I was just thinking,
As we all do,
How lonely the river looks
On this pleasant, warm night.
I was just wondering,
As we all do,
How happy the river would be
If she had some company.
But then this obscure little man
Came waltzing on the bridge.
I had better finish reciting my vows
Before he ruins this romantic moment
Between man and river.
"Ya know, I’m a big fan of this spot myself,
But what are you doing all alone on this pleasant night
Slumped over the rail, like another abandoned life?"
I am not abandoned!
In fact, I was just about to unite
With the love of my life.
"Oh! Where is she?"
Doesn’t he see? Waiting for me below,
The most beautiful sight!
My lovely wife,
Dressed in brown instead of white.
Now he better be on his way,
And leave me some privacy with my love.
“She looks kind of *****
And falling in love with a river is kind of sad."
…Alright then! Hasn’t he got better plans
Than to disturb a man on the night of his wedding!?
"Oh, well I just thought you should know
Your ***** little wife
Has been cheating on you the past few nights."
What's that supposed to mean?
"Well, she seduced my brother,
And then his best friend,
And then his father.”
“Oh my, I've seen her sleep with far too many men.
Teachers and robbers,
Rakes and saints.
Some she held on to, some she let go.
Rivers can be fickle that way.
Ha, I even caught her sleeping with the mailman just the other day!
You better break up with her, she's unfaithful.”
“She preys upon men, so down and depressed.
So desperate for some company.
Too easy to deceive.”
“She's got a type — Hey, they all looked just like you!
Sad, pathetic, handsome but undignified.
You should really rethink your relationship.
She doesn't actually love you."
…
"Feeling better yet?"
Does he just come here
To watch people commit suicide every night?
"No, just you."
…
Okay then.
I think something is definitely wrong with him.
"Feeling better yet?"
No. I think I'm gonna go.
"Go where?"
Home.
"Oh, not to your girl?"
No. He ruined the moment.
I don't want to do it while he’s watching.
Besides, didn't he say she was cheating?
I don't think I want to join her anymore.
… Maybe he really did help.
I guess romance is nothing but a trap.
I wouldn’t call this “better,”
But at least his relationship advice
Has helped me make up my mind.
She’s not my type after all.
"Oh. Well that's a shame."
… Gee, thanks.
"You're welcome.
Now in you go."
Wha-
splash
She was never really one for consent.
I thought she might change her mind.
But guess she doesn't like guys that are too desperate.
I can't be blamed this time.
He got what he wanted.
And I got what I wanted.
And she got what she wanted.
I was a little disappointed at first,
Thought he might slip into my girl’s house uninvited.
But it turned out to be a happy ending after all!
I'm feeling better now.
Aren’t you?
Mar 9
Mar 9, 2026 at 12:18 PM UTC
I was just thinking,
As we all do,
How lonely the river looks
On this pleasant, warm night.
I was just wondering,
As we all do,
How happy the river would be
If she had some company.
But then this obscure little man
Came waltzing on the bridge.
I had better finish reciting my vows
Before he ruins this romantic moment
Between man and river.
"Ya know, I’m a big fan of this spot myself,
But what are you doing all alone on this pleasant night
Slumped over the rail, like another abandoned life?"
I am not abandoned!
In fact, I was just about to unite
With the love of my life.
"Oh! Where is she?"
Doesn’t he see? Waiting for me below,
The most beautiful sight!
My lovely wife,
Dressed in brown instead of white.
Now he better be on his way,
And leave me some privacy with my love.
“She looks kind of *****
And falling in love with a river is kind of sad."
…Alright then! Hasn’t he got better plans
Than to disturb a man on the night of his wedding!?
"Oh, well I just thought you should know
Your ***** little wife
Has been cheating on you the past few nights."
What's that supposed to mean?
"Well, she seduced my brother,
And then his best friend,
And then his father.”
“Oh my, I've seen her sleep with far too many men.
Teachers and robbers,
Rakes and saints.
Some she held on to, some she let go.
Rivers can be fickle that way.
Ha, I even caught her sleeping with the mailman just the other day!
You better break up with her, she's unfaithful.”
“She preys upon men, so down and depressed.
So desperate for some company.
Too easy to deceive.”
“She's got a type — Hey, they all looked just like you!
Sad, pathetic, handsome but undignified.
You should really rethink your relationship.
She doesn't actually love you."
…
"Feeling better yet?"
Does he just come here
To watch people commit suicide every night?
"No, just you."
…
Okay then.
I think something is definitely wrong with him.
"Feeling better yet?"
No. I think I'm gonna go.
"Go where?"
Home.
"Oh, not to your girl?"
No. He ruined the moment.
I don't want to do it while he’s watching.
Besides, didn't he say she was cheating?
I don't think I want to join her anymore.
… Maybe he really did help.
I guess romance is nothing but a trap.
I wouldn’t call this “better,”
But at least his relationship advice
Has helped me make up my mind.
She’s not my type after all.
"Oh. Well that's a shame."
… Gee, thanks.
"You're welcome.
Now in you go."
Wha-
splash
She was never really one for consent.
I thought she might change her mind.
But guess she doesn't like guys that are too desperate.
I can't be blamed this time.
He got what he wanted.
And I got what I wanted.
And she got what she wanted.
I was a little disappointed at first,
Thought he might slip into my girl’s house uninvited.
But it turned out to be a happy ending after all!
I'm feeling better now.
Aren’t you?
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