There's no room for a butterfly
in this half-wacked world he's created.
He even ***** the color out 
Of rainbows after rain, destroying 
Both foliage and flower; 
Now nothing sacred has a place to land.
He just wants to keep this butterfly
pinned on display, to study it, deny it freedom.
But when it escapes, (and it will)
it will find beauty again 
far away from his captive world.

lori-carlson

Captive

Jun 6, 2026

June 2026

2026

Anger & Conflict - June 2026

Beauty & Aesthetics - June 2026

Dark & Scary - June 2026

Death & Mortality - June 2026

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Family & Relationships - June 2026

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auntie-hosebag

If I printed this out and handed it back to you with my comments, it would look something like this:

Big scratch through the words "There's" and "he's created."  Comma after the word "world", scratches and arrows that make the next line read "color sucked from rainbows".  New line "after rain".  Semi-colon, new line, "foliage and flower destroyed".  Period.  Scratch "Now", and "has a place to", drop in "can" between "sacred" and "land".

The last two verses would probably be bracketed, with some manner of blurb like, "Maybe try fiddling with the order of these actions, or expanding the list, even hugely.  Remember that repetition is most effective when it's deliberate and employs a strong word or phrase that focuses the reader's attention on your theme.  "It" is not really one of those words.  "Butterfly" sure is, as are most of the variations available on the idea of flight, or escape, etc.

Found myself a bit confused as to who "He" is, began to wonder if it was even necessary to have "him" in the picture.  Then again, if this is central to your theme, who am I to say?  Still, I found myself more interested in the butterfly--not so much in what "He" is capable of inflicting, but what the butterfly does to overcome it.  Is this making any sense?"

Every instance of the word "it" in the final two stanzas would be circled, the words "just" and "but" would be scratched out, like the parentheses around "and it will", which would be its own separate line with em-stops before and after (--).  And the word "his" in the final line would have the letter "t" slipped in before it, with a little arrow pointing that out, just so you don't miss it.

I mean, there's just a chance that's what it might look like.  And you must always remember it doesn't matter what I think.  These are all suggestions.  Like every other piece of advice you receive in life, you are always free to ignore mine.

Can't wait to see your revision(s).  Good luck.

neva-flores

paul-glottaman

I like this as is. I really like the image of the color being taken from the world. Wonderful opening line as well.
If I was forced to tell you to change anything I would suggest that you do something with those pins that butterfly collectors use to hold down the butterfly. Or to go back and remove things for flow.
But honestly, you don't really have to change anything. 

I think this is a beautiful creation.  The only changes I would make would be to try and remove some of your use of the word it when possible..such as using 
You just want to keep this butterfly on display, to study and deny its freedom.  Love it!

robert-zanfad

I agree, it is strong.  Just have thoughts that sometimes describing something without restricting its meaning gives the reader more imagery from which to see the scene  - I like the previous  idea of pins, for example - or some other mention of how the butterfly might be captive, rather than just asserting captivity - netted, or caught in a jelly jar; or picked/mowed/..whatever.. the flowers, might let the reader see they were "destroyed", but with a better intuitive understanding of it. One might feel the sticky end of a cut stem or see naked stubs that blossoms once knew - that evokes an  emotional response beyond the words used to describe them.

Poetry that involves the sensual aspects of the reader can invest them more in the story, because it taps into experiences they already have had. 

v_V_v

  I will refrain from commenting on subject matter in order to keep this critique short. I will only comment on the technical issues I see&#8230;
      Your first 2 lines are very well done. They flow extremely well and the meter is excellent, great job
of bringing the reader into the poem and capturing  their attention. I immediately wanted to know more about the characters.. 

Lines 3 and 4 fell flat for me.  I got confused on your tenses.  Line 1 and 2 imply difficulties for the butterfly in present tense (?) and then in line 3 you jump to past tense and then the rhythm that you set seems to get lost.  Here is how I would fix it, handling both the tense and flow simultaneously..

&#8220;You even suck the color out
Of rainbows after rain, destroying
Both foliage and flower; 
Now nothing sacred has a place to land.&#8221;

I am quite sure there are other ways to phrase this and it is only a suggestion, but I think a consistent tense would help either way. I hope you dont think I am trying to rewrite this section, I was just having a hard time trying to explain what I felt was wrong with it..

I think the rest of the poem from line 7 to the end is fine.   Present tense and nice rhythm. 

I hope you find this useful!!



Darkpoetsoul

An emotional poem of anger, and the need to be set free. I like it

kongsaeng-chris-everson

Excellent poem, Lori. 
Let me take this opportunity then to talk about my case of pronounitis, then. 
The word YOU was taught to me in grade school as to mean the one who was listening, the other in the picture. Over the years, as I have been listening to music and reading poetry, the word YOU appears (as it seems to be unavoidable) and my gut/mind reaction is to think that the singer or poet is talking about me. I know that this is not the case, but a struggle within is set up that causes me discomfort. When Carly Simon told me that I was so vain, I really wondered about it and got paranoid about the clouds in her coffee! The struggle between a subjective and an objective interpretation has been something that has disturbed me. I know that most poets seem to be talking either about some YOU out there, some monolithic idealized YOU like some G-D or something, or some actual YOU in the poet's life who goes unnamed, and that they are never talking about their fans who are reading their stuff, but for me, a struggle in the back of my head always seems to start up when I read someone talking about you, to me. I used to write songs where I used the word YOU to describe ME, and that seemed to disturb many. Therefore, I would just say about your poem, that your usage of the word you is something that could possibly disturb your readers. OK, so much for my pronounitis!