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anjana-raoPoems
It happens imperceptibly but you know it when it’s in full effect – Two’s company three’s crowd. It’s not anyone’s fault, not something anyone decides, just how it goes sometimes. Conversation becomes more and more personal, until it is clear: You are not supposed to be here. So you do what you are good at doing. You disappear. - See, disappearing? You have it down to a science. Talk less and less and then not at all. Stare off into space, perhaps fidget from time to time, make small movements to show that you have not quite turned to stone. Take a while to leave. It can’t be sudden - you wouldn’t want to draw attention to yourself. [It’s awkward for everyone involved.] Finally, when you think you just can’t bear it, get up to go to the bathroom and never come back. It’s easier than you think. - They will look for and address you eventually: *oh good night, are you okay, you’re so quiet, you should have said something, I’m sorry, sorry, sorry.* The usual. You will reassure them when the time comes, fold up your feelings into a little origami crane that you wish could just fly away. But for now you can sit safely in your invisibility. - You told your friend group earlier that sometimes you thought there was no point calling yourself gay because you just hated everyone. It makes everyone laugh, and even you find that you’re amused, but you don’t know if they heard the hurt, the bitterness, the honesty of that statement buried within your voice. - You watch the way your two friends (with benefits) are affectionate with each other, the way one puts her head in the other’s lap, the way they play with each other’s hair small kisses on small places, the way they do these things and see only each other, as if all of this is only obvious to them. It’s sweet. You try to rouse yourself into more feeling: jealousy, sadness, hopefulness, anything intense, but everything boils down to the same nothingness. This is simply another thing you can’t/won’t/don’t have [pick any verb, they’re all true]. - And this is what your life is: trying to find ways to make everything disappear. Feelings – gone. Desires – gone. Expectations – gone. Hopes – gone. Communication – gone. - And this is what your life is: Succeeding.
0
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 2:43 AM UTC
Dissociation
It happens imperceptibly but you know it when it’s in full effect – Two’s company three’s crowd. It’s not anyone’s fault, not something anyone decides, just how it goes sometimes. Conversation becomes more and more personal, until it is clear: You are not supposed to be here. So you do what you are good at doing. You disappear. - See, disappearing? You have it down to a science. Talk less and less and then not at all. Stare off into space, perhaps fidget from time to time, make small movements to show that you have not quite turned to stone. Take a while to leave. It can’t be sudden - you wouldn’t want to draw attention to yourself. [It’s awkward for everyone involved.] Finally, when you think you just can’t bear it, get up to go to the bathroom and never come back. It’s easier than you think. - They will look for and address you eventually: *oh good night, are you okay, you’re so quiet, you should have said something, I’m sorry, sorry, sorry.* The usual. You will reassure them when the time comes, fold up your feelings into a little origami crane that you wish could just fly away. But for now you can sit safely in your invisibility. - You told your friend group earlier that sometimes you thought there was no point calling yourself gay because you just hated everyone. It makes everyone laugh, and even you find that you’re amused, but you don’t know if they heard the hurt, the bitterness, the honesty of that statement buried within your voice. - You watch the way your two friends (with benefits) are affectionate with each other, the way one puts her head in the other’s lap, the way they play with each other’s hair small kisses on small places, the way they do these things and see only each other, as if all of this is only obvious to them. It’s sweet. You try to rouse yourself into more feeling: jealousy, sadness, hopefulness, anything intense, but everything boils down to the same nothingness. This is simply another thing you can’t/won’t/don’t have [pick any verb, they’re all true]. - And this is what your life is: trying to find ways to make everything disappear. Feelings – gone. Desires – gone. Expectations – gone. Hopes – gone. Communication – gone. - And this is what your life is: Succeeding.
#dissociation
Written by
anjana-rao
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 2:43 AM UTC
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