Early in May I first heard the words:
Something is wrong with Grandpa’s heart,
They’ll just go in and fix this small piece
It won’t take long; he’ll be healed fast
It’s no big deal, he’s in no real pain
All said over the phone—I was gone.
No way to know only three months and he’d be gone,
At first everything said was just simply words;
Thoughts of possibilities caused us no real pain.
He’d be just fine; aside from that valve he had a good heart.
Seemed to us on this world he was stuck fast,
But so many problems caused by that one small piece…
Slowly we realized, came together piece by piece,
From his bedside someone was never gone
Sometimes skipping lunch, dinner, or breakfast
Always trusting in those doctors’ words,
But the problem was no longer just with his heart,
The complications now causing much more pain.
Watching everything through a foggy window pane
Why was this disturbing our family’s peace?
How dare that infection attack our family’s heart?
Making us go where we never would have gone,
Previously only unspoken words
Spoken fast.
Everything happened so terribly fast.
From hardy and hale to incredible pain,
And eventually lost even were words.
Finally feeling as if I might lose a piece
Of myself; all that comforting doubt gone,
The shattering beginning to spiderweb across my heart.
Better to let go than allow an explosion in his heart;
Choose slow poison over demise excruciatingly fast.
Then before I realize, forever he is gone.
And this is only the barest beginning of the pain;
Jealous, no one here can find the same peace;
In the family plot, my song the final words.
Months later still finding that pain,
Doomed to always be missing a piece,
To forever be hearing the missing words…
Dec 20, 2011
Dec 20, 2011 at 7:55 PM UTC
Early in May I first heard the words:
Something is wrong with Grandpa’s heart,
They’ll just go in and fix this small piece
It won’t take long; he’ll be healed fast
It’s no big deal, he’s in no real pain
All said over the phone—I was gone.
No way to know only three months and he’d be gone,
At first everything said was just simply words;
Thoughts of possibilities caused us no real pain.
He’d be just fine; aside from that valve he had a good heart.
Seemed to us on this world he was stuck fast,
But so many problems caused by that one small piece…
Slowly we realized, came together piece by piece,
From his bedside someone was never gone
Sometimes skipping lunch, dinner, or breakfast
Always trusting in those doctors’ words,
But the problem was no longer just with his heart,
The complications now causing much more pain.
Watching everything through a foggy window pane
Why was this disturbing our family’s peace?
How dare that infection attack our family’s heart?
Making us go where we never would have gone,
Previously only unspoken words
Spoken fast.
Everything happened so terribly fast.
From hardy and hale to incredible pain,
And eventually lost even were words.
Finally feeling as if I might lose a piece
Of myself; all that comforting doubt gone,
The shattering beginning to spiderweb across my heart.
Better to let go than allow an explosion in his heart;
Choose slow poison over demise excruciatingly fast.
Then before I realize, forever he is gone.
And this is only the barest beginning of the pain;
Jealous, no one here can find the same peace;
In the family plot, my song the final words.
Months later still finding that pain,
Doomed to always be missing a piece,
To forever be hearing the missing words…
A sestina about the last summer my grandfather was alive. I was away at college when he first got sick and I sang a song, "Into the West" by Annie Lennox, at his grave site.