I wake up already tired
like I lost a fight I don’t remember starting
my bones feel heavier than they should
like failure found a way to live inside them
some days
I don’t move
not because I don’t want to
but because the weight of existing
presses me into the bed like gravity got personal
I replay everything
every wrong turn, every word
every moment from 13 years ago
that still claws at me like it just happened yesterday
like somehow
I'm still standing there
choosing it
over and over again
and I wonder
if I had just done one thing different
would I be someone else now?
would my life feel lighter
or is this just who I was always meant to be?
I see them
people laughing like breathing comes easy
like happiness isn’t something you have to earn
they move forward
they build lives
while I'm stuck
re-reading chapters I wish I could burn
old friends become strangers
family becomes “used to be”
and I stand still long enough
to watch everyone leave
like I'm rooted in a place
no one else stayed in
but still
I smile
I sit at the table
look my family in the eyes
and laugh at the right moments
because what else do you do
when there’s a quiet voice in your head whispering
this could be the last time
the last dinner
the last hug
the last “I love you”
and they don’t even know it
I wear normal like a costume
so well that even I almost believe it
but inside
it’s all cracks and echoes
and a silence so loud
it drowns everything else out
I used to wish to grow up
like life was something waiting for me
on the other side of time
now I look back
and want to grab that younger version of me
shake them
tell them
stay
don’t rush this
you have no idea how fast it disappears
because it does
it all changes
in a blink
one second you’re dreaming
next you’re surviving
and somewhere in between
you forget how to feel like a person
but the worst part isn’t the sadness
it’s the knowing
knowing things could’ve been different
knowing you had a moment
a choice
a path
and it slipped
and now it lives in you
quiet
constant
unforgiving
like a question
that never gets an answer
Apr 28
Apr 28, 2026 at 8:32 PM UTC
I wake up already tired
like I lost a fight I don’t remember starting
my bones feel heavier than they should
like failure found a way to live inside them
some days
I don’t move
not because I don’t want to
but because the weight of existing
presses me into the bed like gravity got personal
I replay everything
every wrong turn, every word
every moment from 13 years ago
that still claws at me like it just happened yesterday
like somehow
I'm still standing there
choosing it
over and over again
and I wonder
if I had just done one thing different
would I be someone else now?
would my life feel lighter
or is this just who I was always meant to be?
I see them
people laughing like breathing comes easy
like happiness isn’t something you have to earn
they move forward
they build lives
while I'm stuck
re-reading chapters I wish I could burn
old friends become strangers
family becomes “used to be”
and I stand still long enough
to watch everyone leave
like I'm rooted in a place
no one else stayed in
but still
I smile
I sit at the table
look my family in the eyes
and laugh at the right moments
because what else do you do
when there’s a quiet voice in your head whispering
this could be the last time
the last dinner
the last hug
the last “I love you”
and they don’t even know it
I wear normal like a costume
so well that even I almost believe it
but inside
it’s all cracks and echoes
and a silence so loud
it drowns everything else out
I used to wish to grow up
like life was something waiting for me
on the other side of time
now I look back
and want to grab that younger version of me
shake them
tell them
stay
don’t rush this
you have no idea how fast it disappears
because it does
it all changes
in a blink
one second you’re dreaming
next you’re surviving
and somewhere in between
you forget how to feel like a person
but the worst part isn’t the sadness
it’s the knowing
knowing things could’ve been different
knowing you had a moment
a choice
a path
and it slipped
and now it lives in you
quiet
constant
unforgiving
like a question
that never gets an answer
its draining
