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sam-conradPoems
258 days, August Between July and August, I think I said the dumbest things I've ever said to any organism that breathes, ever. Ever. I went so crazy throughout the summer. I kept missing Nick. I told you such horrible **** I should really just ******* **** myself for what I told you. I seriously told you I only was with you because you'd probably hurt yourself. I seriously told you that fair wasn't important. I threw hissy fits over not hanging out. When it was mostly my fault anyway. Doesn't that just prove how awful I am ... You know, I'll probably treat the next girl to stumble into my heart bad too. I'm a bad person. Surely I will, because I'll never get over you, who I called my soul mate... So how could I treat the next person well? Instead, to save everyone the trouble, I should probably just **** myself. Really. But I can't push myself to do it, Because that seems like an easy way out of this pain That's a way out of my pain. I need to keep living this life I'm in now I need to keep suffering and dying, without you. I've convinced myself I deserve it. My life is so awful, that I consider living normally a form of self harm... So anyway... I kind of took Brandon under my wing, as he missed Nick too, even more than I did, I spent way more time with Brandon, than I did with you. I'm sorry I did so. He felt so guilty, for not going over there, how he or I could have saved him. I spent the whole first week of this month out of state too. Hold on, rewind the tape. I told you what you were doing was unimportant Yet I was out of state at a country music festival and that was supposed to be important? I was so ******* stupid. It was only then that I realized how ******* horrible I was to you. When I finally started piecing this whole thing together. I can't blame your parents for jack squat. I don't blame your friends. I don't blame that girl you're falling for, that picked you up, Because you needed picked up. I still can't believe what I did to you. Invited you over on my brothers birthday, I would be moving into my parents house soon, and I wanted you to meet them You smeared icing on my nose, I got you back. My grandparents were there, and things were moderately happy. At least, okay... Then I saw the scars on your arm. Then I lost my cool. Then when I drove you home, I drove as if I was dropping you off at the ******* hospital like you were ******* dying And after I dropped you off I drove like I was ******* suicidal It was my fault you relapsed I'll always blame myself Because I treated you like ******* **** And I can't not blame myself. I can't blame you for anything looking back Because all I did was tear you up and let you down I told you it was okay. You didn't believe me... Meanwhile I was fuming, Some because of the promise you made me But really, because all I'd ever done was **** things up I can't blame this on your parents. I can't blame you. That's August.
0
Dec 20, 2013
Dec 20, 2013 at 3:11 AM UTC
258 days, August
258 days, August Between July and August, I think I said the dumbest things I've ever said to any organism that breathes, ever. Ever. I went so crazy throughout the summer. I kept missing Nick. I told you such horrible **** I should really just ******* **** myself for what I told you. I seriously told you I only was with you because you'd probably hurt yourself. I seriously told you that fair wasn't important. I threw hissy fits over not hanging out. When it was mostly my fault anyway. Doesn't that just prove how awful I am ... You know, I'll probably treat the next girl to stumble into my heart bad too. I'm a bad person. Surely I will, because I'll never get over you, who I called my soul mate... So how could I treat the next person well? Instead, to save everyone the trouble, I should probably just **** myself. Really. But I can't push myself to do it, Because that seems like an easy way out of this pain That's a way out of my pain. I need to keep living this life I'm in now I need to keep suffering and dying, without you. I've convinced myself I deserve it. My life is so awful, that I consider living normally a form of self harm... So anyway... I kind of took Brandon under my wing, as he missed Nick too, even more than I did, I spent way more time with Brandon, than I did with you. I'm sorry I did so. He felt so guilty, for not going over there, how he or I could have saved him. I spent the whole first week of this month out of state too. Hold on, rewind the tape. I told you what you were doing was unimportant Yet I was out of state at a country music festival and that was supposed to be important? I was so ******* stupid. It was only then that I realized how ******* horrible I was to you. When I finally started piecing this whole thing together. I can't blame your parents for jack squat. I don't blame your friends. I don't blame that girl you're falling for, that picked you up, Because you needed picked up. I still can't believe what I did to you. Invited you over on my brothers birthday, I would be moving into my parents house soon, and I wanted you to meet them You smeared icing on my nose, I got you back. My grandparents were there, and things were moderately happy. At least, okay... Then I saw the scars on your arm. Then I lost my cool. Then when I drove you home, I drove as if I was dropping you off at the ******* hospital like you were ******* dying And after I dropped you off I drove like I was ******* suicidal It was my fault you relapsed I'll always blame myself Because I treated you like ******* **** And I can't not blame myself. I can't blame you for anything looking back Because all I did was tear you up and let you down I told you it was okay. You didn't believe me... Meanwhile I was fuming, Some because of the promise you made me But really, because all I'd ever done was **** things up I can't blame this on your parents. I can't blame you. That's August.
sam-conrad
Written by
sam-conrad
Dec 20, 2013
Dec 20, 2013 at 3:11 AM UTC
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