#bullimia
I would like to separate myself
The division of my body
Scoop it all out of the shell
Deep clean my insides
Expel my chyme
I move through air better
Empty.
I loose
pieces of me
On purpose.
An unsolvable puzzle,
Is a lighter one.
But I am still hungry
Like an animal;
Like a stray dog.
Hunting.
Growling.
Like stray dog
Begging for a man's food.
I am also the man
Who denies him.
They say
I am no longer allowed
To not allow myself.
BUT
I will never have the luxury
Of being thankful for permission,
And now I have lost the luxury of occluding myself.
I JUST
WANT TO GET IT OUT
I WANT TO WRING THE SALIVA OUT OF MY TONGUE
BEFORE THEY WEIGH ME
I WANT TO GORE CHUNKS OUT OF MYSELF
LIKE PIECES OF BIRTHDAY CAKE
I WANT TO SHAVE OFF MY EDGES
TILL MY HEART IS ALL THAT REMAINS
I NEED TO SHATTER
Into one million shards of myself
So I am nothing but a fraction of what I once was.
BECAUSE IF I WAS IN PEICES
My shards would be smaller.
They would be lighter
And that is how I would prefer to be.
May 16
May 16, 2026 at 2:07 PM UTC
Every night I pass my mirror and I hear the beckoning call,
"Come to me my love I won't hurt you, not at all".
I turn to see the bright familiar face a ghostly apparition shimmering in the mirror,
she always lures me with intentions that make myself quiver,
and yet I yearn to go back always for more,
Mia the perfect girl; the final form.
My hand raises as I begin to touch the light she casts,
I see myself reflecting in the background,
I am faded while she dominates the glass.
Darkness entails me when I step through the mirror,
a sickening feeling of blindness and sheer terror.
All I hear is the echoing laughter of the sickening girl, hurling insults and making me want to dive deeper into her world,
"Disgusting
"Worthless
"Horrible"
And
"Fat"
These are only the mediocre things she says when I'm fighting this horrible trap.
But again I always come back always for more,
I conjure this, as I ***** on the toilet of her bathroom floor.
Mia is holding my hair, consoling while Im chocking and sprawled.
"Good girl" she says "You have nothing to fear not anymore"
She picks me up grasps me tells me I'm now beautiful,
" Thank you" I reply "then why do I feel so horrible?"
"For you are killing yourself you see; look back into the mirror and follow me"
I follow In desperation willing myself to live,
I want to be perfect but is dying something I truly can forgive?
I glance again, a reflection of myself and her by my side.
She whispers in my ear "you are not truly alive"
I look back towards myself she is now gone but I still stand there,
We are one
now a whole,
Her world is my own and now I'm left all alone.
Apr 12, 2016
Apr 12, 2016 at 5:35 PM UTC
try, try, try once more
you can't be perfect but don't be a bore
try, try, try and see
one day soon this fear will leave
try, try, with all your might
maybe one day you will be thin and lite
try, try, try the pain
pretty is still pretty when pretty's in vain
Apr 3, 2016
Apr 3, 2016 at 11:28 PM UTC
I am in a relationship with food
and it is complicated.
A constant tug-of-war
in my mind
fighting each other
as if both sides of my brain
are siblings
and I am the toy.
The constant bickering
throwing me from one side of the spectrum
to the other.
Recovery verse Relapse
is the question.
Am i happier healthy
or not functioning at all?
I am in a relationship with food
and I'm still trying to end it
no matter how many times it wakes me up
in the middle of the night.
Feb 22, 2016
Feb 22, 2016 at 10:40 AM UTC
Perfect. By: Hannah Ostenberg
Puffed out cheeks, sunken eyes, raw throat, salty tears that run down my dry skin,
I am perfect.
Dry thin brittle hair, nails that are chipping away, Bruises litter my paper thin skin,
I am perfect.
Thigh gap of an inch and a half, Concaved stomach, hip bones sharp like glass, ribs so prominent that when my thin cold fingers run over them feeling every dip between, they could be strummed like a one of a kind vintage guitar making a sad melody,
I am perfect.
Heavy chest, Short breath, Numb limbs, Cold skin,To weak to get out of bed,
I am perfect.
Make up painted face, fake smiles, Daily lies, “I’m not hungry, I already ate, I’m ok, I‘m fine, I‘m just tired”
I am perfect.
I am perfect,
I am prefect, Perfect at lying.
I am perfect.
I am perfect, Perfect at dying
I am perfect.
I am perfect, I am perfectly killing myself, but to the outside, to society, I’m just….
Perfect.
By: Hannah Ostenberg
Jan 7, 2016
Jan 7, 2016 at 3:28 PM UTC
By Nabs
07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. Nightmare haunting my steps, as if it doesn't want to let me go.
Waking up was less dreadful than getting ready.
07.03 AM :
Turning the water knobs, was like an exorcism.
More aware, more awake, yet the blankness was still there. I wonder If today's the day.
The shower was cold as always.
I went out to fetch the towel, I never once looked at the mirror.
9.30 AM :
The first period was literature.
We're learning about the classic fairy tales. The teacher asked us for questions.
' Why does stories only tell about the fairest of them all?"
I managed to seal the questions back to where in belong.
9.55 AM :
The girl next to me received a crumpled paper ball.
She's very kind, and have the sweetest dimples.
As she reads, I can see her self esteem crumpling up, not unlike a paper ball.
I hugged her.
She asked, with hollowed voice, If I wanted to know what was written on it.
I shook my head, I already know what it is.
It's the same word, that still echoes in my world.
'FAT ASS', was written on the paper.
12.30 PM :
Lunch was always a tiring affair.
Noisy chatters and baleful glare.
Distaste at how the line seems to never end.
Counting calories to pass the time.
Glancing at my wrist, deciding what food to eat based on the way my hands circle my wrist.
12. 34 PM :
Navigating cafeteria was even worse.
It's like avoiding the poisonous full course, that an assassin serve at you.
Bullying as a side dish, teenage drama as the main course, illusion of escape as the dessert.
The hustle and bustle of school life.
You are bound to accidentally consume that poisonous ****
12.45 PM :
After I finished eating mashed potato and green beans, some hyenas approached me.
They clawed pleasantries and congratulated me.
"What for?"
"You are thin now! That's like so awesome! "
"But--"
"Also a friendly advice, I'd watch out for that mashed potatoes! Thinking about all that calories make me shudder!"
They walked away with a bounce on their feet, and howls so loud that all the others are staring at them curiously.
I am left bleeding out and nauseous at the encounter.
I clutched my stomach, feeling claustrophobic.
Desperately, trying to banish the thought of emptying my self.
12.59 PM :
The sound of flushing, hits my ear.
Shame crashed against me with doubled force.
I heave again. Body trembling.
The bell rang.
14.00 PM :
It's the last period for the day.
It was health class, and the teacher are telling us about the importance of food. That denying your self sustenance was equal to slowly killing yourself.
He looked at me, I pretend to not see.
Last week, a senior died of anorexia.
His body was too used of rejecting food that he couldn't accept their proposal again.
His stomach balked at the thought of getting back again.
He said goodbye to the world after 7 days of divorce.
The funeral was a messy affair.
I knew him.
15.00 PM :
I opened my locker,
Head spinning from all the people that approached me today.
They were people I barely know.
Congratulating me on losing my weight. Said I was prettier. Said I look good like this. Said I should keep being this way.
Asking me, what's the secret?
They all asked with a saccharine sweet smile on their face, as if it is a good thing.
As if being sick, is a success.
I wonder if they will still call me pretty when they see the bite marks on my knuckle.
15.20 PM :
On the way home I saw a burger joint,
my stomach was clawing for food but my mouth tasted like acid.
I wonder if drinking water will be enough to quench my hunger.
15.25 PM :
I passed a water puddle.
I saw a gaunt faced girl, with a pale complexion.
Her used to be lush hair turned lanky.
Her lips were literred with cuts and bite marks, her eyes had faint purplish circle.
She looks so different from the person I used to know.
I continued my walk, trying to ignore the emptiness that had stayed in my bones.
16.30 PM :
My mother went into my room, when I was lying in my bed, counting my ribcage.
She looked at me, and a pained look crossed her face. I can see that she's holding back her tears.
She hugged me gently, as if afraid I will crumble with a touch.
I wanted to say that I wont turn into a wraith and vanish like my aunt, but I'm afraid it would be a lie.
"I'm getting better mom. Look here! I got more meat!," I said to my mom, hoping she believe the lie.
I know I'm turning fainter by the day.
She hugged me tighter, brushing my falling hair.
16.53 PM :
My mother left me her baked cookies, I nibbled on it. Wanting to stop being so starving. Ignoring the way my stomach want me to retch it.
I took another bite and count it as a success.
21.00 PM :
I stood in front of the mirror, that I had been avoiding for months, hoping to finally see my reflection.
Instead what I see was all the calories that I needed to burn,
The flaws that my body have,
And plans about not eating tomorrow.
I wonder if It's better to burn my self to ashes.
22.00 PM :
I went down stairs to grab some water.
I heard my mother crying to my father.
Said she's afraid I would vanish away from her.
Said she don't think she can take it any more.
Said she felt like she was cracking every time she sees me.
There were red gashes on her arm.
I swallowed the bile threatening to come out, ignoring how cold I feel despite the heaters on.
22.05 PM :
I smashed the mirror with my knuckle.
Rage and hopelessness was coursing my whole body. I let the tears and everything out.
The pain was sharp, and shards of glass were graced with my blood.
At that moment I saw my old self flashing in front of my eyes. So I kept punching the mirror until it is completely splintered. Shards of it was falling to the floor.
Satisfaction was addicting.
22.45 PM :
I went to sleep with gauze wrapped, still slightly bleeding, fist.
Blanket securely covering me, hoping the nightmares will not come today.
They did come, but they were nuzzling me.
07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. My fist throbbed.
On the fractured mirror was written,
OUT OF ORDER:
This mirror is distorted by socially constructed
ideas of beauty.
Get a new one.
(P.S: You look fine as always)
Dec 6, 2015
Dec 6, 2015 at 10:52 AM UTC
1. You left me because I was depressed
2. I was destroyed and lot worse,
you loved me unconditionally.
3. I remember our Skype calls, I remember your smile.
and how I’d fall asleep in front of you with one eye open to see if you were looking.
4. You noticed, you also noticed the cuts on my skin.
You looked at me with a half smile and told me you loved me.
5. I loved you too, I’d also like the way when we held hands you’d move your thumb around in circles like you were reminding me that I was yours.
6. You were my best friend, I’d tell you so many stories and you would just listen, you would make me smile.
7. I remember your laugh, I’d look at you like there were galaxies in my chest and one day they hurt.
8. You were like drugs that took awhile until the bad effects came.
9. like cigarettes. You hated that I’d smoke but you would still kiss me regardless.
10. The short term effects include struggling to breath.
Funny, because I choked on your existence.
11. You loved to cuddle me, you kept me close.
12. but you said I was too close, Im sorry that you were addicting.
Im sorry for wanting more.
13. You were the one to draw me in…
14. You realised I was toxic and started breathing different fumes
15. We no longer speak and our memories mean nothing to you.
Nov 11, 2014
Nov 11, 2014 at 6:30 PM UTC
we are just a bunch of girls dieting because
starving is in,
emaciated is in,
you won't be loved if you're not thin.
May 24, 2014
May 24, 2014 at 5:17 PM UTC
hunger is a blade that carves me
i open my arms and pull the air in
-big hug!-
then **** right through me, nobody there.
it's only me holding myself.
my arms wrap two times
around my ribs,
meet behind my back for a secret
handshake.
i am not what was expected.
i'm so sharp-
it's cut me now i'll cut you.
come closer
closer
no, come closer
i'm gonna make you see what i see
Apr 15, 2014
Apr 15, 2014 at 10:07 PM UTC