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I. My parents worry about my brother, he gained a lot of weight during middle school, and it isn't getting better. Twins yet, nothing alike, I have always been small, and honestly hope to stay that way. This is why I worry, worry about my brother and his health and myself, my health. I cannot help but think, because we are twins, one-day will it happen to me? I'll be fat. Is there anything I can do? I must take control. I cannot turn into him. Today at lunch, I watched him eat two ice-creams, I had a salad and a milk. No one notices. At dinner mom took away the pizza after his 5th slice. I had only one, but I didn’t feel hungry enough to eat more than that. They watch him, what and how much he eats and the exercise he gets. But not me, I can take care of myself, I know that I won't get fat. I have control. II. They know I'm an immigrant, my English is rough They don’t believe I'm from Jordan "but, Jordan is in Africa, Africa is poor." I used to love my gold bangles Mom asked why I don’t wear them anymore, They distract me in class, I say. She seems so sad, although we are doing well. Other immigrant girls wear cheap clothes And watch me with hateful eyes. My classmates make fun of them For they are sad, poor immigrants. What am I? III. I came to America, for freedom I came to America, daring to dream I came to America, as an Islamic Idiom I came to America, for enlightening education I came to America, with bright beliefs I came to America, it seemed simple I came to America, to be called negative names I came to America, to learn my label I came to America, to find fear I came to America, only to live lonely I came to America, not as a terrorist I came to America, seen as a terrorist I came to America, to leave as a terrorist IV They say it is the pastor's son you need to watch out for, They have no idea When I first felt it, I knew what they'd say, I knew I would struggle You are going to hell Now I have a secret, a fake identity. I CANNOT TELL ANYONE I'm living in hell Whatever happened to, all are a child of God? I'm only a child Whatever happened to, love thy neighbor? Oh, if the neighbors knew. Everyone else calls him father, and so do I But not for long. When I come out, I'll only have my god. Father will disown me. I may be Catholic, and I am defiantly gay Am I loved? V. Nonna? Yes, my tosors? What is Predu-ou-jise? Prejudice, she sighed. Prejudice is when they won't hire your father, because of our name Prejudice is when your brother cannot get into school Prejudice is when the girls won't let you dance with them. When I arrived, I could not work When I arrived, I was to stay at home When I arrived, I had to be married Out in the world, I feared for my babies. Out in the world, no one could work. Out in the world, we face walls. In my casa, I raised my babies. In my casa, I worked and cleaned. In my home, I kept up the walls. Generazione, You'll live with Prejudice Don't worry, you won't find it here. I am Nonna, you are bambino Italiana live with love, not Prejudice. VI. There are many reasons why people get sick, but I am different, I am a sick that you cannot see. Depression feeds off me as I lay in bed, while Mom tries to feed eat breakfast I can't, I am empty. Empty in a way food can't fill. I am only full of junk I have lost myself, again behind all the junk and I'm not sure why I thought I was doing well But in the end, I am still just broken Depression causes Frsuteration Anxiety starts it all, All day and everyday I am less less of myself Each drug, coping method, and session But in the end, nothing can help me They say a person has to want to change I have wanted change for so long, in every way But every day I just wait until the shadows creep up They creep up, **** me dry, dump my body for others to find When people find me, they are shocked, can such a smart friendly girl Be such a broken soul with so much pain, they wonder why I hide, yet they are the reason VII. First it was due to stress. Then, the variabiles made me shake They call the variales anxiety They said that boys dont usualy have this problem They said the anxiety caused this problem They said the drug would help First it was feeling far away Then, they upped the dose. They changed it once They changed it twice They said I was showing signs of improvment They said I could get back in the game First I felt better Then I felt off They said it was whatever was left over They said I desrerve to be healthy They said I’m not broke They know it’s all in my head, literally They said I’ll get my head back in the game First off, I hate feeling like this Then I look in the mirror and think How selfish How broken How stupid How weak I have one of the better situations in the world; I am a White, Middleclass Man, I am getting scholarship to college. I have no reason to complain as I do, I am fed and housed I am a privileged person I have freedom to swim in I have a supportive family Why am I so unsure? I am taken aghast by any change in pattern, Will I ever be emotionally stable? Are they ever going to look at me the same? Will my team accept me again? Am I going to make it to college? VIII. no one trusts me anymore Why do you think that? well, pretty sure its not cause im black Okay, so what do you think causes people to not trust you i dont know i just a reg guy tryin to make friends Do they think you are trying to get something from them? why would they think that? Because you are an addict right… … and… im trying to get better honestly Possession? yes So how hard are you trying? Tyrone says i need treatment So do I k, but youre supposed to say that, Yep and you are supposed to trust people that you call friends They say those things because they care about you k, ill talk to dad again Thankyou, love you <3 have a good night sis.
0
Nov 16, 2017
Nov 16, 2017 at 10:50 AM UTC
Human Resources: The Diversity of Pain A collection of forgotten journal entries in a community center lobby.
I. My parents worry about my brother, he gained a lot of weight during middle school, and it isn't getting better. Twins yet, nothing alike, I have always been small, and honestly hope to stay that way. This is why I worry, worry about my brother and his health and myself, my health. I cannot help but think, because we are twins, one-day will it happen to me? I'll be fat. Is there anything I can do? I must take control. I cannot turn into him. Today at lunch, I watched him eat two ice-creams, I had a salad and a milk. No one notices. At dinner mom took away the pizza after his 5th slice. I had only one, but I didn’t feel hungry enough to eat more than that. They watch him, what and how much he eats and the exercise he gets. But not me, I can take care of myself, I know that I won't get fat. I have control. II. They know I'm an immigrant, my English is rough They don’t believe I'm from Jordan "but, Jordan is in Africa, Africa is poor." I used to love my gold bangles Mom asked why I don’t wear them anymore, They distract me in class, I say. She seems so sad, although we are doing well. Other immigrant girls wear cheap clothes And watch me with hateful eyes. My classmates make fun of them For they are sad, poor immigrants. What am I? III. I came to America, for freedom I came to America, daring to dream I came to America, as an Islamic Idiom I came to America, for enlightening education I came to America, with bright beliefs I came to America, it seemed simple I came to America, to be called negative names I came to America, to learn my label I came to America, to find fear I came to America, only to live lonely I came to America, not as a terrorist I came to America, seen as a terrorist I came to America, to leave as a terrorist IV They say it is the pastor's son you need to watch out for, They have no idea When I first felt it, I knew what they'd say, I knew I would struggle You are going to hell Now I have a secret, a fake identity. I CANNOT TELL ANYONE I'm living in hell Whatever happened to, all are a child of God? I'm only a child Whatever happened to, love thy neighbor? Oh, if the neighbors knew. Everyone else calls him father, and so do I But not for long. When I come out, I'll only have my god. Father will disown me. I may be Catholic, and I am defiantly gay Am I loved? V. Nonna? Yes, my tosors? What is Predu-ou-jise? Prejudice, she sighed. Prejudice is when they won't hire your father, because of our name Prejudice is when your brother cannot get into school Prejudice is when the girls won't let you dance with them. When I arrived, I could not work When I arrived, I was to stay at home When I arrived, I had to be married Out in the world, I feared for my babies. Out in the world, no one could work. Out in the world, we face walls. In my casa, I raised my babies. In my casa, I worked and cleaned. In my home, I kept up the walls. Generazione, You'll live with Prejudice Don't worry, you won't find it here. I am Nonna, you are bambino Italiana live with love, not Prejudice. VI. There are many reasons why people get sick, but I am different, I am a sick that you cannot see. Depression feeds off me as I lay in bed, while Mom tries to feed eat breakfast I can't, I am empty. Empty in a way food can't fill. I am only full of junk I have lost myself, again behind all the junk and I'm not sure why I thought I was doing well But in the end, I am still just broken Depression causes Frsuteration Anxiety starts it all, All day and everyday I am less less of myself Each drug, coping method, and session But in the end, nothing can help me They say a person has to want to change I have wanted change for so long, in every way But every day I just wait until the shadows creep up They creep up, **** me dry, dump my body for others to find When people find me, they are shocked, can such a smart friendly girl Be such a broken soul with so much pain, they wonder why I hide, yet they are the reason VII. First it was due to stress. Then, the variabiles made me shake They call the variales anxiety They said that boys dont usualy have this problem They said the anxiety caused this problem They said the drug would help First it was feeling far away Then, they upped the dose. They changed it once They changed it twice They said I was showing signs of improvment They said I could get back in the game First I felt better Then I felt off They said it was whatever was left over They said I desrerve to be healthy They said I’m not broke They know it’s all in my head, literally They said I’ll get my head back in the game First off, I hate feeling like this Then I look in the mirror and think How selfish How broken How stupid How weak I have one of the better situations in the world; I am a White, Middleclass Man, I am getting scholarship to college. I have no reason to complain as I do, I am fed and housed I am a privileged person I have freedom to swim in I have a supportive family Why am I so unsure? I am taken aghast by any change in pattern, Will I ever be emotionally stable? Are they ever going to look at me the same? Will my team accept me again? Am I going to make it to college? VIII. no one trusts me anymore Why do you think that? well, pretty sure its not cause im black Okay, so what do you think causes people to not trust you i dont know i just a reg guy tryin to make friends Do they think you are trying to get something from them? why would they think that? Because you are an addict right… … and… im trying to get better honestly Possession? yes So how hard are you trying? Tyrone says i need treatment So do I k, but youre supposed to say that, Yep and you are supposed to trust people that you call friends They say those things because they care about you k, ill talk to dad again Thankyou, love you <3 have a good night sis.
stanze-smith
Written by
stanze-smith
18/F/Marshall MN
Nov 16, 2017
Nov 16, 2017 at 10:50 AM UTC
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