#4am
broken sleep,
discontinued dreams,
tossing and turning
at four in the morning.
i barely sleep anymore.
its too hot under these covers,
im too cold now,
i need to be held,
im gonna die in my sleep.
i cant turn my brain off.
i get broken sleep,
i get those discontinued
unfinished --
extremely real feeling dreams,
i toss and turn all night long
still uncomfortable after each turn.
i cant stop
and take a break.
Sep 11, 2025
Sep 11, 2025 at 7:30 PM UTC
…at four in the morning,
the room was sharp and silent
through the stillness of the dark
and yet, I sang those old songs
swaying in the cold wind
with bottle upon my breath
as I dreamt of green birds
and the lonely white lotus
that kept fluttering
into my scratched head
while coming apart at the seams
with tears of sadness
I sat and pondered
where they all went:
those little caramel ladies of brown doom
with novocaine souls and enamel bodies;
you gave me the liveliest moments
even when you brought me
to the brink of death,
you have liberated me during
my most shackled state of mind,
you spilled the truth when you
told me, “I could never be reached.”
and therefore I must come to terms
with the absence of your warmth
as the green birds have flown
into concrete skies
and the white lotus has shriveled
into a curling black mass
I sway with the wind,
rising the bottle
and belting out
those old songs
in a room so
sharp and silent
at four in the morning.
Mar 13, 2025
Mar 13, 2025 at 5:13 PM UTC
some say i think of you too much
but so long as overdose on thoughts of you is a ways away,
ill keep taking these memories with a cup of jasmine tea--
id rather count my days with you
than the sheep I see in bed.
Nov 14, 2022
Nov 14, 2022 at 2:52 PM UTC
Up at dawn just to rise together with the sun
As we hope to leave our darkness with the shadows of the night
Jul 5, 2021
Jul 5, 2021 at 10:00 PM UTC
I wish that I could call you
Tonight at 4 A.M.
To pour out all the secret feelings
Hidden in my head
You need to know “I love you” is a
Phrase I’ve never said
And at 4 A.M. I gasp for breath
As those words fill my lungs instead
Maybe you believe
That I’m shallow with intentions
If I can clear the air,
I’ll have so much more to mention
At 4 A.M. I can’t admit
Our hearts have no connection
Though hot and cold,
When we’re alone, I often feel our tension
I really want to ask
If I should make a move
Because the way you talk to me
Just leaves me so confused
At 4 A.M. I beg the stars
And wish upon the moon
That I don’t ruin what we’ll have
From needing to know too soon
I wish that I could call you
But for now, I’ll hold my bluff
Cause even though it’s 4 A.M.
I know that you’ll pick up
Jun 29, 2021
Jun 29, 2021 at 3:02 AM UTC
How it started just friendly message
Turned into flirting trying not to can’t feelings
Laughing with friends.
Thinking how long will this take to get out of hand?
They said I’ll give it a week.
They where right it got out of hand so fast.
Then the mixed signals started
So I told you I’m gonna send you a nice thing everyday until I run out of things to say.
I’m now 2 months 8 days in.
Giving you all the love you deserve because from the signs I’ve read someone hurt you
So bad you don’t want to admit your feelings so you don’t get hurt.
But what you don’t know I’m not like the people you’ve met along the way. I’m different. I’ll shoot my shot every single day. To make sure you know I’m being serious.
I didn’t want to catch feelings it felt like it was gonna just be doing something because lock down is boring and I wanted to just flirt with somebody. But I was wrong I kinda realised I do in fact like you.
But I know I’m only gonna hurt myself in the long run but boy you’ve got me hooked on you so badly and I hate myself for it
Mar 7, 2021
Mar 7, 2021 at 11:35 PM UTC
Nothing will ever go completely right. As long as there will always be those who wants to hoard things for themselves even though, aware they will never live forever.
As long as there will always be those who are not ready to live right and reasonably...
What's the point?
Reasonably!
Hoarding!
Foolishly!
All leads to the den of obliteration.
Perplexed?
Let's give up!
What if we give down?
What's it about surrender!
What's it about never surrender?
No one is, an exception.
There is neither a thing I can hardly do, except to right the wrongs of the mind with my words.
Words inscribing the wrongs and beauty of the soul in a pinchbeck, puny age, is like a melodious masterpiece of a violin in a noisy throng, rarely a soul offers any attention.
A token of my contribution.
Smiles.. I hope that be enough. Though "bitter Smiles" cause nothing is ever enough..
Enough!
Cheers..
Verily we are spend thrifts by nature we exhausts everything. And we! eventually gets exhausted.
Up 4am.
Having aftermath dinner.
With the most tremendous of guests, comforting yet tormenting, thoughts and Memories.
Dining on meals and wines of, unfathomable class and brand.
With the most tranquiling of musics, echos of emptiness.
Guarded by The magnificent majestic retinue, lugubrious phantoms.
Encompassed by The most absorbing and cimmerian paintings, mystical darkness.
"In a stead formed yet unformed by ether, the mind".
May 12, 2020
May 12, 2020 at 5:11 PM UTC
4 a.m. —
and I am the king of the world,
queen of all things feral.
I burn brighter than the stars,
a galaxy full of possibilities.
My reign eternal;
I am the only one alive
and I want to live dangerously.
Want —
with one word the light goes out,
the stars dip beyond the sea,
my crown tumbles to the ground,
I am pulled back to reality.
Back —
here and now
I rub my eyes;
feel my lambent desires die
as morning resurrects
all of my insecurities.
Apr 4, 2020
Apr 4, 2020 at 12:02 PM UTC
sitting here, quarter-past four,
thoughts erupting through my head
out my mouth, to your mind
these thoughts so divine,
which were once only mine
Sep 8, 2019
Sep 8, 2019 at 3:58 AM UTC
4 am, it's close again
the darkness is closing in
im falling asleep
i don't want to wake again
it's 4 pm
my soul feels dim
i can't move but yet i swim
through this emotion
i always claimed to love the ocean
but it's deep, i can't hold on
now here comes dawn
again
Jun 30, 2019
Jun 30, 2019 at 11:33 PM UTC
I haven't wrote anything for so long.
My brain does not allow myself to do so. There are so many things that are bothering me, mostly about myself, who am i in this world, how people see me, what is going to happen to me. Every second i try to make some sense out of everything but i'm left even more confused than i already was.
Reality is scary; simply because you are never sure if you are genuinely aware of reality. That's because what i see myself as, might just be an illusion i created to ease my fear of being myself. I always thought i was a strong person, that i had values and strong opinions, that i am someone who will do big things. I always thought that i am a nice person, that i genuinely care for others, that i'm okay, just a little confused, but am i? Am i any of these things?
I feel like a ghost wandering from place to place. People are unaware of my existence unless i make sure they notice i'm there too. But i stopped blaming society long ago, it's not anyone's fault, i'm not sure if it's mine either,maybe it's my brain's, it plays tricks sometimes. But i am my brain.
Everything feels like it quietly falls apart, slowly but deadly and you can not notice the damage unless you straight up look at it. I don't think i am as okay as i say that i am, but i am okay enough, and i guess that's what's wrong. I can't wish for help because i am okay enough. It's a fine line that keeps me hanging there. We fail to care about ourselves unless it's obvious that we should. I guess i am like that too.
I don't know when i'm right or wrong, when i'm happy or just getting by. I find myself unbearable, weak and tiny, like a trembling deer chased by lions, only i am both the deer and the lion. I don't seem to be able to hide my genuine feelings anymore. I started to catch myself hesitating before answering to "how are you" or i keep repeating the phrase "i'm anxious about this or that". I seem to not be able to fake a smile anymore or other times i'm smiling too much. I trust people who seem to sympathise with me, strangers or not, i ran to open arms like a homeless puppy or i poured my soul on small glasses and forced myself to stop before i break them. It's weird because i sometimes feel in control and other times i'm all over the place or when i talk about myself to curious eyes i say too much as if i truly know what i'm talking about.
I fear so many things, so so many things that keep me from living. I want to do things, be with people, date, say my opinions out loud, i want to live and not force myself to carry the weight of my head everywhere i go. There are times when i put my guard down and i close my eyes and i feel my head falling to the side, too heavy to keep it still. I fear everything but love so much.
The reality of who i really am is suffocating and i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. My god how i wish i could cry in public and whine and scream on top of my lungs **** you all!" just because i can't be any of them. Or to make my mum understand that when i tell her that i am not that good i mean "mum!i!am!not!okay!" but i'm scared to hurt her. How could i choose to make my mother cry when i tell her that i think about death a lot. But i'm not doing it, because i am okay enough.
How i wish i could date the guys that call me "interesting" and want to get to know me, but i'm too scared of speaking to strangers so i act cold to turn them down when in reality i'd love to feel their warmth on my skin. If i wasn't afraid of going to new places, or talking to people, or experiencing life, or not ******* up every line i say because i'm too stressed to actually put my words in a correct order. There is such a huge gap between who i want to be or how i feel like i am and who i actually am or even who i end up looking like.
If there was no fear, how could my life be? Who could i be if i wasn't afraid of being? Really, is there anything in my life other than my loneliness and a universe of polluted thoughts? Am i anything more than flesh and bones? And how? How can i change and find myself? How do people know who they are if i, who knows too much about myself cannot understand a single part of my existence? If i can't understand myself then how can i ever be able to truly understand others, to be happy, or to be alive? How could i truly ever live my life without feeling the weight of myself dragging me down?
I sense the catastrophe running through my veins. Really, how small can a person become? I feel so small in my own room, even smaller in my own life. Am i even as big as a dust in space, as alive as a falling star or is there nothing for me? I wish i could be someone you turn to face, but maybe my sunrays faded away and maybe i'm way too small to take up all that space; but for you to look at me, that would have been the biggest accomplishment i have ever made.
May 30, 2019
May 30, 2019 at 7:50 PM UTC
I can't fall asleep
But I don't want to wake up,
So I'm sitting here thinking
Of how I'm out of luck.
I keep tracing the map
That I've drawn for myself
To keep track of my mind,
Which I keep on a shelf.
Hours have passed
But the clock hasn't changed
The longer I lay here
The more I feel deranged
May 24, 2019
May 24, 2019 at 12:28 PM UTC
I lie broken, alone in this bed
As a cacophony of violence
Screams in my head
I'm being crushed
By this weight on my chest
God,
I know this wait is at my own sick behest
But why must I face this night alone?
Lonely, blue
Cursed to never feel at home?
The tears build up, but they never release
Can't I have some peace, just this once
Please?
Mar 31, 2019
Mar 31, 2019 at 5:17 AM UTC
Not that I'm constantly looking but if you want laugh at my love life here it goes
I get rejected even in my dreams
so broken that even where I have all control
I still give myself no hope
only place I might have a chance
yet I still find ways to let it all pass
It's a struggle to figure out where my charm lies
I might've had my shot at some point but still I watched it slowly die
So mislead by low self esteem I probably already saved my queen
yet I just handed her over due to the fact
well...i don't think I'm capable of ever really feeling loved back
I don't know how to play the game I was never really taught it also might be I can't ever seem to hide my thoughts
I wear my heart on my sleeve as cliché as it sounds
No one liners here I'll hit you with the truth
it's okay back away scared of the profound
I already have my daily reminder
Everybody loves to laugh at a Sad clown.
Dec 31, 2018
Dec 31, 2018 at 7:20 AM UTC
I am cold.
But everyone says
You just need to get past my walls,
I am a warm person deep down.
They see what they want to but
I am cold as ice inside.
People will tell you
I have a sensitive side but
Hardly anyone sees.
What I truly am inside,
A heartless monster.
Still, my peers think they know
I am really a big softy.
Now read it bottom to top.
Dec 2, 2018
Dec 2, 2018 at 4:50 AM UTC
Didn’t sleep much last night
I was admiring the thunder
Focusing on the rain getting louder and louder
Marveled at the sky while it was changing color
I stayed up until 4am last night
Just to watch the overly dramatic lightning strike
Watching it burn on the sky almost like it was able to write.
Woke up at 7:18 exactly
Just to keep admiring
My old friend the rain
Letting me open up
Transforming its iridescent water drops into obscure showers of pain.
My lonely friend who always comes back,
Lets me choose its next move
Makes me forget the meaning of sad
While I make the new purple-black sky forget about that peaceful blue
Jul 24, 2018
Jul 24, 2018 at 3:52 PM UTC
atomic thunder baby
the random things my mind can conjure
at this time and hour is amazing
i dont even have anything to write about.
i just found a draft entitled "Atomic"
with nothing on it
then like lightning, a sudden surge of verbal impulse
got me thinking of an atomic thunder baby
i dont even know what it means but it sounds epic and cool
hays. what am i even doing with my life
why cant i be smart or witty or athletic or have a lot of friends
or be mysteriously fascinating or relevant.
why cant i be an atomic thunder baby?
Feb 9, 2018
Feb 9, 2018 at 3:04 PM UTC
I remember ur freckles the most, how they were sprinkled across ur face like store locations on a map. I remember how they would disappear when winter came and how they looked when u scrunched ur nose to laugh at something i said. I remember all these little things about you but you don’t remember anything about me
Jan 6, 2018
Jan 6, 2018 at 10:25 AM UTC
its an incredible feeling getting to know everything about someone and falling in love with them, they become your everything, the reason behind your smiles and the reason for waking up in the morning.
everyone always supported me and him and told us we made each other happy but nobody ever told me about the bad stuff.
when things started getting bad, all i could think about from the moment i woke up is who hes with and if hes having fun without me. i wondered if he still cared about me like he used to say he did. I wondered if truth was he didnt think about me at all anymore. I became focused on trying to keep my relationship going as long as i possibly could, prioritizing him over actually important things. i ended up pushing him away without realizing because of how controlling i became. i started to get worried, and lose my confidence, thinking it was something i was doing that he didnt like. he became the reason behind fighting to hold back tears and the reason i didnt eat because i was just too sad. I stopped sleeping because i would wait for him to text me and let me know he was ok or that he was sorry or couldnt sleep without me, even though he never did.
love hurts. it can be amazing and it will be until someone starts changing and stop showing you how much they care or want you. youll feel like youre the one whos in the wrong and might even start to change the way you look hoping to get their attention, but truth is nothing stays perfect forever.
The thing i regret the most was how i made excuses for the way he would let me down or become busy the minute i needed him most just because i didnt wanna let go of someone who wasnt sure about me.
Jan 6, 2018
Jan 6, 2018 at 10:22 AM UTC
Its been a year since ive last seen you and i can barely remember your voice as you talked to me on the phone, or the exact shade of blue in your eyes. I can barely remember how your hand felt in mine and what it was like to laugh and roll around in the sheets with you. Its been a year since ive last seen you and my memory has gone fuzzy, but **** do i miss you all the same.
Dec 4, 2017
Dec 4, 2017 at 9:03 PM UTC
Lately, I don't know how to make things sound like poetry
And I know I promised I'd stop writing about you
But I can't.
And it's stupid how I wait for 4 am driveway lights
So I can turn over and sleep because I know you are home
But insomnia is now my bestest friend
And I ******* miss you.
I use my voice for the first time in months
Ready to learn how to love you
But your driveway lights are now her's happiness.
I hope her's 'I love you's don't start to sound much more like my 'I'm sorry's.
Funny how
we both settled for half the love.
Oct 12, 2017
Oct 12, 2017 at 4:19 PM UTC