#awful
The anger I hold inside is a block of cement. I wish it were just a gentle, sweet, and ever-evolving recipe.
I'd like to empty myself, but how could I?
I hate anger, but without it, who would I be?
Learning to live means this too.
Feb 3
Feb 3, 2026 at 4:00 PM UTC
A gift to make my day
Grace me with your presence
Then take it all away
Well, if that's all you can do
Then you can keep it
Because I've dealt with so much worse
Than just your ******* silent treatment
Aug 28, 2025
Aug 28, 2025 at 7:24 PM UTC
In this world they are
Thoughtful
Attentive
Awful
Ineffective
They drink
Knowing it’s poison
Smile as they sink
Can’t unpoison
How could they float or swim
In this darkness
Only one light so dim
Oh goodness
Try to embody
It’s a hole
A body
With zero soul
Jun 7, 2025
Jun 7, 2025 at 2:48 AM UTC
Often the little kid in me asked,
How can people like this exist?
Two faced , hurtful and manipulative!
Grew up developed a hard coat,
To endure this dance with the devil .
The two pronged diabolical ways,
To see through this thick haze ,
Brazen - till the void grew bigger,
My heart once again set ablaze,
Twisted skills need no praise.
Do I play fairly with them ?
Do I twist my own ways ?
Should I really endure this pain ?
Will they not do this again?
Repeating misdeeds is their bane!
Should I even care or distance ?
Let them stay in their own pretense ,
Let their stares pass through,
The ghost of my wrath pass them,
Should I bind my lose ends in a hem?
What a waste of my time and energy,
They are but beasts from down below.
Creatures of these kind do persist,
My boredom is not their grand heist.
This exasperation should not exist !
I bow down to the force within,
Shed this coat of human existence,
Outwitted by reaction to the mundane,
I secure my stance to be sane.
Let not these thoughts bother once again!
Mar 23, 2025
Mar 23, 2025 at 2:30 PM UTC
If ratios strike fear—
into every one in two,
half the world will be—
in abject misery.
Mar 1, 2025
Mar 1, 2025 at 2:10 AM UTC
"How can she be so awful
Then walk around almost proud?"
I say to myself but out loud
While the only thing around
Is this lingering black cloud
So did I even make a sound?
©2024
Dec 15, 2024
Dec 15, 2024 at 8:39 PM UTC
Awful is
The particular sound my tears make when they hit the ground
You'd think maybe they'd be entertaining, coming from a clown
But misery echos a history and the volume can not be found
Any smile is a complex frown I've simply practiced upside down
©2024
Nov 17, 2024
Nov 17, 2024 at 8:32 AM UTC
every notification on my phone
telling me something is going wrong
another corrupted plan succeeding
another million people gone...
every news story in the morning
telling me I'm going to die
another failed hope
another savior plan gone awry...
every word out of your mouth
telling me I'm a worthless piece of ****
it was so long ago
but the forest fire is still lit...
every word of yours i remember
keeps repeating in my head
telling me i'm useless
and that i'd be better off dead...
Nov 14, 2024
Nov 14, 2024 at 10:57 AM UTC
There lives this one guy in Kuopio
who is just a little bit dope, yo
his jokes are appalling
and yet he's enthralling
he's goofy, yet somehow I cope, though <3
Sep 2, 2022
Sep 2, 2022 at 12:05 AM UTC
It's here...
The time has come,
yet my feelings unmatched
to how i thought i would handle it.
this pain that dwells,
a haunting like no other.
Permanently ingrained,
stitched to my soul ...
the raw thought,
rolling your name off the tongue
in the past tense.
They're not just tears.
My eyes, they leak.
Uncontrollably.
Hitched with the breath that plays repreat.
You push on...
But how?
the new day starts,
the old pain persists.
I don't want to miss you.
Let me keep loving you, still.
I know you no longer suffer,
but right now it's transfered.
I struggle to breathe
Struggle to sleep
Struggle to let your memories creep in.
I don't want to miss you,
But I'll never stop loving you, still.
Nov 10, 2021
Nov 10, 2021 at 2:08 AM UTC
I hate how I love this feeling
Warmth that crawls through each vein
All control lost in it's presence
Dependency driving insane
I ride wave like a surfboard
Wherever it may go
No matter how low it carries me
Don't have the will to let go
Time spins circles around
Feels like I am frozen in place
Not only am I not in first
Not even running the race
But wings of comfort lift
In the air while I am high
I inevitably come crashing down
That comfort is only a lie
Hardly notice pain when I land
The drugs have made me numb
It is only when I run out of them
That I am forced to face what I've become
I watch dreams slip out of hands
They fly somewhere out of range
In their place are thorny regrets
Does not seem like a fair exchange
Nothing good blooms here anymore
Body became a barren wasteland
Only the occasional tumbleweed
Rolls across desert of sand
My soul scorched and blackened
Like earth where lightning struck
All the universe offers me
A pocketful of bad luck
The world a beautiful place I know
To me it no longer looks that way
Envy the people who still see it as such
From my perspective surroundings are grey
Maybe if I hold on a little longer
Blue skies will one day return
It's hard to hope when you've witnessed
Everything you love and care for burn
And it is even harder living
Amidst ashes of your greatest desire
When you cannot escape the awful fact
You're the one who started the fire
Aug 24, 2021
Aug 24, 2021 at 2:39 AM UTC
That feeling
Like you want to smash your head against hard ceiling
Like you want to cut your arm off to justify the hurt
The longing for a box surrounded by dirt
The want for tears when you are not an easy crier
The desire to set yourself on fire
The dominance of hate, the absence of love
The constant reminders you are not good enough
That hurt after you've been wronged
While you are cursing yourself for not being strong
To talk and scream towards your foe
Feeling like you are the lowest of the low
Is a feeling I can't wait to never experience again
Can't wait to laugh "Oh, how silly I have been!"
Somewhere further down the line
I can't wait to feel just fine...
Apr 1, 2021
Apr 1, 2021 at 5:08 PM UTC
It can be beautifully awful
or awfully beautiful
with so many hurtful memories
and untold stories
but mostly are depressing and
unwanted marks of the past
Jul 3, 2020
Jul 3, 2020 at 12:28 PM UTC
I saw a 10 year old,
Walking down the street,
With a handful of bowl
And in another a younger kin.
Chanting "what was our sin?"
I saw a handsome lover,
Beside a lonesome tree
Strangled by the memories
Of his lover who loved somebody else
Trying to stop how does it feel.
Writing up the blues to heal.
I saw an old aged person
Who barely can walk
He was happy, had a family
Not so long ago
Sitting with his basket
upon the sidewalk
With nowhere to go
I hope you think about them
If not me when you say
Life is unfair.
I saw a mother of two,
Sunken beneath a pannier.
Dreary eyes and a crooked leg,
Says the burden of life's heavier.
I saw a husband, a son,
A father of one.
Miles away from home,
Aiming to be suffice,
Guarding the border,
A few laughin' at the sacrifice.
I saw a man in a white coat,
People say he's akin to god.
Broken in tears saying
'There are battles that can't be won
For these hands saved so many
Now loosing a loved one.'
I hope you think about them
If not me when you say
Life is unfair.
I saw the dreamers
Quitting before they die.
Heard them saying that
they gave a million try.
I saw people dying in lone
That were once on the Billboards
At times there's no one to hold
I saw blind men crossing roads.
I saw the animals crying for the lost homes,
People fencing their little domes.
I saw the birds crying for the lost trees,
The poor cries and no one sees.
And yet you say
Life is unfair.
Apr 11, 2020
Apr 11, 2020 at 6:17 PM UTC
i made this week difficult.
i was struggling with myself and i made it hard for you too.
i turned nothing into problems
and blamed those problems for my fuck-ups.
i hurt you
and i knew i was hurting you
and i did it anyway.
i said things
and made you sound like the bad guy
but i was a *****
and im sorry.
Feb 11, 2020
Feb 11, 2020 at 1:38 PM UTC
I used to think I was flawless, truth is I am less than perfect.
I can't believe how awful I am, but I mean, what do you expect?
I am less than perfect, that much is true, but I can't help but wonder
What does perfection physically look like? Each of these ideas I plunder.
I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore. Haven't a clue.
Everywhere I look, it's just multiple copies of the darkest shade of blue.
Everyone stares at me, their soulless eyes, a dead, glazed look.
So I try to keep my head down, hiding behind my many notebooks.
Perfect. Why even have a word for something that doesn't exist?
It's a useless word, something I try to avoid but it always persists.
Sometimes I think about if I were perfect. What would I look like? Act?
Then I try to push the many thoughts away, they're way too abstract.
What does it mean to be perfect? It means to not have ANY flaws.
That's all I'll ever hear, "Be more perfect, you'll gain some applause!"
I hate that I have live with this idea of perfection, it's a "utopia", so dumb.
So I have to change myself to be the person that people want me to become.
Jan 29, 2020
Jan 29, 2020 at 9:30 AM UTC
I'm told I'm talented, beautiful, amazing, smart.
Told I'm a goddess, way ahead of others, easy to talk to.
But all that doesn't matter, because I'm also told I'm a *****
Jan 28, 2020
Jan 28, 2020 at 2:06 AM UTC
I never truly understood before
Meaning of the word "bittersweet"
Until this moment our fingers
Cautiously extend to meet
The rush of longing fills body
Mix of nostalgia and despair
Electric passion flowing through me
Almost more than I can bear
The teardrops wet my expressionless face
I am thankful the sky is dark
You tentatively fiddle with the radio
Unaware I'm falling apart
I am trying so hard to be grateful
Each second I spend with you
The whole time our skin is touching
Wondering if you're grateful too
My eyes glisten and betray dismay
You finally notice something is wrong
Crack a joke to make me laugh a little
The happiness only lasts so long
One look at you
My hopes soar
In sinking waves of blue drown
Scolding stupid emotions for flying
I know our love will come crashing down
Yet despite desperate restraints
Expectations climb against will
So fond of you it makes me sick
Too infatuated I feel ill
The air coats clothes with loneliness
Lungs with empty residue
Stardust permeates sore limbs
Brightening everything we do
So curl up halfway on your lap
Savoring temporary bliss
The agonizing thoughts lurking in my brain
Are not so easy to dismiss
The ecstasy blooming in my center
Is why I remain here
Why does all the good between us
Have to be tainted by pain or fear?
The sizzling sensations are sweet
Presence infects my core with glitter
It's the inevitable hurt when you break me in two
Rendering me jaded and bitter
Now I realize how wonderful
Yet awful that word can be
Learned it is impossible
Spelling bittersweet without "we"
Jan 26, 2020
Jan 26, 2020 at 8:17 AM UTC
If we were
Book characters
We would not end up together
But they would be
Rooting for you and me
The whole time
Some love stories are just better when they make you cry
It was in the illusion of an undying love
The hidden songs and messages you'd write
How you said you'd felt that way for months
But didn't tell me till that night
And said you'll never, ever forget me
For your whole life
I know that wasn't a lie
Though you never said why
And we acted like there was a choice to be made
But you and I both know you gave me no reasons to stay
You asked me what comes next but you never offered anything
And that's how I knew
Though you think you say what you mean
It really wasn't there for you and me
And we ended things
It was painful, romantic, and awful
The kind you root for in a novel
Jan 6, 2020
Jan 6, 2020 at 12:42 PM UTC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmIwcu9AoxQ&list=PLbM5LMVZad0Yj8Gu09Wy3Hr4iW3GhRYr-
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019 at 12:33 AM UTC
You made me realize
How awful I was.
You helped me realize
That I could get better.
It was all you.
Dec 3, 2019
Dec 3, 2019 at 12:15 AM UTC
I've been bitten by the frost and it burns just like the cost of the awful way you crawled away because you could not stay
I try so hard to run along the fray on the outside keeping the demons all at bay
Without you, love seems the color grey.
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019 at 8:56 PM UTC
Can I please just go home?
I don't want to exist anymore.
Everything
Just seems horrible.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to exist.
Sep 26, 2019
Sep 26, 2019 at 2:54 PM UTC