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maxisgayPoems
I never learned how to feel reasonably, sensibly, normally I only know how to let sadness consume me and love take over my atoms while it eats me alive I let anger burn in my body until I'm charred and raw and my insides are left aching I let jealousy build up like tar in my stomach I let my indifference ruin my intestines and scar my skin I let hate turn my brain into a record that tells me I deserve blood and suicide and I let guilt hold me by strings that control my actions like a puppet like a corpse I let it starve my body until I can't remember that food is meant for energy and not a false sense of control by means of it's absence I don't feel feelings I become them I get attached quickly I never learned how to have healthy, constructive, good relationships when I feel excitement I also experience such intense stomach-churning dread because every lovely thing I thought would stay has left I don't think I was made for happiness see, the idea of love is the same to me as fear the idea of safety is just one side of the coin that is abandonment it's not even that I don't trust when I feel safe . . . I can't I know all things that are sweet inevitably turn sour even the freshest of fruit will rot eventually every person who I have let into my heart has also ended it's unsteady beat so when people ask to know me to "love" me they are also asking to have the capacity to end me I guess that's why when they say they care I interpret it as a threat I don't imagine they'll actually stay, so I have a hard time letting them in I have a terrible time allowing love to begin I never learned how to suffer in a way that is normal I don't just cry I shatter I don't just feel I embody I grieve people before they even leave and I die when they finally do I have trouble with attachment
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Dec 14, 2021
Dec 14, 2021 at 4:14 PM UTC
the trouble with attachment
I never learned how to feel reasonably, sensibly, normally I only know how to let sadness consume me and love take over my atoms while it eats me alive I let anger burn in my body until I'm charred and raw and my insides are left aching I let jealousy build up like tar in my stomach I let my indifference ruin my intestines and scar my skin I let hate turn my brain into a record that tells me I deserve blood and suicide and I let guilt hold me by strings that control my actions like a puppet like a corpse I let it starve my body until I can't remember that food is meant for energy and not a false sense of control by means of it's absence I don't feel feelings I become them I get attached quickly I never learned how to have healthy, constructive, good relationships when I feel excitement I also experience such intense stomach-churning dread because every lovely thing I thought would stay has left I don't think I was made for happiness see, the idea of love is the same to me as fear the idea of safety is just one side of the coin that is abandonment it's not even that I don't trust when I feel safe . . . I can't I know all things that are sweet inevitably turn sour even the freshest of fruit will rot eventually every person who I have let into my heart has also ended it's unsteady beat so when people ask to know me to "love" me they are also asking to have the capacity to end me I guess that's why when they say they care I interpret it as a threat I don't imagine they'll actually stay, so I have a hard time letting them in I have a terrible time allowing love to begin I never learned how to suffer in a way that is normal I don't just cry I shatter I don't just feel I embody I grieve people before they even leave and I die when they finally do I have trouble with attachment
vent I guess
#attachment#trauma#abuse#abandonment#love
maxisgay
Written by
maxisgay
21/M/nowhere important
Dec 14, 2021
Dec 14, 2021 at 4:14 PM UTC
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