Learning how to swim was the most traumatic skill I ever learned
Sure, if I ever found myself on a sinking ship I could survive
But I don’t consider playing in water a source of a good time
I don’t really go to beaches, I don’t like going to pools, hell I don’t even like drinking water
I had this mental complex that water displaced any confidence I ever had in myself
I had this afraid to die complex, and any time I was in the water
It felt like I was swimming laps around my own grave
I remember when I thought I didn’t like people
So I never went to parties unless I was dragged to them
I was an inflatable lounge chair in this pool of faceless people
Aimlessly floating, passively wishing someone would sit with me
My friends would ask me to jump off the diving platform and loosen up
But just the thought of opening my mouth made me feel like drowning
I would stand on that platform, look over the edge
and I thought, what if they laughed because I said hi instead of hello?
I could only imagine free falling awkwardly into the water
failing to break the surface tension with the weight of my awkwardness
I would find myself flailing underwater, not sure which way was up
I couldn’t breathe, my oxygen tanks critically low on air
My mind was blaring sirens, a red alert that I will die
I need air, I need air, I freaking need air
All of these people are using up my freaking air
I need to get out of here now, I got to go, I got to leave
I need some space, please, just get away from me
My head broke the surface, I took hastened gasps of life
And I realized, I hadn’t said a word to these people
You see, the thing about my anxiety and its attack on my body
Is that I get asphyxiated on situations that haven’t happened yet
I learned how to tread water by accident
My body learned that you can’t drown if you just keep moving
I was a buoy in the ocean, a beacon for lost souls trying to find their way home
But you see buoys, which are guides to misplaced navigators
Expend their purpose when others find what they were looking for
Then they are left alone, with no place to call their own
Like a captain at the helm without the beauty of the moon
Happiness is about as buoyant as the Titanic in April
I saw my hopes sink with every crashing wave
Becoming acutely aware of a quiet thats supposed to be peaceful
Yet the silence of the night casted a shadow on my self-worth
Leaving me spinning in a whirlpool of my destructive inner dialogue
And suddenly, I was just tired of treading water
The muscles in my body begged to give up trying
My body was just the twisted shipwreck of a voyage I no longer wished to take
And when I finally stopped moving, I slipped under the waves
I remember thinking this water and my tears have the exact same taste
I was done, there was no reason to keep treading
Through an ocean that was no longer worth swimming in
But remember, I have that afraid to die complex
I was swimming laps around my grave but had no intention to lay in it
My friends found me floating hopelessly in my misery
Climbed inside my head and kicked my depression in the teeth
They reminded me that I can’t drown if I just keep moving
Because I am still here, so I just kept treading
May 9, 2015
May 9, 2015 at 2:10 PM UTC
Learning how to swim was the most traumatic skill I ever learned
Sure, if I ever found myself on a sinking ship I could survive
But I don’t consider playing in water a source of a good time
I don’t really go to beaches, I don’t like going to pools, hell I don’t even like drinking water
I had this mental complex that water displaced any confidence I ever had in myself
I had this afraid to die complex, and any time I was in the water
It felt like I was swimming laps around my own grave
I remember when I thought I didn’t like people
So I never went to parties unless I was dragged to them
I was an inflatable lounge chair in this pool of faceless people
Aimlessly floating, passively wishing someone would sit with me
My friends would ask me to jump off the diving platform and loosen up
But just the thought of opening my mouth made me feel like drowning
I would stand on that platform, look over the edge
and I thought, what if they laughed because I said hi instead of hello?
I could only imagine free falling awkwardly into the water
failing to break the surface tension with the weight of my awkwardness
I would find myself flailing underwater, not sure which way was up
I couldn’t breathe, my oxygen tanks critically low on air
My mind was blaring sirens, a red alert that I will die
I need air, I need air, I freaking need air
All of these people are using up my freaking air
I need to get out of here now, I got to go, I got to leave
I need some space, please, just get away from me
My head broke the surface, I took hastened gasps of life
And I realized, I hadn’t said a word to these people
You see, the thing about my anxiety and its attack on my body
Is that I get asphyxiated on situations that haven’t happened yet
I learned how to tread water by accident
My body learned that you can’t drown if you just keep moving
I was a buoy in the ocean, a beacon for lost souls trying to find their way home
But you see buoys, which are guides to misplaced navigators
Expend their purpose when others find what they were looking for
Then they are left alone, with no place to call their own
Like a captain at the helm without the beauty of the moon
Happiness is about as buoyant as the Titanic in April
I saw my hopes sink with every crashing wave
Becoming acutely aware of a quiet thats supposed to be peaceful
Yet the silence of the night casted a shadow on my self-worth
Leaving me spinning in a whirlpool of my destructive inner dialogue
And suddenly, I was just tired of treading water
The muscles in my body begged to give up trying
My body was just the twisted shipwreck of a voyage I no longer wished to take
And when I finally stopped moving, I slipped under the waves
I remember thinking this water and my tears have the exact same taste
I was done, there was no reason to keep treading
Through an ocean that was no longer worth swimming in
But remember, I have that afraid to die complex
I was swimming laps around my grave but had no intention to lay in it
My friends found me floating hopelessly in my misery
Climbed inside my head and kicked my depression in the teeth
They reminded me that I can’t drown if I just keep moving
Because I am still here, so I just kept treading
A poem describing a time where social anxiety and depression nearly consumed me.