I never was good enough for you
Not in the sense that I felt it about myself
But with every action and word of yours
The first time you asked me not to tell people
Where I worked or where I lived
Like a shiny piece of aluminium foil crumpled by rough hands
I was made smaller
You said it was because they would judge me
Your friends
Your family
Because I didn’t get a private education
And I worked in a restaurant
You assured me you didn’t feel this way
But wanted to save me the pain of feeling less than in comparison
I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of company you kept
Even though I knew differently
My wealth irrelevant compared to the work I had put into myself
It still stung
The scars of being small preventing the foil from reaching its full size
Unfold the tangle and try to smooth it
But there will still be the creases that stunt its growth.
Our lives merged when we signed a lease
If only for a few months
From the balcony of our 3rd floor apartment
Surrounded by palm trees shaking violently in a monsoon
I watched them shed their dead fronds
Dry and crisp from summer
And falling to the concrete below
The swirling red dust and debris collected by the wind
A sign of what was to come that I didn’t recognize
But it was always there, wasn’t it?
Hidden beneath the fragile membrane of reality and fiction
Waiting to boil over like caramelized sugar
Stuck and burning everything it touches
It cooled and hardened like glass
Fragile but sharp
Breaking into sweet shards that pierced my chest
A heavy emptiness after all the blood was drained from it
And who’s fault was it
You were allowed to twist the blade as many times as you did?
Every yellow flag that turned red I ignored
Each time you’d dismiss or diminish
I overlooked it
I was too enraptured with you
Intelligence, *** appeal, charisma
The type of life I would lead on your arm
But none of it was real
A fabrication of someone you wanted so desperately to be but never would
The night we drove up a road lined with gated properties
It twisted to the top of a mountain overlooking the city at night
The white lights of the valley below
Like twinkling stars of glitter across a black fabric
I’m not sure which mountain it was
And wouldn’t be able to find that spot again
Dancing in the headlights to Frank Sinatra
Our shadows merged into one swaying mass
Never again would we feel that enmeshed or connected
When our bodies broke apart to get back into the car
We would never rejoin
All the chances you were given
All the secrets you kept until it was convenient for you
You slowly became a stranger
It was as if someone else replaced you
A fraud taking over as if you had died
I wish you had.
Apr 26, 2021
Apr 26, 2021 at 8:16 PM UTC
I never was good enough for you
Not in the sense that I felt it about myself
But with every action and word of yours
The first time you asked me not to tell people
Where I worked or where I lived
Like a shiny piece of aluminium foil crumpled by rough hands
I was made smaller
You said it was because they would judge me
Your friends
Your family
Because I didn’t get a private education
And I worked in a restaurant
You assured me you didn’t feel this way
But wanted to save me the pain of feeling less than in comparison
I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of company you kept
Even though I knew differently
My wealth irrelevant compared to the work I had put into myself
It still stung
The scars of being small preventing the foil from reaching its full size
Unfold the tangle and try to smooth it
But there will still be the creases that stunt its growth.
Our lives merged when we signed a lease
If only for a few months
From the balcony of our 3rd floor apartment
Surrounded by palm trees shaking violently in a monsoon
I watched them shed their dead fronds
Dry and crisp from summer
And falling to the concrete below
The swirling red dust and debris collected by the wind
A sign of what was to come that I didn’t recognize
But it was always there, wasn’t it?
Hidden beneath the fragile membrane of reality and fiction
Waiting to boil over like caramelized sugar
Stuck and burning everything it touches
It cooled and hardened like glass
Fragile but sharp
Breaking into sweet shards that pierced my chest
A heavy emptiness after all the blood was drained from it
And who’s fault was it
You were allowed to twist the blade as many times as you did?
Every yellow flag that turned red I ignored
Each time you’d dismiss or diminish
I overlooked it
I was too enraptured with you
Intelligence, *** appeal, charisma
The type of life I would lead on your arm
But none of it was real
A fabrication of someone you wanted so desperately to be but never would
The night we drove up a road lined with gated properties
It twisted to the top of a mountain overlooking the city at night
The white lights of the valley below
Like twinkling stars of glitter across a black fabric
I’m not sure which mountain it was
And wouldn’t be able to find that spot again
Dancing in the headlights to Frank Sinatra
Our shadows merged into one swaying mass
Never again would we feel that enmeshed or connected
When our bodies broke apart to get back into the car
We would never rejoin
All the chances you were given
All the secrets you kept until it was convenient for you
You slowly became a stranger
It was as if someone else replaced you
A fraud taking over as if you had died
I wish you had.