#believed
The way I have dealt with my traumas
Has varied.
They have moved as swiftly
As the seasons change,
And have always adapted to the current climate in which I live.
For a short while, I could pretend as though
Nothing happened.
I could pretend as though my pain was as
Invisible as their ability to love me,
And that I was as unaffected as
An old oak that has weathered storms past.
Then came my acceptance, and my fight.
I fought.
Hard.
To be seen, and heard, and believed.
But alas, this was not to be.
It was then I learned, that sometimes silence is what is needed
To weather a great storm.
Then came the talking.
With endless cups of coffee,
And whistles that glowed in the dark,
I learned what it truly meant to share my pain
With one that would not tell my secrets.
Who could not tell of the demons dancing throughout my head.
To truly learn that trust can
Also weather a great storm.
Finally, has come nothingness.
I try, desperately to forget the remaining threads that
Tether me to my memories,
Even when I still can’t sleep with my back away from a wall.
It is not a time I wouldn’t be keen to forget.
There is no storm worth remembering to weather.
There is no storm worth remembering.
Apr 24, 2022
Apr 24, 2022 at 5:54 PM UTC
I heard people say love makes you, no good.
but never believed maybe I should.
Loving you was like filling a *** with a hole at its bottom.
I became the leaf and you become autumn.
But now the pain evaporated and my eyes are open.
confusion and all illusions are broken.
now I know how to walk the right direction.
for all my mistakes I have a way to correction.
Soon this struggle will give me wings to fly.
with a smile, all my tears will dry and from now on I will never cry.
Jul 16, 2020
Jul 16, 2020 at 3:24 AM UTC
A true friend
What I thought you were
You pretended to be
Was blind to your dark side
Too long for me to see
Not all are *******
Most of them girls are the same
Some girls turn out different
Treat like a proper dame
Taken
I thought that you were one of those
Believed we were queens
You left that royal treatment
Somewhere in our teens
Dec 11, 2019
Dec 11, 2019 at 10:10 PM UTC
But the boy told the girl,
“I will always protect you.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.
The boy told the girl,
“You are special.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.
The boy told the girl,
“Your soul is made of pure gold.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.
The boy told the girl,
“I love you.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.
Jan 10, 2019
Jan 10, 2019 at 11:46 AM UTC
YOU BELIEVED IN ME!
I WONDER
WHAT HAD YOU SEEN IN ME
THE ULTIMATE ERROR,
IF THERE’S SOMETHING IN ME
OR THIS IS JUST A DESTINY
IF IT’S PRE-WRITTEN
TO BE THIS CLOSE
OR JUST THE MATTER OF CHANCE
DO YOU BELIEVE THIS!
BECAUSE
THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
Sep 17, 2018
Sep 17, 2018 at 3:06 PM UTC
you left me with nothing
but the words i wished
i would never hear.
but yet i make excuses
for you, in hopes
that one day things
will go as i had once believed.
Jun 30, 2018
Jun 30, 2018 at 1:00 AM UTC
I believe that you're telling the truth,
I believe you when you say,
You're not talking to me,
Because you're busy today.
I believe you all the time,
even when we fight,
Because no matter what we went through,
I always believed you were right.
I believe you when you're smiling,
The background noise fades out,
Those eyes so calm and glistening,
But the voices continue to shout.
I believed you all this time,
and yet when I thought we were fine,
I look into the mirror,
And realise we've already lost our time.
Feb 22, 2018
Feb 22, 2018 at 6:42 AM UTC
if you were to ask me right now if i still loved you
i would not be able to answer
everyone who has asked me to this point has gotten the same answer
i don't know
maybe i do but in a different way
i have no time to really assess if i still do
you'd think after a few years
declaring to all the world that i don't anymore
you'd think that i mean it
that i am sure now of what i say
but there are moments that i question myself
is everything i've denied actually true?
there are days that i silently wish
hundreds of thoughts rushing to try to become the one i deem best
scenes i could probably write but deny myself the chance to
i might never fully admit it but there are so many things that i want to tell you about
like how my day went and interesting facts i found and that funny thing that happened
like how some people stress me out and how i'm almost always angry and the feeling that my heart is giving out
like how i miss you but i know that i can't keep a conversation going
like how i want to cling while i'm also stepping away
and on those days i understand
that what i want to talk about is mildly intriguing
barely enough to last more than an hour at best
that we are both busy and too preoccupied with other matters
almost drowning in a sea of responsibilities we cannot abandon
that some things are better kept to myself
because i know that they are of no importance to you
and sometimes i fear
that you feel the same way about me
there are days that i want to keep trying
i have no idea where that could take me
if any of it is worth my time and my exhaustion
but i still try
still rack my brain for anything to say
still try to find common ground when already we are bored of each other
still stay up to talk even as my body groans in protest
still support the things that you do and the choices that you make
still understand why you shut me out when all i ever did was let you in
still try to arrange meetings just for us so we can at least converse without the distance
and on those days i don't get much
i try to make excuses for it but i'm starting to lose ways to go around them
because no matter how many times i try i find myself bearing more weight than you do
i have learned to know when to stop initiating conversation
i have learned that we are more different than we made out to be
i have learned that i stay up far too late for a reply that will never come
i have learned that my support isn't what you are looking for
i have learned that you will never let me in
i have learned that i will be waiting for nothing in the agreed meeting places
there are days that i want to cave in
i want to tell you of my hurt and hope that you can comfort me
tell you about how hard it is to breathe sometimes
tell you about the burden i should stop pretending i could tolerate
tell you about the how it's gotten worse these past few months
tell you about how i need something, someone to cling to
tell you about how there are hard weeks that make me want to be held for a long time
and on those days i close myself to the world
choosing not to tell you any of that
choosing not to tell anyone that
because everyone else will worry
fuss over me and try to convince me that things will be better
because i know that you won't
and i don't blame you
i have been difficult and confusing and i seemed so intent on not healing
but it would have been nice to know that you will be there for me
trying to, at least
there are days that i want to forget
completely put in the past and never remember
but they always haunt me
always try to remind me of what was done
like how you forget everything until the very last minute
like how you put certain things before me time after time
like how i let you choose even when it hurt me
and on those days i knew how to accept
i will always forgive even with the lack of an apology
because who am i really to you?
who am i to demand attention, to demand time?
i have no right to it, that much i know
so i forgive again and again
always having hope for the next time around
trying to drown out the voices that say that i am little more to you than something occasionally important
because i know that it isn't true
you can still remember little facts about me even when i've forgotten that i ever told you
you can still see me in so many things that you always bring them up to me
you can still stand by me as i make decisions that are particularly hard
you can still talk to me despite the rift i caused
you can still say that you are immensely proud of who i've become
and sometimes, i think
you
you, who fought to save us, save what remnants of what we used to have
you, who never hesitated to tell me i was important whenever i doubted it
you, who would surprise me with small gestures that i would remember weeks after
you, who found my stories amusing when very few others did
you, who would read everything i wrote and believed in me more than i could
and sometimes, i remember
that i would probably go to the ends of the world to find someone who can be there for you
listen to you and understand you and remind you to rest
support you and give you feedback and get you smiling as much as possible
someone to know all the little quirks and all the things that make you who you are
someone to stay unlike the others who left
i remember that they asked why i wanted to do that when i could be that for you
i remember answering that there are things i cannot be for you and that there are things you cannot be for me
i remember saying that you will always be that light i want to protect
for you may surround yourself in shadow but i know of the flicker in you
and there are things that i can never be sure about
like the best times to talk or how to predict reactions from you
but i am sure of one thing, at least
i am sure that i will keep you
and that i will try to make what we have better than what it is now
i still don't have a clear answer for the question
and i guess i will never have one
for now, i hope that all i've said will be enough.
Jan 12, 2018
Jan 12, 2018 at 3:28 AM UTC
I wanted to believe you.
I wanted to believe all the lies you told me.
I knew you were lying.
I knew from the beginning it was all just a game.
But yet every time you whispered,
Whispered into my ear how beautiful I am,
I believed.
Believed more than the last
That someone like you
Could ever care about me.
But now I know.
I don’t mean anything
To you.
I never did.
Nor ever will.
Sep 5, 2014
Sep 5, 2014 at 1:18 AM UTC
They tell you there's a light at the end of the road
They tell you there's a life for all those they've told
They told me I'd be alright, all I had to do was breathe
But I've been breathing since the day I was born
And I can tell you it hasn't kept me "fine"
They tell you I'm crazy,
They tell you I'm lazy,
but what they don't tell you is how I struggle to get out of bed
what they don't tell you is how close to death I've been
what they don't tell you is how strong I am.
They told me it happens all the time,
they told me soon the sun will shine
they told me many things that were all lies.
What they didn't tell me was that I was crazy,
that I was lazy,
Because what they told me was I would be fine.
But all they've done is make me crazy,
make me mad and desperate for relief from shame
shame that I shouldn't have for needing help
shame that I shouldn't have for bleeding out
shame that I shouldn't have for opening up
but it is a shame that I bear
because they told you I was crazy
and they told you I was shady.
I'm just me. And I'm having trouble being that today.
So please don't tell me that I'm crazy,
because I'm actually quite nice
I'm actually quite fun.
If you'd bothered to get to know me
you would have known all this stuff.
But you didn't.
Because you believed them when they told you I was crazy.
Nov 5, 2014
Nov 5, 2014 at 12:30 PM UTC
You swore you cared, I dared to believe you.
How could I not? Your eyes twinkled too bright.
I let you get to me, I wasn't ready to be hit with what was coming.
I assured myself it wouldn't happen, we could find a way to stop it.
You were the one I trusted, when my gut is the one that should be believed.
How Careless To Have Cared So Much
You swore you cared, I dared to think it to be truth.
"You deserve better," everyone screamed so loudly my ears could bleed.
I could have listened, took their advice and kept my heart to me.
One day too soon, I saw what I knew but never wanted to actually see.
Never again did I trust, yet my careless care has been placed in better hearts.
Apr 14, 2014
Apr 14, 2014 at 8:30 PM UTC