Sometimes shoes are hard to fill
sometimes they feel like cement
but somehow I keep walking
whether on eggshells or stained glass apologies
I wither in the aftermath of accomplishment.
I am afraid of wanting more for myself.
where do you go when defeated is all you've ever known?
how do you make peace with a half-assed apology?
I am afraid this forgiveness makes me weak
weeping inside of the idea that I can be in control
of this trauma.
but the twin sized bed in my childhood home is more of a cage
and I am stuck there wishing I could escape.
wishing I could make something more of myself.
I am too visceral and not enough visual
this anxiety taking my breath
making me sick to my stomach
why can I not remember correctly?
No one talks about it.
No one gets how it feels to miss a memory
or how the presence of one
makes you lose reality.
My mind is stuck in fragmentation.
I'm tired of not remembering days
because of what she did to me.
Manipulation a scarlet letter on the chest of everyone.
My younger self tells me they all just want something.
No one can take anything away from you
if you have absolutely nothing left.
wipe the hard-drive clean
I will become obsolete.
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 7:54 PM UTC
Sometimes shoes are hard to fill
sometimes they feel like cement
but somehow I keep walking
whether on eggshells or stained glass apologies
I wither in the aftermath of accomplishment.
I am afraid of wanting more for myself.
where do you go when defeated is all you've ever known?
how do you make peace with a half-assed apology?
I am afraid this forgiveness makes me weak
weeping inside of the idea that I can be in control
of this trauma.
but the twin sized bed in my childhood home is more of a cage
and I am stuck there wishing I could escape.
wishing I could make something more of myself.
I am too visceral and not enough visual
this anxiety taking my breath
making me sick to my stomach
why can I not remember correctly?
No one talks about it.
No one gets how it feels to miss a memory
or how the presence of one
makes you lose reality.
My mind is stuck in fragmentation.
I'm tired of not remembering days
because of what she did to me.
Manipulation a scarlet letter on the chest of everyone.
My younger self tells me they all just want something.
No one can take anything away from you
if you have absolutely nothing left.
wipe the hard-drive clean
I will become obsolete.
