And I say boys loosely because you remind me of animals.
To all the boys who didn't listen to me.
To all the boys I mistook for men.
To all the boys who made me what I am.
One, thank you.
Two, this is what you have done:
I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to care
All I know is to please; and it doesn't matter where.
I said no, you kept going, I pushed you away.
You laughed, I was drunk, I would do what you say.
I was scared to use force, I didn't want to upset you.
I'd rather be the one hurt once you were done and through.
I know it's not my fault, but I feel that it is.
I invited you over, I didn't intend on a kiss.
I know I said no, I know I tried to keep my clothes on.
But you're stronger than me, you made me your pawn.
Once you're inside I don't know what to do
I push your hips away, but you keep coming through
It does feel good, but this wasn't my choice.
I just wish I was louder, where is my voice?
I put myself in this position not only a time or two.
But several, never ending, a cycle I tend to do.
I know how it ends, I expect it by now.
You just want my body, it doesn't matter how.
So everyone that I meet, I offer to please.
You oblige my desire, my insecurity it feeds.
If I don't do this, I'm assuming you'll leave.
It's all I know, this is what I believe.
I don't do it for me, I question myself, or do I?
I don't know anymore if I should smile or I should cry.
I say it's independence and I'm doing what I want.
But I think I've been brainwashed by date **** nonchalant.
It dawns on me now, I'm sick in the head.
I don't know how to date, without getting in bed.
How can I find a man to love me and stay,
If I give it away on the very first day?
I can't help myself, I'm obsessed.
With these thoughts and fears I've so repressed.
Each year I get weaker, but I think I'm getting stronger.
I don't know how to stand for this abuse much longer.
There will come a day when a gentleman finds himself with me
He'll be polite and perfect, nothing wrong that I can see.
But I'll scream and I'll fight the second he touches my skin.
The PTSD, brainwashing complete, I am broken within.
I say no to the right ones and yes to the wrong.
So I start to believe it's what I want all along.
But this sick feeling inside that just won't go away.
Of the boys I turned down, and still got their way.
I'm an addict for sure but not of *** or the act.
An addict of pain for me, this I know for a fact.
An addict of pleasing the men who enter my life.
Whether they love me or leave me with a scar from the strife.
So I'm here telling my story
In all of my disgusting glory
I'm trying to recover
A cure I must discover
To save me from myself and any future pain
I'm hoping I can erase all the scars in my brain
I want to start again, fresh and anew.
I want to start again, and I want to start, with you.
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 8:55 PM UTC
And I say boys loosely because you remind me of animals.
To all the boys who didn't listen to me.
To all the boys I mistook for men.
To all the boys who made me what I am.
One, thank you.
Two, this is what you have done:
I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to care
All I know is to please; and it doesn't matter where.
I said no, you kept going, I pushed you away.
You laughed, I was drunk, I would do what you say.
I was scared to use force, I didn't want to upset you.
I'd rather be the one hurt once you were done and through.
I know it's not my fault, but I feel that it is.
I invited you over, I didn't intend on a kiss.
I know I said no, I know I tried to keep my clothes on.
But you're stronger than me, you made me your pawn.
Once you're inside I don't know what to do
I push your hips away, but you keep coming through
It does feel good, but this wasn't my choice.
I just wish I was louder, where is my voice?
I put myself in this position not only a time or two.
But several, never ending, a cycle I tend to do.
I know how it ends, I expect it by now.
You just want my body, it doesn't matter how.
So everyone that I meet, I offer to please.
You oblige my desire, my insecurity it feeds.
If I don't do this, I'm assuming you'll leave.
It's all I know, this is what I believe.
I don't do it for me, I question myself, or do I?
I don't know anymore if I should smile or I should cry.
I say it's independence and I'm doing what I want.
But I think I've been brainwashed by date **** nonchalant.
It dawns on me now, I'm sick in the head.
I don't know how to date, without getting in bed.
How can I find a man to love me and stay,
If I give it away on the very first day?
I can't help myself, I'm obsessed.
With these thoughts and fears I've so repressed.
Each year I get weaker, but I think I'm getting stronger.
I don't know how to stand for this abuse much longer.
There will come a day when a gentleman finds himself with me
He'll be polite and perfect, nothing wrong that I can see.
But I'll scream and I'll fight the second he touches my skin.
The PTSD, brainwashing complete, I am broken within.
I say no to the right ones and yes to the wrong.
So I start to believe it's what I want all along.
But this sick feeling inside that just won't go away.
Of the boys I turned down, and still got their way.
I'm an addict for sure but not of *** or the act.
An addict of pain for me, this I know for a fact.
An addict of pleasing the men who enter my life.
Whether they love me or leave me with a scar from the strife.
So I'm here telling my story
In all of my disgusting glory
I'm trying to recover
A cure I must discover
To save me from myself and any future pain
I'm hoping I can erase all the scars in my brain
I want to start again, fresh and anew.
I want to start again, and I want to start, with you.
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