I left you very long ago
To you, my baby, I said no.
T’was like a movie in slo-mo,
I just stood there, and I watched you go.
Now have none to watch my back
No one to fill that which I lack
No one to make me lose all track
Of time. Oh, silence doth attack.
I thought I didn’t need you
I need to clearly see through
The lies, but they were true.
I’m back to old, and broken new.
Just go. You don’t deserve me,
Though I scream, forever empty.
Never good enough. Never shall I see:
You’re my water; I’m a tree.
I draw this X upon my chest
With knife and blood and gory rest
To show what’s there: naught but void.
Your heart’s not here, and mine’s destroyed.
Don’t care if you were right or not,
My heart’s not even here to rot.
Don’t preserve it; throw away.
I don’t deserve it. Dead I stay.
Cut it out? I can no more.
You did already, blood and gore.
In madness, shoved you to the floor.
For all the ravings, I’m the *****
No longer have angelic wings
Of yours to sooth me, nor any rings
Of promise. None of this can sing
Because I don’t have anything.
Nothing but this X upon my chest
With knife and blood and gory rest
To show what’s there: naught but void.
Your heart’s not here, and mine’s destroyed.
Don’t care if you are right or not,
My heart’s not here to rot.
Don’t preserve it; throw away.
I don’t deserve it. Dead I stay.
Yes, it really is still there.
Staring from its angry glare
Red eyes burning like a flare
It cloaks my breast, when even bare.
Funny, I didn’t feel at all,
When I cut the four-side, evil stall.
Empty spaces: chambers missing.
When skin tore, ne’er did this sting.
I rip an X upon my chest!
Forever more I’ll do this test
To show no longer have I my best
I lost it all, and gory rest.
Yes, I care that you were right
But it’s too late to save that night.
I began and ended stupid fight,
And live forever with my plight.
Stir, stir, filthy cur.
Mix it well, to be sure.
Drink it down to make all blur,
To curse me hard for losing her.
Slice, slash, petty trash.
Mark a symbol with a lash.
An X to signal monstrous crash
Infect it for eternal rash.
Jab, stab, to feel some pain
Maybe I will feel again.
Harder, faster! Make it rain!
Blood my sins and errors stain.
Mark this X upon my breast,
Deeply, cutting, hard I press.
Slicing through my dirtied chest
‘Til in the shadows I find rest.
Oct 17, 2011
Oct 17, 2011 at 10:51 PM UTC
I left you very long ago
To you, my baby, I said no.
T’was like a movie in slo-mo,
I just stood there, and I watched you go.
Now have none to watch my back
No one to fill that which I lack
No one to make me lose all track
Of time. Oh, silence doth attack.
I thought I didn’t need you
I need to clearly see through
The lies, but they were true.
I’m back to old, and broken new.
Just go. You don’t deserve me,
Though I scream, forever empty.
Never good enough. Never shall I see:
You’re my water; I’m a tree.
I draw this X upon my chest
With knife and blood and gory rest
To show what’s there: naught but void.
Your heart’s not here, and mine’s destroyed.
Don’t care if you were right or not,
My heart’s not even here to rot.
Don’t preserve it; throw away.
I don’t deserve it. Dead I stay.
Cut it out? I can no more.
You did already, blood and gore.
In madness, shoved you to the floor.
For all the ravings, I’m the *****
No longer have angelic wings
Of yours to sooth me, nor any rings
Of promise. None of this can sing
Because I don’t have anything.
Nothing but this X upon my chest
With knife and blood and gory rest
To show what’s there: naught but void.
Your heart’s not here, and mine’s destroyed.
Don’t care if you are right or not,
My heart’s not here to rot.
Don’t preserve it; throw away.
I don’t deserve it. Dead I stay.
Yes, it really is still there.
Staring from its angry glare
Red eyes burning like a flare
It cloaks my breast, when even bare.
Funny, I didn’t feel at all,
When I cut the four-side, evil stall.
Empty spaces: chambers missing.
When skin tore, ne’er did this sting.
I rip an X upon my chest!
Forever more I’ll do this test
To show no longer have I my best
I lost it all, and gory rest.
Yes, I care that you were right
But it’s too late to save that night.
I began and ended stupid fight,
And live forever with my plight.
Stir, stir, filthy cur.
Mix it well, to be sure.
Drink it down to make all blur,
To curse me hard for losing her.
Slice, slash, petty trash.
Mark a symbol with a lash.
An X to signal monstrous crash
Infect it for eternal rash.
Jab, stab, to feel some pain
Maybe I will feel again.
Harder, faster! Make it rain!
Blood my sins and errors stain.
Mark this X upon my breast,
Deeply, cutting, hard I press.
Slicing through my dirtied chest
‘Til in the shadows I find rest.
I wrote "This X" one night when I absolutely could not sleep because of guilt I felt over removing Kaytlin from my life so thoroughly. I no longer have the scar, but I did cut the X. It is the only time I have done so.
This poem was written July 9, 2011.
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