you know the five stages of grief right?
i think that i went through them when i was questioning my identity
denial.
i couldn’t possibly be anything but a girl
right?
wrong.
gender is a spectrum
gender can be fluid
gender can be whatever you want it to be
and that is because non-binary people do not owe you androgyny
but that couldn’t possibly be me
how could i not be a girl?
i wear dresses. i like makeup. i can’t be anything else
anger.
how could god make me this way???
why am i questioning this vital part of myself?
this can’t be true.
this isn’t who i am supposed to be.
and if it was, why am i just now thinking about it?
i can’t deal with another change.
my mom won’t like this.
i can’t not be a girl. this doesn’t make sense.
bargaining.
please. i can handle anything else.
just not this. i hate coming out to people.
what if my friends don’t understand? let alone my parents.
after all these years. this can’t be happening. please god why.
depression.
i can’t live like this. i don’t want to keep this a secret.
and yet, i cry at night, thinking about what mom would say.
what everyone would say. how could i do this to everyone.
let alone myself. what is so wrong with being a girl…what if this is a lie
what if i am merely tricking myself into this, to give myself another special thing
acceptance.
this is who i am. i am non-binary and i am loved.
by myself. by my friends. by my dad.
the people who know are the people who really care.
this is who i am, and i am perfect just the way i am, no matter what anyone says.
Jul 19, 2022
Jul 19, 2022 at 8:12 PM UTC
you know the five stages of grief right?
i think that i went through them when i was questioning my identity
denial.
i couldn’t possibly be anything but a girl
right?
wrong.
gender is a spectrum
gender can be fluid
gender can be whatever you want it to be
and that is because non-binary people do not owe you androgyny
but that couldn’t possibly be me
how could i not be a girl?
i wear dresses. i like makeup. i can’t be anything else
anger.
how could god make me this way???
why am i questioning this vital part of myself?
this can’t be true.
this isn’t who i am supposed to be.
and if it was, why am i just now thinking about it?
i can’t deal with another change.
my mom won’t like this.
i can’t not be a girl. this doesn’t make sense.
bargaining.
please. i can handle anything else.
just not this. i hate coming out to people.
what if my friends don’t understand? let alone my parents.
after all these years. this can’t be happening. please god why.
depression.
i can’t live like this. i don’t want to keep this a secret.
and yet, i cry at night, thinking about what mom would say.
what everyone would say. how could i do this to everyone.
let alone myself. what is so wrong with being a girl…what if this is a lie
what if i am merely tricking myself into this, to give myself another special thing
acceptance.
this is who i am. i am non-binary and i am loved.
by myself. by my friends. by my dad.
the people who know are the people who really care.
this is who i am, and i am perfect just the way i am, no matter what anyone says.
written july 14 2022