#cbt
I signed the paper with a government issued pen,
Twenty maybe twenty-one—close enough to pretend
I understood the weight of a name in ink,
the fine print no one teaches you to read or think.
They said college paid, said you’ll be set,
said discipline, pride—no regrets.
They showed me uniforms, starched and clean,
not the dirt that settles in places unseen.
I thought it’d be drills, travel, fun stories to tell,
marching in rhythm, no problems, sleeping well.
I didn’t picture the heat in my chest,
or the sound a body makes when it loses its breath.
Guatemala—thick air, heavy and loud,
jungle pressing in like a judging crowd.
Orders came fast, no time to debate,
just a second’s decision that rewrote my fate.
There’s a moment that lives behind my eyes,
no matter how many times I try to disguise
the way it felt—too quick, too real,
how permanent a single pull of my M60 could feel.
They said I did what I had to do,
said good job, soldier, said we’re proud of you.
Pinned fancy ribbon to BDUs, shook my hand,
called it courage I didn’t understand.
A Bronze Star glinted in a quiet drawer,
but it didn’t soften the growing wore.
It didn’t answer the silent stare
of someone who isn’t alive anymore, but still there.
They told me, move on, like it’s a place you leave,
like grief’s a coat you can just unweave.
Like memory fades if you let it sit—
but memory doesn’t work like that. Not even a little bit.
It lingers in corners, it sharpens with time,
repeats itself like a broken rhyme.
Gets louder in quiet, heavier still,
a shadow that follows despite your will.
I went in thinking life would begin,
came out carrying something under my skin.
Not visible scars, no blood to show,
just a weight that refused to let me go.
And they’ll keep the records, the medals, the praise—
neatly filed in patriotic ways.
But the truth doesn’t fit in a ceremony speech:
some things you do never loosen their reach.
No one ever asked me if something was wrong or if I was OK…not even a single "mental health advocate".
© 2026 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.
Mar 26
Mar 26, 2026 at 8:37 AM UTC
Inside my fragile mind,
thoughts swirl like a whirlwind,
tumbling and crashing
as flashbacks build stress and fear,
and I am not strong enough,
as I plead for the old me again.
Yet I pause,
searching for the silence,
as I challenge my senses.
I let it all settle,
like dust finding rest
on an old sunlit
cobwebbed windowsill.
It takes patience
like pulling tangled linen
from messy cupboards,
slowly unravelling and refolding
all of the trauma and pain,
arranging them carefully
back onto their shelves again.
Processing
one
thought
at
a
time.
What if this trauma reveals
no flaws, but stories
with each courageous step forward
on this discovery journey,
each moment a lesson,
blunting the sharp edges
of my harsh self-judgment.
A kind hand reaches out
talking and listening
as the healing cognitive shifts begin,
and the storm clouds slowly part,
revealing warm sunlight,
teaching me at last
that it is okay to feel.
Step by step,
we build upon the foundations
of the past and future,
finding anchors,
to ground my scattered thoughts,
as I learn to breathe easy again.
From my traumatic moments,
hope emerges from an open book
as my life turns a page,
revealing a fresh chapter
and a newfound strength
as my vulnerability now stands
free and fiercely proud.
We gather up
the scattered pieces,
and walls crumble down,
as an understanding dawns.
Life's chaos grows quieter
when faced with the truth,
and in each moment I found resilience
to this part of my challenged life.
Together,
We rode through the storm
to find the calm within its eye,
where clarity begins,
the heart and mind unite
and I finally realise
that we are all worthy
of finding peace.
©️Lizzie Bevis
May 19, 2025
May 19, 2025 at 2:36 AM UTC
it seems to me
that breathing deeply
and counting to ten
just gives them
another opportunity
to irritate me
even more
Feb 12, 2024
Feb 12, 2024 at 6:57 AM UTC
right under her nose
but she didn't know
it didn't want to impose
kept to the pattern and flow
no longer spiralling
but stuck
like gum on your shoe
like some bad luck
if you squint your eyes
and hold your breath
you will detect an end
but nothing like a death
memories are merely in our mind
sometimes you get triggered
and you are now blind
feeling disfigured
unlearning old habits is a fight
such a familiar face
the old you, a comfortable place
a room with no daylight
but the wheels keep turning
and the world keeps spinning
she is still learning
somehow it's just the beginning
Oct 1, 2020
Oct 1, 2020 at 10:07 AM UTC
Is it that I crave
an understanding of self
amidst a turmoil of state
or is it that I'm a coward
always running from
crying out for
justifying
what I
always
knew
to be
true.
Jun 2, 2020
Jun 2, 2020 at 2:12 PM UTC
A place in which to ponder
not a milky way
universal complexity
repulsions war attractions
feelings and asensuality
the creation of ones oan
cosmic chatter
slowing the flows
dragging the darkness down
energy implosion
darkness a place of harmonius existence
safety
isolation
deafing in reality
speaking in circles
hearing it all
unable to translate from the light
want to stay longer
energy sapping
overheating
drawing on previous knowledge
driving experiences forward
deciding the options
balancing the ideas and harvest
break free into the light
an eerie world
where life exists
weigh the risks to venture forth
open the aqueducts
fountains draw us out
relief in existence
appreciate the worries
deal in the contradictions
manage the cliff edge
make a pact with your soul
socialising tendrils
start to walk
deep sleep enter thy vessel
a place to dream good and bad
protective and restoring
open-hearted dutifully imploring
with authentic rhythm
assemble gods of energy
write out, light up the abyss
speak out, quench the abyssum
baby steps and leave that abyss alone
May 20, 2020
May 20, 2020 at 4:35 PM UTC
The mind can be a
poisonous vine,
That twists
and creeps,
corrupts
and thrives
Until
You
Recognise
The twisting vine,
is kept alive -
Only
If it’s scrutinised.
Nov 27, 2018
Nov 27, 2018 at 4:18 PM UTC
So,
here I am...
Seeing,
thinking
and doing what I can
To live this thing called ‘existence’
again...
Wait up!
Before I continue....
This is going to be a long one
and may be new to some of you...
So before I continue,
I’ve got nothing to lose,
by sharing my beliefs with you....
For this is something I MUST do,
I’m no guru,
And I’m certainly no preacher,
but perhaps a healer,
so maybe listen to these words,
Of which I’m pretty sure you’ve heard already,
I assure you this won’t be deadly!
And it’s even politically correct
You see,
this body that you see me in,
with a name, an ego,
and well, anything else I have been assigned with,
Day in,
Day out
is just an image,
a bridge between the spirit world
and the living world,
In the name of Nature,
in the name of Karma,
and in the name of what we all know as...
the universe.
Don’t you just love how diverse and connected everything and everyone is?
I wish it wasn’t relevant but it’s a shame that some people around us just can’t accept this.
All I can do is tell you that you can’t change others, only how YOU adapt to them in a positive way
because we must all preserve our reputation, another important perception and seal THAT with a kiss so whaddya say?
Our own mental health should come first right?
well, THIS is how I cope because at the end of the day,
It’s only myself who can be my own true guiding light.
it’s gotten me through my worst and weakest days,
and let me strongly express this that these feelings we go through is just a phase.
So just incase YOU are feeling under the weather today,
don’t forget that even though you are just an image that not only YOU have helped to create,
Not everyone sees, thinks and feels the same way,
It’s okay to bear in mind that time is what you make it,
so don’t let a beautiful illusion like YOU go to waste
Jun 25, 2018
Jun 25, 2018 at 6:17 PM UTC
I made a vision board
in CBT therapy
four years ago
I pasted a Keaton Henson quote
“I think a lot of art is trying to make someone love you”
on my board
I just thought it was a nice quote
My therapist then proceeded to tell me
not to create for anyone else
but myself.
I proceeded to not listen.
I’m still writing poems about you
I’m still drawing your hands
I’m still in love
and we haven’t talked in years.
Jun 10, 2018
Jun 10, 2018 at 2:35 AM UTC
Reality is psychosomatic
We perpetuate thought-form
On a treadmill of synchronistic
Patterns
Passing self-doubt
In a transcendence contest
Fear vs. desire,
The pillars of motivation,
Exploited
With the best intention
Thought
to
Feeling
to
Action
A dream-scape manifested
Apr 5, 2015
Apr 5, 2015 at 11:34 PM UTC
Write me a meal plan in bright red pain
And tell me this is the answer to all my problems again
Force down a tube through my nose and into my stomach
And watch as I flummox out of control
Fill this gaping hole inside of me
With drugs and sedation
Numb out pain and realisation
Force feed me promises and a smile
Only to regress back in a while.
Fill these cracks
With temporary fixtures
Concoctions of pills and other mixtures.
Treat me with CBT and psychotherapy
Tell me one day ill be free
And maybe if you say it enough times
Ill start to believe it
As much as you say you do.
May 1, 2014
May 1, 2014 at 9:30 AM UTC
'Nothing bad is going to happen'
is the alternative thought that
I wish would stop me bleeding.
Apr 22, 2014
Apr 22, 2014 at 1:40 PM UTC