#ckeleos
And I will romanticize the way we fell out of love until the day I die so that I may mourn in peace. I don’t want to know you as someone who violated my boundaries and called it care. I don’t want to know you as someone who stepped into my chest and destroyed everything in sight in the blink of an eye. Without even trying, really. I don’t want to know you as someone who robbed me of a year of life and gave me two years of flashbacks and rose memories and harrowing remembrance of what was- what was so powerful and encompassing and beautiful that when we split I knew nothing but emptiness. I don’t want to admit or accept that I allowed myself to be treated like that. So I will remember the way you hurt me but leave that part out when I talk about you. I will write about you in gold to give myself more time to forget what was underneath.
Jul 7, 2019
Jul 7, 2019 at 12:05 PM UTC
I don’t know exactly when I lost you.
Somewhere in the middle of me
Falling apart on a perfectly timed cycle
And blaming my sadness on your apathy,
I remember you told me you couldn’t handle it anymore.
I don’t know when, I remember the way you walked out the door.
And how when I chased after you, peeling paint cracked off where the handle was
Before I started trusting you and started leaving the door open
I remember when I gained you,
Everything went silent
When you told me you needed me
I called your “I love you’s” filler words
And you called me paranoid
I remember hibiscus kisses, stumbling
Over broken pavement outside my apartment
Where we made love on the couch
And I felt the blood in my veins
Make its way to my heart
And I finally felt that feeling
I waited my entire life for
I felt you and my favorite record playing
And I thought that was what it was like to be alive
And to be happy about it, for once
And then you left and now I drive in silence
Music makes me sick
Six months after you left I learned what it meant when people
Told me I had to get over it or it would **** me
Because I tried to **** me and the pictures that flashed across my face
As it started to fade,
Were all of you
Apr 17, 2019
Apr 17, 2019 at 5:45 PM UTC
Tell me what it’s like to fall out of love
So beautifully and with ease,
You walked away, me still on the street
And still managed to make it look like art,
Our love was never movie-like but the ending was,
Alone and grey on the pavement, begging for your patience
So I could prove to you one more time that I was worthy of being with
But you never wanted to hear it
Apr 17, 2019
Apr 17, 2019 at 5:42 PM UTC
Next week would have been our anniversary.
Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since you’ve smiled at me, and 2 since we’ve laughed together.
But next week would have been our anniversary,
And just a month ago we were so happy.
Isn’t it crazy?
Nov 29, 2018
Nov 29, 2018 at 1:34 AM UTC
I was never going to be happy the way we were going to be but I made myself believe I would so I had something to grieve.
Nov 27, 2018
Nov 27, 2018 at 5:11 PM UTC
I forced myself to stop loving you
Because holding on was suffocating
Urban ivy, forgiving fists
I forced myself to stop loving you
Until it worked,
until I hated you in every way I never wanted to
Nov 26, 2018
Nov 26, 2018 at 9:12 AM UTC
Please don’t forget me when you move on and you are happy again.
I know I caused you pain but we spent so many months laughing.
It’s hard to imagine being whole without you now.
Nov 15, 2018
Nov 15, 2018 at 12:43 AM UTC
I will let you go
So that we can grow
Separately on our own
It hurts to pull you through my fingers
But I need them back, I’ve seeds to sew
Nov 7, 2018
Nov 7, 2018 at 11:19 AM UTC
Your rib cage was a poor place
To build myself a tightrope,
Even poorer place to make into a home
But I did it anyway,
You let me stay
Made a kingdom out of your face,
What a place, what a place
Nov 2, 2018
Nov 2, 2018 at 12:54 PM UTC
I think you loved me out of obligation
You needed a project, I needed salvation.
When roses grew between my lips and my place in your bed, you picked them and offered them to Someone else instead.
Nov 1, 2018
Nov 1, 2018 at 8:56 PM UTC
heavy in my chest
where you used to lay your head
shaking in my hands
where we used to play pretend
where forever was tangible,
it was your lips on my forehead
it was my laughter imprinted on your bed
now nothing feels right
without you here by my side
Oct 25, 2018
Oct 25, 2018 at 6:07 PM UTC
I am just
A willing fool
In love with you
My skin is yours
Your heart is mine
I love you, dear
For all time
Oct 16, 2018
Oct 16, 2018 at 9:58 AM UTC
Yesterday
We kissed in sunlit woods
I felt my soul latch onto yours, again
Wind and your lips on my skin
Paralyzed with happiness again
We ****** on the living room floor
After hours spent convincing ourselves
We couldn’t, we wouldn’t
I don’t regret a thing
Oct 14, 2018
Oct 14, 2018 at 9:55 PM UTC
I miss
The parts of you
That made me, me
But i am Whole,
I am an entirety
Oct 14, 2018
Oct 14, 2018 at 9:30 PM UTC
I kissed every inch of your body this morning, except for your mouth.
We created boundaries, to keep us from hurting.
I waited until I got into the car to start crying
so you would not have to watch me understand, again,
what I was losing.
I saw my pain in your eyes,
we spent the weekend trying to undo the hurt,
It didn't work.
Oct 3, 2018
Oct 3, 2018 at 7:39 PM UTC
I am still sorry
More than yesterday
Have not washed my hair because
it still smells like the last night we shared
together in your bed
I cannot wrap my head around it yet
Oct 3, 2018
Oct 3, 2018 at 7:37 PM UTC
I have had dreams for 3 nights in a row where I am strong like ocean currents, I am amber rose sunsets, I am graceful, I am outspoken drunk girl in bar but I have not had a drink; I have swallowed everything else until now, in these dreams where I am strong. In these dreams that I have had for 3 nights in a row, you are wrong and Justice is my sneaker on your throat, it is your apology dripping venom off your tongue, it is you asking for my mercy instead of me asking you to stop over and over. In these dreams, I am telling you what you did to me in front of a room of people that you love, instead of a room full of people that I love asking me how I even got into this situation. In these dreams, I am crushing your words in my hand and planting flowers with the dirt and dust I took out of my throat. I give them as an apology to my partner for the year we spent trying to put me back together and it only kind of working. In these dreams I am already healed, as a past participle and as a present state, I am not fearful that I will not ever change the way I walk in the street, I can go on my old campus without forgetting how to breathe, I can do anything, really. In these dreams, for 3 nights I have been the kind of strong that other women who have had this happen to them look to for strength, I have rooted my forgiveness deep in my chest where resentment used to lay. In these dreams I am a woman I love who does not blame herself. In these dreams I am hurting you and you cannot speak. I swallow the irony. I am outspoken and loudly tell the world our story- and every time you beg or plead or say “no” I tell it again so they can hear me. In my dreams people finally hear me. I have been sleeping in.
Aug 8, 2018
Aug 8, 2018 at 2:20 PM UTC
I miss cigarettes
And you
I’ve yet to get rid
of the sting in my throat
From either of the two
Nov 6, 2017
Nov 6, 2017 at 10:29 AM UTC
Enchanted mattress
Empty, abandoned fortress
Now, since you left.
We used to cast spells here
last one felt more like a hoax
Why did you cut out my voice box
With the springs left in my spine?
Enchanted mattress
Hall light shines through the door in the cracks
Oh how I want you back with me, here
I miss your manipulating ways here
Enchanted mattress,
Who am I kidding?
You’re never coming back here
I miss your hands around my throat here
And I don’t know why
But I don’t sleep anymore
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 1:56 PM UTC
If I use you
To cope with
the loneliness
what will I do
when you go away?
no one has ever stayed
Oct 27, 2017
Oct 27, 2017 at 11:38 PM UTC
Love isn’t worth heartbreak anymore,
I’m sick of waking up in glass shards on the floor, when I was 16 I swore I’d never get so hurt in love that I had to find physical relief
But I look for you in every man I see
And every man that I let hit me
Oct 27, 2017
Oct 27, 2017 at 2:05 PM UTC
I am
Tearing apart at seams
Somebody else crafted in me
Again I find myself empty
When someone leaves
I create this opportunity
With wandering doe eyes
And lead feet, you won’t break me
I plead as I scrounge for change to
Catch a cab home to see you
If you’re still there
It isn’t fair that
I was born with open hands for a brain
And you a curious carpenter built my house on land laid over a lake
I did not anticipate or prepare for this
Love is not frontline
You are not my lifeline
For the second time in my life
I must refine what it means to love
And what it means to hide shards of my spine so that I may be loved back
This time I sliced my front side open
Because you kissed me like I was not flawed
And then when I opened my mouth
A thousand bones fell out
And you ran off
Oct 23, 2017
Oct 23, 2017 at 11:31 AM UTC
if you were not to love me
you would at least feel bad for me
i wanted you in my life even if it meant pity
you don't understand how i molded my lungs around your arms
and my security around your spine
the bending of yours fueled the shatter of mine
Oct 22, 2017
Oct 22, 2017 at 10:26 PM UTC
you made it so hard to care for you. you made it so easy to love you and easier to lose all progress, collapse in on myself every time we touched lips, when yours moved your words hollowed me out like a rusty locket I never took off even when it hurt me to wear, I was never fully aware of the fact that you did not love me back because it hurt to know that once again, I was the one who loved more. I got sick of the silence, it ate away at me like a wasp's nest invades a tree unexpectedly, I loved silence until I loved you and then it drove me crazy. You made me lay my past out across sidewalks of the town we grew up in. I told you everything. Please don't go. You convinced yourself that loving me was going to be easy and when I fainted and fell off my pedestal you darted before anyone could tell where you were going and no one has heard from you since. Please don't go. Why am I so hard to love? Why did you promise me that you would never hate me and then leave? Why am I so hard to love? Please don't go. I wear your whiskey stained sweaters as an armor and I fight with the mirror and the keys that you left in the door. Where did you go? Please come home. I won't ask you to make the bed anymore and I won't tell you the reasons I felt I was unlovable, I know it drove you crazy when I talked about myself like that. Why did you go?
Oct 4, 2017
Oct 4, 2017 at 2:30 PM UTC
I will always be too much to love
I’ll always love too much
I find my love is not enough
I find myself empty
Seeking validation in other souls
Outside my own,
Messy and alone,
I’ll always be too much to love
Sep 24, 2017
Sep 24, 2017 at 12:45 AM UTC