC
Oh! A spark!
Better let the wind blow
Better not let this THING glow
For once it glows
It glows for a while
Slowly,
It gets difficult to survive
Who's choking who?
Nobody knows!
Killing it equally,
Faster then we built
It's like the cold steel now
Discomforting to touch,
Unbearable to handle.
Now, in the dark,
How do we light the candle?
Oh! A spark!
Better not let the wind blow
Better let this THING glow
Feb 8, 2016
Feb 8, 2016 at 4:59 PM UTC
You could blame everyone
Knowing you're the one at fault
You could taste the bitterness
A lifetime supply of salt
Oct 29, 2015
Oct 29, 2015 at 8:34 AM UTC
There are two reasons why people get defensive.
They are either being greeted with a categorical lie about their nature.
But more likely an absolute but as of yet unaccepted truth of themselves.
Jan 6, 2015
Jan 6, 2015 at 12:25 PM UTC
Don't blame the lion for the pride
Don't let yourself whisper those insults
Don't see the bad and push away the good
Realize there's more to the pride than that
Because even though the Alpha Male
May not be who you'd choose
It's not up to you
Or me
Or he
It's up to the fittest
And his mighty roar may petrify the gazelles
Who ignorantly graze on the pride's land
Who sheepishly bolt away from danger
But the pride should have no fear
The pride should rally around the fearsome roar
Not be scattered around like gazelles
And when one member
Leaves the pride
He steps off the captain's seat
And begins to eat the grass
Sep 16, 2014
Sep 16, 2014 at 9:13 PM UTC