sometimes i get so angry i can’t breathe
like my throat forgets how to work
like my chest turns into a locked room i’m stuck inside
it not gradual either
it just smacks me in the face
like i sat on train tracks wit one aproaching
one second i’m fine and the next i’m not even me anymore
my whole body changes
hands shaking
jaw tight
vision going sharp around the edges like everything is too loud and too close
and i feel it building in my skin like heat i can’t let out
i want to break things
i want to scream until my throat hurts
i want to say things that cut deep just so someone finally understands what it feels like inside me
and i hate that that’s where my head goes
but it does
i can't hold it in
i try to so hard, there's times i do
times nobody can see how much rage is inside
but it always eventually boils over
soemtimes for no reason at all
it’s like something in me switches and I stop caring what happens after
I just want the pressure OUT
and the worst part is I recognize it
like I’ve seen it my whole life
my mom when she’s angry doesn’t feel like my mom anymore
she feels like a storm in the house
like everything has to get smaller just to survive it
my dad too he's quiet at first and you can just see it in his eyes, a look you can't forget
like you can tell something’s about to break even if nobody’s speaking
and then I get like that
and I hear them in my own mouth
in my own voice
in the way I say things I don’t even fully mean or agree with but I can’t stop them coming out it's in my nature
it scares me because it feels automatic
like I don’t get a choice in the moment
like I’m just watching myself turn into something I used to be afraid of
and I don’t even know how to explain that to people
because after it passes I’m just left there
quiet
tired
disgusted with myself
and i can't help but cry
replaying everything I said like I’m watching someone else ruin everything
hating who i can't stop myself from being
and I try to act like it didn’t happen
but it did
it always does
and sometimes I wonder if this is just me
or if I learned it so early it got stuck in me
like it was never taught as words
just sounds
doors slamming
voices raised
silence that didn’t feel safe
always listening for when the next person would barge into my room, an eternal flame living in their heads and hearts,
breathing fire into my face,
leaving burns that teachers ignored
and now it lives in me too
like it was always mine
and I hate that I can’t tell where it ends
what part is me
and what part is just everything I came from
i hate that i can't stop it
this isn't who i want to be
but unfortunately
things like these are things you can't change
things you can't run from
not when everywhere you go
you leave a trail of gasoline
one wrong word being the match
like somebody lighting the twine on a bomb
my temper is something waiting to explode
i just want to be gentle
i want to have control,
that's what it's always been about right?
May 25
May 25, 2026 at 5:39 PM UTC
sometimes i get so angry i can’t breathe
like my throat forgets how to work
like my chest turns into a locked room i’m stuck inside
it not gradual either
it just smacks me in the face
like i sat on train tracks wit one aproaching
one second i’m fine and the next i’m not even me anymore
my whole body changes
hands shaking
jaw tight
vision going sharp around the edges like everything is too loud and too close
and i feel it building in my skin like heat i can’t let out
i want to break things
i want to scream until my throat hurts
i want to say things that cut deep just so someone finally understands what it feels like inside me
and i hate that that’s where my head goes
but it does
i can't hold it in
i try to so hard, there's times i do
times nobody can see how much rage is inside
but it always eventually boils over
soemtimes for no reason at all
it’s like something in me switches and I stop caring what happens after
I just want the pressure OUT
and the worst part is I recognize it
like I’ve seen it my whole life
my mom when she’s angry doesn’t feel like my mom anymore
she feels like a storm in the house
like everything has to get smaller just to survive it
my dad too he's quiet at first and you can just see it in his eyes, a look you can't forget
like you can tell something’s about to break even if nobody’s speaking
and then I get like that
and I hear them in my own mouth
in my own voice
in the way I say things I don’t even fully mean or agree with but I can’t stop them coming out it's in my nature
it scares me because it feels automatic
like I don’t get a choice in the moment
like I’m just watching myself turn into something I used to be afraid of
and I don’t even know how to explain that to people
because after it passes I’m just left there
quiet
tired
disgusted with myself
and i can't help but cry
replaying everything I said like I’m watching someone else ruin everything
hating who i can't stop myself from being
and I try to act like it didn’t happen
but it did
it always does
and sometimes I wonder if this is just me
or if I learned it so early it got stuck in me
like it was never taught as words
just sounds
doors slamming
voices raised
silence that didn’t feel safe
always listening for when the next person would barge into my room, an eternal flame living in their heads and hearts,
breathing fire into my face,
leaving burns that teachers ignored
and now it lives in me too
like it was always mine
and I hate that I can’t tell where it ends
what part is me
and what part is just everything I came from
i hate that i can't stop it
this isn't who i want to be
but unfortunately
things like these are things you can't change
things you can't run from
not when everywhere you go
you leave a trail of gasoline
one wrong word being the match
like somebody lighting the twine on a bomb
my temper is something waiting to explode
i just want to be gentle
i want to have control,
that's what it's always been about right?
i'm js going