I'm killing myself today
merely by not having the courage
to follow through with it.
Every day I wake up,
thinking that doing so will be
the worst decision I will make that day.
I used to preach
that when things were at their worst,
"Just fall asleep.
Things will be better in the morning.
sleep; calm down.
Don't think any more tonight."
But it doesn't work anymore.
I can't possibly sleep enough.
I can't possibly think seldom enough.
I can't die enough
to make it through the day.
With the same sad song on repeat,
I find it's still not tortured enough.
And I'm at a loss.
If there were a musical score
for a suicide
what would it sound like?
All the agony,
the sorrow and the hopelessness,
the regrets and the anger,
the blame, the broken dreams,
the bitter self-loathing.
What would it all sound like?
Could it ever be compiled,
written out, performed and shared?
How would it end?
Would it ever end?
Maybe it would play on
and on and on
a whole life long.
At least, as long as anyone could
bear to listen.
Because surely, a piece properly embodying
the torrential, tumultuous emotions
that lead a person to **** themselves
would drive anyone else to similar action.
But I think, with all our means of self-expression,
nothing could ever explain well enough.
It seems so funny
and so wrong
that after all this time,
and with all the level of genius that has already
come and left this world,
there exists no song,
no poem, no painting,
that fully encapsulates
how a person feels when they want nothing
but to die.
When the mental pain is so overwhelming
that the physical pain to end it becomes
inconsequential.
I certainly do not have the words.
Those that might have must have died with them
fallen silent on their chilling lips.
Or maybe there are no words,
no notes, no picture true enough.
Maybe there is only a wordless wail....
Or a whimper, or a choked sob.
Or maybe there is only the dull thud of a vacant head hitting the floor.
Feb 17, 2014
Feb 17, 2014 at 8:59 PM UTC
I'm killing myself today
merely by not having the courage
to follow through with it.
Every day I wake up,
thinking that doing so will be
the worst decision I will make that day.
I used to preach
that when things were at their worst,
"Just fall asleep.
Things will be better in the morning.
sleep; calm down.
Don't think any more tonight."
But it doesn't work anymore.
I can't possibly sleep enough.
I can't possibly think seldom enough.
I can't die enough
to make it through the day.
With the same sad song on repeat,
I find it's still not tortured enough.
And I'm at a loss.
If there were a musical score
for a suicide
what would it sound like?
All the agony,
the sorrow and the hopelessness,
the regrets and the anger,
the blame, the broken dreams,
the bitter self-loathing.
What would it all sound like?
Could it ever be compiled,
written out, performed and shared?
How would it end?
Would it ever end?
Maybe it would play on
and on and on
a whole life long.
At least, as long as anyone could
bear to listen.
Because surely, a piece properly embodying
the torrential, tumultuous emotions
that lead a person to **** themselves
would drive anyone else to similar action.
But I think, with all our means of self-expression,
nothing could ever explain well enough.
It seems so funny
and so wrong
that after all this time,
and with all the level of genius that has already
come and left this world,
there exists no song,
no poem, no painting,
that fully encapsulates
how a person feels when they want nothing
but to die.
When the mental pain is so overwhelming
that the physical pain to end it becomes
inconsequential.
I certainly do not have the words.
Those that might have must have died with them
fallen silent on their chilling lips.
Or maybe there are no words,
no notes, no picture true enough.
Maybe there is only a wordless wail....
Or a whimper, or a choked sob.
Or maybe there is only the dull thud of a vacant head hitting the floor.